A/N: Well... I felt like it would be fun to write a fic that was total crack. This took a very long time to write (mostly because I was trying to come up with an part for each character) and some of the ideas were from my friends. Reviews will be greatly appreciated. :)
Okay? okay... ONWARD TO THE CRACK!
WARNING! THIS MAY BE HIGHLY DISTURBING AT SOME POINTS ESPECIALLY NEAR THE END!!!
oh... and I dont own Naruto or any other copywritten thing that happens to be in this fic
"I said no!"
"Aw! C'mon, teme! I don't want to do it!"
"Then just what makes you think I would, dobe?"
Sasuke and Naruto were standing next to a well on the outskirts of Konohagakure.
"Cause..." Naruto paused and to think of some way to convince him. "Cause, if you do it, Sakura will hate you for helping me."
Sasuke gave him a confused face. "That doesn't even make sense. I've helped you before and she still doesn't leave me alone. Besides, you're the one who dropped it." Sasuke closed his eyes, pouted and leaned up against the well.
"But-"
"NO! Why the hell should I, Uchiha Sasuke, climb down an empty well to go get your wallet that you dropped?" Sasuke said, thinking this would make the blonde leave him alone.
Naruto just glared at him for a moment. Then a smirk spread across his face. "Well fine. I guess your right. I guess I'll go get it myself." Naruto said.
"Damn right you will!" Sasuke said as he started to walk away.
"Accept for one thing," Naruto said, stopping the Uchiha.
"What?!" he said angry as he whirled around to face the boy.
"Your comin' with me!" He grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him backward onto his chest and the two toppled backward into the well. The two then landed in a very unninja-like fashion at the bottom of the deep pit. Naruto landed on top of Sasuke, and once again, they shared an accidental kiss.
Sasuke pushed Naruto's face away with his hand while the two made gagging noises.
"Dear God! Would you stop doing that? I'm beginning to think you like it!" Sasuke yelled at him.
"Um... Yea... I know.. It's so gross how that keeps happening," Naruto said, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head.
"What? Your not saying you actually like kissing me, are you, dobe?" Sasuke said, surprised.
"Um... No..." Naruto said. "I mean, no! Absolutely not!"
"Oh..." Sasuke looked sad.
"Why, do you?" Naruto looked surprised this time.
"N-no!" Sasuke said a little to defensively.
"Okay then." The two looked away from each other and crossed there arms. They sat like that for a few moments. The silence was creeping over them. Then, totally at random, Sasuke smashed his lips against Naruto's and held for a good five minutes while Naruto banged his hand on the stone floor.
They eventually parted and stared at each other, wide-eyed and gasping.
"What was that for!" Naruto screamed at him after the shock had worn off.
"I... I.. I wanted to show you how annoying it was! That's it! Yea..." Sasuke lied.
"Oh... Okay..." Naruto said as he looked down and ran his fingers through his hair.
"Yea..." Sasuke looked down too. Then, after a few more minutes of silence, Sasuke spoke again. "We, uh," he paused. "We should probably try to get out of here shouldn't we," he stood up.
"Um... Yea..." Naruto stood up too.
A few more minutes of silence passed over them, until Naruto repeated Sasuke's stunt and spaztically started kissing him until they were both on the floor. When they finally parted for a moment, Naruto asked
"Still hate it?" he gasped.
"Uh huh!" Sasuke answered and then they continued to make out on the floor of the well.
Gaara and Neji sat on a couch in Sakura's living room. Gaara was wearing just a plain black t-shirt and baggy black pants that went to his ankles, his gourd lay next to his feet. He was apparently having an 'issue'. He was getting sick all over the place for a completely unknown reason and had eaten everything in his house and was still hungry. He was currently eating a bag of potato chips that were now almost gone and crumbling all over everything.
"Augh! Give me those!" She grabbed them from him. "Your making a mess and you probably don't need to eat that much right now. I mean, if you keep puking, wouldn't you think you should stop eating so much? And why couldn't you have gone to one of the doctors in Suna? Wouldn't that be more logical so that you don't have to walk through the dessert for two days when there's something wrong with you?"
Gaara shrugged. "I..." He thought for a moment. "I dunno." He looked up at her.
"Could you just tell us what's wrong?" Neji asked.
"I think he's pregnant," Sakura announced.
"But," he paused and looked at her confused. "I'm a guy,"
"And?" she cocked an eyebrow.
