Disclaimer: Don´t own CSI or any of it´s characters.
A/N: A big thanks to Come what may for the awesome beta! Enjoy!
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Baby shoes
The doctor looks at me sympathetically.
"I´m sorry Dr. Grissom but there was nothing else we could do."
This can´t be right. What he is telling me can´t be right. It isn´t supposed to happen. Not now. Not as we were just so happy...
He keeps on talking, but I stop listening and make my way back towards the waiting room, where the team is waiting for news.
As I approach them they all get up from their seats, but Catherine is the only one to come closer to me.
"Gil?" She already knows what I am going to tell them but her voice is still hopeful, even though my expression must tell them all they need to know.
"Oh my God." I hear Cath mumble before she lifts her arms to envelope me in a hug.
Shaking my head I take a step back, distancing myself enough for her to get the message. I can´t do this right now, her touch would be too much...
"Gil..."
"No." My voice is shaking with emotion but I don´t mind, not anymore. It´s not important that they see how affected I am, I couldn´t hide it anyway.
Before anyone else can say anything, I´ve already left the room. I need to get away. Away from them, away from the hospital, away from the reminders of what I´ve just lost.
I do not notice the tears sliding down my cheeks until I have to stop at a red light and the woman in the car next to me is giving me an odd look, but I still don´t bother to wipe them away.
How could this happen? How could I let this happen? Why did I let Sara work this shift, she wasn´t even supposed to be there, she was supposed to be home resting...
Anger at myself is overcoming me and overriding the pain for a moment. My knuckels are turning white as I grip the steering wheel as hard as I can. I want it to hurt, I deserve it to hurt...
The tears still haven´t stopped as I pull up in front of my-- our -- townhouse. Instead of going in I stay seated in the car, looking at the front door; feeling the world, my world, break into a million pieces around me.
The house is dark, just as we´ve left it when we went to work last night.
I´ve lived in this house for more than ten years, but it has only become a home since Sara moved in.
Now it only represents a place of unfulfilled dreams. Dreams I only discovered I had when we started dating - I need to get rid of the reminders, of the things that are left of her, of my dreams...
I finally get out of the car and into the house, trying to detatch myself from the situation. That´s what I´m good at, detatching myself. I´m not surprised when it doesn´t work this time.
My mind is still wondering how to handle the situation while my hands are already busy pulling out boxes from our bedroom closet.
I gotta put her things away; I cannot have them here, not when...
My mind is slowly going numb as I start boxing her few things. I don´t have to feel the pain anymore and I´m grateful for that. Numbness is overtaking all of my body and I´m only functioning on autopilot, not really registering what I´m doing, not looking at the things I´m putting away. No, it would hurt too much...
When I look at the clock for the first time since arriving here, I have already packed up four small boxes and most of her stuff is gone. I like the illusion that if I don´t have to see it, I´ll be able to forget. And maybe so will she...
As I notice how much time has passed, reality comes crushing back in and I realize I need to get back to the hospital.
I do not want Sara to be alone when she wakes up. And I don´t want her to be alone when she is told that our daughter didn´t make it, that it was too early for her...
The last thing I notice before closing the door are the tiny shoes, standing next to Sara´s in our hallway. I bought them when we first found out that she was pregnant.
The initial shock of the news had not worn off yet. I had told Sara I needed some time to clear my head and would go for a walk. I knew it hurt her, I knew she wanted for me to be happy about the news but it was all just too much at that moment.
So I went to the mall, initially just to people-watch.
And then I came across the display of that baby-shop. And as I saw the shoes I couldn´t help but go in.
"Looking for something specific?" The saleswoman asked as soon as I entered the store, probably looking a bit lost.
"Mmh...could I look at the babyshoes you have displayed in the window?" I asked hesitantly.
"Sure." She beamed at me already making her way over to the display window to get the shoes and soon handing them over to me.
"They are cute aren´t they?" She asked, her voice high pitched as all women´s voices seem to get when talking about baby stuff.
I just looked at the shoes, so tiny, so perfect...I couldn´t imagine a person´s feet to fit into them...
"I´ll take them."
I don´t know why but somehow at that moment I realised what all this meant. That soon Sara and I would have a baby. Together. And I´d never felt so happy in my entire life.
When I got home Sara was sitting on our couch reading some sort of forensics journal. I saw the wet streeks on her cheeks, indicating she´d been crying.
"Honey, I´m sorry." I whispered, sitting down next to her and kissing her on the cheek.
"I bought something for you." I added, handing her the bag containing my gift.
She didn´t say a word as she took it from me and looked inside, a look of confusion on her face.
But I´ll never forget how her face lit up when she saw the shoes.
"Gil..."
"I´d guess our baby won´t be satisfied with just crawling for very long so I thought we´d better be prepared."
She just stared at me, tears in her eyes and kissed me softly.
"Thank you."
"You´re welcome."
And so we put the shoes next to ours, always a reminder that soon it wouldn´t only be the two of us anymore.
We couldn´t have known it would end this way...
A story of Hemmingway comes to my mind as I take one last look at the shoes before stuffing them into one of the boxes also:
"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."
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A/N: Reviews are always appreciated!