Pain songfict.
"Pain" by Three Days Grace
Stephanie Meyers owns all Twilight characters.
Summary: Jacob recaps his time with Bella during New Moon, and Eclipse.
Jacob POV
Pain. I watch it etch itself across her face and I want to tear it off and shred it in my hands and burn it, like killing a vampire. Because they are what has this pain to cross her face. He has put the pain there. And I will always hate him for that.
The pain is there because she feels like she's lost her love. Edward. His name brings bile into my mouth and my hair stands on its end. I wish I could make him feel the pain that I see on her face.
But this pain is why she's here…with me. And it's rough, because I know that she'll never love me the way I love her, but then again, I've always liked things rough, and when it comes to her, I'd rather have all the pain, her's and mine, then to not get her at all.
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
I watch her as she unconsciencely wraps her arms around herself…holding herself together again. I wish she'd let me hold her together like that. I bet she'd forget…him…them…if she'd just let me in. I'm almost sick of watching her do this to herself. Her pain is mine too now. She feels the numbness sweep over her pain, but it's still there lingering in the shadows, waiting to jump at her at an unsuspected momnet…like now. I can almost feel it. The numbness, washing the pain away. It's written so clearly on her face. I'll make it better. I have to.
"Bella?" My voice makes her head snap up at me and she smiles tentively at me. Her smile is warm, but I can see theres a familiar coldness down deep within her. Her voice is soft as she answers, "Yes, Jacob?"
I can't help but to smile at her. Whenever I smile, she smiles too…and she looks like she feels a bit better.
"Do you think Charlie would mind if you got home, just a bit later? There's something I want to show you before you leave tonight." I held my breath, waiting for her answer. I didn't have to wait long.
"Um…sure, Jake. I can stay a little longer. Charlie was bringin pizza home anyway." She smiles again, and this time it reaches her eyes. I smile and start walking toward the door of my make-shift garage. "Great! C'mon then! You might miss it if we wait too long. It's only seen here at night sometimes." I held out my hand to her, hoping, praying she'd take it.
You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you'll understand
She eyed my hand and she looked up at my face. I hope I didn't look too pleading. She stood and carefully unwrapped her arms from across her waist and cautiously took my hand. Everything inside of me yelled with sadisfaction, and I couldn't help bu to beam at her.
I helped her to the door so she wouln't fall, and led her outside. I led the way to the forest behind my house. When she looked up rom her feet and realized where we were going, I felt her stiffen, and slow down. I looked back and the pain was back on her face. I kicked myself internally for not realizing that even this small of a thing would hurt her, but when I looked in her eyes, and she looked back in mine, I knew she trusted me, so I lead her on.
I stopped just inside and looked for the clearing; I quickly located it and walked to the clear, still holding her hand. I stopped in the center, and turned so I was tanding behind her now. I gazed up, and my wish came true. No clouds, just a clear beautiful night, and stars galore.
"Look, Bella. Look at all the stars." She lifted her head and gazed up for a few minutes. I was feeling very pleased with myself, so I let myself wrap my arms around her waist and pull her next to me. Bad move. Again.
Bella stiffend and wrenched herself away from me. Oh crap. She was turned away as she wrapped her arms around herself again. She whispered so softly, that only sensitve ears could hear.
"I'm not ready for anything like that Jacob. I still love him; I just can't forget that right now. I'm sorry."
She turned and left the forest. I was still standing there. I stood there as I heard her crank up her truck and I stood there as I heard her drive slowly away. I felt such anger. Anger, no, hate for him, anger at myself for being so stupid, anger at everything. I just couldn't understand, why did she always shut me out like this! My eyes glazed over with red, and I trmbled with my rage. I breathed in deep and slow, calming myself. Just calm down. It's okay, because without all this pain, she wouldn't need you. Pain, again. Without pain, I guess I wouldn't feel anything at all.
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
I walk sulkly back to my house. I slam the door behind me, as my dad glances up at me. He doesn't say anything. He already knows I'm upset over Bella….again.
I slump down on my bed and lay back across it. The only emotions I can feel right now are anger and agony. Anger because…well I won't say it again…and agony because no matter what I do Bella still manages to shut herself away from me. Oh, well at least its not misery. Anger and agony are MUCH better than that one. An idea hatches in my brain. I'll just go to Bella's house tonight. I'll explain things. She'll understand then. I get up and head for the door. Dad againd doesn't say anything, assuming I'm going on my nightly shift. Sometimes it's good to have your father on the council of elders.
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you'll understand
"Bella?" I call her quietly through the window. She opens it and looks at me, smiling a little.
"Jake? What are you doing?"
"I need to talk to you."
I hear her shift as she thinks about letting me in.
"Jake…now…isn't really a good time. I really need some sleep, ok? How about tomorrow? I'll come down first thing after breakfast.
I'm stunned into place. She told me no. No, that's not fair! She always let that bloodsucking leech in her room! Why can't I come? Wait...the leech. I strain my eyes, and see the redness arounf her eyes. She'd probably been crying over him again. Stupid freakish leech. This was his entire fault. The pain and anger creep up and settle in me again. I can feel myself start to trmeble.
I look back up to Bella. "Alright Bella. Tomorrow.
I turn around and quickly run to the woods, where I shread my clothes as I jump, changing into something else so the pain can't reach me.
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain
Bella did come the next morning, just as she'd said, and I was ready for her. We went for a walk on the beach, where I started.
"Bella…look, I need to be honest with you. I know you've been hurt, and I respect that, but I don't want you to shut me out because of it. He's gone, ok? Edward is gone." She cringed and I knew she was breaking inside at the mention of his name, but I wasn't done yet.
"Bella, I'm here, and I want to take care of you. So please just let me. Just open yourself to me. Let me get you through this and then maybe we can be together. I'm here for you…always like I promised. Just…please, Bella."
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later
Bella stod there. She didn't say anything for a long time and we continued to wander aimlessly down the beach, but it was there the tension that coate dthe air around us. Bella finally stopped and looked up at me. She said each word with care. "Jacob, you're my best friend and you have done so much to help me already, but I do love him still. I do still hurt from him. I need time Jacob. And I do know that you will be there for me. But please Jake. I need time to heal, and I can only be your friend."
She turned and walked back, leaving me…again. She left La Push…again, and again I felt that familiar pain biulding inside me once again.
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Time passed and I left Bella alone about the subject. Edward came back and she was happy again. She just took him back…like he'd done no wrong. If on;y he'd known what he hadp done to her those long months. I didn't really feel anger, I just felt pain. The pain that I only knew of with Bella. The old familiar pain, that had come to be my friend, and in some cases, my ally.
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Moretime passed and I thought I had finally gotten through to her. She had even admitted that she loved me too. And that kiss. Well, both of them, really. They were amazing. But end the end I knew she would only ever need and love Edward more than me, so with a smile and a grimace, I let her go. Pain…so close, if it had a human form it'd be my twin. I couldn't seem to escape it. So I ran. Chose to live in a form where there is no pain. Just instincts. But it still seemed to find me. Pain. I hated letting her go, but I knew its what she wanted…and what did I end up with? Yep. Pain.
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain