Duckburg Chicken Emergency
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife
ATTENTION EVERYBODY: Uncle Scrooge #392 has TWO Ducktales stories in it!
Whoops! I've now read it, and of course,the translation trashes Launchpad mercilessly. Sigh.
One's a reprint of a Russian Ducktales story I have in Russian (which means I can't read it)
I was GOING to buy it until I saw just how NASTY Disney was to my Launchpad. Now I'm NOT going to buy it. So there. You don't give me what I want, i don't give you want you want.
I'll wait until US #394, which has another Ducktales with Launchpad in it, even if they also use Launchpad's popularity to TRY to sell Gizmoduck. Gizmoduck is a LOT more like Inspector Gadget than Iron Man. Which would be OK if that's the way they treated him.
The next two probably won't have Launchpad in them, which is probably a good thing. Then I can just ignore them.
I'm starting to wonder about Disney's sanity, since the classic definition of being insane is to do the same thing and expect different results.
The other's a reprint of "The Littlest Gizmoduck", which they've reprinted TWICE already and STILL can't take the hint that nobody believes Webby could be a hero. Now, if it was Gosalyn in there...nah, she's still too ding-dang YOUNG.
At least the Russian Ducktales website has several "new" Ducktales stories, including one with Launchpad.
Утиные Истории, 199 5 № 2 DuckTales, 199 5 № 2
1. Из жизни пионеров пустыни
1. From the Life of the pioneers of the desert
With thanks, apologies and please don't sue me to Daniel Pinkwater, author of "The Hoboken Chicken Emergency".
You wrote 3 books about a 6 foot tall chicken named Henrietta. I write Ducktales stories with endnotes, like I'm still writing term papers at Queens College.
Since the only "Disney" comics I read as a kid were Supergoof comics, I HAD to throw Supergoof into one of my Ducktales stories, sooner or later. I'm surprised it took me so long.
In a corner of Duckburg lives Goofy Greathound (1) One day Goofy bought a hen so he could have fresh eggs for chickenfeed. Goofy named his hen "Jill". (2)Goofy had built a coop for her and he gave Jill water and grain.
But the coop wasn't built properly (big surprise) and Jill escaped into Goofy's back yard and started eating the super goobers that grow there. The ones that change Goofy into Supergoof. (3)
Jill, naturally, ate a lot of peanuts. Since she's a chicken and not a dog, they affected her differently than they affect Goofy. They made her grow bigger and bigger, as well as strong and invulnerable. 60 feet tall, to be precise.
Then Jill decided to take a walk and just stepped over the fence around Goofy's property. Even in Duckburg, a 60 foot tall chicken wandering around caused PANIC. Everybody GOT OUT OF HER WAY. Jill ate (anything she wanted to), drank (water) and walked around.
Goofy soon found out about this. (He's not THAT dumb.)And he changed into Supergoof and TRIED to stop Jill before she could hurt anybody.
But Jill was a LOT bigger than Supergoof. And stronger. And just as invulnerable. And SuperGoof didn't want to hurt her. Jill was just a dumb animal, it wasn't her fault she was too big.
So Supergoof tried to pick Jill up and fly her someplace where she couldn't hurt anybody. But...how do I put this delicately? Jill tried to poop on him. And this is a 60 foot tall chicken we're talking about here. Not pretty.
So Supergoof built a coop around Jill...and Jill just knocked it down with a feather. Then Supergoof just got people out of Jill's way.
Mr. McDuck soon found out about all this. And realized the damage Jill could do to Duckburg, his businesses in Duckburg, the Money Bin...and posted a reward for the capture (preferably alive and unhurt) of Jill.
"You do understand why I want to help capture this giant chicken?" Launchpad asked me.
"You respect and admire Mr. McDuck a great deal. You would do just about anything to EARN his respect and admiration. You like helping people and saving people's lives. You're also an incurable show-off. I love you and I'm so proud of you I could spit." I replied.
Launchpad kissed me good-bye and I packed our kids into a plane and flew them to their Aunt Julia's, where they'd be safe. Chickens can't fly, so we didn't have to worry about Jill. To keep them calm, I sang (4) them a lullaby a heard in a movie once:
"Ride your hat in the wind, little one. Lift your head to the sky. Ride your hat in the wind, little one and someday like the eagle, you shall fly! Ride your hat in the wind."
Then I double-backed to help Launchpad.
Launchpad and the Flying McQuacks where planning to try and herd Jill out of Duckburg to the woods beyond Duckburg. They were going to take turns chasing her in their planes. I was to chase her last. I choose to go last so I'd have time to get our kids to safety and still help. I proudly realized this, temporarily, made ME a Flying McQuack.
But Jill was scared and angry. She knew something weird had happened to her. Since she didn't understand it, she lashed out at whoever was in her way. Like us.
Jill flapped her wings and hopped and jumped and tried to fly. She lashed out with her beak. Her wings hit our planes, her beck almost snapped on our planes, once she almost fell on Launchpad's plane. That's when we decided it was time for a strategic withdrawal.
"Trying to scare her isn't getting us anyplace." Ripcord said.
"The trouble is none of us know anything about chickens." Birdie said.
"Then why don't we ASK somebody who does know?" I suggested.
"Who knows a lot about chickens?" Loopy asked.
"The museum isn't far from here, as the plane flies. They have all kinds of experts there. Why don't we ask there?" Launchpad suggested.
So we got back into our planes and flew to the museum.
Once we arrived at the museum, we ran into Dr. Herbert Tologist.
"Dr. Herbert Tologist!' Launchpad said.
"Can I help you?" Dr. Tologist asked.
"Actually, we need the help of an expert on BIRDS, not reptiles, Dr. Tologist." I replied.
"Then perhaps my wife can assist you. May I present my wife, Prof. Honor Tologist, an expert on birds at this museum." Dr. Tologist replied.
The Ducktales Ducks tried NOT to smile as Prof. Honor Tologist spoke, for she spoke with a thick cockney accent, which was somehow funny for such an obliviously intelligent woman.
"'Ow may I 'elp you?" Prof. Honor Tologist asked. "Sure as my name is 'Onor, I'll 'elp all I can."(5)
So they explained that they needed to know how to stop Jill. Prof. Honor Tologist had, of course, heard about the 60 foot chicken terrorizing Duckburg.
Now that I have used the dumb name pun, I will use the "h's" Honor drops.
"I spoke to the owner of Jill on the phone. He assures me Jill has not been near any roosters. So the best thing to do is build her a nest, with food and water next to it, since we don't have to worry about the eggs hatching. I believe whatever caused Jill to grow so freakishly big will wear off soon. Build her a nest, and she will sit still, not bothering anybody. If we are lucky, she will lay eggs, which should insure her staying put until the growth effect wears off and she gets back to normal size." Prof. Honor Tologist said.
"How are we supposed to build a nest BIG enough for a 60 ft chicken? Out of what?" Launchpad asked.
"I know a corn farmer who tried to get in the Guinness book of world records by saving a huge pile of corn husks and corn silk, only to find out they had no such category and thought it was just a huge pile of junk. Now he's stuck with it. It'll make a good nest and I bet if we take it off his hands, he'll give us a lot of leftover corn." Loopy said.
"We could fly the corn silk and husks to the great lawn surrounding Duckburg Pond. Jill could drink from the pond." Birdie said.
"But we still have the problem of actually building a nest big enough." Ripcord said.
"Supergoof has been trying to stop Jill. Perhaps if you get his attention, HE can build the nest?" Prof Honor Tologist suggested.
Meanwhile, Mr. McDuck has been busy. The Beagles tried to lure Jill to his Money Bin by flying chicken feed on top of it. (6) Mr. McDuck used various weapons to fire warning shots at their planes. The Beagles called his bluff and kept on flying the chickenfeed to the roof of the Money Bin. Mr. McDuck didn't want to hurt or kill the Beagles.
So Mr. McDuck made a call to the President of the Duckburg Pigeon Fanciers, an organization of "people "who keep homing pigeons as pets and had asked him for a donation.
"You want a donation? Let your pigeons loose and point them towards my Money Bin. There, they can have all the free pigeon food they can eat!" Mr. McDuck said.
So the DPF released their pigeons in the direction of the Money Bin. And those pigeons started eating the grain. Pigeons can't hurt the Bin. (Although Mr. McDee will have a mess to clean up.)
