A/N: I would love to paint Donnie as the bad guy, and it's true he's there to cause conflict, and yes what he did was awful, but I'm making this a civil, forgiveness piece. And by the way, I hate orange tulips. My own husband, brilliant at buying jewelry, somehow misses the boat on flowers I like and hate, so this filtered into my story. "Clarity" lyrics by Zedd.
Slanted
If our love is tragedy
Why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity
Why are you my clarity?
Progress. What they'd been slowly making since his second tour in Rexford. Even with his involvement with Caroline and subsequent breakup looming like a dark cloud, her forgiving nature knew he needed that push to be able to be open with her now. And it startled her that he was being more…trusting, with her. Surely she of anyone warranted his trust, but she knew it wasn't freely given.
And then he'd halted their substantial progress by telling her to cut Donnie some slack, that he wasn't as awful as she painted him despite knowing what he'd done to her. Maybe it was her fault as well, taking his advice and caving.
All but jumping over that bar to help her, his ex-wife, while a pretty blonde twig flirted outrageously over the course of the weekend brought back those old feelings from when times were good between the couple.
When Donnie leaned in close and that old, familiar exhilaration kicked in, she almost withered under that pressure. But it was just that, she told herself gently, familiar. They were comfortable loving and hating each other.
He'd given her space after that almost incident. And she felt like she betrayed a man who outright told her nothing could ever happen no more than a few short weeks ago, causing her world to slant with each cut he laid into her with his words.
Now she found herself in her doorway, staring down her ex. Donnie came to her apartment bearing orange tulips and she was hit with the feeling of déjà vu. It was a flower she despised, and clearly something he couldn't bring himself to remember. She sighed in irritation, but he recovered quickly.
"Now, I know you hate these but they're the hideous flowers I got you on our very first date and it just felt…nostalgic," he managed to say before she could slam the door in his face.
"So…you do remember?" she asked curiously, crossing her arms across her chest and leaning against her doorframe. Donnie nodded.
"I figured it seemed appropriate since I came here to ask if you'd go on a date with me," he answered almost shyly. She wanted to turn him away, recalling his vast charm and easy persuasion that made him a formidable DA, but Daniel's words rolled over her. She was stuck somewhere between his pointed argument of nothing ever happening and that she should cut Donnie some slack, and the latter won over.
She had to come to grips with the fact that she'd never have Daniel. "Okay," Kate nodded. "One date. Don't screw it up."
Donnie beamed. "Tomorrow at seven? That little corner restaurant you like so much?"
"Sure," she responded with a touch of wariness. "But there's no way those awful flowers are crossing my threshold. They stay out here…with you."
"Fair enough," Donnie conceded, walking backwards down her porch steps. "I knew I'd wear you down, Kate Moretti!" he called, turning on his heel and she laughed as he pawned the ugly tulips off on the nearest old lady.
An odd sinking feeling coursed through her, one that felt an awful lot like betrayal.
XOX
She wavered on whether to tell Daniel about her spontaneous date with Donnie. It ate at her, not telling him, but what business of his was it?
"Have you been listening to me at all, Kate?" Daniel asked, waving a hand in front of her face.
"What? I'm sorry, just lost in thought. Can you repeat that?" she replied with a light flush.
"I've only been explaining who your killer is for the past five minutes," he said, exasperated with her. "You're never like this Kate, is something on your mind?"
"No, no nothing. Just…a space case today."
He eyed her peculiarly, and she could tell he didn't believe her. She knew he wasn't the best at reading people, but apparently reading her came a bit easier to him. "You're keeping something from me. You can tell me, you know, whatever's on your mind. If you want," he sputtered out quickly.
Natalie had been pushing him to be more forthcoming with Kate, and he decided to try it out. It was different for him, but he assumed that was the point, getting out of his comfort zone and closer to Kate.
"Really Daniel, it's nothing. I just didn't get a lot of sleep, that's all."
