Private Log Entry
I'm still not sure if it really happened or not. It felt so real but it couldn't be. I came to my quarters after being turned down by Jadzia, again. Slumping into a chair, I tried to think of what I did wrong. I wasn't thinking clearly and ended up hating myself. How any woman I ever showed the slightest interest in always turned me away. I thought I would never find anyone to be with. I was so disconsolate, I went to bed not bothering to change clothes. I was about to fall asleep when she came in. She sat on my bed, leaned over and kissed me. My eyes shot open and I gazed at her. She seamed to be glowing. I could see her clearly despite the darkness. She was magnificent. She had long flowing red hair, the kind you'd just die to run your hands through. Her eyes were a delicious hazel, boring into my soul. She wore a flowing shirt and pants showing her curves in all the right places. When she spoke, it took my breath away. Her voice was beautiful and sultry. All she said was, "Hello, Julia
n."
It took me a while to get myself together, but I was finally able to speak. "Who are you?" I blurted out confused.
She smiled a smile that would have made me do anything for her. "I'm what you've been waiting for," she said in a seductive voice.
"Wh-what do you mean?" was all I could stammer out.
She turned more serious, her voice barely above a whisper but it still kept it's sultriness. "I love you. I know you've always wanted someone to love and to love you. Well, I do. I'm here for you, Julian."
I studied her for a moment. Then, remembering what Jadzia had done earlier, I shook my head.
"You can't love me."
She smiled lovingly at me and put her hand on the side of my face. It was surprisingly cool. "It's because of what Jadzia did, isn't it? She doesn't understand you the way I do." I was about to protest, but she put a finger over my lips to quit me. The coolness of her finger made me shiver. Something unspoken went between us. I could feel love and warmth from her. But there was something more. A word. She thought it to me. Kindred. I had no idea what to make of it. She ran her hand through my hair and kissed me on my forehead. Her lips were just as cool as the rest of her. And then I fell asleep. When I woke up, there was no sign of her. I checked all the security logs but found nothing. I even checked myself to see if I was hallucinating or perhaps drugged. Neither. I decided not to tell anybody. They wouldn't believe me, hell I didn't even believe me. I went through the day pretending nothing happened, though, I do think Jadzia suspected something.
By the end of my shift, I actually found myself hoping to see her again that night. She made me feel away I can't possibly begin to describe. I went right to my quarters and tried to occupy myself. It was almost impossible to keep my mind off of her, but I found some interesting literature in the computer and decided to read it. When I looked at the chronometer, it read 0100. I couldn't believe I had stayed up that late. I was so tired, I didn't bother changing my clothes, again. I laid down on the couch and as soon as I did, I heard her.
"Julian."
I opened my eyes to see her standing at my feet. I sat up to look at her better. "Who are you?" I asked urgently. She smiled that heart aching smile and held out her hand. She wiggled her fingers trying to coax me to take her hand. I just stared at it. It was so elegant and graceful. I looked back at her face. The heart aching smile was no longer there. Her eyes were pleading with me. Please, she mouthed. I grabbed her cool hand and she pulled me with surprising strength to my feet. She smiled, her eyes glittering. Still holding my hand, she started walking. I stopped seeing she was headed for my bedroom. She turned and looked at me, still smiling.
"What are you doing?" She rested her hands on my chest and leaned in so her mouth was right next to my ear. "I wanna wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all," she whispered to me.
"What do you mean?" I had an idea of what she wanted, but I had to be sure.
She looked into my eyes and my knees buckled slightly at her gaze. She smiled seductively, her face mere inches from mine. "I know you completely, Julian. Melt into me." She kissed me. But this kiss was nothing compared to the ones before. I could feel so much passion from her. So much longing and yearning. She stood back and pulled me into the bedroom. Kissing me, her hands slid up to my neck and started to unclasp my uniform.
I gently grabbed her wrists and pulled away from the kiss. Trying to catch my breath, I breathed in deeply. "We can't do this," I said closing my eyes.
"Why not?" She sounded so disappointed.
"I don't know where you're from, I don't know how old you are, I don't even know your name." I looked into her eyes and, surprisingly, she was smiling.
"I thought you might not be so willing. I know you to well." She sighed heavily and turned around with her back facing me. "Julian, I want to-I want to tell you so much about me, but," she turned and faced me sweet, smiling eyes, "but you wouldn't understand." I wanted to comfort her but wasn't sure how. "Don't worry, Julian. I'll be all right." I looked at her in surprise. She laughed her light, musical laugh. "Julian, you're so cute." She turned more serious. "If you ever need me, think of me and say my name and I'll be right by your side." She winked and with a flash, she was gone.
