Note: This was written years ago when Season 5 was airing, and does not take into account any events that have occurred since.
~~...o*0*o…~~
It's a crime, you let it happen to me
Never mind I let it happen to you
Out of mind, forget it, there's nothing to lose
But my mind and all the things I wanted
Every time I get it, I throw it away
It's a sign, I get it, I want to stay
By the time I lost it, I'm not afraid
I'm alive but I can surely fake it
How can I believe, when this cloud hangs over me?
You're the part of me that I don't want to see
Forget it…
('Forget It' by Breaking Benjamin)
~~...o*0*o…~~
He had never seen the point in telling anyone about his five years of Hell at the hands of the Augustine Society. It wasn't as if anyone could do anything about it, all it would do is give Stefan another thing to feel guilty about, and provide Elena with another excuse to use when defending him about all the awful things he's done.
But there was another, more selfish, reason: if he didn't talk about it, he could try to forget about it. Try to forget about him.
And then, of course, Dr Wes Maxfield happened, and he was forced to re-live the whole damn thing. To remember the endless hours of torture, the devastating disappointment when each day the rescue that he longed for never came; the ever increasing temptation to flip the switch and turn it all off. But most of all, to remember the one good thing in that time of his life - and how he ultimately destroyed that too.
He had done a lot of terrible things in his life, most of which were common knowledge, but his biggest shame was a secret he had hoped to take to his grave (so to speak). And it seemed like he would be able to do so - until, that is, he came face to face with that ghost from his past. Only, he was actually very much alive. And eager to tell his story.
"Damon and I had been locked in those cells for years; tortured, beaten, humiliated, but we weren't gonna let them break us, no. We decided if we were going to escape we needed to work together. We needed each other. So I'd given Damon all of my blood ration so he'd have the strength to escape and save me in the process. Our plan began perfectly, didn't it? I was waiting in the cage for him to release me, waiting for my friend, my cellmate, the only soul with whom I'd connected with in all those years of captivity. Then a fire starts, burns out of control, but Damon just can't get the damn cage open. He looks me in the eye as if he doesn't even recognise me, turns arounds, saves himself, leaving me to die. Unfortunately, I lived. I was spared by one of the scientists so I could spend another 50 years on a table being opened and closed." Turning his attention to Damon, "Did you ever think about it after you left: the experiments, the cell; or did you just go out and lead your merry life to the fullest?"
He knew Enzo had every right to feel this way, to feel as if he had been betrayed, to hate him for what he did. Hell, he hated himself for what he did. But he needed to try to make his friend understand, tell his version of events.
"What do you want? You want me to feel guilty? I couldn't save you. And I'm gonna tell you my side of the story. You asked me if I thought about you after I escaped, and the answer is no, and I sure as Hell don't feel guilty about leaving you, because in order for me to save myself and leave you, I had to shut off my humanity, damn it. So I flipped the switch, and then I felt nothing: no remorse, no regret, no pain."
"And now what do you feel - remorse, regret, pain? Even if I forgave you, Damon, would that make you less of a horrible person? You were the most important person in my life and you ruined me; but that's just who you are, that's who you'll always be - a monster."
Damon knew Enzo was right. He was a physical embodiment of the part of himself Damon most wanted to hide. A shadow on his soul that he could never forget.