"Okay," he agreed, still suspicious. "So as I was saying…"
XOX
"She's keeping something from me," Daniel said strangely, pacing the length of his office. Natalie cocked her head to the side, eyeing him.
"Well it seems like the only thing she really keeps from you is her dating life. Perhaps she has a date and is too afraid of your reaction," Natalie offered simply. "And since when do you care so much?"
"But why would she be afraid of my reaction Natalie? She basically dismissed the possibility of ever liking me in that capacity so what is she afraid of? And she's my…friend…of course I care."
"Daniel, if I recall, you went ahead and told her nothing could happen, followed swiftly by your demanding to know if she had crush on you. Of course the girl is going to say no. Hell, I would have said no."
Daniel sighed, running a hand over his face. He could barely square away his own feelings let alone Kate's. He vaguely remembered the hurt in her coffee brown eyes when he confessed that he had been seeing Caroline. She'd barely said a word, but he could see her disappointment.
"Maybe I should go talk to her, see what's really bothering her," Daniel tried, attempting to sound neutral when he was entirely too curious.
"Daniel, leave her alone. Give her some space. I'm sure she'll tell you whatever's on her mind when she's ready," Natalie admonished, pulling her knees up on the couch. "Push her and you could lose her."
"I could lose her either way," Daniel answered self deprecatingly. He huffed, making a quick decision and grabbing his coat.
"This is not going to end well," Natalie said more to herself than Daniel.
XOX
She was actually nervous.
Nervous to go on a date with her ex-husband. It sounded completely absurd, but such was her life. You didn't become an FBI agent looking like she did and not get the occasional "you're a what," question more than once.
Her hands fluttered over the red silk dress she pulled from the recesses of her closet, still debating pearl posts or ruby teardrop earrings. Red was a color she looked divine in, and rarely wore. It was too flashy, somehow. Too provocative for the day to day. Donnie had always encouraged her to wear more green, favoring emerald shades over the lavish bright red.
But he wasn't there to discourage her from it, and this was more of a friendly date, a reestablishing of something familiar.
She opted for the ruby teardrops and nude pumps, placing her phone and badge in a barely used black leather clutch. She kept her hair down and gently curled; she felt it was one of her best features.
Kate gave herself another once over in the mirror, liking what she saw. Glancing at the clock she still had twenty minutes for Donnie to arrive. She made a quick cup of coffee, selecting one of her black jackets to compliment her outfit.
She was rather surprised when a soft knock came at her door. It was far too early for Donnie to be on her porch; punctuality wasn't his forte.
She was even more surprised to find Daniel on the other side. "Daniel, what are you doing here?"
He gaped for a moment, stunned by her appearance. "You look…amazing, Kate," he managed breathlessly. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was interrupting."
"It's okay, you can come in. My date isn't here yet."
"So it is a date," he commented, trying to keep his voice neutral. "Must be some guy to make you space out in the middle of one of my discoveries."
She shrugged. "Yeah, it happens sometimes. Not that you're ever boring," she threw in quickly.
"Well he's lucky. You look stunning, and any guy would be a fool not to see it."
She sighed, agitation washing over her. "Any guy, right."
"What does that mean?" Daniel asked carefully, following her into her kitchen where she grabbed her coffee, taking a rather large gulp.
"It doesn't mean anything Daniel, let it go," she answered wearily. She didn't have time for a roundabout argument with Daniel right now.
"No it does mean something Kate. Is it something I said, or did?" Daniel prodded.
"No, Daniel, you haven't done anything," she said bitterly. "That's the problem."
He looked taken aback by her bold statement. "I don't…understand. Kate you told me you felt nothing, hell you threw it my face how little you felt for me. I accepted that!"
"Well I lied! You accused me of only working with you because I had some schoolgirl crush Daniel! Except it's not a crush, and it's not the reason I work with you. You're the best neuroscientist, hands down, and having your opinion on cases I have to take to court is valuable. God, you're brilliant, Daniel, but you're so blind! I love you!" she practically yelled, clapping her hand over her mouth, far too late to stop the words spilling forth. Daniel stood still, unmoving as the confession filled every crevice of the room. The brutal silence that fell over the pair was deafening.