I sighed, tired and confused. I quickly remembered that she hadn't told me her name. "Wait, you never told me your name," I said loudly to the ceiling. I heard her infectious laugh.
"It's Lena." It must've been real, or else I have an even better imagination than I thought. She left no evidence of how she got here or anything else. I hope she comes back.
********************************
That last log entry was about a week ago. A lot has happened since then. When I think about it, it's, kind of funny. Well, depends on your perspective. I was walking down the corridor when I saw Jadzia walking ahead of me. Putting on my most charming face, I caught up with her.
"Hello, Jadzia."
She turned to me and smiled. "Hi, Julian."
"Are you busy? I was thinking maybe we could have dinner or whatever."
She frowned slightly, then smiled politely at me. "I'm sorry, Julian. I'm really tired and I was going to go to bed."
I smiled, slightly hurt. "Oh, all right. I'll see you around." I turned and walked to my quarters. Once there I got dressed for bed, climbed in and tried to forget all about Jadzia. My thoughts drifted towards Lena. I remember the way she looked, the way she kissed me, how she was so cool to the touch. Without even realizing it, her name escaped my lips. And there she was.
She sat down on the foot of my bed facing me. "Julian."
I looked at her dazed. "Huh?"
She laughed. "You said my name."
I sat up slightly, confusion on my face. "I did?"
She laughed again. "You should try to control that mouth of yours. It really could do damage. So, why did you call for me?"
I sighed. "I didn't mean to call you," I tried to explain.
She frowned. "Julian, I know you better. You wouldn't have called me unless you really needed me. What's the problem?"
I avoided her eyes. "It was Jadzia."
She smiled. "Oh, I figured." She moved to lay down beside me. "I really think you should forget about her. She only brings you pain."
"I know, but I keep thinking that maybe one time she'll give in." She moved closer and laid her head on my chest. She was so cold. I laid my arm on her back and, for some reason, she felt a little warmer when I did.
"Julian, you need to move on. She doesn't want you. I don't know why she wouldn't. Just stay here, stay in this moment for a while." I laid there with her in my arms and I fell asleep. I think she did too because I didn't feel her move. I don't know how long I had been sleeping or why I didn't here Jadzia ringing the door chime. I did hear her gasp. I opened my eyes to see her standing in the doorway with a look of utter shock on her face.
I sat up and stared at her in confusion. "Jadzia, what are you doing here?"
"Benjamin, sent me."
I was even more confused. "Why?"
Not taking her eyes of Lena, she began her explanation. "Ops has been getting the readings of a Q coming form your quarters for the last hour. Benjamin sent me down here to see what the source is." I glanced at Lena. She was sleeping peacefully.
I shook her a little. "Lena, wake up," I said gently.
Her eyes fluttered open, she smiled brightly at me. She sat and saw Jadzia, immediately her smile fell. "What is she doing here?" she asked without a once of politeness.
"Lena, are you a Q?"
She looked at me sadly. She put her hand on my face. "Yes, I am a Q"
Jadzia spoke up from the doorway. "Julain, come on, we should leave."
I turned to look at her, but she was gone. I turned back to Lena as she smiled. "She's in her quarters, I thought we needed some privacy." I just looked at her stunned. "I am a Q, Julian, but I'm only half Q. My mother was human. But that doesn't change the fact that I love you."
"If you are a Q, you could just make me love you."
She looked hurt. "It wouldn't be real. Forcing such a beautiful creature as yourself to do anything you don't want to do is unimaginable."
I tore my gaze away from her. "How could a Q love a mortal? The Q we met has only used humans for his own amusement."
She gently grabbed my chin and made me face her. "Not all Qs are like him. Especially one who is half human. I feel more at peace with humans than I do with my brothers and sisters in the continuum. I can see inside your heart, I love everything I see in you. I would gladly give you the universe if it meant you would be with me."
I gazed into her eyes and saw all the love she held for me. "How can you love me?" She ran her thumb delicately over my lips. She moved in slowly, kissed me, and I saw how she saw me. She saw me as the most beautiful person. Handsome, brave, caring, funny, loving, gifted, well spoken, intelligent, she even knew about my genetic enhancements. In her eyes, I was the most magnificent thing to ever exist. She pulled away from the kiss and her vision of me was gone.
