Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Kubo Tite does. Lucky him.
Summery: Strolling down the streets naked is not good, especialy when you're about to bump into the little sister of your superior. Provoking a new Arrancar without knowing his rank is also not good. And just for the record, losing your Zanpakuto in a gambling house while your superior is out for castration is definitely not good. No real plot. Not sure if it's drabbles or chapters... well, just read.
Characters chapter one: Renji, Byakuya, Ichigo, Rukia, Hisagi, Kira, Iba, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Rikichi, Zaraki (Yachiru), a pack of rabid dogs and carzy bitches in background.
Warning: ...Spelling (But I tried REALLY hard this time), Nudity, language -cursing.
To be frank, Kuchiki Byakuya, the noble well-mannered Kuchiki Byakuya, did not stroll away on random roofs in Seireitei, and definitely didn't use Shunpo unless necessary to get from one roof to another.
Usualy. Today was a special case.
Last night Renji somehow managed to be released from work early and dissapeared somewhere with his friends. Usualy his Lieutenant's antics was of no concern to him, but it had gotten troublesome when a huge stack of emergency paperwork came in few minutes after Renji left.
No, Byakuya did not sent to call Renji back that evening. After all he already left and despite being considered as a stuck-up-in-the-ass, arrogant, cold-blooded noble he did had a soft side too; he took care of his subordinates and let his lieutenant have some fun. Yes, Ranji might be brash, hotheaded, stubborn and brainless oaf sometimes, but he was a good man and did a hell of a job. And usualy he wasn't late to work.
Yes, Abarai Renji was a good lieutenant. After all, despite what people think Ranji is not Matsumoto; Renji doesn't usualy tries to aggravate his captain, and despite how their captain-lieutenant relationship had began in the past and the exsitence of their rivaly Kuchiki Byakuya and Abarai Renji respect each other and are on good terms.
But then again, this is a special case, after all.
You see, after that huge stack of emergency papers arrived Byakuya litteraly spent all night long doing it. Because him being actually nice and taking care of his duties as a captain he ordered his division to leave him all the work and go to sleep after few hours of paperwork-hell, with only few of the top seats staying to help him. Eventualy he was forced to deliver the files himself to the first division's office and some other places he rather not mentioning. And more than once.
Naturally, he hadn't slept all night.
It continued till the morning, and then the daily reports and files came in. Because his few seats that stayed with him working all night were completely exhausted he ordered them to go home, but not before assuring them that he'll be fine and will rest the moment Abarai-Fukotaichou would come to fill-in for him. That was acceptable. More than accaptable actually; Byakuya had counted on Renji to replace him for at least till noon.
Except Renji never appeard. A quick search uncovered that he wasn't even in Seireitei or anywhere near Junrian. So the mighty, noble captain of the Sixth spent all night working, all day working with no sleep and no Fukotaichou, and somewhere along his long, tormented hours of morning-paperwork Rikichi had blanty noted that 'Kuchiki-Taichou doesn't wear his scarf anymore'.
Yes, his scarf. His long, precious expensive scarf, which passed from one clan-head to another for generation over generation. GONE.
So no, Kuchiki Byakuya didn't usualy Shunpo-ed on random roofs in Seireitei in four PM, but he usualy didn't stay all night long working and discovering his precious scarf is missing, and nor did he usualy stood frozen on a roof of a deserted street staring down to his red-haired Fukotaichou, huridly, secretly scampring around Seireitei streets with few of his friends -namely three other lieutenants and one third-seat- naked.
It shouldn't have bothered him much, actually. Yes, it was... an annoyance. And Renji was sure to be punished for that. despite that he skipped work today, It's one thing to walk in the Sixth's barracks with a night-robe and *exposed legs, or wearing only underwear when they were on the beach in the Living-World, but walking naked on the streets is a whole different thing. And it shouldn't have been that bad, right? It's just his second in command strolling the streets naked (and for the record, he and the others were also covered in bruises and scartches, but Byakuya couldn't care less)...
Except the fact that he (and the other four men) were completely, utterly one-hundred percent nude like at the day they was born.
-and the very grim, very malicious fact that his dear beloved little sister Rukia was approaching the corner and around to the very street the very nude group of men were trying to reach their destination without being seen.
...
Renji stopped. Ducked. Looked around. Stood and sprinted, then again stopped. Hisagi, Iba and Ikkaku did the same.
"Why are we even doing this?" Kira mumbled tiredly behind him, rubbing his bruised arm. "It's still wrok hours, and even so there's no one here. The reason we use these streets is because it's empty most of times. Can't we just run freely and fast without stoping every few seconds?"
They stoppd. They thought. They frowned.
