It wasn't that she was infatuated with the pink-haired girl. To start off, her feelings were never that innocent and pure - if she ever needed to, she would push her, honestly, without looking back. She could do it. She would. Sure, that boyish girl was hot and noble-looking and sometimes even unexpectedly sweet, but that was as far as she cared. When the time came to bid her goodbye and stab her rose from behind, she'd do it immediately, quickly, readily, just as she'd done before and enough times to prove she was used to it. She wasn't like the weak, ginger haired brat - she would just as easily strike Utena to the ground like any other obstacle in her way.
Anthy stared blankly at the curry.
It was just a small crush, okay? Nothing serious.
Why do you like me? The girl in question asked, sounding almost innocent.
I don't know. Maybe it's the pink hair. Who knows.
She washed her hands again and took off her glasses, quietly wiping them off as well.
"Good afternoon," she spoke, opening the door cheerfully.
"Good afternoon," Utena replied, entering and quickly looking around.
Probably thinking of what to wear to her date, Anthy thought. She noticed a bunch of roses, dangling haphazardly from Utena's right hand, bouncing off her hip distractedly and shedding a trail of bloody red petals.
"Roses aren't meant to be held like that," Anthy spoke up, and Utena quickly snapped out of it, surprised. Frankly, she surprised herself too...this was breaking a rule. But, then again, she had already broken all of the rules. Anthy smiled sweetly up at her and took the roses away without a shred of remorse.
How cold, she laughed. I can easily take flowers away from the girl I thought I liked without a shred of guilt. Well, actions prove louder than words, I suppose.
Well, maybe you do feel sorry for Utena, but not at all for Brother, another voice chimed in.
Shut up.
"A young lady should hold roses in front of her with both hands, and not grip them too tightly," Anthy demonstrated, putting on a cheerful smile. "Brother taught me."
"Oh, really? Huh. Well, I guess you really do know a lot about roses," Utena replied.
Her fingers curled around the stems, wanting to snap the heads off of the stupid flowers and stomp on them until there was just a mess of dark red, smashed petals staining the floor. She could pretend to drop them and say "Oops...I'm sorry, I guess I forgot to be careful with your belongings." But maybe that would be too cruel. No, she couldn't do that to her, Anthy loosened her grip. Utena hadn't done anything to her in going out with Akio. That wasn't the reason for the bitterness that lay waiting for her in her heart, festering and germinating. She didn't know.
Well maybe that's because she refuses to see, another voice hissed in her ear.
"Oh, yes. Brother has taught me many things, too," Anthy replied, turning around. "I'll go put these in a vase."
A vase, a vase. A vase would do. She made a big show of flinging open cupboards and peering inside. Nothing but dishes and more stacks of dishes.
Utena looked like she might want her roses back. "It's okay, Himemiya, just a cup will do."
Suddenly Himemiya felt like a small slap to the face. Not an intended one, really...just an accidental hit, a ball that came flying out of nowhere and happened to connect with her head on accident, unwillingly. To every Utena-sama, there would always be a Himemiya.
"A cup?" Anthy asked, turning back to the same cupboards and checking all over again. "A big cup then, right? A glass? A tall glass?"
"Yes, yes," Utena replied, getting down onto her knees and looking in the cabinets below the sink. "A tall glass of water. You should fill it with some water."
My goodness, Anthy thought to herself, almost dropping the roses. She really said it. The stupid girl.
She looked away from the sight of long, pink hair and red spandex shorts. She really shouldn't have been looking.
"I have the glass," Anthy said, keeping hollow. "You should get ready for your follow up date, by the way."
Utena glanced around, looking mixed. "Oh...oh, I should, shouldn't I?" She asked, sounding almost guilty. Guilty? No. Mixed. It wasn't that she secretly wanted to go steal Anthy away and go on a date with her instead. But...maybe she had been looking for something to take her mind away from her date with Akio.