"Julian, I've seen many universes where we exist, you and I. In almost all of those universes, we're together. In one universe, you're human and I am a Nariun, a race at war with humans, but we're still together. In another universe, you are Q and I am human, you found me and gave me the powers of a Q so I could be with you. In another, savage universe, I died and you took me from a different universe so we would be together. In even another universe, I was born fifteen years after you died and both our lives were miserable." She stood swiftly and extended a hand to me. "Please come with. Even if this was the only universe where we existed, I love you and I want to be with you no matter what. Come with me so we can live together."
I moved to stand in front of her. "Lena," I said tenderly. I knew from her eyes that what I said would determine everything. I held her heart and our future in my hands. "Lena, I can't go with you." Tears slipped from her eyes like rainfall, but she made no sound. "I have to stay here on the station." She finally let her sobs out as she fell to her knees. I knelt down and wrapped my arms around her. "I'm so sorry, Lena."
"Is it because of Jadzia?" she whispered. I was shocked but I could see how she would make that conclusion.
"No, it's not because of Jadzia. I've made a life on this station. All my friends are here, this is my home. It might be hard to understand-" she cut me off.
"I understand, Julian," she said quietly. I held her as she continued crying. I wanted to comfort her more, tell her how much it actually did affect me that I couldn't go with her but she spoke before I could. "You don't have to say anything."
I tilted her chin so she'd look at me. "Yes, I do. There's a part of me that wants to go with you, be with you. But, I can't leave this station, not now." I gently kissed her and she leaned into it, not wanting it to ever end. But it had to. She reluctantly pulled away and stood. I followed. She still had tears in her eyes.
"Good-bye, Julian," she said sadly, shoulders slumped, defeated.
"Good-bye, Lena." And then she was gone. I sighed saddened by what had just happened. My combage chirped bringing me out of my thoughts.
"Sisko to Bashir."
"Bashir here."
"It's about time, Doctor. We've been trying to get hold of you since Dax contacted us from her quarters where she can't seem to get out. Would you mind telling me what happened?"
I sighed deeply. "It's a long story, sir."
I was offered the chance to become a god and spend eternity with a woman who loved me, and I turned it down. Despite how tempting her offer was, this is my home, and it will always be my home.
I'm still not sure if it really happened or not. It felt so real but it couldn't be. I came to my quarters after being turned down by Jadzia, again. Slumping into a chair, I tried to think of what I did wrong. I wasn't thinking clearly and ended up hating myself. How any woman I ever showed the slightest interest in always turned me away. I thought I would never find anyone to be with. I was so disconsolate, I went to bed not bothering to change clothes. I was about to fall asleep when she came in. She sat on my bed, leaned over and kissed me. My eyes shot open and I gazed at her. She seamed to be glowing. I could see her clearly despite the darkness. She was magnificent. She had long flowing red hair, the kind you'd just die to run your hands through. Her eyes were a delicious hazel, boring into my soul. She wore a flowing shirt and pants showing her curves in all the right places. When she spoke, it took my breath away. Her voice was beautiful and sultry. All she said was, "Hello, Julia
n."
It took me a while to get myself together, but I was finally able to speak. "Who are you?" I blurted out confused.
She smiled a smile that would have made me do anything for her. "I'm what you've been waiting for," she said in a seductive voice.
"Wh-what do you mean?" was all I could stammer out.
She turned more serious, her voice barely above a whisper but it still kept it's sultriness. "I love you. I know you've always wanted someone to love and to love you. Well, I do. I'm here for you, Julian."
I studied her for a moment. Then, remembering what Jadzia had done earlier, I shook my head.
"You can't love me."
She smiled lovingly at me and put her hand on the side of my face. It was surprisingly cool. "It's because of what Jadzia did, isn't it? She doesn't understand you the way I do." I was about to protest, but she put a finger over my lips to quit me. The coolness of her finger made me shiver. Something unspoken went between us. I could feel love and warmth from her. But there was something more. A word. She thought it to me. Kindred. I had no idea what to make of it. She ran her hand through my hair and kissed me on my forehead. Her lips were just as cool as the rest of her. And then I fell asleep. When I woke up, there was no sign of her. I checked all the security logs but found nothing. I even checked myself to see if I was hallucinating or perhaps drugged. Neither. I decided not to tell anybody. They wouldn't believe me, hell I didn't even believe me. I went through the day pretending nothing happened, though, I do think Jadzia suspected something.