"Kira's right, actually. And it would be quicker that way." Pointed Hisagi, yawning (and wincing at the process). Ikkaku walk past him, stretching shamlessly with all of his muscled glory. Apparently he was used to being beat to shreds. "Remind me who's great idea it was to lose all our clothes in a gambling house?"
"Come on, we always go gambling! and we always get stripped in the end." Iba growled, holding his head in pain. "God, stupid hangover..."
"Yes, but at least we find something to wear and we still have our underwear left." Kira mumbled sadly.
"Well, yeah, this time these fags weren't so nice, or else they wouldn't have us drugged to sleep and dissapeared when morning comes. And this time it's not only our underwear we've lost." Hisagi reminded them grimly. "What I really don't get is how we managed to lose these blankets we stole from Junrian, and those other clothes we found in... what district it was again? the twenty third?"
"Thirty third." Kira quietly corrected. "And how could we know they have three whole packs of rabid hunting dogs?"
"I know that, but we're Shinigami, for crying out loud. How is that that Kira was the only one that thought to use *Sajo Sabaku in the end?"
"I don't know much about Kido, but I heard you saying 'Bakudo sixty three'." Ikkaku murmured. "Ain't it, like, too much for fighting against dogs?"
"..." Kira rubbed his head awkwardly. "Actually I tried Hainawa -that's Bakudo number four- but it... err... didn't work."
"Really? when did ya do that?"
"When you were trying to get that pupp off from your ass." Hisagi murmured darkly. Ikkaku flinched.
"Well, I prefet the hunting dogs over than a pack of crazy bitches with rug-paddles and washboards." Iba shuddered. "Bet'cha they took Isa's free self-defense course."
"Really? and what makes you think so?" Renji groaned sarcasticly, catching his back in pain.
Actually, it was the first time someone had brought up the topic since returning to Seireitei an hour ago. Because speaking of this spacific topic forced them to think about something much worse than losing their clothing. They exchanged silent air without looking at each other, understanding.
"We'll have to go back there." Iba mumbled and everyone nodded in agreement. Renji sighed. "Well, it's no good just standing here, someone might see us. we better get moving." He started walking, not bothering to hide anymore. It was then when Iba finally broke, falling on his knees with his head between his hands, whiping. "Man! I can't believe We've lost our Zanpakuto to a bunch of ugly fags! our Zanpakuto!"
"You did what?"
Everyone instantly turned to the angry and astounded voice behind them.
"Yumichika!"
Yumichika stared at them for a second frowning and then opened his mouth again but-
"-Kuchiki-san!"
...
"...Hey, is that Byakuya on that roof over there?" thought Kurosaki Ichigo as he walked from the other side of the high building the captain was standing on. He jumped, landing on the edge and strolled over to him.
"Hey, Byakuya!" Ichigo raised his hand in greetings, but recieved no response.
"Oi, Byakuya!" He called once more. "Hey..." then Ichigo noticed his expression. The captain was indeed in a bad mood just like he heard. Actually, he seemed furious.
He called again but after few moments of silense he scowled. It wasn't a secret that the noble captain of the six division didn't like him much but ignoring people was very unpolite, even if you're very angry or upset. Ichigo opened his mouth once more, mently noting that Byakuya didn't have his scarf, which means that the rumors he heard about were true, when his long-haired head suddenly swapped sides so quickly and sharply and his expresion turned from furious to almost hysterical and blank and he paled.
So Ichigo finally decided to see what's causing the cold-blooded captain to switch moods so quickly.
He blinked. Twice. Third time.
"... ... ... ..Hey, Byakuya?... does... Renji usualy run naked on the streets?"
Byakuya's eyebrow twitch to the blant, loud comment. Loud because no one voiced it out loud untill now. Well- only he was there untill Ichigo showed up.
And then Ichigo looked the way Byakuya was staring with horrified face.
"Hey, there's Ruki... a..."
Byakuya and Ichigo Simultaneously turned their heads, switching blank wide-eyed gazes from Rukia to Renji, then Rukia, then Renji, and back.
And Renji again. Then Iba fall on his knees, yelling something. Then someone else appeared behind them.
Then Rukia appread from around the corner.
"... ... ... !"
...
Renji stared.
Rukia stared.
Their eyes met.
No one moved. No sound was made. Even Yumichika who called out before in surprise after the girl suddenly appread from behind the corner was frozen in shock.
There were only thoughts running through everyones' mind. And their thoughts was only one word.
'Shitshitshitshitshit!'
Time seemed to copmletely freeze ---and then Rukia's eyes started slowly moving down.
Renji's eyes widened.
...
The next few things happened very quickly and as if in slow motion.
