It was just another boring day at Hogwarts when everyone gathered in the Great Hall for supper, or so most of the students and teachers thought. Once eating was well under way Ronald Weasley stood up and cleared his throat catching everyone's attention.
"All women have penis envy!" he shouted and the room went silent.
Ron sat back down, face red as a tomato. Harry Potter bit his fist to keep his laughter in, Hermione Granger giggled, Ginny Weasley and Neville Longbottom openly burst out laughing, and over at the Ravenclaw table Luna Lovegood raised her glass in a toast.
The next day everyone was once again sitting in the great hall for supper, most girls giving Ron death glares. Ron ignored them and instead was looking at Hermione smugly, as was the rest of their group. The group minus Hermione could be seen conversing and looking around the hall. Once again, it was only when eating was well underway that the group did something. Harry pointed at the Slytherin table, instantly attracting attention. Hermione got up and walked determinedly to the Slytherin table with a furious blush. She strode up to Blaise Zabini and, putting one hand on the edge of the table to steady herself, lent in and kissed him full on the mouth.
Once again the hall was silent – other than the groups wolf whistles and comments.
The next day, once again at dinner time the group sat in their normal places looking smug – except for Neville. They waited as normal and everyone turned when a very embarrassed Neville walked up to the head table, said a quiet sorry to the Headmaster, and proceeded to paint his face with food. Neville walked away from the table leaving everyone gawking and the headmaster's face covered in food. This time, the hall wasn't silent, it was roaring with laughter.
The next day confused everyone. They were all waiting for the group to come in wanting to know who would be doing something today only to have the group, minus Harry, walk in, grab some food, and head out again. The students looked at each other before quickly following. The teachers, with the excuse of wanting to make sure no one got hurt, followed after. One particularly brave student went up to the group and asked what was going on Hermione answered back, "Harry's going to bungee jump from the astrology tower."
The muggle born students gasped and quickened their pace. The others looked confused as they all exited the castle and looked up at the astrology tower. Harry could be seen spelling a thin platform going away from the tower - so that when he jumps he won't end up hitting it. He walked to the end of it and attached something before standing up. Everyone could see he was wearing a harness but still only the muggleborns and the group knew what was going to happen. Harry turned his back to all those below, spread his arms out to the side, and fell backwards.
The muggle borns squealed while the others screamed, gaped, swore, or a variety of other things.
The following supper, the students and staff didn't have to wait to find out what the six had planned for them, they found out as soon as they walked into the great hall. Ginny was working determinedly on the wall behind the staff table, holding a stack of parchment in one hand and putting them up with the other. At the top of her self designated work area, the bold words 'Wanted: Escaped From Azkaban' could easily be seen. The teachers were a little mixed on this newest interruption, on one hand, it would be good for the students to know who to look out for and avoid in this time of war, on the other, they thought their students too young to face the hardships of reality. It was only when the students who had ventured over to the wall started giggling that the staff went over to deal with the youngest Weasley's project.
It was Professor Flitwick who first noticed the deviation from the ministry's board, as a little above the Lestrange posters, was a smiling, sparkly wizard wanted for fraud and poncey-ness. Gilderoy Lockhart was certainly not on the wanted board last he knew. Soon after, the other teachers who were looking at the wall and not berating young Miss Weasley, also started noticing posters with pictures of not only themselves but their fellow teachers wanted for various reasons.
Ginny, seeing the teacher's reactions, smiled. She turned back to the lecturing Professor McGonagall and handed the older women the remaining posters she was holding. "If you'll excuse me professors, I need to go get ready for class." And with her excuse given, quickly left the great hall before McGonagall or Snape noticed their posters.
The next night everyone kept their eyes on the Gryffindors, waiting to see what they would do next. And so, it came as a surprise when it was a Ravenclaw that walked over to the head table. Luna Lovegood hummed a little tune as she climbed onto the head table and sat in front of the headmaster. "Hello sir." She gave the old man a dreamy smile before tugging on his impressive beard. "So it is real. I'm glad. I guess this year I'll give my Christmas wish list to you in person. Or would you prefer I just tell you what I want now? I imagine as Santa you have an impressive memory, so either works for me."
It was a surprise to the Gryffindor and Slytherin sixth years that it wasn't at dinner that day that the group made a spectacle; it was in potions class. On the board was the instructions for a blemish remover cream and Snape had just swept in and gave them a customary 'screw up and die' glare, when Hermione's hand went into the air. While not unusual, Hermione furious blush caught the attention of some of the class.
"What asinine question do you have Miss Granger?"
