- A Passive Affection -
A shop in London was hardly an odd place to find the Bertram brothers on a Saturday morning. Having returned to school not three weeks prior it was time most of the students needed to stretch their bodies and their allowances. Perusing over books and papers, hats and cuff-links, London had anything a young man could want. But this was a special trip, one they made every year, to pick up some trinkets for their sisters and send them back home. This was normally an easy task for Tom, choosing some ribbons or dolls or other such foolishness girls were into. Small boxes to hide away their small secrets, little rings to make them wave their hands about, his sisters were vain, easy to please little things. Besides, he knew the novelty of receiving a package from their brothers in London had already worn off, anything they got would be forgotten within the week never to be mentioned or seen again. He'd already picked out some ribbon and lace that they may use or may find it's way to the charity basket, it hardly mattered anymore, they would be buying their own frivolities soon enough.
No, the issue was his cousin, younger than his sisters, newly acquainted with money, and very few possessions of her own. He'd hardly met her before being sent off to school again, and the time they had spent together hadn't been very productive. She seemed in constant fear of him and always near tears, the only one who she'd opened up to a little had been Edmund and he'd been asking his opinion about what Fanny would like for the past week, refusing to have Edmund straight out tell him what to get.
She did not need a doll, having just turned too old for them, ribbon might be acceptable though he didn't know what colors she liked. His hand landed on a small box with a ship on the lid, her father was a sailor and she lived in a port town, didn't Edmund mention something about a brother going into service, it wasn't ornate and that seemed to fit his image of her. Small scared cousin Fanny, all alone in that house, he better than any of his siblings knew that feeling, being alone and in a strange setting, he felt for his cousin more than he could convey. He'd left the side of the shop that catered to his sisters and examined the pens and books. He knew Edmund was sending her a copy of The Bible, which seemed fitting and extravagant at the same time. He'd seen her writing letters, and had a small book of her own that she had wrote the house schedule in. He traced the leather bound spines that lined the shelves, perhaps a journal, one she could not only write in but sketch the flowers in the garden, girls did that, right? Before he'd thought too much about it, in addition to the ribbon and lace he'd added a thick journal, several small pen nibs, a charcoal set, ink and sand, the box with the boat on it and a small gold chain. He'd noticed she didn't have one at their dinners while his own sisters seemed to flaunt theirs. He noted the difference in the package sizes and decided it couldn't be helped, Maria and Julia had two brothers with years of London schooling, and Fanny was lacking the basics of what any girl would need, he figured he was just filling in the void.
A week later Tom received a letter from Mansfield in a writing he did now know, when finally alone he opened the small envelope containing only one page of paper with somewhat childish scrawl. He smiled to himself, his chest warming as the read the thanks and gratitude from his cousin for his gifts, how she would treasure them and let them come to no harm. There was a short postscript no doubt assigned to her hand thanking him for his sister's presents as well and how much they were liked. Tom doubted it, under the belief she was pressed to write their regards when they found out what she was doing, but he smiled just the same rereading her part again. He stowed the note away in his own memento box, thinking of ways to make his cousin's life a bit easier in her strange new world.
Many years passed in such a manner, even after Tom left school. Finding a small curiosity in a shop, having it wrapped and sent to his cousin, receiving a letter of thanks shortly after and some fresh account of Mansfield. They of course never spoke of it when together, but he would note the small chain around her neck, the lace of her dress, the ribbon in her hair. He would see her writing with the same nibs he had sent her many years ago and the warmth would spread across his chest. He stopped short of anything beyond what a brother would send, even if he knew she would like it, he already knew he pushed the bounds as was, still seeing a ribbon he thought would look nice in her hair, or a box that seemed to fit his image of her. He tried to include other tokens as well for his sisters and mother, but that was really an afterthought after seeing something for Fanny.
It wasn't until his recovery did he really understand himself, in his rehab when all he had were father, brother, and cousin to advance him, did he realise what he had done. It started with a deck of cards while still confined to bed, he had sent his cousin in search of a deck, she returned carrying a small box he recognized, she slid the lid open to revel the deck he had sent her some years back, still quite new and clean. Asking for pen, paper, and ink revealed similar results, he searched his memory for all of her gifts, each being produced upon request.
When well enough to walk and warm enough to be outside he'd accompany his cousins to the garden where Fanny was teaching her sister how to sketch the plant life, Tom noted she was using the set he had just procured for her last year when seeing that she had used the previous down to stubs.
When looking for her on his mother's request he found her school room and his breath momentarily caught, laid about in places of access and prominence were his gifts, those with function and use, those for display, his presence surrounded the room. She was there, tucked into a chair in front of the fire quietly reading, a soft smile on her lips, his mother momentarily forgotten he approached her, sure in his mind and thought and wish, taking her hands in his, he vowed to be a better man, to be the man she could want, truly want, asking her to stay until he was, stay until she was sure of what she truly wanted, stay with him always and let him truly know her for all of time.
~ fin ~