Suddenly something huge imbedded sharply at the white street wall -right infront of Renji's 'below belly' part -and dangerously close to his very-important-very-sensetive certain area.
That was Rukia's first 'vision-block', blocking the nude Renji from her sight.
But there were still others, and so, with natural clueless curiousity her eyes shifted to look at the other men.
The second 'vision-block' was a sudden burst of glowing pink storm-barrier. While at that suddenly something appeared right infront of Rukia and before anyone knew what's happening everything was gone and the street was quiet once again.
A bird chirped.
Renji was trambling, staring down in horror.
The huge thing that was imbedded inside the wall was indeed big, sharp, and really really close to the terrorized red-haired's genitals. Its broad sharp edge was stack in the white stone creating a long, thin crack and its black and silver-grey flat broad surface extended to a long hilt wrapped in white bandages. The other end of the white material stretched to the widewise the street from the hilt to five fingers holding it tightly.
Ichigo collapsed on his butt, taggin the white bandage along and pulling back Zangetsu. "God, that was freakin' close!"
Still with knees shaking Renji followed the retreating chopping-like sword to Ichigo, shrieking with trambling voice. "T-t-t-the fuck? you just nearly castrated me! what the hell, Ichigo!"
"Oh, stop whining! you don't say words like that while being totaly exposed." Ichigo snapped annoyingly and stood up, sword in hand. "Don't want to get castrated then don't run around the streets naked, idiot. Now don't move so I won't miss again!"
Renji squealed and leaped out of the way.
Hisagi flinched with wide eyes, watching the Substitute Shinigami launch his huge Zanpakuto at the escaping Renji with somewhat disturbing ease like it was nothing more than a ribbon. "He's not serious, is he?"
"Does it matter?" Ikkaku shrugged. "If Ichigo fails, Kuchiki-Taichou scores. He's a deadmeat no matter how you look at it -Ow! what's that for?" Ikkaku rubbed his bomp on the head, whipping around to glare at Yumichika.
"You're dead too, you ignorent fool!" Yumichika snapped loudly. "What was that about losing your swords to a bunch of ugly fags a minute ago?- and what the hell happened to your rear ends? are these bite-marks?"
"Huh?" Ichigu looked at Yumichika and then back to Renji, who was prepared for another great nude-dodge. "...So, you're not only walking around completely nude where anyone (namely Rukia) can see you but you also lost your Zanpakuto?" He stared at him with narrowed eyes.
"Shut up! It wasn't on porpuse you know!"
Yumichika sighed. "I can understand how you lost your clothes in gambling, but how in the name of all that's beautiful did you even end up betting on your own swords?"
No said nothing. Kira scratched his head. "W-well... I guess we were kinda wasted..."
"No kiddin'."
Now Ichigo and Yumichika both sighed. Yumichika spoke. "Well, there's no other way, I guess. By the looks of it you guys won't be leaving Seireitei for some time now."
"What do you mean by that?" Hisagi asked quickly, alerted. "We need to go back to Rukongai to get our swords back."
"You won't be going anywhere anytime soon." Yumichika declared. "Because you have a huge amount of work wating in your offices. Usualy it shouldn't be this bad for only one day of work-skipping," the fifth-seat sighed. "but last night few divisions recieved at least ten stacks of an emergency-paperwork. And Because it was already past Kusajishi-Fukotaichou's bed time, guess who stayed all night long with an extremely irritated captain doing this stupid work." Yumichika grumbled, glarring daggers at his bald friend.
"Really? but didn't the captains took care of that already?" mumbled Iba, than mentaly smacked himself. "Ow, crap. That means Komamura-Taichou is probably really exhausted right now..."
"Not only him." Murmured Ichigo. "Apparently Byakuya stayed all night and all day working today and somehow managed lose that scarf of his. Rumors say that he was hoping for a certain red-heard lieutenant of his to replace him in the office this morning so he could go look for it or get some rest." Ichigo emphasized his last words, crossing his arms over his chest. "Guess who didn't show up?"
Renji gulped. Ichigo continued mercilessly, voice now grim.
"And if that's not enough to put Byakuya on bad mood, then seeing his said lieutenant running around the streets completely nude and running into Rukia while doing so is surely to break a few walls -or bones, actually."
Abarai Renji never looked more miserable in his whole after-life.
"I'm dead. I'm so dead."
"Yup." Ichigo did nothing to console him. The inner horror that plunged his heart and mind about seeing Rukia stumble upon a nude Renji still hadn't faded away. He wasn't even sure why. he wasn't jealous or anything, it was just... too damn weird. and the last thing he needed was for poor Rukia to get scarred for life. Then he comicaly thought that these 'rumors' about Byakuya weren't exactly rumors spreading across Seireitei, but more like facts Rikichi had told him when bumping into him while in a futile search for Renji, knowing that Ichigo was a good friend of Renji. Poor poor Rukia probably has no idea of what's going on, and Byakuya just literally swept her away off her feet.