"Nothing," he folded his arms and sat back on the couch.
"Gaara," Neji paused to contemplate this news, "is... pregnant? Are you sure about that?" he looked at her in disbelief.
"Yes" she said.
"Really? You are positive that a guy is pregnant just on the few facts that he is puking and has a bazar appetite?" Gaara looked at her, still not completely believing what she was saying.
"You've also missed your period," she said matter-of-factly
"I'm a guy! I don't get my period!" He yelled at her.
"Well there ya' go then!" she said. Gaara just glared at her.
She sighed, exasperated. "Look! I don't have time for this!" She looked at them angrily.
"You are pregnant," she pointed to Gaara, "And you are going to take care of him because you are apparently the father!" She pointed at Neji.
"If he's the father," Gaara gestured toward Neji, "Then what does that make me?" he questioned.
"The mother," Sakura told him. "Now get out of my house!" she ordered. She then pushed the couple out of her house and slammed the door behind them.
They began walking, not to any particular place, in silence.
The wind blew, which messed up Neji's hair thus making it so that he had to fix it. He ran his hand down the back of his dark brown hair in an incredibly manly fashion to smooth out his manly low pony-tail that he had washed with his uber manly strawberry scented frizz-preventing shampoo for normal to dry hair.
They eventually came to a wall, which Neji hopped up onto. He helped Gaara up because obviously his condition prevented him from using his sand to help him up.
Naruto and Sasuke were still at the bottom of the well and were still making out. Yea... I'm not gonna go into description on what they're doing cause this isn't a real yaoi fic. So... We're gonna skip over a few more minutes of them making out until-
Sakura was standing in front of the well. Kakashi had told them to meet there, most likely, for a mission and she was the only one there. Kakashi was always late and Naruto was sometimes too, but Sasuke? Where were they? She thought she had been late because of Gaara and Neji, but no one was there. She was just beginning to wonder if she was at the wrong well when she heard a loud yelp. She looked around to see who it had come, but couldn't place it. There was no one around, and it sounded very close to her. And echo-y.
She turned and looked into the well. She couldn't see very well, but there was something down there.
"Wait! Not here, dobe," she heard Sasuke's voice.
"Sasuke? Naruto? Is that you?" She called down the well.
All she could hear now is them whispering to each other angrily. After a while she heard Naruto answer her.
"Um.. Y-Yea?"
"What are you guys doing down there?" She questioned.
"Um... Nothing!" Sasuke answered hastily.
"Well get out of there! Kakashi-sensei will be here soon!" She ordered them
"Um.. We... uh.. Can't! Yea, that's it! We can't get out!" Naruto said
"Why? You can just use your chakra to climb out" she suggested.
More frantic whispering.
"We uh... We don't have anymore chakra." Sasuke yelled up to her.
"What? How come?" she was somewhat worried now. Somewhat. For Sasuke anyway.
"Cause it... got.. EATEN!" Naruto yelled stupidly, earning a slap upside the head.
"Eaten? By what?" Sakura looked down the well at them.
"A... CHUPACABRA!" Naruto yelled.
"A chupacabra." she said questioningly.
"Yea!"
"A chupacabra ate your chakra? Really?"
"Uh huh"
"Wow..." She paused. "Should I go get Kakashi to help you guys get out?"
"No! That's not necessary!" Sasuke yelled a little too quickly. Inside he was thinking "Why couldn't you get us out yourself if we really were trapped?"
"Why?" Sakura said suspiciously.
"We mean... Uh..." Naruto paused to think. "W-why do you have to get Kakashi when you could get someone so much more like.. uh..." he paused again. "Chuck Norris!"
"Chuck Norris?" she was completely confused now.
"Um.. Yea! Chuck Norris can do anything!" Sasuke backed him up after hitting him upside the head again.
"And just where am I suppose to find Chuck Norris?" She asked disbelievingly.
"At... uh... The hidden Temple of Chuck Norris!" Naruto added to their frantic lie.
"And where is this Hidden Temple of Chuck Norris?"
"On a mountain!" Sasuke yelled trying to end this conversation.
"Ah. And just what is this mountain called?" she asked, now irritating the two boys with her persistence.
"It's called uh..." there was a pause. "Big-ass rock!"
"Big-ass rock?"
"Yes! Now go!" Sasuke tried to get her to leave so that he could continue making out with Naruto.
"Okay... So let me get this straight. You want me to go find Chuck Norris because you fell down a well and got your chakra eaten by a chupacabra?" she was still somewhat suspicious of what was going on.
"Yep!"
"That's right!"
"Whatever," she turned and left.
The two breathed a sigh of relief and then continued making out again.
Gaara and Neji sat on the wall talking about such manly things as what they would name the baby and what color it's room would be. 'Cause you know, that's what you do when you find out your boyfriend is pregnant. You talk about what kind of fluffy things you'll give it.
"...but yellow is an ugly color!" Gaara whined.
"Yea, but it's neutral so no matter what the sex is, the color won't matter," Neji explained.
"Heh heh... Sex..." Gaara snickered. Neji smirked at the word too. Despite the fact that they'd done it maybe 70 times in the few months they'd been dating, the word still made them laugh.
"What about green? That's neutral and a lot more attractive than yellow and looks less like piss," he suggested.
"Or maybe-" he was cut off when someone screamed in an insane way.
"Stop it, Kiba-kun!" someone with a very high pitched voice said. The two boy's looked away from each other for a moment to see that Hinata and Shino were headed towards them, carrying Kiba.
Kiba pointed at them, looking terrified. "OH MY GOD IT'S THE SAND-MAN!" he screamed. "Spiderman, save us before he goes all PFLLLSHCHSHHHH!!!! with the sand and everyone's all 'AHHHH!' and the sand goes everywhere and he's all 'WAZAM! I IS SAND!' but then you come in in your super-sexy spandex suit and your spider webs and are all 'I am Peter Parker in disguise but I'm not gonna tell you that 'cause I'm also spider man so I need a secret identity so I can save you alls from teh sand-man'!" he grabbed Shino by the jacket and shook him back and forth.
"For the last time, I only like insects. Arachnids mean nothing to me," Shino told him, sounding irritated. Or as irritated as the bug-dude could sound.
Neji jumped down from the wall. "What are you talking about?" he said as he helped Gaara down as well.
"Pikachu! I choose YOU!" Kiba yelled as he picked up Akamaru off the ground a threw the poor dog at Gaara. "Now use thunderbolt!" he commanded. Luckily, Gaara's sand shield caught the dog before it hit him and put him gently on the ground.
"What is wrong with you?" Neji looked at him like he was insane because as far as they could tell, he was.
"Kiba-kun tried to learn skate-boarding," Hinata explained. "And, well, he was good at first but, he hit a rock and went flying into a brick wall and fell in a dumpster..." she trailed off looking at the insane dog-boy with concern. "Anyway, he's a bit disoriented now,"
Kiba stumbled around for a few moments before falling face-first onto Hinata's chest, who immediately blushed bright red. Kiba took a moment to contemplate what was going on. He then looked mesmerized at Hinata's chest and poked one of her breasts. "Ooohhhh. Squisheh!" He announced.
"Kiba-kun!" Hinata shrieked as she through him off her. Kiba didn't pay much attention to this and instead looked at the other Hyuga with intrest.
Kiba then jumped on Neji's back and yelled, "Quick fudge-head! We must go sideways over the moon in under 5.4 chicken pox in order to stop the catfish from stealing all the gravy the dandelions just gave birth to! If we don't lord badger will have a fit!" He kicked him in the sides like a horse. "Onward Fudge-head. Meine Hosen sind auf Feuer!"
"What?" Neji looked completely confused.
"He just said that his pants were on fire in german," Shino translated.
"Um.. W-we should probably get Kiba to the hospital so they can fix him," Hinata said, worried.
"NO! I don't wanna be fixed, I'm still a virgin!" He said as he scrunched down a bit to hide his head behind Neji's.
They then noticed that Gaara was doubled over on the ground holding his stomach with a sick look on his face.
"W-what's wrong with him?" Hinata asked.
"Oh, he's just pregnant," Neji told them casually.
"Oh, congratulations, nii-san. Will he be moving in with us then?" Hinata questioned.
"I don't know yet. We're still figuring some things out," He told her.
"Perhaps we should get them both to a doctor," Shino suggested as Gaara abruptly stood up, ran over to a bush, and threw up.
"Ooo-ohh! You guy's are gonna have a lil' baby thing of your own?" Kiba asked.
Neji sighed. "Yes..." Gaara continued to throw up. "Well, let's get going then," he said. Gaara straightened himself and waked over next to Neji, slouched and sick looking.