By the time Jill came to eat the chickenfeed, there were thousands of pigeons on the roof of the Money Bin. These pigeons were NOT into sharing and they objected to Jill having any of THEIR food. Jill was 60 feet tall, but there were thousands of pigeons on the roof. They took full advantage of the fact that chickens can't fly. They flew around Jill, pecking her mercilessly until she gave up and left.
Dr. Sara Bellum tried to collect the reward for the capture of Jill by using a giant robot rooster to lure Jill into a trap. (7)But the robot rooster scared Jill. He didn't smell like a rooster. He was made of metal and therefore, to JILL, didn't look like a rooster. Jill ran away from the scary metal thing.
Then, the giant robot rooster wandered into the trap intended for Jill and got caught in it. Dr. Bellum had been so disappointed that Jill didn't follow the rooster; Dr. Bellum hadn't been paying attention to what the rooster was doing. She hastened to untangle it and turn it off, lest it get out of control. Duckburg didn't need TWO giant chickens causing havoc.
Meanwhile, the Flying McQuacks, including Launchpad and me, were putting on an impromptu air show trying to attract Supergoof's attention. We skywrote the initials SG, we "drew" full-size pictures of Jill, and he STILL didn't catch on to why we were doing it.
Supergoof did come to scream at us for causing a disturbance while Duckburg had enough trouble.
"I have my hands full with that giant chicken! I don't need crazy pilots showing off causing rubber necking and upsetting more people!" Supergoof said.
I think Supergoof was frustrated about not being able to stop Jill and was taking out his frustrations out on us.
"We were just trying to get your attention because we think we know how to stop Jill!" Launchpad said.
"We've been talking to an ornithologist- an expert on birds. She says if we build Jill a nest, Jill will stay put not hurting anybody. We've got all the materials and an empty space to build the nest on. But we need your help. Who else can build a nest BIG enough for a 60 foot chicken?" I explained.
"Oh." said Supergoof.
He felt remarkably small and sheepish for a remarkably large dog.
"Can you help us build the nest?" Ripcord asked.
Supergoof naturally agreed. We showed him the site we had picked. We delivered the corn husks and corn silk there. Supergoof not only built a nest, he also built a box for the corn right next to the nest. I think he was embarrassed for yelling at us for nothing and wanted to make up for it.
But even after he built the nest, we still had a problem...
"How do we get Jill to the nest? How do we get her to sit on it?" I asked.
"No problem. I AM a dog, after all. And I'M not above acting like my ancient ancestors if it helps..."Supergoof said.
And he flew until he found Jill, which did not take long. A 60 foot tall chicken is somehow hard to miss.
Then, he got down on all fours like his prehistoric ancestors and chased Jill, barking...well, like a dog.
Jill ran away from him. Never mind that she was a 60 foot tall chicken; she was still chicken where dogs were concerned. Supergoof chased her, trying to herd her towards the nest. Jill ran higgidy-piggidy, any which way, trying to get AWAY from him. By the time Jill reached the nest, she was tired, thirsty and hungry. Just as Supergoof planned.
Only then did Jill notice that Supergoof was gone. No place in sight. She saw the nest, with food and Duckburg pond to drink from. Jill drank, ate and sat in the nest. And promptly fell asleep. She had a long day. Next morning, she laid a few eggs...and then shrunk back to her normal size.
We gave the supersized eggs to Supergoof as a reward.
The End.
(1) If Goofy has a last name, I don't know it. So I gave him one. I've noticed Disney has this thing about the initials GG, sort of like Superman's thing with the initials LL.
(2) Named after author/illustrator Jill Pinkwater, Daniel Pinkwater's wife, better you than me.
(3) A goober is a peanut. Actually, that's a better name for them, since a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. And if you don't remember Supergoof, you are a deprived child. Although SuperGrover comes CLOSE.
I decided I was being uptight to think of changing where Supergoof gets his powers from. If it didn't bother me when I was a kid, why should it bother kids today?
(4)I am using the term loosely. I sing like Edith Bunker. Oh, if ANYBODY can tell me the NAME of the movie that song comes from, I shall be grateful.
(5) I wrote this story to be able to use that joke.
(6) Thanks to DTfan for that idea.
(7) I stole that idea from "The Hoboken Chicken Emergency".