"So it was Kuchiki-Taichou after all..." Hisagi murmured. Kira looked troubled. "Yes, and I don't think it's good that he just released his Shikai on us."
"Anyway, In case you guys have forgetten," Yumichika coughed impatiently. "you're still standing here undressed." The grope suddenly became very self-aware and blushed, using their hands to cover themselves; there was something about the feminine Yumichika that made people feel awkward. "And you have work to do that could last three whole days, because Hisagi-Fukotaichou and Kira-Fukotaicho are filling-in both lieutenant's and captain's duty, in case you forgatten that too."
Hisagi and Kira mantaly slaped themselves, groaning. In fact, yes, they did forget.
"Work can wait, dammit!" Ikkaku snapped. "We need to get back our Zanpakuto first."
"No, first you need to get some clothes." Yumichika barked angrily, sending his friend a furious dark glare that had him and the other squirming and flinching in fear under the fifth-seat's glowing green eyes. "Then your'e going back to work and won't leave until you finished it all. Is that clear?"
Iba opened his mouth to protest. Yumichika cut him off before he could. And he smiled.
"I said; is. that. Clear?'"
"-Y-Yes! completely utterly clear!" the five squeaked. Yumichika smiled even more.
"Now that wasn't so hard, was it? then off you go, now! leave me and Ichigo-kun to take care of your swords and don't you worry about it." Yumichika chirpped, than his expression changed. "Ho! but before you do take off, tell us where you lost your swords -and what did happen to you? it's not new for you to get all beaten up, but these bite-mark on your ass, Ikkaku, is highly unbeautiful." He then grinned.
"That's not funny, you asshole." The bald groaned. "And it kinda hurts, ya know."
"We lost everything in a gambling house in Rukongai. We tried to get some clothes in the thirty-third district and it turned out that village has... a special 'privilege' for thieves." Hisagi explained.
Ichigo snored, trying not to laugh. "What? using you as bite-toys?"
"Asshole." Ikkaku mumbled. Iba set down, leaning on the wall with a groan. "They sent at least thirty hungry rabid hounds after us."
"Ho. How did you get away?"
"Kira used Sajo Sabaku."
"On dogs?" Yumichika murmured, sifting eyebrow skepticaly. "Overdid it, if you ask me. Wouldn't Hainawa be more simple?"
"I did." Kira growled. "...They ripped it off."
"Seriously?" Ichigo gagged. "The hell kind of pets you've got here, anyway?..." he mumbled, chuckling ridiculously.
"And since when you're so knowledgeable in Kido?" Ikkaku murmured absentmindedly, more foused on twisting his body to examine the mark left on his rear-ends.
"Please, how do you think the shelves at the Thirteen division's archives stay at place without crashing and or scattering around when you and Taichou are training like two rabid puppies?" the gorgeous fifth-seat said agitated, waving his hand impatiently.
IKkaku gagged from the obvious indication, Renji, Iba and Hisagi chuckled.
Yumichika's face lit up. "Then again, I could use that special glue again..." He mumbled, smirking at the suddenly horrified bald. "That special glue, Ikkaku..."
"Don't you dare!"
...
Rukia stood silent, looking around and wondering how she got the Kuchiki mansion when she was not even close to it just seconds ago. She did remember seeing Renji though, but...
Beside her her brother stood. She opened her mouth to ask.
"Ni-sama?"
"Yes?"
"Wasn't I just straing at Renji a moment ago?"
"You were?" play innocent. You no nothing. She had seen nothing!
"Yes, I'm sure it was him, but... somthing was odd. I'm not sure what though..."
"..."
"I think he wasn't wearing a shirt..."
"..."
"And I'm not sure, but I think I saw a huge butcher-knife that looked alot like Zangetsu..."
"..."
"...Ano, Ni-sama?"
"Yes, Rukia?"
"... You are aware that your Shikai is released, right?"
"Yes, I am aware."
"May I ask... why is that?"
"... I need it."
"Ok. ...May I ask what for?"
"Castrating rabid dogs."
"... I see."
*Any of you remember when Renji first went to see Rukia in prison? he was wearing that white-pink-flowery robe, and when he wolk, I couldn't but drull at his legs xD
*Bakudo 63; Saji Sabaku - Locking Bondage Stripes. These yellow chaines, for anyone who don't remember. Hainawa is Bakudo 4. Rukia used it on Arruer...ru...KAIEN-imitation-Espada-nine-whatever his name is_.
Well?