This is an ode to Peppy's sterling "advice". Sometimes a barrel roll doesn't really help.
Fox swore, yanking the stick to the side as high-intensity energy bolts streaked past his cockpit. The Arwing responded immediately, breaking sharply to the right, evading yet another laser salvo.
Fox gritted his teeth as Wolf's mocking voice crackled over the com. "You can run, Fox, but you can't hide. In a foxhunt, the hounds always win."
Fox ignored him, whipping the stick to the left and then into his chest, performing a tight vertical loop. Wolf tutted, rolling his Wolfen out of the way of Fox's salvo with contemptuous ease. "You'll have to do better than that, Fox," he chuckled.
Fox's temper finally erupted. "Shut up!" he yelled into the com. "Just shut up!"
"I'll shut up once you're space dust," came the infuriating reply.
Fox gritted his teeth, sending a frustrated flurry of laser bolts in the Wolfen's direction. Unfortunately, Wolf's trajectory was at right angles to his, and the light-based projectiles passed harmlessly by his tail.
They had been engaged like this for almost twenty minutes. Considering the constant G-forces both combatants were subjected to, that was an astronomical amount of time for a sustained dogfight.
Wolf had engaged Fox with no warning at all. According to panicked transmissions from the Great Fox, Wolf and his forces had been hiding behind an asteroid. It was an incredibly well-planned ambush.
Fox jinked frantically as another stream of bolts sizzled past his Arwing, this time close enough to rattle the shields. Wolf's laughter filtered through the speakers. "I can toy with you all I want, Fox. I have all the time in the world."
In a desperate maneuver, Fox slammed the stick all the way to the left, sending the Arwing into a tight turn. Fox's vision flickered as his body was subjected to eight times normal gravity by centrifugal force.
He searched frantically around the empty space, trying to find the pursuing Wolfen. Nothing. The scopes were green, as well.
Fox sighed. "Finally lost hi-"
His Arwing shuddered and jerked as a sustained volley slammed into the rear of the fighter. His shields flickered, redlined, and fell completely. The acrid ozone smell of burned circuitry filled the cockpit, and red lights began flickering over the dash.
Desperate, Fox bellowed into the com unit. "I need an assist! Get him off my back!"
General Peppy's voice came back a couple seconds later. "Do a barrel roll!"
Fox frowned, momentarily forgetting the bleeping alerts. "What?"
"Do a barrel roll!"
Fox jinked to the side in time to avoid Wolf's Smart Bomb. "With all due respect, I don't see how a stunt move will get Wolf off my six."
"Do a barrel roll!" Peppy said obstinately.
Another laser salvo lanced into the crippled Arwing, shearing off one of the wings. "Cooling units one and three failing," the computer warned.
"Can you give me some advice other than a barrel roll?" Fox seethed.
"No. Do a barrel roll!"
"Why?" Fox exploded. "I have no shields, my cooling units are failing, engine two is down, and my core reactor is about to blow! How the hell will a freaking barrel roll help?"
"Your engines generate an oscillating magnetic field, that, when coupled with a rotational force in the opposite direction, creates a quantum energy gradient that dissipates the free energy contained within his lasers."
"What?" Fox said.
"What?" Wolf echoed a few moments later. Evidently he had been listening in.
Peppy was silent for a moment. Then, "Do a barrel roll!"
"Fine!" Fox yelled, slamming the stick over. His Arwing immediately began to spin at a ridiculous rate until it was just a blur.
Wolf shrugged, leaning on the trigger again. A stream of laser bolts tore into the back of Fox's fighter…and did nothing.
Wolf frowned. "Huh. It worked."
Fox, with some difficulty, pulled his fighter out of the roll. He gingerly wiped his lunch off the viewscreen, still a little green around the gills. Giving up, he took his hands off the stick completely, leaning back in his chair. "Well, Peppy," he croaked, not bothering to keep the contempt from his voice. "Any more great advice for me?"
The com was silent. Fox threw his hands into the air. "Great. Hurry up and finish me off, Wolf. This is the perfect end to a really crappy day."
First I burn my breakfast, then I burn my lunch, then I donate it to the viewscreen…
"Come on," Wolf said. "Let's not be hasty about this. However much glee I would take out of ending your pathetic existence, sparring with you is just too much fun. I wouldn't want to deprive myself of future entertainment."
The red and black Wolfen streaked past the stricken Arwing. A moment later, the scopes cleared completely as Leon and Panther broke off. Fox waved wearily at the departing fighters.
The com crackled once again, Krystal, Falco and Slippy all talking over each other, trying to see if everyone was still in one piece.
Fox pressed the talk button. "My fighter's crippled, I'm leaking atmosphere, and I just puked all over my viewscreen. How've you been?"
The comms were silent for a moment. Then Krystal came on. "You did a barrel roll, didn't you?"
"How'd you guess?" Fox snarled. His only reply was Krystal's admittedly enchanting laughter.
He gingerly booted up what systems were left and started limping the Arwing back to the Great Fox. "You still there, Peppy?"
"Hold A to charge up your laser!"
Fox groaned. "Shut up, Peppy. Just shut up."
I'm not really sure if anyone else has done this, but it's still funny.