It was 9 years ago that I found my heart. I look back on it now, sadly, remembering as if it were yesterday. I was young and naïve then. I looked upon the future with bright eyes and a hopeful destiny; believing, knowing, determined that our love would last forever. In a way, I guess it has.
It was 8 years ago that I thought my life had ended. The day I sent my soul to hell. I wanted to forget who I was – forget everything that I had become. Without him I believed I was nothing. In a way, I was right.
It was 7 years ago that I died. Not in the literal sense. Not in the way I had once before and once since. This was a much more painful death. This was the type of death where I was required to go on acting as though I was still alive. It closely resembled the feeling of being ripped from Heaven. I left my heart next to an ambulance that day, when I watched him walk away, and felt as though I would never breathe again. In a way, I haven't.
It was 3 years ago that I remembered where I left my heart. He came in, saving me, reminding me of how connected we are. The moment I looked in his eyes, I remembered where my heart was, where it had always been. When we kissed, I felt alive for the first time in many years. We both had so many things to accomplish before we could reclaim the life that was rightfully ours, however. I told him I wasn't done 'baking' yet. He understood. I know he did. He always does. He knew that one day, I would return to him. In a way, I never left.
It was only 2 days ago that everything changed. When I first moved to Rome after the fall of Sunnydale, I tried my hardest to put my pieces back together. There were many ingredients to this girl called Buffy and I figured it was time to get them all together in one neat, tiny package of a cookie. I was tired of being cookie dough; tired of living each and every day fighting for the air that my lungs so desperately needed. I remember the day I heard about the fight in Los Angeles. I felt my world crumbling around me. Felt myself crumbling into tiny shattered pieces on the floor where I somehow remained standing. He hadn't called me, hadn't asked for help. I understood though. I understood that this was his time to bake; his time to prove that he had a purpose here; his time to find salvation.
I knew at the time that I couldn't go to L.A. and help him fight. That knowledge, however, did not keep me from sending some hundred plus newly activated slayers to help. I gave them the strictest orders to save as many of Angel's friends as possible, to kill as many demons as they could, and make sure that Angel survived. A lot of the slayers never returned. The ones that did, however, were mostly sure that Angel was okay but none were able to assure me with certainty. I figure I would know if he wasn't. I felt confident in that.
Of course I dated other people. Deep down, however, I always knew that the relationships were going nowhere. My heart belonged to one man and that man alone was able to call it home. About a year ago, I started dating this guy named Jason. He was nice enough, surely the type of guy that most women would have spent their lives pining for. Not this woman though, not this woman who's heart already belonged to someone else. Now, I'm not trying to say that I led any of these guys on. I did my best to assure them that I had no intention for any long term commitments. Jason, however, did not receive those signals – or, he chose to ignore them all together.
Jason and I met when Dawnie and I were touring the Pantheon one day. I had just excused myself from the group to make a quick stop at the restroom when 'smack' I ran right into the rippling chest of a gorgeous man with eye length wavy blonde hair and electric blue eyes. Now, had I not had a very Buffy like moment and been paying more attention to where I was walking than the pamphlet that the tour guide had given me, I wouldn't have met him and effectively flipped him on his back as my absentmindedness caused his walking to catch me completely off guard. Then, as he lay there staring up at me with a bewildered expression, the strangest thing happened. I started laughing. I don't know why it happened and I couldn't figure out how to make it stop, but before I knew it, he was laughing along with me.
We were inseparable for the next 3 months. Jason was also American but he had spent the last 13 years in Rome and knew a lot about it's sights and history. He took me everywhere and told me stories about things that happened there, long in the past, and I often caught myself wondering if Angel had been there during that time, or if he had somehow been a part of anything he was talking about. Pushing those thoughts aside I continued to spend most of my free time with him. We never proceeded to anything romantic or sexual until we had been friends for nearly 10 months. I was very hesitant at the time to proceed to a deeper level with him. Hesitant that he would want something more than I could give. That was a year ago and while I continued to watch Jason fall deeper and deeper, I continued to reassure him that I was not looking for a commitment. Recently, I realized that he was trying to head our relationship in a direction that I was certainly not comfortable with and I was trying to find a way to gently let him down and break everything off when everything came crashing down.
We were out at this elegant restaurant named Da Fortunato Al Pantheon. Suitable, I figure as we met at the Pantheon and this restaurant was created as a reminder of it's beauty and majesty in every detail and design. We were just finishing up the main course when he suddenly had this very serious expression on his face and I had this sinking, 'not good', feeling. Then, in the blink of an eye it happened. A small diamond ring was perched carefully in his hand and he was asking the infamous, but dreaded in my case, question. Problem was, I couldn't say 'no'. I couldn't, however, say 'yes' either and found myself faced with quite a dilemma. Jason was nice, smart, funny, and handsome; but he didn't own my heart. That belonged to someone else. Suddenly, however, as I prepared myself to let him down gently, I found myself filled with doubt. What if Angel had decided that he liked life without me in it? What if he had decided to move on with his life? I had heard that he was seeing a woman named Nina. What if he decided that she was his heart? What if he had tossed my heart aside? Would I ever find it again? And if I did, would I be making a huge mistake by letting Jason go?
After muttering something about needing to think about things, needing to consider how Dawn fit into all of this, how the rest of my life did, he seemed upset but willing to wait for my answer. Damn him for being so sweet. I went home that night and packed a suitcase. After a lifetime, or what may have been only a few minutes, Willow was able to locate Angel using her scrying abilities – jointly reassuring me that he was still alive (er, undead?) and that I would be able to find him – and I bought a plane ticket for Los Angeles, my heart, and my destiny.