"Everybody Hates Shining Armor"
Rated K+
Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with My Little Pony or the rest of the characters. My Little Pony and its characters are owned by Hasbro and the creator of the series, Lauren Faust. Anyway, here's a nice little My Little Pony parody based on the show "Everybody Hates Chris", which is one of my favorites. Except that this is gonna be taken place in Equestria and it's set in the 80's. Anyway, enjoy. BTW, this takes place in Shining Armor's POV and he narrates the whole story.
P.S.: I decided to change the ponies ages a bit. So it may be a little OOC and what-not, but what do I care? This is gonna be fun!
Chapter 1: The Beginning, Part I
-Shining Armor's POV-
2002.
That was the year I turned 14.
Before I became a captain of Princess Celestia's Canterlot Royal Guard, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being your average teenage stallion...
I was gonna have the attractive female ponies all to myself, pack myself with a lot of money and stay out late, partying until I puked. I thought it was gonna be everything I hoped for...
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...
...
...
...
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... but boy, was I wrong!
Suddenly, my mom, Twilight Velvet, barged in and shouted at me, waking me up.
"Shining Armor!" She shouted. "Get your ass in the bathroom and wipe your pee off the toilet seat! You think anyone wants to see that?!"
When she closed the door, I sighed in agony. Boy, the only chance I had of having the good times were way over than I thought.
When I was around 13, my mother convinced my father Night Light, to move us out of the project and into this fancy place called Canterlot. Of course, she always said that 'Project' was just another word for experiment. You know in a lab, the government gives rats cheese. In the projects, the government gives people cheese. I'll be damned if I were to offer some cheese.
Me and the rest of the family all traveled in a carriage which was rode by Night Light. Sitting beside me were my brother Prince Blueblood and my little sis Twilight Sparkle, better known as Twily. Feeling some hunger in his stomach, my brother spoke to my dad.
Dad, can we stop at MareDonald's?" Blueblood asked Night Light.
"You guys have MareDonald's money?" Night Light replied.
"Honey, you know the kids have to eat." Twilight Velvet asked her husband.
"They ain't got to eat MareDonald's." Night Light suggested. "We got some bologna in the back. All I gotta do is pull over."
My father Night Light always kept bologna handy, just in case. But he quickly changed his mind about the MareDonald's thing.
"I changed my mind, we're going to MareDonald's." He replied, making his decision. "But you all get one combo meal. Blueblood can have the burger, Twilight Sparkle gets the fries, and Shining Armor can have the drink."
At one time, I just got ice.
We settled down at an apartment in the Filli-Stuy section of Canterlot. We'd known that Filli-Stuy was the center of a crack epidemic. I sorta guessed we'd pick someplace else.
Filli-Stuy even had its own motto: "Filli-Stuy, do or die." Even those thugs living on the side of town wrote it in red graffiti. Of course, those were some of those thugs that had a good chance of dying. My mom looked right at them with such caution. From there, she gave me, Blueblood and Twily a dire warning.
"If I even catch any of you spray paintin' on anybody's wall, I'm gonna put my foot so far up your behind, you'll have toes for teeth." Twilight Velvet warned us. "Get inside."
With those words, Twilight Velvet had hundred recipes for whooping ass. Imagine the words she would give us when we did something wrong:
"Boy, I'll slap the caps off your knees."
"I will knock your silly little ass into last night."
"I'll slap your name out the phone book and call my Bell and tell I did it."
Yeesh, I bet my insides cringed every time I heard that.
My younger brother Prince Blueblood was the middle mare of the family. There was nothing worse than having a little brother that's way bigger than you. My sister Twily was the youngest and would do anything to get me in trouble, even if I didn't do it. One time, while I was opening up the sugar to put on my oatmeal, Twily took my hand and tipped the sugar jar over, spilling little contents. Twilight Velvet saw the whole thing unfold as she walked by.
"Shining Armor, clean that mess up." She told me.
"But Twily did it!" I exclaimed.
"Uh-uh!" Twilight went.
"Did I ask you that?" Mother told me sternly.
Of course, I had no choice but to clean up. Since I was always the oldest, I had to be the emergency adult. My father always gave me advice and lessons on emergency, such as:
"If you smell smoke, and you think the house is gonna catch fire, get your brother and your sister and get out of here."
"If you smell gas and you think the house is gonna blow up, get your brother and your sister and get out of here."
"If you smell smoke, and your brother catches on fire, get your sister and get out of here."
What was I, a one-pony medic? Luckily, the house never caught fire and neither did Prince Blueblood.
Back at breakfast, I had to talk to my mom about which school I wanted to attend. But she wouldn't have it any other way. She had to choose which school I was forced to go to. There wasn't anywhere around this.
"Mom, why is it that Blueblood and Twily get to go to school in our own neighborhood, but I have to go all way out to Canterlot Beach?" I asked her.
