"I can't love anyone now. I can't-I don't-love you. There's nothing between you and me."
My blood turned cold. I almost refused to believe him. But the darkness kept creeping back into my head, making me think and feel things I didn't want too.
My heart hurt. It ached deep in my chest and I didn't know how to make it stop. It needed to stop.
I took a step back, like his words pushed me. I didn't know what I came in here expecting him to say but this.. this was no where near close to what I thought. Dimitri caught my expression too because I could see his eyes soften. But it meant nothing. He would never change his mind and I was left and thrown away.
I took another step back and realised I wasn't wanted here any more. Turning around sharply, I walked as quickly as I could to get away from that place.
Everything I did felt pointless now. I had a vision of him running into my arms and telling me how much he loved me. More like running into Lissas and hating me. Damn it!
When did everything get so fucked up? It almost felt like yesterday that Dimitri and I were in the cabin.. I choked on a sob as I relived that memory. Putting a hand over my mouth, I ran in the direction of the dorms. Honestly, I had no idea where I was running, but the burn in my legs was making me feel better.
Though I knew the darkness was making me react this way, the heartache and the pain was all me. Being rejected by the one you love... it hurts more then you can ever imagine. The darkness made everything ten times worse.
I headed to Lissas room but when I arrived, I heard Christian and Lissa laughing inside. I could hear music playing through the door and even though my heart was hurting, I didn't want to ruin their happiness.
Listening to the music, I felt the sobs come more frequently.
"So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit
Right to the top
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check.
I don't ever wanna let you down
I don't ever wanna leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night"
I sat next to the door and hugged my knees to my chest. I hated this. I hated all of it.
Sometime passed by and I realised Lissa and Christian were not coming out of her room. I slowly got on my feet and mindlessly walked back to my room.
I opened my room and looked around. Everything was in the same place as it was this morning. The bed wasn't made and the curtains were still closed. It felt normal. But it wasn't. Nothing was normal anymore.
Closing the door, I slowly sank down onto my bed and stared at the wall. I wasn't sure how long I stayed there for. Long enough for the sun to rise.
The aching in the chest never left but I slowly got used to it. It made me feel numb. I could hear girls giggling as they past my door and I felt jealous. Why couldn't my life be simple? Maybe all I was good for was killing Strigoi and making crazy, stupid plans in my head. But I definitely achieved the impossible. I broke Victor Dashkov out of prison. I brought Dimitri back to life.
I'd achieved some great things in my life. Incredible things but they all meant nothing to me now. I did all that for him. And he didn't even want me!
I felt my nails dig into my hand. Looking down, I saw blood trickling out of the cuts. Physical pain got rid of the emotion pain. Didn't Lissa say something like that?
Unclenching my hand, I stared at the cuts for a moment and I felt a need to hurt myself again. This urge pulled me towards the bathroom. Razors. That's what I needed.
I pulled a razor out from my draw and started pulling it apart. I only wanted the blades.
Once I had one in my hand, I pulled my sleeve up. This was it. Lissa did it to help control her emotions and it all made sense now. I could understand why she did it. She was hurting and needed a release... much like I needed.
Looking at the soft, unbroken skin on my wrist, I put the blade on it. It was sharp and I knew that with just a slightest pressure it would slice the skin. I made sure not to cut a vain, but I didn't go lightly on the cuts. There were large, deep cuts running from one side of the wrist to the other. I knew I'd need stitches. They were the kind of cuts that didn't bleed because the fat tissue was in the way.
The pain distracted me from the ache in my chest and I couldn't be more grateful.
They were going to leave some nasty scars, but with the life I'd been given, scars were part of the job. I was going to get more then this.
I didn't bother wrapping my wrist up. The air made it sting and it made me realise all this was real. I was real. The darkness was causing me to see strange things. Maybe I was actually turning crazy.
Damn, I didn't think I'd go this way. I hadn't even protected Lissa properly yet. We hadn't even graduated. But the darkness was making me insane.
Just like Anna.
I felt like screaming. I needed out. For once, Rose Hathaway needed to think about herself and her own sanity. I could go back to Russia and kill more Strigoi. Because damn they needed killing. I was good at it too but I guess I owed that to my tutor.
I bit my lip and looked back down at my wrist. Tears rolled down my face once again and I slowly slide down onto the floor.
In that moment, I knew. I needed to do something with my life that didn't involve this Academy. I was going to go back to Russia, maybe even Europe and kill Strigoi.
Making my way into my bedroom, I opened my wardrobe and pulled out a duffel bag and placed it on my bed. I clenched the handed and gave the bag a little throw. I turned on my computer and put on some loud music. Something that might cover my sobs because I knew this was going to be hard to do, even though I'd done it before.
I was going to come back, I knew I was, but for now, it hurt.
Pulling clothes of the racks, I shoved them into the bag, not caring about them being folded. I let out a small scream of frustration when they didn't all fit in. The tears falling down my face in waterfalls now, dripping all over the clothes and on myself.
I let out a louder scream and chucked the bag across the room. Damn it! Why did everything happen to me!? I never wanted any of this to happen.
My wrists were now bleeding as I had caught it on the bag but I didn't care.
All this frustration, anger and hurting was being let out by all this screaming and throwing. The music didn't manage to cover the screams, but that didn't stop me.
I was surprised no one came knocking on my door.
Once I had calmed down, I grabbed my bag and left my room. Some people gave me weird stares as I passed them, but I didn't stay too long for them to notice my red eyes and wrist.
I managed to get outside with no interruptions. I did not need confrontation right now. I was scared of what I would do to someone who tried.
"Rose." I heard someone say from behind me. Jesus, I was cursed.
"Stay away." I said with an uneasy voice. The person didn't come any closer, but they looked at me with sorrow filled eyes.
"Don't leave Rose. Don't let him ruin your life."
"You don't understand," I sobbed, "I'm insane. I'm crazy and I can't be here any more. I need to protect everyone from myself. He only made me realise that."
"No, Rose. That's the darkness. You're perfect, just the way you are. I wish someone could have made you realise that. I wish I could have. But I guess you can't choose who you fall in love with." He said, his voice filled with pain and despair.
"I.. I'm sorry." Was all I said before running towards the forest.
This was it. I was finally free from that place. I didn't know when I'd be back but I knew that this was good.
For everyone.
Hey! I hope you liked it. I just needed to get this onto paper (or screen aha) before I forgot it! (: Please review if you enjoyed it!