"Are you alright?" he asked him.
Gaara looked like he was going to throw up again, but held back. "Yea,"
"Alright then," he adjusted Kiba on his back. "Let's go,"
The group started walking, but the disoriented Kiba couldn't keep his mouth shut any longer.
"Oh! I has a song for you two!" He announced to Neji and Gaara.
"Kiba, don't!" Gaara yelled at him. However, this didn't stop him from singing a horrible parody of what was once a great song.
"Gaara spelled with two 'a's was getting bored
On a Peavea amp in 1984
While Neji without a 'g' tried out some new guitars
Playing Gaara-with-two-a's' favourite song
La da da da, la da da, la da da
La da da da, la da da, la da da
Neji and Gaara
Often Gaara would have spells where he lost time
He saw the future, he heard voices from inside
The kind of voices he would soon learn to deny
Because at home they got him smacked
La da da da, la da da, la da da
La da da da, la da da, la da da
Neji and Gaara
Neji and Gaara
Neji called his uncle about layaway plans
And Gaara told the friendly salesman that:
'You'll all die in your cars,
And why's it gotta be dark?
And you're all working in a submarine,
Asshole!'
He saw the lights, he saw the pale English face
Some strange machines repeating beats and thumping bass
Visions of pills that put you in a loving trance
That make it possible for all white boys to dance
And when Neji finished Gaara's song, Gaara clapped
La da da da, la da da, la da da
La da da da, la da da, la da da
Neji and Gaara
Neji and Gaara"
Kiba stopped singing when they reached their destination.
"Thank you, Kiba!" Gaara said sarcastically. They then went inside the hospital where they found Tenten and Lee sitting in the lobby. Lee was turned away from them, facing Tenten
"What're you two doing here?" Gaara asked but immediately figured it out when Lee turned to face them.
"Um..." Tenten started. "Lee saw some guys trying to put their whole fist in their mouth and immediately he had to exclaim 'If I cannot put my whole fist in my mouth then it is 200 push-ups!' and well..." she gestured toward the poor boy. "He succeeded..."
Lee was sitting, looking somewhat ashamed, with his fist in his mouth.
"'ah an' geh ih ow," he said, his words muffled by his fist.
"What?" Gaara said, not understanding a word he just said.
"He can't get it out," Tenten said for him.
"Ah... Of.. corse..." He looked down at Lee with a 'wtf' expression on his face.
"So what's wrong with all of you?" she asked.
"Oh. I'm pregnant and Kiba ran into a brick wall," Gaara told her sounding actually happy about the situation.
"Okay then..." she looked disturbed now.
"Can I touch yer buns?" Kiba exclaimed as he jumped off Neji's shoulders and pushed Gaara out of the way in order to get closer to the kinoichi.
"W-wah?" Tenten looked terrified.
"Can. I touch. Your buns." he said very slowly, his face now very close to Tenten's.
"Uh.. Um..." Kiba didn't let her answer. Instead, he started rubbing his face on her hair. "Niiiice buns..." he cooed. Tenten stared straight ahead, unblinking, with a terrified expression across her face.
He prodded one lightly with the tips of his fingers. "Nice fudgy-buns..."
"Okay, well we better get going now. C-come on Kiba," Hinata pulled him away from Tenten and over to the reception desk so that they could get him in to see a doctor.
"Uhg! Where is he?" Sakura was getting frustrated. Kakashi was suppose to be here over an hour ago. What was taking him so long!
Meanwhile, outside of McDonalds...
Kakashi was in the driver's seat while Gai was in the passengers seat. They had been sitting in line for two hours and it was finally their turn.
"Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?" The cashier asked.
"I want a double cheeseburger, a small fry, a cheeseburger happy-meal, and two sodas!" He said, exasperated.
"And a wopper!" Gai added.
"And for the last time this is McDonalds! They don't have a wopper," he told him.
"What? That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard!" He leaned over Kakashi and yelled into the speaker, "And a wopper!"
"This is McDonalds. You'll have to go to Burger King to get a wopper," the cashier told him.
"What? No! I want a wopper!"
"We don't have-"
Gai then climbed over Kakashi, opened the door, got out, and started yelling at the speaker.
"Listen, for the love of all that is good and youthful, GET ME A WOPPER!"