Canterlot Beach was a poor Pegasi neighborhood on the other side of town. It was just like Filli-Stuy, minus the gangs and add the mob. So my mom had a good reason why I wasn't allowed to go to school in my own neighborhood.
"Because the junior high school around here is like a hoodlum factory." She replied. "Besides, stallions and mares get an education."
To let you know, they don't get a Hoove-vard type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store type education. Meanwhile, my father Night Light came into the kitchen with a smile in his face.
"Hey, dad." I said as he bopped me playfully in the head with a newspaper.
"Hey, baby." Twilight Velvet said, pecking my dad in the lips.
"What's up, dad?" Blueblood chuckled, giving Night Light a high five.
"Hey, daddy." Twily spoke with boredom.
"Hey, baby." He said, kissing her on the cheek.
With the extra affection she'd always get from dad, no wonder Twilight Sparkle was my father's favorite. And she knew it why when Night Light looked down at the oatmeal Twilight refused to eat. Something was definitely wrong with it.
"What's wrong with the oatmeal?" He replied.
"Shining Armor made it too lumpy." Twilight told him.
"Don't worry, Sweetie." Night Light smiled to her. "You don't have to eat it."
From there, my dad passed the bowl back to me. But before I could even think of going to the kitchen and throwing it away, his voice stopped me again.
"I know you're not gonna throw that away." He told me. "Eat that. That's about 30 cents worth of oatmeal."
My father was always a price nut. He knew what everything costs. For example, whenever there was a hot wing, he'd go out and say:
"That's 4 bits in the trash!"
Another example came when he accidentally burnt a tray of buttermilk biscuits:
"That's 10 bits on fire!"
And not to leave out the spilled contents of the milk dripping all over the table:
"That's 3 bits of spilled milk dripping all over my table." He replied, "Somebody's gonna drink this milk!"
After breakfast was over, Night Light was busy reading over the gas bill for the house. As Twilight Velvet picked up the plate that my father finished, he spoke out to her.
"Baby did you see this?" He said, holding the bill.
"I've paid this." Velvet said, grabbing the bill in her hands.
"Well, It says you paid half." Night Light replied.
"I know." Twilight Velvet nodded.
"I gave you all the money." He told her. "How come you only paid what was half of the bill?"
"I can't believe that you'd really ask me that." She scoffed.
"Just asking you a question." Night Light insisted. "I'm trying to find out what's going on around here."
"No, you're not." Velvet shook her head. "You're questioning my judgement."
"Well, you act like there's ain't no big red bill sitting on the table." He whined a little.
Risking any chance of an argument happening, Twilight Velvet decided to give in and let Night Light handle it.
"Okay, fine." Velvet said as she handed him the bill back. "You do it then."
"I will." Night Light nodded.
"All right." She nodded as well.
"I am!"
"Good."
"Fine."
"Fine!"
It nearly went back and forth. Of course, my parents always taught me that love is never having to say "Kiss my ass". As my father looked around for more bills, he noticed something else missing. So he turned to my mom, who was at the kitchen.
"Where the stamps at?" He shouted.
In my childhood, I was never cool growing up. But the only cool thing about me was this pair of white horseshoes that I had. It looked killer, sleek, and it was rock-hard to the bone. I couldn't wait to wear these to my first day at my new school. I came downstairs, just to polish my horseshoes together. But before I could do such thing, Twilight Velvet caught me.
"Oh no, no, no, no." She objected. "Boy, there's no way you ain't going to school in no horseshoes."
You might believe it or not, but there was a time where you couldn't wear horseshoes everywhere. So I had to object back.
"Why?" I shrugged. "Everybody else wears sneakers!"
"Those horseshoes you're wearing look raggity." She told me. "Besides, you have an assembly today." And then, she walked away from me while muttering, "Boy, you've done lost your mind..."
To be honest, my mom hated raggity. Twilight Velvet always said it's way better to be poor and neat than to be rich and raggity. She only said that because we were poor. While I took my killer horse-shoes off, my mom came back with dirty silver horseshoes.
"Here." She said, giving me the horseshoes. "You can wear Blueblood's good shoes."
"Aw mom, I hate these shoes!" I objected. "Everybody's gonna make fun of me at school!"
"Don't be silly, you've only been going there for a week." Velvet replied. "You don't know everybody."
I was the only white-coated mare at the school.
"Yeah, they know me..." I muttered before putting on Blueblood's god-awful dirty horseshoes.
This is so embarassing. Me wearing dirty horseshoes on my first day in my new school? Who on earth would wanna see that? As I stepped outside, I saw Blueblood and Twily standing over there on the bench. Blueblood was shocked when he saw me wearing his footwear.
"Hold up, how come he's wearing my shoes?" Blueblood cried out to Velvet.
