SUMMARY: Another attempt at the Missing Year, and since it's by yannik, it's going to be about Lee and his depression. If you liked my story "I Didn't Want To Be Back Alive", you're going to enjoy this one too. If you're just getting to the party – you don't need to read the previous one (though I'd be happy if you did), because it followed the events of season 2.5 quite closely. With only one difference – I don't believe Lee had gotten over his suicidal tendencies by "Black Market". In fact… oh, but you'll see what I think, if you keep reading this.
So enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: The character's and the universe of the Battlestar Galactica do not belong to me.
NOTE: This story starts after te scene between Lee, Kara and Anders in the bunkroom.
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YEAR OF HELL by -yannik-
Chapter One - A CLOSE CALL
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Duty. There was always duty, and it wouldn't let him down.
Not that Kara did. She was her usual self. It was just him, who thought that maybe she could be different. Now, that she was happy and victorous, she could at least give him some respect. But did she ever? He shouldn't have expected that.
The Commander walked the long corridors of Galactica, returning salutes, and wishing he was somewhere else. Anywhere else. As far away as possbile.
He walked down to the brig, but the only cylon he found there was the same old Sharon. Lying on her bunk, with a pillow pressed against her stomach. Right where her large belly once was. A vivid picture of a loss. The guard informed Commander Adama, that there were two other cylons in fact, but they allready had been airlocked.
While he wasted time with the SAR commander.
This was an act unbecoming a Commander of a starship. He should have been here! He should have listened to what Helo was saying and hear the right things, not what he wanted to hear. Then he would make it on time to be here while his father interrogated the cylon brought from Caprica.
Feeling the acrid taste of anger and self-loathing deep in his throat, Lee returned to the upper levels of the battlestar. When he finally reached his father's quarters, he heard voices. The President's sounded confident, Colonel Tigh's was obviously upset, and the Admiral's soft and husky as always.
Lee stepped in and saluted.
"At ease, Commander. What can I do for you?"
"I came to Galactica as soon as I leaned that the SAR is on their way back. But from what I've heard, you gave them some downtime, before debriefing. Is that so?"
"Yes. We had more important matters to attend to first."
"Right. There was a cylon." Lee sincerely hoped nobody noticed bitterness in his voice. He never intended to sound bitter.
"That matter has already been solved" the President commented, apparently in no mood to explain her decisions once more.
Lee tightened his jaw, and gazed at his father. As the old man's scrutinizing eyes assessed his subordinate, Lee felt small and even more angry.
"There will be a thorough reports from both me and Colonel Tigh, if you wanted to read them" the Admiral said finally.
"Yes, sir, I would" Lee replied quickly. "In fact I would like to be present during the interrogation, but since..." he shut his mouth, realizing he let his feelings prompt his actions. He took a deep breath, and lowered his head. "I apologize. I will read the reports later" he said quietly, and shot a glance at Madam Roslin – who ignored him completely, fidgeting with the rim of her skirt – and at the XO – who only rose his eyebrows, and looked away.
So that's what he was to them. A little spoiled boy, who demanded attention, but was not invited into the grownups' games.
Now was not the time to call his father on it. Maybe later he would have a chance to ask the Admiral if he chose a son to be the Commander because of his skills, or because of the control he had over his own child.
It seemed Lee was being dismissed.
"Anything else, Commander?" indeed he was.
"No, sir. Or, actually... Yes. If you permit?" Lee waited a bit for the Admiral's nod. "Do you require my presence during the debriefing?"
Bill Adama furrowed his brows, and he obviously wanted to reply it was not necessary, but he changed his mind at the last moment. "Yes. We would be starting it at 1400. In the Briefing Room."
"Yes, sir."
"Dismissed."
"Yes, sir."
Commander Adama saluted and left.
Fourteen hundred hours. That gave him nearly two hours with absolutelly nothing to do. And that gave Kara enough time to get wasted beyond any coherence. He didn't want to think about the insubordinate Captain, but the image was oddly satisfying this time.
Dee was in the CIC, so there was no way to meet with her either.
With absolutely nothing to do, and no place to go, Lee wandered through the corridors of Galactica and allowed himself to think. He had learned to like this place. He had learned to call it home, since there was nothing else that could go by as home in the whole Universe. Every other home was destroyed. And this was his home no longer.
He had to learn to call Pegasus his home. Raised in the military and being military for many years now, he had thought it wouldn't be difficult. If you are an officer and get assigned to a post, you go there, serve there and get to love the ship you serve at. You get all your positive feelings to motivate you, because otherwise you are not sufficient. But somehow this was harder. Probably because of the end of the world.
After spending some time on the empty observation deck – it used to be crowded once – and telling his pilot to be ready to depart at 1700 hours – he didn't think debriefing would take longer – Lee went to the briefing room. He was the first to get there.
But soon a few members of SAR appeared, then there came the Admiral and the XO. And after waiting for fifteen minutes for Starbuck to show up, the Admiral asked Helo to brief them in.
After his thorough report some questions were asked, answered, other pilots and marines were debriefed too, and Starbuck didn't arive.
Admiral dismissed everybody at 1500 hours. Everybody, except for the Commander.
"Lee, wait a minute" he said in front of the Lieutenants and Colonel Tigh.
"Would you need me too, Bill?" XO asked, and Bill shook his head. Tigh turned to Lee with a quick nod, and left. So much for the respect for one higher in rank.
The Admiral sat back, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes tiredly. He gestured towards a seat, after a moment, when he realized Lee was still waiting. The Commander wanted to know what this was supposed to be about, but he wasn't intending to start the conversation, so they sat in silence for a while longer.