Gaara sat cross-legged in a hospital bed wearing a pink hospital dress with blue flowers all over it holding his teddy bear in his arms because he's just that manly.
"Why do you still carry that thing with you?" Neji asked, somewhat annoyed that his boyfriend, his boyfriend, was carrying around a teddy-bear.
Gaara shrugged. "I dunno. I just do,"
There was a long moment of silence, or at least for Neji, while Gaara apparently was listening to whatever it was his bear was saying to him. Then Gaara randomly yelled
"Well, FUCK YOU, Mr. Bear! You speak lies! LIIEEES!!!!" he then threw it at Neji and hit him in the head.
"What the- Did you just quote Johnny the Homicidal Maniac?" Neji looked at him like he was insane.
"Um.. N-no..." Gaara took the bear back from Neji and held it in his arms like he was before.
"Yes you did!"
"No I didn't!"
"Yes! Yes you did!"
Gaara sighed. "The world would be so much nicer if people only used guns on themselves..."
"You just did it again!" Neji yelled at him. "And look, I know you read it anyway so it doesn't really matter,"
"Why do you even know these quotes in the first place?" Gaara asked Neji suspiciously.
"Because you've made me read them before!" Neji was ready to claw his eyes out. Gaara was being extremely stubborn lately. Or at least... more stubborn than normal.
"Only because Nny is amazing. I mean, what else could have provoked me to become a serial killer?" he turned his head to look at Neji.
"Um.. Wasn't it because the Shukaku tells you to kill people and if you don't he tries to take over your body and hurt you and the fact that you can't sleep along with being alone almost all the time drove you insane and the whole killing made you feel 'alive' thing?" Neji raised one eyebrow.
"Oh... Yea... That too,"
Kiba was asleep in a hospital bed. The doctors had had to call in an ANBU to knock him out because he had, rather violently, insisted that if he fell asleep, his demon would come out and kill everyone. He had neglected to realize that he is, in fact, not Gaara.
Hinata was outside the hospital on a bench looking at all the super happy bubble-gum smiley world of the ever-sunshiny Konohagakure when something fell from the sky and hit her on the head. It fell in front of her feet. It was a thin black note-book with the words "Death Note" written at the top in gold letters.
"A death note?" she picked it up and opened it. "Who-ever's name is written in this notebook will die..." She gasped. "That's... That's..." A sadistic smirk spread across her face.
"Amazing..."
Meanwhile, at the Akatsuki Lair...
Tobi walked up to the door of Deidara's room. He needed to ask his sempai something. There was loud music coming from the room. Most of it was lyrics with some background noise. The song was being sung by a woman. He opened the door slightly. Just when he was going to ask him his question, he stopped and stared at what his sempai was doing.
Deidara was dancing around the room, lip-syncing, with a Sasori doll.
"Coin operated boy
Sitting on the shelf
He is just a toy
But I turn him on and he comes to life
Automatic joy
That is why I want a
Coin operated boy
Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long lasting
Who could ever ever ask for more?
Love without complications galore
Many shapes and weights to choose from
I will never leave my bedroom
I will never cry at night again
Wrap my arms around him and pretend
Coin operated boy
All the other real ones that I've destroyed
Cannot hold a candle to my new boy and I'll
Never let him go
and I'll never be alone
and I'll never let him-"
Deidara noticed Tobi in the door way and froze.
"Sempai, what're you doing?" he asked.
"N-nothing!" he answered hastily.
"Yes you were," he corrected him.
"No I wasn't!"
"But you-"
"Liar! That was you lip-syncing to coin operated boy! Not me!"
"But-"
"Tobi! How dare you lie to me! Tobi is a bad boy!"
"No! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi insisted.
"No! Tobi is a bad boy!" Deidara accused him.
"But-"
"You want to be a liar?" he questioned.
"No!"
"Good! Now go tell Leader what you did," Deidara ordered.
"But you-" he was cut off.
"Oh, Leader!" he bluffed by yelling out the door.
"NO! I'll never do it again! I promise!" he begged.
"Good, Now go," He pointed out the door. Tobi nodded and ran hastily out the door to tell Leader that he had been lip-syncing to coin operated boy while dancing around Deidara's room.
"And now," Gaara said, "To send the most emotional and complex message I have ever sent my siblings in order to bring them here!"
Later that same day at Suna...