"Is today's project suitable for use as a sexual lubricant?"
With the rumour mill as it was in Hogwarts, by supper the entire castle knew what had happened that morning. And so it came as no surprise to any when Snape stalked to the Gryffindor table and stood glowering behind Harry Potter.
"I know you had something to do with this morning Potter, and while I have no proof, I will make sure you rue your birth."
At the pointed looks of his friends, Harry slowly turned to face the ferocious potion master. "I'm sure you will Professor, but before you do that, have a breath mint. Tasty and appreciated by any that you loom over."
The residents of Hogwarts were actually starting to look forward to supper, even the ghosts began attending. Though so far the group hadn't arrived and the only entertainment was Parvati and Lavender caterwauling about their missing cosmetics.
It was Harry and Ron who entered the great hall first. Due to the pitying looks they sent back to the doors as they went to sit, the school's population deemed them not important to the show and waited for the other four. Luna, Hermione, and Ginny were the next to enter. They however looked smug and stopped to wait for the last member.
It was only after Hermione's eyes narrowed and Ginny pulled out her wand that Neville finally stepped into the great hall and it was revealed why he was so reluctant. His eyes were lined with kohl, bronze eye shadow above said eyes, his lips were painted a tantalizing red, and he either had a nice pink blush colouring his cheeks or he was just plain blushing. All in all, he actually looked a little pretty.
During the next supper, it actually took until about halfway through that anyone even noticed what the group had done next. It was actually Dean Thomas who noticed what was up when he had to reach under the table for a fallen fork.
"Ron, why are wearing a dress?"
Ron stopped eating with a sigh. "It's a toga."
"Okay… Why are you wearing it?"
"Yoda asked me too."
Seamus leant around Dean.
"Who's Yoda?"
Ron looked at his roommate with an incredibly serious expression. "Yoda was one of the most renowned and powerful Jedi Masters in galactic history."
"That sounds awesome," Seamus ignored Dean as he choked on laughter. "What's a Jedi Master do?"
"No clue," Ron shrugged. "Ask Hermione."
The next night, all but the Ravenclaws were at supper. The school wondered at this, as the only Ravenclaw in the room, Luna Lovegood, was sitting with the Gryffindors. Right as supper was starting, the Ravenclaws rushed into the room and up to the head table, all complaining about Luna throwing their books out the window and how said books are now missing.
Dumbledore linked his fingers together and looked over his half-moon spectacles at the young girl. "Miss Lovegood, why did you throw your housemates books out windows?"
Luna gave him her normal dreamy smile. "They wanted freedom."
"And where are they now?" Dumbledore questioned after a moment of no other forthcoming information.
Luna merely looked up with her smile and everyone's eyes followed hers to see a large number of books flying around like birds.
The group of six were the last to enter the great hall for supper, it seemed the rest of the school unanimously decided to go to dinner early to ensure they were there for whatever was planned next. The group decided to give it to them early even if the plan was originally timed for the middle of supper.
When they got to their spot at the Gryffindor table (along with Luna), Ginny climbed onto the table and stood as tall as her small stature would allow her to. She pulled a rubber duck out of her school bag and glared around the room. "This, my fellow people, is a rubber duck." She squeezed it causing it to squeak. "It is an evil weapon of doom. You have all been warned."
"No it's not," a confused forth year piped up in the following silence.
"Yes it is!" Ginny threw the rubber duck at poor boy hitting him in the head causing him to screech in fright and pulled another out of her bag. "Anyone else want to disagree?"
The next night it was Hermione on the table demanding everyone's attention. She thankfully wasn't holding a rubber duck. "Thank you. Now that I have all your full attention, I would like to officially declare today Hug A Slytherin Day. Everyone, hug a Slytherin."
No one moved until a widely grinning Harry walked over to the horrified green table and wrapped his arms around the petite Theodore Nott, even adding a little bit of nuzzling into the frozen boys neck. Hermione hopped down from the table and joined Harry by pulling Blaise Zabini into a hug – hey, she already kissed the guy, it's not like a hug's any worse.
None of the group had potions the next day, and they didn't show to breakfast or lunch, the first moment Snape had to corner the group came at supper. This time he seemed torn between glowering behind Harry or Hermione, before deciding on Hermione. He scowled down at the witch waiting for her to turn around. However, it was Luna – who seemed to always be with the Gryffindors now – that turned to him.
"Professor, the nargles would like to know whether you are constipated or if you were just born with that expression on your face."