"Because ya only have one pair of feet." Velvet said to Blueblood. But then, she focused her attention back on me. "Okay Shining Armor, don't fool around after school. I need you to be here early to let Blueblood and Twily in, okay?"
"Wait a minute, you're not gonna be here?" I told her.
"No sweetie, I have to work today." Velvet sighed. "But you know the drill."
"Yeah, I know." I nodded. "Daddy's gonna be asleep and don't wake him up 'til 5."
"That's right." Velvet nodded back.
As soon as I went down the steps, Twilight Velvet stopped me again.
"Shining Armor!" She exclaimed, "You got your bus pass with you?"
Hearing this, I had to check my good leather jacket for one. Considering how many pockets my jacket had, it was always a bitch trying to find the bus pass. After all, these were tiny pockets!
Yeah, I think it's somewhere around here..." I muttered.
She knew first hand that I forgot it. Not that I ever had a bus pass to begin with. So my mom decided to cut me some slack by handing me her bus pass.
"You keep this." She replied, giving me the yellow-colored pass. "You even think about losing this bus pass, your behind is gonna end up walking to school."
As I took the bus pass from my mom's hands, she also had something to give to me as well.
"Oh, and here's two bits for lunch." Velvet said, handing me the bits.
"Thanks." I smiled to her.
"All right, now be good." She smiled down at me as myself, Blueblood and Twily went down the front porch.
"Bye, mom." Blueblood said to Velvet.
"Bye, mommy." Twily said to Velvet as well.
"Bye, baby." Velvet waved to Twilight.
As I was coming down the porch, mom warned me again.
"Hold your sister's hand." Velvet told me. "Now go in the street."
As I was holding Twilight Sparkle's hand, I saw a beautiful unicorn step out of the house next door and holding a book in her hand. Everything about her was gorgeous from head to toe. Her mane was pale, light grayish cyan with white highlights and her coat had a very light aquamarine touch to it. If you felt her skin, she would be as soft as a cloud rolling in Canterlot.
Lyra Heartstrings was your ordinary pony next door. At around fourteen years old, I didn't know a lot about sex. But I knew that Lyra had something to do with it.
As she stepped down the patio, she got a good look at me. But apparently, that wasn't the case.
"Hey, Blueblood!" Lyra smiled at him as she walked away.
Blueblood. Out of all people, she had to look at him instead of me?
"What's up, Lyra?" Blueblood shouted out to her.
"You know her?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah." Blueblood nodded. I swore, Blueblood was so cool that he got girls at 10 that I couldn't get until I was about 26.
Meanwhile, as we started walking through the street, I decided to give them a little pep talk.
"Listen, when you and Twily get to the house, don't ring the bell or knock on the door." I told them sternly. "Just wait, okay?"
"Whatever you say..." Blueblood rolled his eyes.
"What if I have to go to the bathroom?" Twily questioned me.
"Go at school." I answered.
"But that bathroom is nasty!" Twily whined.
Suddenly, I decided to stop so I can look Twilight Sparkle in the face.
"Look, you wake up daddy, he's gonna punch me right in the balls." I told Twilight. "And if he does that, I'm gonna punch you in the ass and then he's gonna kill me and wound up in jail. Now do we want Dad in jail?"
"No." Twily said, shaking his head.
"Alright then." I nodded, "Now let's get moving."
Back at home, Twilight Velvet was steaming mad as hell. Even when she was mad, she still calmed down to make my dad's dinner. On the plate was vegetables, potatoes and Night Light's favorite: a honkin' huge piece of chicken. She kept the whole thing in the fridge until he'd get up out of bed. Talk about having one large appetite.
For me however, I had to take two buses to school everyday. I mean, was the junior high school across the street really that bad? It wasn't surprising that school shootings was invented by unicorns, yet they were stolen by alicorns. It was almost like rock n' roll.
My first bus was the 26. Being a bit of a conversative pony, I read the newspaper every single day. I bet you didn't know that I learnt more in the way to school than I learnt at school.
My next bus was the 44. I was the only white coated stallion on the bus. And nobody sat next to me.
By that, I mean nobody.
Apparently, the mare with a pregnant foal growing out of her tummy didn't count. I backed away from her and she was downright mad at me, thinking that I offended her. You think she's pissed off now, wait 'til her daughter brings home King Sombra. That oughtta be a wakeup call.
If you're wondering one thing, I decided to make Prince Blueblood related to Shining Armor and Twilight Sparkle. I don't know why, but I'd figured I'd enjoy making Blueblood a part of the family. If the rest of you haven't seen the show "Everybody Hates Chris", it's on YouTube and MTV2 and it is hilarious. I suggest checking it out if you get the chance.
Anyway, how will Shining Armor's first day at his new school go?
Will Night Light get a chance to eat the big piece of chicken?
The answers will be revealed next chapter! Until then, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!