Anthy adjusted her grip on the glass. Why could this girl always make her feel so...so hard? Why couldn't she just melt into the background, just like all the other ones? It didn't take much for people to die to her. Sure, the blue haired boy was cute, but he was nothing...nothing. He only saw her as a cultivated rose, and to her, he was dead. The pink haired girl just wanted to have a Rose Bride, just like everyone else, for her own self serving, self absorbed purpose. Honestly, she should just let her go on the stupid date, see for herself what it was like, see if she enjoyed it. See the look on her face after it had all happened, see if she ever dared to pick up her sword and look confident ever again.
No. No. That was too far. She just couldn't bring herself to kill off the girl in her mind. Utena would never be dead to her. Anthy felt her knuckles stretch the skin on her hand harder and harder. She didn't...didn't really wish that fate upon her. Never.
Not even the ginger haired brat. Not even the purple haired harlot. No, she could never bring herself to loathe Utena and guiltlessly stomp her beneath her feet like another stepping stone. No one, no one deserved to feel that way. No one should ever have to be touched like that. Anthy turned away to fill the glass with water and shuddered.
"I'll make tea," she said, still trying to keep hollow. In her voice, that was.
"That sounds nice," Utena's voice said perkily. "I'd like that."
It was too inviting now.
"Alright," Anthy replied, trying not to sound overly enthusiastic.
And so they sat down and just drank tea in silence.
Chu Chu nestled in her lap, making silly sounds. Anthy smiled down and fed him a cracker.
"Why does he always do that?" Utena asked, sounding almost...somewhat irritated. Anthy blinked. It had never bothered her before.
"He just does that," Anthy replied.
"How can he?" Utena asked, almost resentful. No, really. It was hard to notice, but her voice suddenly had an iron edge to it that it didn't usually. "At a time like this?"
Anthy shrugged and pstted his head. "Everything is absurd, Miss Utena. Chu Chu knows that. Therefore, Chu Chu is absurd."
For a second, the two girls said nothing and almost made eye contact, but Anthy looked away in time and scooped up Chu Chu, holding him in front of her face and putting him onto her shoulder.
"Is that...how you see the world, Himemiya?" Utena asked slowly.
Anthy said nothing.
"Absurd..." Utena lay down on her side, chest heaving. Anthy willed herself not to turn and look down.
"I guess that's...a way to look at it," Utena mumbled. "We can't change how it is...it's always going to be like this."
I can't, Anthy thought bitterly. But you can. If you really cared to.
"Here, have another cracker," Anthy spoke cheerily. "You're acting weird today."
Chu Chu ate it happily.
Why do you like me?
Because you act like a prince. As you can tell, I have a type.
Anthy sighed and looked across from her.
Empty.
She knew why he had put them like this. He knew things.
She was too much of a coward to reach out and grab what she wanted.
I can't just take things the way he does. It disgusts me.
Besides.
I can't touch her like that.
Holding hands was allowed. That was fine.
Asking for more...no, that was wrong. Wrong.
Why do you?
I don't. Anthy turned over, covering her face in her hair. I don't care about you. I don't even like you.
She'd always disliked that brash, blunt personality. So basic. So simple minded.
No, you like me. You love me, the girl argued, sounding miffed. You do. You really do.
No, no, no. I don't. You're just the same as blue haired lover boy. You're using me, I'm using you. That's as far as it goes.
But her hand was still reaching out, clutching at the loose sheets anyways, pretending to hold that slender white hand in it.
You like me. You have a crush on me. Why?
It's just another defense mechanism, Anthy turned over. Another thing I use to survive another day. I took it on because I'm a pragmatic person. A practical person. I saw a chance, and I took it...nothing else.
These were just sheets, not a hand. Anthy grabbed at them, then let them go brusquely.
Why do you like me?
Shut up. Shut up. Can't you ever talk about anything else or are you really that dumb? I don't want to hear your voice.
Why do you like me?
Go. Away.
Anthy shifted over again, still uncomfortable.
I love you.
Who said it? Her or the girl? She didn't know. This was ridiculous. And she was mad at both of them.
I love you.
Oh hell. She grabbed onto it. She knew a good rope when she saw one.
It's dangerous to rely on it for too long, another voice warned.
I have nothing else to hold onto.
I love you, the girl said again, eager.
Don't encourage her or she'll think she really does own you.