By the end of my shift, I actually found myself hoping to see her again that night. She made me feel away I can't possibly begin to describe. I went right to my quarters and tried to occupy myself. It was almost impossible to keep my mind off of her, but I found some interesting literature in the computer and decided to read it. When I looked at the chronometer, it read 0100. I couldn't believe I had stayed up that late. I was so tired, I didn't bother changing my clothes, again. I laid down on the couch and as soon as I did, I heard her.
"Julian."
I opened my eyes to see her standing at my feet. I sat up to look at her better. "Who are you?" I asked urgently. She smiled that heart aching smile and held out her hand. She wiggled her fingers trying to coax me to take her hand. I just stared at it. It was so elegant and graceful. I looked back at her face. The heart aching smile was no longer there. Her eyes were pleading with me. Please, she mouthed. I grabbed her cool hand and she pulled me with surprising strength to my feet. She smiled, her eyes glittering. Still holding my hand, she started walking. I stopped seeing she was headed for my bedroom. She turned and looked at me, still smiling.
"What are you doing?" She rested her hands on my chest and leaned in so her mouth was right next to my ear. "I wanna wake up where you are, I won't say anything at all," she whispered to me.
"What do you mean?" I had an idea of what she wanted, but I had to be sure.
She looked into my eyes and my knees buckled slightly at her gaze. She smiled seductively, her face mere inches from mine. "I know you completely, Julian. Melt into me." She kissed me. But this kiss was nothing compared to the ones before. I could feel so much passion from her. So much longing and yearning. She stood back and pulled me into the bedroom. Kissing me, her hands slid up to my neck and started to unclasp my uniform.
I gently grabbed her wrists and pulled away from the kiss. Trying to catch my breath, I breathed in deeply. "We can't do this," I said closing my eyes.
"Why not?" She sounded so disappointed.
"I don't know where you're from, I don't know how old you are, I don't even know your name." I looked into her eyes and, surprisingly, she was smiling.
"I thought you might not be so willing. I know you to well." She sighed heavily and turned around with her back facing me. "Julian, I want to-I want to tell you so much about me, but," she turned and faced me sweet, smiling eyes, "but you wouldn't understand." I wanted to comfort her but wasn't sure how. "Don't worry, Julian. I'll be all right." I looked at her in surprise. She laughed her light, musical laugh. "Julian, you're so cute." She turned more serious. "If you ever need me, think of me and say my name and I'll be right by your side." She winked and with a flash, she was gone.
I sighed, tired and confused. I quickly remembered that she hadn't told me her name. "Wait, you never told me your name," I said loudly to the ceiling. I heard her infectious laugh.
"It's Lena." It must've been real, or else I have an even better imagination than I thought. She left no evidence of how she got here or anything else. I hope she comes back.
********************************
That last log entry was about a week ago. A lot has happened since then. When I think about it, it's, kind of funny. Well, depends on your perspective. I was walking down the corridor when I saw Jadzia walking ahead of me. Putting on my most charming face, I caught up with her.
"Hello, Jadzia."
She turned to me and smiled. "Hi, Julian."
"Are you busy? I was thinking maybe we could have dinner or whatever."
She frowned slightly, then smiled politely at me. "I'm sorry, Julian. I'm really tired and I was going to go to bed."
I smiled, slightly hurt. "Oh, all right. I'll see you around." I turned and walked to my quarters. Once there I got dressed for bed, climbed in and tried to forget all about Jadzia. My thoughts drifted towards Lena. I remember the way she looked, the way she kissed me, how she was so cool to the touch. Without even realizing it, her name escaped my lips. And there she was.
She sat down on the foot of my bed facing me. "Julian."
I looked at her dazed. "Huh?"
She laughed. "You said my name."
I sat up slightly, confusion on my face. "I did?"
She laughed again. "You should try to control that mouth of yours. It really could do damage. So, why did you call for me?"
I sighed. "I didn't mean to call you," I tried to explain.
She frowned. "Julian, I know you better. You wouldn't have called me unless you really needed me. What's the problem?"
I avoided her eyes. "It was Jadzia."
She smiled. "Oh, I figured." She moved to lay down beside me. "I really think you should forget about her. She only brings you pain."
"I know, but I keep thinking that maybe one time she'll give in." She moved closer and laid her head on my chest. She was so cold. I laid my arm on her back and, for some reason, she felt a little warmer when I did.