"Holy fuck, BIRD!" Kankuro jumped as a bird smacked up against the kitchen window. After the moment of shock wore off, he stood up and opened the window. The bird was unconscious. Or more likely, dead. But either way, it was on the window ledge and not moving. There was a message tied to it's foot. He undid the string and unrolled the small note.
"I R Pregnant. You! Konoha! NOW!
~ The Amazingtastic Genius that is Gaara of the Desert (who is awesome and not the least bit narcissistic) "
Kankuro stared at the note for a moment, re-reading it over and over and making sure that he had gotten it right. After about ten minutes of silence, he exclaimed;
"Holy what the fuck?!" He stared at the note, disturbed. "Hey, Sand-witch? We need to go to Konoha... Like... now"
"What did you just call me?" Temari walked into the kitchen, looking pissed.
"Sand-witch," Kankuro answered casually.
"What the hell? I'm not a fricken sandwidge!" she yelled.
"I know that," he said. "I called you a sand-witch. As in, you live in the sand village and are a witch. Therefore you are a sand-witch."
This statement earned him a punch in the face. Well... multiple punches in the face among other places. Once she'd let out her anger she asked perfectly calmly, "Now what is it the you wanted to tell me?"
Kankuro struggled to get up off the floor. His face was now covered with bruises. He handed her the note.
Temari read the note. She read it again. And again. And again. And again. And again. 5 minutes of silence passed.
"Holy what the fuck?!"
Back in Konoha in Kiba's hospital room...
Shino's face was very close to Kiba's, worry in his eyes as he Kiba lay in his bed looking completely pathetic.
"Come closer...." Kiba whispered. Shino did as told.
"Closer..." he whispered again. Shino somehow was able to get closer without their faces touching.
"I need..." Kiba said as though he was dying.
"What do you need?" Shino said feeling the seriousness of his unfinished sentence. There was a long dramatic pause.
"A fly swatter..." He said slowly, his eyes closing.
"TRAITOR!" Shino yelled as he jumped off the bed and pointed an accusing finger at the dog-boy. He ran for the door and with his hand on the handle yelled "I don't even know you anymore, man!" and slammed the door.
For some reason, Kankuro and Temari were able to make it to Konoha in like... 5 minutes. They must've teleported. They walked past Ino who was sitting in a corner rocking back and forth, her eyes wide. The two stopped and looked at her.
"The hell is wrong with you?" Temari asked her.
She continued rocking back and forth but managed to answer. "Sasuke. Stuck in a well. Gay. Can't date him. Need someone to fangirl over. Gonna die..."
"Then.... find a new guy to spaz over," Temari suggested.
"I c-can't. Like... Everyone's like.. totally like gay! Or ugly... Or boring... Or fat... Or- " She started hyperventilating.
"Calm down! Just go to a different universe. That's how I met Cloud," she told her as she had a random flashback that was somewhat disturbing. And no I won't show you what it was!
"Can't. Too lazy." She looked up at Kankuro for a second.
"You!" she pointed at him.
"Um... Yes?" He questioned, worried.
"Are you straight?!" She asked frantically.
He thought for a moment. "If I say no, will you go away?"
Ino sat up and pulled him toward her face by his collar. "Look, dumb-ass! Answer the question truthfully, or I will murder you and then gouge out your eyes and eat them and then cut open your stomach and dig your insides out with a spoon and put them in a blender and force feed them to your sister through a funnel!"
Being that Kankuro was too stupid to realize that she had no way of knowing if he told the truth or not he answered, "Yea... I'm straight..."
Ino squealed. "EEE! Awesome! Your so hot, uh..."
"Kankuro."
"Right." She glomped him. "Kankuro-kun, your sooooo sexy!!!"
Sakura who had heard the entire conversation immediately jumped in by glomping Kankuro. "Back off Ino-pig! I saw him first!"
"No you did not, billboard-brow!" Ino yelled.
"Yes I did! I saw him the first time he came here!" Sakura yelled. They continued to yell like this.
"Well good luck, Kanky..." Temari said sadistically as she walked away from her younger brother.
Back with the Akatsuki...
Pein was stapling posters about... evil... stuff. He was about half way through them. Suddenly, he stapled one to the wall and it well.. screeched and turned into Kohnan.
"Oh fuck..." Pein cursed under his breath as he was bitch-slapped by the blue-haired girl.