The ringing of her doorbell shattered the quiet, and she moved to open her front door. "Kate, you look beautiful!" Daniel heard Donnie, of all people, exclaim from the porch.
"Thanks, Donnie," she smiled stiffly, taking the bouquet of daisies from his outstretched hand. Daniel hid in the kitchen, too confused to move. "I'll be out in a second, let me put these in water."
She returned to the kitchen, unable to meet Daniel's eyes. "Donnie? Really Kate?" he whispered harshly.
"You have no right, Daniel. You have no right to judge me. You've made it clear you don't want this, so I'm moving on," she answered back darkly.
"Yeah," Daniel laughed resentfully. "Moving on with your ex-husband. That's healthy, Kate."
Kate whirled on him, infuriated. "What would you know about healthy, Daniel? The only woman you date is a figment of your imagination!" It was a low blow, even to her ears. She couldn't take it back. She couldn't look at him, couldn't see the shock of hurt crumble his façade. He turned away, blindly finding the exit and pushing past a startled Donnie on his way out.
Kate gasped, feeling the weight of what she'd said in the heat of the moment crushing her. She grasped the table edge, steadying herself.
"Kate, are you okay?" Donnie questioned somewhere behind her.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go," Kate replied quietly, feeling heavy with the burden of her hurtful words.
XOX
Daniel walked for a long time, circling the entirety of the campus several times.
"She wasn't wrong," Natalie said gently. "I am a figment of your imagination. I'm safe because I don't exist. I'm a part of you Daniel, but I'm not real. I can't hug you or kiss you or date you. Why do you think I push you towards Kate so much? I want you to be happy."
"I am happy," Daniel said unconvincingly, dropping onto a bench.
"No, Daniel, you're not. You can't be happy because you can't let me go. I'm the lasting image of a woman you met fleetingly. We never had a relationship aside from the one you conjured. And it's not a bad thing Daniel. It's just…not substantial.
"It hurt, Natalie. It hurt to hear the truth."
She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, pulling him towards her. "I know. She's right though, and she loves you. We always hurt the ones we love," she said placating him.
"Now you just sound like a bad 80s movie."
"Hey now, there's nothing wrong with bad 80s movies," she answered laughingly. Silence settled over them before she broke it once more. "So, what are you going to do about Kate?"
Daniel shrugged. "I don't know what I can do."
"That's a defeatist attitude if I've ever heard one. You know she loves you. The question is do you love her?"
Daniel looked out across the dark campus. He remembered the first day he saw the bright-eyed freshman walk into his class, all glasses and notes galore. At the time he couldn't help thinking she took geek to a new level, but in an endearing way. She was always beautiful, always eager to learn. She took every chance she could to talk to him about his lectures after class, picking his brain. When he learned she wanted to be an FBI agent he was at a loss. She would have been brilliant in the field of psychology or neuroscience, but he understood she came from a legacy. After she graduated he was pleasantly surprised she kept in touch, even more so when she asked him to consult. There was a lightness to their camaraderie that never dissipated. Until, he thought sadly, today.
"Yeah, I do," Daniel answered Natalie softly.
"Then what are you waiting for?" she asked with a nudge.
XOX
She was silent in the car on the way to the restaurant. All she could think about was the bitter, harsh words she threw in Daniel's face, and after all the times she said she would never judge him for his condition, to turn around and be another one of those people.
Kate picked at her nails nervously, and Donnie was staring her down. "Kate, what happened with you and Pierce?"
"Nothing," she said quietly. "I don't want to get into it."
"Clearly you do," Donnie cajoled, admittedly interested. "I know you don't trust me, Kate, but I'm here if you want to talk. I'll listen."
"Funny how that was never your opening line before."
