Heeeyyyy. How's y'all? It's late. I'm tired. I'm probably going to be grounded soon if I don't get off my computer, but eh. I wanted to give you guys this story, first. ;) But first, I wanted you guys to know that I had to take a bit of a break from fanfiction, because life was just getting all up in my face. But I've tried to do a bunch of stories and post them to make up for it, so keep an eye out for that. ;) Now, I hope that you enjoy this kind of dark and hopeful story, lol. Enjoy. ;)
P.S. Don't forget that I'm now accepting prompts! ;)
Disclaimer: I own not a thing. So tired that I can't even think of a funny line to put...
It's hard.
Being a speedster.
Having the speedforce inside of you. Having it in your every thought, controlling your every moment, taking over your life until you're just a shell of the person you used to be.
Watching from the sidelines as some thing more powerful, greater than you takes over and controls your life.
Barry feels it, in his mind, in the back of his subconscious, patiently waiting until he's weak enough so that it can take over. Consume his entire body and not just his thoughts, anymore.
It wants more.
It wants power, it seeks power and craves it so much to the point where it begins forcing him to give it to him.
Draining his energy little by little everyday until the point where he collapses in training one time, gasping for breath like a fish out of water as the speedforce chants 'more' inside of his mind.
Trying to take more, needing to take more, but knowing that they can't. Not right now.
Wait until he regains his strength, it says.
Caitlin doesn't know how else to diagnose it; he's putting too much pressure on himself and has collapsed from fatigue. He wishes it were true. He wishes it wasn't because of the very thing that makes him the Flash. The very thing that gives him his friends, his life.
It's slowly sucking the very life out of him.
Bit by bit, agonizingly slow, until he's wasted away. He hates the speedforce. Wishes to his very soul that he could banish it from his mind, fully aware of the consequences.
It's like having somebody constantly there, watching over your shoulder, but not in the guardian way.
In the creepy, stalker, out-to-kill-you way.
It hovers above him like a storm cloud. Waiting until he falls so that it can force him back up, take even more from him. It whispers in his subconscious, reminding him that he is never alone. He is never his own.
Nothing is his own. Everything that he has inevitably belongs to the speedforce. His strength, his willpower, and above all his speed. They taunt him; we can give, but we can take. He wonders distantly if he told anybody about this, what they would think.
Would they deem him schizophrenic? Deem him unable as the Flash? Try to take his speed away? A deep, maniacal laugh forms somewhere in his mind, and he knows it's not his own, because he's not like that.
But it laughs in a taunting and better-than-you sort of way,because these people think that they can control the speedforce?
Think that they can take and give powers?
Think that they are powerful enough to stop the speedforce?
Barry almost agrees. But instead he cowers back, fighting off all of the torment as the laughter fades, but the resounding feeling of you're better than them, Barry. Don't settle for average, takes over his mind. He tries to fight it.
Tries to stop it from taking over his very essence, with the sinking feeling of knowing that he never can.
The speedforce has it's own mind, and it merely possesses those who it believes it can. Those it believe have nothing else to live for. He wonders briefly if the speedforce itself is the reason for all of the horrible things that have happened in his life.
He knows that it is.
But he forces himself not to think about it, because he knows that the speedforce is there, watching, listening to his every thought. And he's afraid that if he allows them to see it, they will think that it's mutiny, and destroy him. Move onto the next person it can defeat and conquer.
Not even his thoughts are his own. One day at home, him and Iris are watching a movie, when she pauses it, looking at him as a thoughtful expression crossing her delicate features.
"What?" He asks, a small smile on his lips as she continues to look at him.
"What's it like?" She questions, but elaborates further when she sees his confused expression. "The speedforce. What's it like?" She asks and his smiles falters. His mind is suddenly engulfed in a sheet of darkness, black vultures swirling in his mind as they push him to answer honestly.
Almost as if they're setting him up for a trap. He dares not say the truth. He can't burden Iris with this. He can't and he won't. Even though the speedforce beckons him to.
Protect Iris, despite all costs, a mantra repeats in the back of his mind, the one free of anything evil, part of his mind. The part of his mind that is still the same as it was before the speedforce ever chose to corrupt his life. So he puts on a brave face and smiles big.
"Awesome." He declares after a few moments, and she smiles. Not a real one, more of the kind she does when she wants to know more, and she's not satisfied enough. But she settles for it anyway.
She plays the movie, getting lost in the fictional world, whilst he gets lost in his own, twisted and dark world that settles in his mind, that belongs to the speedforce. Some days it feels as if he's drowning. Choking as he falls into the abyss. Calling for help, a silent plea for a savior that isn't there for him.
He's drowning.
Yet nobody notices. It's struggling to take over. To control his very essence. To turn him fully into someone, something he's not. He sees Zoom, sees what happened to him, and thinks; God, no, don't let that happen to me. Even though, he knows that it could.
At any given moment. But he still fights it, and he knows that's the reason he has come so far. It's taking a toll on him, but he won't give up. Won't give in.
He can't hurt his friends and family, and he knows that's exactly what'll happen if he gives in.
Jay Garrick, the real Jay Garrick, catches him one day when they're at Star Labs. Barry zones out for a moment while his teammates talk, and he can't focus because the speedforce is there and it's laughing and telling him to destroy, destroy, destroy.
But he won't let it.
Jay must see this, because when Barry comes back to reality, Jay is just looking at him, as if he understands. And Barry supposes that he does. Maybe there's a good side to the speedforce. Maybe others don't have it quiet as bad as Barry does.
He supposes it would make sense; the larger the demons inside of you, the more darkness. He sees Jesse and Wally, and can't help but feel anguish for them.
They're so young, and so hopeful, and Barry just can't stand to see the speedforce destroy them, too.
Maybe they won't, he supposes.
Maybe there was enough hope and light in them for the speedforce to leave them alone. He tries to make a pact with the speedforce, take me, he says, but they won't pay any attention to him. For once he wishes that they would. Despite all of this pain and turmoil, he supposes that he wouldn't give it up even if he could.
Because he knows that he can fight it.
And that he always will.
It's the moments when he's running at the speed of light, the electricity crackling through the air, through the ground, through him, that make up for it all. The moments when the speedforce leaves him be to this ecstasy, a different kind of speedforce comes in and chants one mantra in the back of his mind; run, Barry, run!
It's those times that he gets to be somebody's hero. Gets to save their day, their homes, and loved ones, their entire lives. It's those moments when the speedforce is gone, and even though he knows that it will be back, he's okay with it.
It's those moments that make up for any of those other God-awful moments. It's the moments when he thinks; I can do this, and he actually believes it. Some days he just goes running for no reason other to get rid of that speedforce, and gain this new one.
This newer, better, greater one.
Perhaps, he realizes, it's the good in him coming out when he runs. When his mind is otherwise preoccupied. When he's out saving lives, is it the good in him? When he can't dwell on other things? Things that poison his soul, and eventually only feed more to the speedforce?
He knows that he's right.
And when he runs, some days, he gets a feeling and he just knows.
He knows that eventually the good in his heart will win out. It will be tough, and he will fail at times, but in the end, he believes he can win. Days when he isn't, and hasn't for a long time, he believes the opposite. Because he knows that in the end...good doesn't always win.
But you can make it better. And that's all he's trying to do in his life and everybody else's.
He tries.
And this time, he will win.
Ta-da...*sings in a tired sing-songy voice* Please review; I'll love ya' for life!