Near by on the couch, Itachi sat reading the newspaper. In his pajamas. And bunny slippers. At two in the afternoon. "God damn it!" someone yelled. "There's another severed arm in the yard!" Kisame stormed in holding the bloody thing.
"ZETSU! Get in here!" he yelled.
A few moments later the giant man-plant walked in.
"Go long!" Kisame ran backward and then through the arm across the room. Zetsu's eyes went all big and shiny and he ran across the room on all fours following it with his eyes. He caught it in his mouth like a dog and ate it.
Outside on the street, Hidan and Kakuzu were walking. Kakuzu randomly spotted something green on the ground and picked it up. He gasped. Then he smiled, started dancing and sang
"I got a dollar! I got a dollar! I got a dollar, Hey hey hey hey!"
Hidan slapped his own face. "For fucks sake, you just dropped that. AGAIN! We've been going in a a fucking circle for the past hour and you always drop that dollar right there and then we come back and you pick it up again! Could you fucking stop?! God!"
Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "I don't know what your talking about,"
A while later...
"I got a dollar, I got a dollar, I got a dollar, hey hey hey hey!"
"Okay, so what's the point of me wearing these again, Chouji?" Shikamaru asked about the fake reindeer antlers he was wearing.
"I told you I'm trying to practice my aim!" Chouji answered him. He was wearing a paint-ball vest and goggles with a paint-ball gun. "Now run, bitch, run!" He yelled as he started shooting paint-balls at his friend.
"Oh shit!" Shikamaru yelled. He immediately started running, on all fours, away from the deranged Chouji.
"You can't get away from me, Deer-freak!" he yelled
A medic stood in front of the two boys at the hospital, pacing back and forth.
"So what you are telling me is," she paused, pondering their words in her brain of awesomeness. "You think your pregnant?" she looked at them disbelievingly.
"Yep"
"That's right"
"Okay...." she sighed. "Well, since you seem to be so set on this that you refuse to accept ANY other possibility even if it makes more sense, I'm going to have you take a pregnancy test,"
She look a long, flat stick wrapped in paper from a jar on a shelf. She unwrapped it and handed it to Gaara.
"Go into the bathroom. The test requires a urine sample," she gestured toward the bathroom.
Gaara just stared at her, blinking every once in a while.
"Go take it," she said again.
There was more silence.
"But what if I do it wrong?" he asked.
"It's pretty hard to do wrong. All you have to do is pee,"
Gaara gave another long, blank stare.
The medic-nin gave a long exasperated sigh.
"Go into the bathroom and piss on the stick!" She practically yelled.
"Okay, fine! I'm going!" He got off the hospital bed and walked angrily toward the bathroom, muttering to himself the whole time.
Shino stormed out of the hospital room, angry with Kiba for his sick words. Suddenly, his anger was interrupted when a man near him suddenly screamed and collapsed clutching his chest. Medics rushed to him immediately, but soon announced that he was dead.
He then heard a soft chuckle that escalated into full-blown maniacal laughter. He turned to see Hinata standing there with an evil grin on her face, laughing hysterically. Then she stopped abruptly and turned and ran.
Shino thought nothing of it.
"Okay... So... you are pregnant..." The nurse blinked. "Yea... um... I'm not going to ask what was going on in the narrator's mind when she thought of this but uh... You can go now I guess..."
"I heard somewhere that you have to explain really awkward crap to me now," Gaara said.
"Excuse me, but are you the nurse here?" she said.
"If I say yes, can I wear a cool hat? Oh! Or how about one of those really sexy dresses!"
"GET OUT!" She pointed toward the door angrily.
"Okay okay god!" The two walked out of the room and down the hallway.
About half way down the hallway, Gaara randomly started untying Neji's headband.
"What the hell are you doing?" Neji asked, somewhat annoyed.
"I wanna wear iiiiiit!!!" He whined.
"But your not even from the leaf village!" He looked at him like he was a freak.
"But I wanna wear iiit!!!!" He shook him back and forth.
"Okay, fine! Jeez..." Neji untied his head band and put it messily around Gaara's head. This apparently made him very happy. The only problem was, the symbol on Neji's forehead was now visible.
Just then, Tenten stormed out of a hospital room dragging Lee behind her yelling at him angrily. "You shouldn't just do stupid things like that! Getting your fist stuck in your mouth has to be one of the most-" She hadn't been looking where she was going and slammed into the wall in front of her. She fell backwards and landed on her back with her eyes shut.