Donnie sighed, turning into an empty parking lot. "I hurt you badly. Even I know I don't deserve this second chance you're giving me. We were married, and it's familiar and comfortable. There's no…work involved with us, and that was the problem. It was empty passion and a way to piss off your dad. Let's face it Kate, I'm not who you want to be with right now."
A small smile graced her face. "You know, Daniel's the one that told me to cut you some slack," she added softly.
"Surprising, really. You know I told him to man up or let you go awhile back. I didn't mean it selfishly, you know, I just didn't want him to hurt you like I did. He's...special to you, in a way I wasn't Kate. I wanted him to see what he had, even if he didn't realize it. I think he sees, finally, considering he's in love with you," Donnie replied. Her smile faltered, recovering from surprise of her own.
"Yeah, I don't think so. Not after today," Kate huffed, pulling at the buttons on her jacket. "I said something…unforgivable."
"Kate, what I did was unforgivable. Nothing you said can be as bad."
"You don't know him like I do, Donnie. You didn't see his face." Kate turned to look out the window. "I wouldn't forgive me either."
"He will, Kate. He's…different, in a good way. You and I, as much as I don't want to admit it, we're never gonna work. But maybe you and Pierce will. C'mon, I'll take you home," Donnie said finally, turning the car around.
It wasn't long before they pulled up to her apartment, but she hesitated before getting out. "I forgive you, Donnie," Kate said strangely. "I'm not sure why…but I do."
"Thanks Kate, it means a lot," Donnie smiled back, nodding towards her porch. "Like I said, anything is forgivable."
Kate glanced through the windshield.
Daniel sat on her front porch, bobbing his knee nervously.
"Here goes everything, I guess."
XOX
Donnie drove off into the night, leaving Kate and Daniel in a staring contest going nowhere fast.
"I take it you didn't make it to the restaurant," Daniel commented quietly.
Kate shrugged, looking at her heels. "Donnie didn't think it was the best idea we go out on a date after all."
Daniel wilted at the rigidness of her words. "I didn't mean to ruin anything for you Kate. I just…want you to be happy."
Kate held her tone in check this time, taking a deep breath before slowly approaching her porch stairs. "You didn't ruin anything Daniel. I did. It's not like there was anything to ruin anyway. I think it was just…nice, being liked like that, even if it was my ex-husband. We still have things in common, and we're accustomed to each other, even if it's just picking out each others flaws."
She sighed heavily, dropping down next to him.
"I don't think you have any flaws, Kate Moretti," Daniel replied sincerely.
Kate blushed, toying with her keys. "Clearly you haven't seen me try to cook. I'm a disgrace to Italian's everywhere," she laughed, and he laughed with her. She sobered then, before adding, "I'm sorry, about what I said. I tell you I don't judge you and then I go and…say that."
"It's okay. It was the truth, you know. You're not really judging someone if you're telling them the truth. And the truth is I stopped trying."
"What about Caroline?" Kate asked tentatively. She hadn't pushed or prodded the Caroline issue, but she was curious.
Daniel ran a hand through his already messy hair. "Caroline was the real life projection of Natalie, except she wasn't. The girl in my mind is kind and funny and accepting, and Caroline…wasn't. She ran at the first sign of relapse. I can't be with someone who's afraid to let me be me," Daniel lamented sadly. Kate placed a comforting hand on his arm. "But you're all of those things Kate. All and more. I know back in Pennsylvania I didn't exactly broach the topic well…and you had every right to deny anything…but what you said earlier, was it true?"
"You think you didn't broach it well?" Kate questioned on a small laugh, voice pitching a few octaves. "You accused me of liking you, like it was some bad, terrible thing! What was I supposed to think, let alone say Daniel? You said you just want me to be happy. Well I'm happy when I'm with you, whether we're working on a case or sitting in the quad. So yes, I meant it."
"I think I knew that, all along, and maybe that's why I keep you at a distance. No one ever stays Kate, not with someone like me."
"I've stayed, Daniel, I wish you would see that," Kate conceded, a pleading tone coating her words. "I wish you would see me."