The next night, no one showed up to supper. They were all instead on the quidditch pitch watching what had to be the most epic fail of a game ever. Ron was up in the air trying to direct his players. Unfortunately, his players happened to be kidnapped pets and weren't following his orders very well. Ron personally thought Mrs. Norris looked like she was especially having fun; she was fluffing her hair in happiness and yelling in pure delight as her broom floated around with her on it. Filch seemed to think she was terrified and was running around the pitch telling his cat he would catch her. Ron just scoffed; everyone loved quidditch.
The next night, the students were disappointed when nothing happened. The only mildly interesting thing was a new meat dish on the tables. It was the next morning during breakfast, when the morning post failed to arrive, that the school turned to the group of crazies. They kept eating – except Neville, who looked back at them confused. "What? How else did you think the house elves would be able to make so much tandoori owl?"
Hogwarts was pleased to note that owl post had merely been delayed and arrived at lunch.
Apparently the group had decided they hadn't done enough things in the middle of supper, so that night it caused many to jump as Ginny burst out of her chair and pointed an accusing finger at Seamus Finnegan. "He's after me lucky charms!" She screeched, shaking with repressed laughter (which looked like anger to the observers). She suddenly whirled around and grabbed the arms of the nearest Hufflepuff. "Be careful! He'll be after yours next." She let go and looked at the other tables. "He'll be after all of yours! No one is safe!"
It was only breakfast the next day when the school once again had their attention on the group. While the boys, Ginny, and Luna seemed to be ready for the day, Hermione was still in a bathrobe, had a bright blue facemask on, and a pink sleep mask resting onto top of her head. She seemed wholly unconcerned with the looks and was primly eating her breakfast.
As the group already did something at breakfast, the school didn't think there would be anything at supper, and so the students trickled in, and the teachers took their time cleaning up classrooms. The teachers would regret that. They came in to see Harry standing on the Gryffindor table, taking money and handing out pictures. When Harry saw the teachers coming over to investigate, he shoved the money into his pocket and threw the remaining photos in the air. Distraction successful, Harry took off running. No way was he sticking around for when the teachers saw the doctored photos of themselves, some in compromising positions. Especially Snape once he saw the picture that looked like him sleeping with a pink teddy bear sucking his thumb. He was already afraid.
Harry was right to be afraid, though after a night of panicked rants and hysterical crying he had his Gryffindor courage back. Snape, with terrifying rage, stormed over to the Gryffindor table as soon as they sat for breakfast. "What," the professor hissed out, "is this?" He slammed the picture from yesterday down onto the table.
"Well," Harry took a leisurely drink of pumpkin juice, "You always take yourself too seriously so I thought I'd help loosen you up a little. It's hard to take someone seriously when they're cuddling something cute."
The breakfast confrontation clearly was merely a prelude as the real plan for the morning circulated the school after the Gryffindor Divination class. Turns out Ron had somehow procured a muggle Magic Eight Ball and had brought it to class. Sybill Trelawney was now swearing by the thing in-between harassing Ron on where she can get more and praising his inner eye; as he clearly had an amazing inner eye to spot such an amazing item and know its potential.
By now the school realized that if the group did something in the morning, they would still be doing something later that night at supper. And that night seemed to be Neville's turn. The slightly green boy made his way over to the Slytherin table and thrust an envelope into Draco Malfoy's face. "Malfoy, please tell your father that I'm not into older guys, or even guys at all, and I would appreciate it if he would stop sending me propositions. Also, inform him I will never call him "Luscious Mouthful," as that is just plain gross." He then left the Slytherins to go get comfort from his fellow lions and raven.
The next night found the Hufflepuffs as the targets and Luna, who now had an honoree position at the Gryffindor table, was poking any said target within her reach with a spoon, watching their reactions very intently.
"Miss Lovegood," Luna looked up at the stern Gryffindor Head. "Why are you prodding people with a spoon?"
"I'm not just poking people Professor, I'm poking Hufflepuffs."
McGonagall's lips thinned. "Be that as it may, why are doing so?"
"I'm seeing if the bees will start swarming."
"…What bees Miss Lovegood?"
"Those ones," Luna pointed her spoon at the Hufflepuffs. "Look at all that black and yellow, they're covered in them."
"Hey Dean," Dean looked up from his supper, scared for what was about to happen to him. "If I pose nude for you, do you think you'd be able to replicate the Titanic scene?"
Dean dropped his fork as McGonagall, who stood at first sign of something happening, swept down on them. "Miss Weasley! There will be no nude posing happening in this school."
"None at all?" Harry chimed in.
"None." If McGonagall could breathe fire, she probably would have.
"Sorry Colin," Harry shouted down the table.