"Tenten!" Lee gasped. He sat down and looked directly over her face. Since Neji and Gaara were there they walked over and did the same.
Her eyes started to open, feeling dazed and confused. To her the room was spinning.
"Tenten, are you alright?" Neji asked her when he saw he eyes were open.
"Uhg... What just..." She put her hand on her head. Then, when everything was in focus, she saw some of the strangest things in the world. For one, the room had turned purple and pink and orange and the walls were all swirly. Second, she noticed the three faces above her. She saw Lee, but he had a horn sticking out of the center of his forehead and his hands had turned into hooves. Second, she noticed Gaara was wearing Neji's headband and had raccoon ears. Third, she noticed Neji and the symbol on his forehead. In addition to this, he had a Charlie Chaplain mustache and was wearing a Nazi uniform.
"DEAR GOD IT'S A NAZI!!!!" She screamed. Then, she pulled a summoning scroll out of her pocket, bit her thumb and made a long line of blood on it. However, instead of weapons, a roll of duct tape appeared. She quickly began rapping it around Neji's head.
"Wait I'm not-" he was cut off when she covered his mouth with the shiny silver tape.
Tenten then stood up and ran like a spaz with her arms in the air all the way down the hallway.
Neji started walking around drunkenly trying to get the tape off his face and his hair. His beautiful, beautiful hair. The other two just stared after Tenten until she was out of sight
"What is her problem?" Gaara asked. Lee just shrugged.
Gaara and Neji were by the well now. Yea... I have them in this story too often, I know! Shut up! I like them and they're fun to torture! They were talking to Sasuke and Naruto who, still, refused to come out of the well for god knows what reason. That was, until Sasuke asked one of the most random and awkward questions.
"Hey, Gaara! Wanna have a threesome?" He called up.
"Umm... I'm kinda dating Neji," He pointed to him.
"Oh well! He can come too! We'll have a foursome!" Naruto yelled up to them.
"But he's pregnant," Neji pointed to Gaara.
"Oh well! You can still do it when your pregnant," Sasuke yelled.
Neji and Gaara just looked at each other for a moment.
One foursome later....
"So... How's life?" Naruto attempted to make conversation. Everyone muttered their reply.
"Okay..." He paused. "Uh... If you could be either a vampire or werewolf, what would it be?"
"Vampire," Neji answered.
"Yea... I think I'd be a vampire," Gaara agreed.
"I'd definitely be a vampire," Sasuke said.
"UHG! Why does everyone ALWAYS pick vampire? I would be a werewolf," Naruto said defiantly.
"'Cause werewolves have flees," Neji answered simply.
"Yea, but vampires have no heart!" Naruto defended.
"True, true. Yea, maybe I'd be a werewolf..." Gaara thought. "But then again, vampires are prettier,"
"Tch. Vampires are infinitely better than werewolves," Sasuke said. "Vampires sparkle,"
"That's only in Twilight!" Gaara pointed out.
"Oh well! And when you think about it, what kind of vampire sparkles?" Naruto said.
"The gay kind!" They all laughed for a while until they realized something.
"Wait that's not funny to us," Sasuke pointed out.
"Yea. That's kind of... insulting..." Naruto said.
"Wouldn't that mean if we were vampires, we'd sparkle in the sunlight?" Gaara asked.
"Well I sparkle in the sunlight," Neji said proudly.
"Wait, wouldn't that mean your a vampire?" Gaara asked him. "SHIT! That means I'm gonna die!"
"Why?" Sasuke asked.
"Cause in breaking dawn-"
NO! YOU ARE NOT GIVING SPOILERS GAARA! Do you know how many flames I'm probably going to get just from the little bit you said?! And the worst part is, I'm really quite opposed to Twilight and would appreciate it if you stopped talking about it.
"But-" I cut Neji off.
Stay outa this, Screw-boy!
"Heh heh... Screw..." Gaara said.
UHG! You know what, Gaara? You've been in this story too much! Leave!
"Well it's not my fault your a fangirl," He crossed his arms.
SHUT UP! Okay, You know what else? I'm done with this story. It's too long now anyway.
"But-" Sasuke attempted to protest.
No! I'm done!
"But you can't just stop in the middle of a story!" Naruto yelled.
"Yea you can't just-" Gaara was cut off when everything suddenly turned pitch black.
"She left, didn't she?" He said.
"Yep..."