Daniel furrowed his brow, looking at her strangely. "I do see you Kate. I see a woman who gives more than she gets and is so determined to find the truth at the expense of her own job and reputation sometimes I hardly believe it. I hardly believe you can care so much for complete strangers. Hell, I hardly believe you can care so much for me."
Kate's smile was watery, and she leaned into him, lightly jarring his shoulder with hers shyly. "You do make caring for you hard sometimes, you know? But it's not a feat I couldn't conquer," she said, a smirk touching her lips. "I knew I'd wear you down eventually. It was my masterful plan after all."
Daniel reached over the small gap between them, entwining her hand with his. "I promise, in the future, I will try to be less petulant about you caring for me then. I will also 'lighten up' as Lewicki tells me every day, and accept your lunch and coffee and dinner invitations. And maybe make a few invitations of my own," he finished solemnly.
She squeezed his hand gently. "So you're saying you see a future then?" she queried, her eyes doing nothing to conceal the sheer hope and fear that sparkled within their depths.
"I'm saying I've been an idiot, Kate. A self-involved moron who couldn't see the girl that loved him before she all but screamed it at him. So, yes, I see a future, for the first time in a long time," he ended on a whisper.
"Okay," she answered softly.
He stood then, turning on the stoop and offering her his hand. "You're all dressed up for a night out, Kate, so what do you say? Would you like to go out with me?" Daniel asked somewhat awkwardly.
Kate grasped his hand, standing up on the step above him, giving them even heights. "You know, I think I'd rather stay in. I just don't feel like sharing tonight," she said lightly, hoping she conveyed her meaning enough.
Daniel grinned, happy to avoid crowds and questions. "Sounds fair enough."
Kate let his hand go then, walking up the rest of her stairs with Daniel trailing closely behind. She'd barely put her keys in the door when he stopped her, gripping her arm gently. "Daniel, what is it?"
"I just…I love you too, Kate, and I thought you should know it's not one-sided. It could never be one-sided," he answered, nervous about her reaction even after all that had been said.
She stared at him for a long moment before arching up, thankful for the extra inches her heels provided before kissing him squarely on the lips. He seemed to freeze for a small space of time, as if analyzing every possibility before relenting. His hand slipped behind her back, the other going to her neck, holding her to him. It was breathtaking and wondrous, and she had to breakaway from the sheer, unadulterated feelings that coursed through her. She broke off on a gasp, and he gazed dizzily down at her, the same emotions playing across his face. It hadn't been an overly passionate kiss, but it was enough to send them spinning, wanting more.
He moved in for another kiss, but she halted his motion with a quick smile. "We should go inside…nosy neighbors," she said breathlessly. He nodded curtly, agreeing as she turned her forgotten keys, pulling him inside, over the threshold.
He allowed her to shut the door, sliding the deadbolt into place before crushing his lips to hers, eager for more of the feelings and the sparks, as was she. He held her against the door, both fighting for control as passion spun wildly out of it. She pushed away from the door, forcing him back into the middle of the room while unwinding his scarf and unbuttoning the familiar wool peacoat he wore studiously, while he divested her of her black leather jacket.
Something clicked rudely in his mind when he saw her in the red silk dress for the second time, hair mussed and cheeks pink. He stopped her next fluid movement, holding her forearms. "I want to take you out on a real date, Kate," he said, surprising himself more than her.
She laughed beautifully, and he knew she understood what he meant. Still bowed to her level, she leaned her forehead against his, catching her breath. "Okay," she repeated as before. "Who knew?"
"Who knew what?" Daniel asked, confused, as he placed his hand on her cheek, reveling in the smooth skin he was allowed to touch.
"Who knew Daniel Pierce was such a romantic," she answered softly. He removed his forehead from hers, replacing it with his lips.
"I only do romance for you, Kate."
She laughed again, before looping her arms around Daniel's neck. "So this date…what will it entail?" She questioned coyly.
"Well…"