The next night the school was surprised to see Neville had brought his toad with him. Confused and curious as to what the shy boy would do with it, only to see him push it in Ron's direction. "I don't want a prince though." The red head complained.
"Then lick it," Harry told him.
"What?"
Hermione nodded. "Licking toads is known to be very psychedelic and is much safer than drugs."
Ron pulled a face but picked up the toad and brought it close to his face. Shuddering, he stuck his tongue out and licked the toad.
"I'm not sure who is more traumatized," Harry murmured, "Ron or Trevor."
It was Argus Filch who interrupted supper next. He came storming in, holding his cat in his arms. "Look!" the caretaker screeched at Dumbledore when he was in front of the staff table; "Look at what they have done to my precious!" He held his cat out so it could be seen by all that the previously long haired cat had been shaved bald.
Dumbledore stood, clearing his throat to hide his smile. "Would anyone like to own up to this?"
Hermione stood, banging her palms down on the table. "She needed it! Her fur was dry and matted. It's what every concerned cat lover here wanted to do!" Every student looked to the ceiling or wall. Yup, concerned cat lovers everywhere.
The occupants of Hogwarts were shocked to find that the group were in the Great Hall first, and even more shocked to find them sitting at a round table placed in the space beside the staff table.
"Think you're so special Potter?" Snape spat at Harry.
"No sir," Harry gave him an innocently shocked look. "I'm just sitting with my house. My house founder demanded it."
"Harry," Dumbledore frowned at his favored pupil, "Godric Gryffindor can't demand anything from you, he has been dead for a long time."
Harry turned his look onto the Headmaster. "But Godric Gryffindor isn't my house founder."
The teachers looked confused. "Harry, as a Gryffindor, Godric Gryffindor is your house founder."
"Oh, but I'm not a Gryffindor, sir. I'm a Lovegood."
Dumbledore seemed to be at a loss for words so he turned to the Lovegood hoping she would shed some light on the situation.
"I wasn't happy with us being in different houses, so I decided to make my own. I haven't yet figured out how to add our hourglass yet, but I'll get it eventually. Our colours of white and purple will go wonderfully with the rest. If you wish to apply for a membership, I'm accepting applications."
Their next attempt was during Transfiguration the next afternoon. Unfortunately for all involved, it flopped. The group had arrived early, while Professor McGonagall arrived late. She briskly walked to her desk in order to start the lesson only to notice a plant on her desk. She took out her wand and cast an identifying spell on it. With an uncharacteristic roll of her eyes she faced her class. "You are not the first to try catnip. While my animagus form may be that of a feline, I am human and do not have a cats instincts. You'll have better luck using it to bribe Mrs. Norris."
But they still had their plan for supper, so the day was not ruined. As the group were sending the high table looks in-between bites, the rest of the students followed their lead and looked there too. The first unusual thing was a group of dwarves dressed reminiscently like Lockhart's singing valentine dwarves entering the room. The second unusual thing was that they all went to Snape. The dwarves took turns singing out love letters to the horrified man, each ending with various valedictions – 'Remus Lupin', 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' and 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch' being a few. The now furious man grabbed all the letters from the dwarves and sent them away. He looked down at the letters, prepared to utterly destroy them, when he recognized the writing. With a roaring, "Longbottom!" he stalked to the Gryffindor table.
The next night the Hogwarts population wondered if the group would do anything. Snape had been downright rabid in anger the night before. But no one ever said Gryffindors' had survival instincts. It was mid-way through the meal – the group no longer had time outside of designated eating blocks with all the detentions they had, so they had to eat while they could – that Ginny pulled out her wand. Before any teacher could get to her, she shot a spell at the peas. The vegetables lifted in the air and hovered for a moment, before taking off and pelting any student they could. The fiery girl quickly shot the spell at the tomatoes, plums, oranges, and as many food items she could before taking cover under the table.
"Why dear sister," Fred smiled at her.
"We do believe that is the spell for bludgers," George also smiled at her.
"Isn't it?" They asked together.
"Yes," she raised a brow at them. "And you're being piss poor beaters hiding under a table from them."
The twins shared a look before leaving the hiding place with a war cry.
The next night solidified the thought that the group was suicidal in the minds of Hogwarts population. Ron shoved as much food as he could into his mouth within the first five minutes of supper – many wondered how he hadn't choked. They stopped caring the next moment as Ron stood and shook some pieces of parchment above his head.
"I have finished my research! Unfortunately, Professor Snape is not secretly a bat or a vampire. However, his real name is not Snape! It's Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles! He's a princess!"
And Snape snaps and kills them all. The end.