"Julian, you need to move on. She doesn't want you. I don't know why she wouldn't. Just stay here, stay in this moment for a while." I laid there with her in my arms and I fell asleep. I think she did too because I didn't feel her move. I don't know how long I had been sleeping or why I didn't here Jadzia ringing the door chime. I did hear her gasp. I opened my eyes to see her standing in the doorway with a look of utter shock on her face.
I sat up and stared at her in confusion. "Jadzia, what are you doing here?"
"Benjamin, sent me."
I was even more confused. "Why?"
Not taking her eyes of Lena, she began her explanation. "Ops has been getting the readings of a Q coming form your quarters for the last hour. Benjamin sent me down here to see what the source is." I glanced at Lena. She was sleeping peacefully.
I shook her a little. "Lena, wake up," I said gently.
Her eyes fluttered open, she smiled brightly at me. She sat and saw Jadzia, immediately her smile fell. "What is she doing here?" she asked without a once of politeness.
"Lena, are you a Q?"
She looked at me sadly. She put her hand on my face. "Yes, I am a Q"
Jadzia spoke up from the doorway. "Julain, come on, we should leave."
I turned to look at her, but she was gone. I turned back to Lena as she smiled. "She's in her quarters, I thought we needed some privacy." I just looked at her stunned. "I am a Q, Julian, but I'm only half Q. My mother was human. But that doesn't change the fact that I love you."
"If you are a Q, you could just make me love you."
She looked hurt. "It wouldn't be real. Forcing such a beautiful creature as yourself to do anything you don't want to do is unimaginable."
I tore my gaze away from her. "How could a Q love a mortal? The Q we met has only used humans for his own amusement."
She gently grabbed my chin and made me face her. "Not all Qs are like him. Especially one who is half human. I feel more at peace with humans than I do with my brothers and sisters in the continuum. I can see inside your heart, I love everything I see in you. I would gladly give you the universe if it meant you would be with me."
I gazed into her eyes and saw all the love she held for me. "How can you love me?" She ran her thumb delicately over my lips. She moved in slowly, kissed me, and I saw how she saw me. She saw me as the most beautiful person. Handsome, brave, caring, funny, loving, gifted, well spoken, intelligent, she even knew about my genetic enhancements. In her eyes, I was the most magnificent thing to ever exist. She pulled away from the kiss and her vision of me was gone.
"Julian, I've seen many universes where we exist, you and I. In almost all of those universes, we're together. In one universe, you're human and I am a Nariun, a race at war with humans, but we're still together. In another universe, you are Q and I am human, you found me and gave me the powers of a Q so I could be with you. In another, savage universe, I died and you took me from a different universe so we would be together. In even another universe, I was born fifteen years after you died and both our lives were miserable." She stood swiftly and extended a hand to me. "Please come with. Even if this was the only universe where we existed, I love you and I want to be with you no matter what. Come with me so we can live together."
I moved to stand in front of her. "Lena," I said tenderly. I knew from her eyes that what I said would determine everything. I held her heart and our future in my hands. "Lena, I can't go with you." Tears slipped from her eyes like rainfall, but she made no sound. "I have to stay here on the station." She finally let her sobs out as she fell to her knees. I knelt down and wrapped my arms around her. "I'm so sorry, Lena."
"Is it because of Jadzia?" she whispered. I was shocked but I could see how she would make that conclusion.
"No, it's not because of Jadzia. I've made a life on this station. All my friends are here, this is my home. It might be hard to understand-" she cut me off.
"I understand, Julian," she said quietly. I held her as she continued crying. I wanted to comfort her more, tell her how much it actually did affect me that I couldn't go with her but she spoke before I could. "You don't have to say anything."
I tilted her chin so she'd look at me. "Yes, I do. There's a part of me that wants to go with you, be with you. But, I can't leave this station, not now." I gently kissed her and she leaned into it, not wanting it to ever end. But it had to. She reluctantly pulled away and stood. I followed. She still had tears in her eyes.
"Good-bye, Julian," she said sadly, shoulders slumped, defeated.
"Good-bye, Lena." And then she was gone. I sighed saddened by what had just happened. My combage chirped bringing me out of my thoughts.
"Sisko to Bashir."
"Bashir here."
"It's about time, Doctor. We've been trying to get hold of you since Dax contacted us from her quarters where she can't seem to get out. Would you mind telling me what happened?"
I sighed deeply. "It's a long story, sir."
I was offered the chance to become a god and spend eternity with a woman who loved me, and I turned it down. Despite how tempting her offer was, this is my home, and it will always be my home.