Warnings: blasphemy, bad language, suicidal thoughts
Cas had made his peace with his fate as he lay on the ground, bleeding out from multiple wounds from the Croat attack. He was going to die exactly as he wanted; helping Dean to fulfill his dream. He hadn't felt this good in years, even when he was high. At long last, his task was done.
That, naturally, was when the whisper of angelic senses that he didn't even know he still had informed him that Dean was dead. The backlash of Grace from their snapped bond was the first, glorious touch of the divine he'd had in years, but he was too furious to appreciate it.
"No!" he shouted, choking on his own blood. He tried to stand, but he was too weak. Pathetic. Useless. All he could do was rage against God, so that was what he did. With his last, gasping breath he cursed his Father for his fate, for Dean's, for the Earth's. What more could he possibly have given? Could any of them?
But despite his overwhelming desire to find Dean, save him if possible, avenge him if not, the world went dark around him.
When he opened his eyes again, a young woman was standing over him.
"You called?" she asked.
"What? No I didn't." Cas paused for a moment. "Wait, are you Death?"
She laughed, a light, pure sound that was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever heard. "Oh, Castiel. You really are human, aren't you?"
"No one calls me that," Cas shot back automatically. Only three people at Chitaqua even knew that he'd once had a name other than Cas. "And you still haven't answered my question. Who are you?"
"I'm God."
"Bullshit."
"No, it's really Me." She let the tiniest fraction of her power shine through her vessel or illusion or whatever it was and almost burned out his all-too-human eyes. Blood trickled from his eyes, ears and nose, which Cas swiped at impatiently, not bothering to question why his limbs were suddenly working again.
"Suppose I believe you…I definitely didn't call you."
She smiled gently. "Of course you did. In your last moments, I heard your spirit cry out for your Father, and here I am."
It was probably for the best that Cas was literally paralyzed by the torrent of fury that swept through him at that little assertion, because it kept him from voicing any of the thoughts in his head. Not that that ultimately hindered the being across from him from hearing them.
"I can't intervene every single time someone calls on Me," God scolded, still with a gentle smile on her face.
"It was the FUCKING APOCALYPSE!" Cas screamed in her face. "Creation is totally destroyed! Angels conspired with demons to wipe out your favored children! If you can't intervene for that then what's the fucking point!?"
"Sometimes humanity needs to start over with a fresh slate," God pointed out patiently. "Remember the flood? There were hundreds of years of relative peace after that."
"Well, this time you forgot to build an ark," Cas growled, his teeth clenched so tightly his jaw cracked. "No fresh slate. A few more years and there won't be a single human left, and then Lucifer will lay siege to Heaven and there won't be anything at all."
"Yes, that would be a problem," God said thoughtfully.
Cas made a strangled noise.
"But you're wrong."
"Maybe you haven't looked at the earth lately, but I'm really not. The few pockets of resistance have no way to communicate or coordinate their efforts, and even if they could hold out against the Croats, the humans have no idea how to protect themselves from the demons, let alone Lucifer himself. It's over."
"Are you saying that you know better than Me, Castiel?"
"Stop calling me that! And yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. If you'd decided to wake up and pay attention five years ago, none of this would have happened!" A few short years ago, Cas would have smote anyone for such blasphemy, but he was a whole new man, now.
"You know, the last time an angel said something like that to Me, he was cast into hell," God scolded mildly.
"Fine, get Michael up off his lazy ass and throw me off the goddamned cloud already. At least I won't have to stand here listening to this."
God tilted her head, peering straight into his...soul? the tatters of his grace? "You don't mean that. Even after everything that's happened, you still have faith."
"Faith? Me? Not anymore. Ask anyone. Or you could if they weren't all dead."
"You couldn't feel this much anger, this much disappointment, if you didn't still believe."
"There isn't an angel in creation who doesn't think I'm the most pathetic creature to ever exist. Even Lucifer believes that. Hell, even the humans believe that. I am just an empty shell. Useless. And definitely faithless. And if you can't be bothered to send me to hell, why don't you go there yourself."
"Stubborn brat," God said fondly, which really wasn't the response Cas was expecting. "I didn't Create this world so everyone would do exactly as I said; I Created this world to Be. To have choices. Now, I'll be the first to admit that free will takes a bit of practice; it comes much easier to the humans than to my firstborn. But it is possible, as Lucifer showed."
"Wait a minute—you were pleased when Lucifer rebelled?"
"Well, I'll admit that he could have chosen a better way to exercise his free will."
"You think?"
"You could stand to be a bit more respectful, My Child."
"I thought you wanted us to do whatever we wanted. Free will, and all."
"Yes, well, you could choose to respect the One who gave you existence and free will."
"I'm not feeling very respectful at the moment, given that you're about to wipe out every life that ever existed."
"Ah, but you see, I'm not."
"You're not."
"I changed my mind."
"You what?"
The woman hummed happily, then another voice echoed through the glen.
We're making it up as we go along.
Go! I'll hold them off. I'll hold them all off!
"That's me," Cas said slowly. "The night Lucifer rose."
"Yes. At the eleventh hour, as it were, one of the Firstborn turned his back on My command for the sake of another. You, Castiel, showed me that somewhere within all of you is the capacity for free will. Well, a more productive and less self-serving free will than your brethren displayed, at any rate."
"Well, I—wait. If that's true, why didn't you do something then?"
"Well, we both know how Lucifer's attempts at free will turned out, and I had to be sure that you wouldn't do the same."
Cas thought back on how he'd used his free will and wondered if it was possible to die of humiliation.
"I was really more concerned with your abandonment of Me than your…life of decadence," God said delicately.
Obviously it wasn't possible, because he would have died right then.
"But in your last moments, you cried out to your Father to forgive you. And so here I am."
Cas couldn't summon up his earlier rage. Now he was just…tired. "Great. So if I'd prayed a little sooner, you would have stopped the Apocalypse? It's my fault that millions of people had to die, that Dean is dead? That's just…awesome."
"All things in their due time, Castiel."
Maybe he still had a little anger left. "Fuck that, and fuck you."
God sighed heavily. "Well, I suppose I set myself up for that one. Just for that, I'm only healing your most recent injuries."
Cas gasped as all the familiar indignities of being human made themselves known—sore muscles, hunger, the dull ache in the foot he'd broken, and of course the craving for narcotic oblivion. He hadn't even realized it was all gone. He began to sweat in the heat. Charming.
"Now go."
"What? Go where?"
"You're a bit slow on the uptake today, aren't you? You're My ark, Castiel. Now go! Fix it!"
The world filled with brilliant white light, and Cas blacked out again.
When he came back to awareness, he immediately knew where he was. This was the single most important moment of his entire millennia of existence.
He was in Hell, and there in front of him was the Righteous Man.
Dean.
Cas was filled to bursting with all the power of his untarnished Grace, and the part of him that was almost-but-not-quite-human sang to be so close to Dean again, a Dean marked by Hell but not the trials of the Apocalypse and Sam's betrayal. The pure light of his soul was so bright, it was a wonder every angel in Heaven wasn't drawn to this place. He was back at the beginning. A second chance, to get things right.
Cas reached out.