"So..." the father finally started. "How was Starbuck?"
"Starbuck?" The question surprised Lee, but not too much. "Drunk."
"No wonder she didn't show up."
The silence fell again, and Lee fought the urge to tell his CO how to deal with his frakked up CAG. But he managed to hold his anger in check.
"I noticed that you were upset about the cylon interrogation" the Admiral started after a while.
"That surprises you?" Lee heard his bitterness, and once again felt it was inappropriate. And completely unintended. He was losing control over his behavior.
"I'm not sure why it shouldn't" the statement was in a form of a question.
"I'm sorry, sir." Lee felt silly. And a little angrier. And with it came the need to explain himself. "I think I'm a little jumpy. Probably because I haven't slept well these last few nights."
"That's a lame excuse, Lee" the Admiral growled. "You think I've slept at all since SAR left? We were basically defenseless, I needed to be alert. I was really looking forward to some rack time at this moment, but instead I'm sitting here with you, because you seem to have an attitude." He gazed at his Commander again, and Lee felt his anger turn into fury. "I was expecting more of you. You're acting as if I left you out on purpose, and I don't understand why would you feel that? Things were happening fast, we needed to act, and there wasn't time to search for you. I'm explaining myself here, I hope you notice that" the Admiral stopped speaking for a moment long enough for the words to sink well into Lee's conscience. And Lee understood – a CO didn't need to explain himself to his subordinates. Ever. "I do it, because I feel you deserve it" his father added and those words made Lee feel even more furious. With himself this time. For being so stupid, and so selfish, and so childish. And for allowing himself to actually show his disappointment.
He realized his behavior had a lot to do with a certain blonde, and her harsh welcome, and that made it all even worse.
"That would be all, Commander" came soft words. "Return to your ship." With that the Admiral left the briefing room, and left Lee with his self-disgust, and some more anger.
His pilot was not available for the next two hours. And Lee really needed to get out of here. To go back home. To go some place where he could be alone, and cool down. He was losing it. He felt it – he was losing it.
"Prepare me a raptor" he ordered Tyrol.
"The raptor is ready, but Penguin..." Chief started explaining the obvious, but Lee didn't need to hear it.
"I know" he cut in. "Let her know I left, and tell her to take the next transport." Not waiting for a response, Lee strode towards the vehicle.
"You're going to pilot it?" Chief followed right behind.
"I'm a pilot in case you forgot" Lee spat. "And I have a clearance for raptors. Or do you need to see it on paper?" he added, feeling this was improper behavior and seeing it in Chief's face.
But the man had his duties, and was intending to carry them out, despite of an obvious dismissal. "You should wear a flight suit, sir" he reminded carefully, and that was just that one sentence too much for Lee to bear.
"I. Am. A pilot!" the Commander turned to Chief, and shouted straight into his face. "A viper pilot" he added through clenched teeth. "I don't need a deck hand to tell me how to fly a raptor."
As their eyes scanned each other, Lee felt really ugly inside. He lashed frustration, that was building in him the whole day, on an innocent Chief. He had no right to do this. He should apologize. But he didn't want to.
He turned to the raptor, boarded it, and was transported onto the pod.
Clearance for flight came from Dee. Anastasia. He didn't even make an effort to see her while onboard Galactica. He should have waited those two hours, she was probably about to finish her shift. Damn, he could even return now, this made no sense!
But then – he got a direct order from the Admiral. Go back to your ship, Commander. There was nothing else left. Your ship, your command. Was that supposed to be all? Was there nothing more for him in the future? Apparently so.
He flew through the vacuum and wondered just how empty he was inside, if he felt no joy from the trust and esteem he was given. By his father, by his subordinates... well, most of them. Many people respected him, he earned it. He worked hard, and he earned it. But there was no satisfaction to it.
Myriads of stars surrounded the Fleet. Nearly sixty ships flew in formation with Galactica on one side, and his Pegasus on the other. His Pegasus. He loved his ship. He had no choice.
But truth be told the Beast was prettier than the Bucket. Somehow it seemed more powerful, more stern. Well, it was. It was younger too. But somehow it was not enough to make it a place Lee would want to come back to. Galactica wasn't that place either. Not anymore.
Right now he didn't want to go back anywhere. He could stay here. In the midst of those myriads of stars. In this vacuum, so his, so familiar.
He remembered the feeling that engulfed him when he nearly suffocated back then, after the Blackbird crash. He stopped the raptor.
Not that he wanted to do any of this, but his hands, his fingers on the controls of the raptor somehow danced, turning switches on, and off. Somehow environmental controls started flashing red, somehow the hatch hissed, and the cabin depressurized. The air was running out swiftly, and Lee watched it with growing terror. How much time he had left? Minutes, seconds? If he opened the hatch it wouldn't even be that, he would be sucked out in an instant.
"You have to stay" Dee had said, though he couldn't remember when. "You have to really stay."
"I'm sorry, Dee" he whispered.
And he got really scared. Really scared...
He didn't want to die.
Not this time.
As pain hit his chest, and dizziness overwhelmed him, Lee fought his dimming mind and managed to seal the hatch, and restore the atmosphere in the cabin.
And then he fainted.
When he came round, it couldn't be more than a few minutes later. Nobody was calling him to give his position, his raptor didn't crash into any of the ships flying close by. Nothing happened. Nothing.
He turned the vehicle around and headed for the proud, shiny form of his Pegasus.
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t.b.c.
Reviews will be appreciated, and sometimes even returned.
And if you feel uneasy with where Lee's head is at this point - I believe a lot about how he got there is explained in this previous story I mentioned: "I Didn't Want To Be Back Alive". If you read it, I think you'd understand.