I won't.
Silence.
I love you.
Yeah, I love you too, Anthy thought angrily. Honestly, she was so annoying.
"You like that girl, don't you, Anthy? You won't listen to me anymore, because you're in love with her now? You're the kind of person who would give up everything just because of their silly little crush? Do you fantasize about her like that? You know she's not like that. She's not a dirty, weird girl like you."
Anthy gritted her teeth and kept her mouth shut and let him do what he wanted. Her attention was somewhere else. She focused on the domed, darkened ceiling.
He already had his fill of the pink haired girl. Why would he want her too?
"You know why you're here tonight?"
He knew what she was thinking.
"Because you need to learn a lesson."
Another lesson. More, more lessons. Nothing but lessons.
She lay there and said nothing. Her physical body continued to feel, to protest and react with pain, but her mind had locked itself as far away as possible. The vase. The table. The ceiling. Anything, she would turn and look at.
Why do you like me?
What an ugly vase, Anthy thought. Purple is such an unbecoming color. Orange is worse, though. Purple and orange is a horrid combination.
"Are you listening to me?"
The flowers were alive, though. She was the one who watered them. Maybe she should ask Brother to give her that vase so Utena could have it, she tried to make herself laugh, but the thought was far too unpleasant to joke about. No, she wanted nothing from this room. Nothing that ever had to do with it.
Ah, I know what I'll do. I'll make rosehip jam.
Rosehip jam was nice for several reasons. She'd learned to make it as an adult, for one. It had no connection to her childhood. She'd only had enough sugar to make it when she was an adult.
You're not an adult. You're just barely a girl, the girl's voice argued.
Shut. Up. Stop right now. Stop.
You don't deserve to be going through this-
ENOUGH.
"Oh, did that hurt? Sorry," he said, not sorry at all.
Anthy mustered up a smile. She knew how to summon smiles; it was simple. Her mouth turned upwards while her eyes narrowed as much as she really wanted them too.
He slapped her cheek. "Stop that. I don't like your attitude."
"My apologies." Another slap.
Would he be done soon? Couldn't tell. It was better not to keep track of time, otherwise she'd start feeling more and more impatient. There's definitely been some harder times, but despite how many times she'd done this, she never really liked doing it or came into this room without some dread. And yet, he knew she was also mad because he had found a new toy, a new girl to play with, and cast her aside like she had meant nothing all along. It hurt.
Some times she would cry out, just to see if he'd react. Last time, he just hit her and went on with it, and she did not say a word again until the end.
Should she cry out?
You should, the girl insisted. You should. Call me. Call my name.
"Are you going to scream?"
She dropped her guard and froze.
"Go ahead then. Call out her name. See if she comes to rescue you."
Anthy wriggled her arm and tried to remove it from his grasp, but he pinned it underneath him again. She could hear herself panting.
"Go on. Aren't you going to ask her to save you from Big Bad Brother? Isn't she supposed to be your prince?"
Anthy opened and closed her mouth.
You really got me into a bad one, you stupid, useless girl. I hate you.
"She's not coming, is she?" Akio asked, leaning on his elbow. He was lowering himself closer and closer to her face. She wanted to move away but that would only mean more punishment.
His mouth was close to her ear. "Even if she did come, you know whose side she'll be on."
I'm on your side, Himemiya!
Anthy gritted her teeth and shuddered, then let go, falling back onto the couch's arm. She didn't have time to tell the girl "No, you're not, you naive idiot." She had to work quick.
"You're right," she spoke resentfully. "She wouldn't. I know her well enough by now."
He paused. She needed to speak more.
"She isn't worth it."
"Oh?"
"She isn't. How could she. She's not even worth you," Anthy hissed, forcing herself to reach up and caress his hair. He grasped her wrist.
"What are you saying?" He liked the sound of that better.
Lamp. Vase. Ceiling.
"The reason I'm here tonight," she spoke in a low, sultry voice, one that she never wanted to know she had, "is because I'm the only one worth you. I'm the only woman who will ever understand you. No one else will."
In an unpleasant way, it was true.
"No one else will satisfy you like I know how to," she added.
Himemiya, please stop...this feels wrong...
"We'll see," he breathed.
Now she was busy. She had to participate too. No time to shudder or call out names anymore - if she let up the pace, she knew he'd hit her and make her start all over again.
Himemiya, no, you shouldn't be doing this - Himemiya, please, you don't have to do this-
Shut up and let me do something for you, Anthy snarled, venting by biting him in the neck. Fortunately, he enjoyed it, the sick man. I'm trying to do you a favor. Not like you asked for my permission either.
The girl said nothing. Maybe she genuinely was guilt stricken, but Anthy was busy planning out what to do next, when to make noise, and she didn't have time to chat with some stupid ghost girl in the back of her mind.
"That was better," he breathed in her ear. "But don't think just because you tried harder means that I'll leave her. She's mine now."
Damn.
Damn it all. She ignored him, trying not to let him know that he had foiled her plan, burrowing deeper into the neck. He reached out and grabbed her face with that large hand, and forced it away. She tried to bite his fingers.
"You are not worth me," he said with finality. "Not you, and not any other woman. Remember that."
Then he went right back to it.
No, a voice moaned in the back of her mind. Not again. Not all over again-
Shut up. Don't complain now or it'll never end, Anthy hissed, running quickly to the doors to her heart and locking them all. She pictured herself, watering the flowers and making jam, and cleaning.
Why do you like me?
It was no longer teasing. It was genuinely a little mournful.
I suppose it's your pretty face, Anthy laughed harshly, while her mouth remained shut and her eyes gazed up at a starless ceiling. After all, there's not much else to you.
Maybe part of her felt a litle twinge of guilt for having said that. But most of it was killed. He knew how to do that. By the morning, she'd no longer feel sorry for the pink haired girl. She was sure of that, and he was too. She looked forward to it. It'd be a relief, to be able to genuinely hate her and have no feelings for her. She should thank him.
Silently she crept back into the room, her legs a little shaky and clutching her rumpled nightgown around her. Bed. Bed. That's all she wanted now...just a bed. There was no way she'd stay with him after it all...sometimes he even kicked her out when he was done, literally. Only one time she was too tired to get up, and he had propped her across his knees and let her fall asleep there, and she was genuinely grateful. But she was not in the mood, and she did not want to be near him anymore.
Utena was there now. Gazing up at the ceiling, dead eyed, examining her ring wordlessly.
Anthy stared at her. Wondered how she could ever have feelings for this person. Examined her long hair and slender white fingers and blue eyes. Was this person really the same one she felt so much affection and whatnot for? What a thought. She lowered herself onto the mattress, grimacing as she felt the sheets beneath her legs, and breathed deeply. This was not the couch. This was her bed. He'd never touched her in this bed. Deep breaths...ceiling, vase, lamp.
"I think I understand what you said about Chu Chu," Utena said in a broken voice.
Anthy said nothing. She had already touched too much, didn't want to reach out and grab her hand tonight, even. That was how much she would rather keep to herself right now.
"Himemiya," Utena spoke, "I'm glad you're back now."
Anthy just breathed. She didn't want to talk right now.
"Bathroom break," she forced herself to say, but she didn't have the strength to summon her fake smile.
Why do you like me?
"Go to sleep, Utena-sama. I'll make you some rosehip jam in the morning, but I'm tired right now," Anthy said, trying to summon her courteous Himemiya-san voice. It failed. It was too shot through and shaky to sound nearly as distant and composed as it should have been, but Utena didn't seem to mind.
"Okay," she said quietly.
"Goodnight..." Anthy shakily grabbed at the sheets twice, then finally lifted them over herself, covering her whole body. This was her bed. Not the couch. He'd never touched her here, not yet. She forced herself to try and relax and picture herself, feeling comfortable. Someone else's arms encircling her - were they Utena's? Were they really touching, or just nearby? It didn't matter. She just wanted to be comfortable.
Forget it. She kicked the sheets off, and went onto the floor with the pillow. It was uncomfortably hard, but it didn't remind her of him anymore. It was just the floor.
I love you.
"Goodnight," Utena replied.