[A/N: Hey! Here's a little Erwin X Reader angst! Anyways, I'd just like to share that I'm on tumblr, helping to run an snk imagines blog! Whoop whoop, check it out (imaginesnkdorks) and request away ;D]
They were both aware of how they felt. They know what it was, yet neither made a move.
(Y/N) was getting tired of it. She knows that he knows she loves him. How could he not know? She was his sanctuary; his refuge. Expedition after expedition, she was by his side. And she was getting tired of it because he was hers, too; her refuge. They both had each other's back, and they both had each other's heart. So why don't they just take it?
"(Y/N)!"
"Tsk! Sigmund, Inka, cover me!" (Y/N) barked to her subordinates. This (H/C) – haired girl is a squad leader, you see. Squad leader of the Survey Corps. It's the year 845, just a couple months after the fall of Wall Maria.
"Gyahh!" (Y/N) yelled as she dropped on a titan, carving out its neck in the process. One down. They managed to kill just one titan – one titan which has killed three of (Y/N) soldiers. A tragedy, yes, but it also was the last titan in direct sight – meaning they're as good as done for the day.
"Squad leader (Y/N)," Inka called, "blue flares!" She then pointed to the sky, on their left side. True enough, the sky was painted blue with smoke from several flares. That means it's time to go home.
"Sigmund, you fire it." (Y/N) commanded.
"Roger!"
(Y/N) sighed, wiping the blood and sweat off her forehead with her sleeve. Not caring at all if anyone sees her doing so. She lost three of her men today. It's hard to be optimistic when it's like this every time they venture beyond the wall.
After Sigmund fired the flare, (Y/N) ordered the rest to start moving, before a titan sees them. Soon enough they were with the rest of the corps. The commander, Erwin Smith decided to regroup before heading back inside the wall. It's to perform first aid on anyone injured, to let their horses rest up a little, and also to collect the dead.
(Y/N) found herself walking towards Erwin and the other squad leaders, but before she could do so, someone held her back.
"(Y/N), where are you going? We need to do something about that first!" it was Inka, pointing at (Y/N)'s forehead where blood had already started to coagulate.
"Oh yeah, I forgot about this." (Y/N) remarked, off handedly as if she was just talking about how sunny it was.
"Seriously? That has got to hurt!" It was Sigmund this time, and he was right. It was a pretty bad gash.
"Ugh. I think I'm still running on adrenaline. I'm sure it'll hurt like a bitch later." (Y/N) said, letting Inka usher her to the medics.
It may sound weird, but in life or death situations, you don't really have enough time to cry over your boo boos. You just have to grin and bear it.
(Y/N)'s wound was cleaned and dressed up in a bandage that goes all around her forehead in no time. The medics really work fast here – they have to, with this being a battlefield.
(Y/N) wasted no time and went to where the commander was.
"Erwin!" (Y/N) called on the taller man.
"Another head injury?" Erwin asked the moment he spotted the bandage around (Y/N)'s head.
"Another? I don't always injure my head, you know."
"Of course. It was your ankle last time." Erwin uttered, his face almost showing amusement despite where they are.
"Hey! That was months ago!" (Y/N) defended herself. She can't help but smile at that. Fresh from hell, they're already like this. Hange used to tease them that they're like an old married couple, bantering like this. Huh, married? (Y/N) thought to herself.
"Anyways, where's the list?" (Y/N) asked her superior, all business now.
"Here." Erwin handed the list. What list? List of the dead, the missing. Really though, missing? Anyone not seen for twenty minutes can be as good as dead. That's how dangerous it is.
(Y/N) took a deep breath as she took the list and pen from Erwin. This is one aspect of being a squad leader that she doesn't like.
Lorie Wayne
Mark Risch
Michael Duerr
"Done." (Y/N) said, handing it back to Erwin.
"Thank you." Erwin uttered as he started to read the newly added names. He can't help but raise his eyebrow at the last name.
(Y/N) lingered there. Seeing Erwin's brow raised, she can't help but talk about it.
"This was supposed to be Michael's last expedition. Ironic, I know." (Y/N) can't help but let go of a grim smile.
"Wasn't he the one who's about to get married?" Erwin inquired. He's correct. (Y/N) nodded. It's sad, really. (Y/N) told him he shouldn't go, but Michael insisted that it will be alright, just one last hurrah before he ties the knot with his lovely bride.
"Tragic, isn't it?" (Y/N) said. She can't help but think of her own romance -or lack thereof. It's not that there isn't any chance to fall in love – she is in love! With the very man she's talking to right now; Erwin Smith. And she knows, somehow, he feels the same way. He must! So, why isn't he taking any steps? Should she be the one to make the first move?
"Impractical and cruel, is what it is." Erwin said, lips forming a tight line.
"How so?" (Y/N) inquired. Impractical, huh?
"We're soldiers. We could die anytime here in the field. It's cruel to start a family with someone, knowing full well that you'd die and leave them alone." Erwin told (Y/N), looking directly into her eyes.
This revelation stirred something within (Y/N). She finally knows and before she could stop herself, she asked the question.
"Is that why you won't admit it, Erwin? That you're in love? With me?"
Silence. (Y/N) realized that there was no turning back now. There's no more pretending they're just friends, or at least only sees each other as friends. Erwin responded, and to her surprise, he was very honest.
"Yes." Erwin smiled at her, and her heart leaped. (Y/N) can't help the blush that was creeping up her cheeks.
"I feel the same- "Before (Y/N) could finish though, Erwin cut her off.
"But we can't be together. We aren't civilians, we're already half inside our graves. I don't want to have you suffer because of my death – which could happen anytime."
(Y/N) felt like she's been slapped. Of course, what Erwin said made some sense. But it isn't the whole truth. It's not that she won't be heartbroken at the thought of him dying, no. She would be devastated if that ever happens! It's because he's wrong.
"That might be, but it isn't entirely true. Everyone dies, Erwin. Even civilians can die anytime! Accidents happen, and people get sick. But that doesn't stop everyone from loving and be loved!" (Y/N) was doing her best to stop the tears from coming.
Turning on her heels, (Y/N) walked away, leaving Erwin to his thoughts.
Erwin looked at the neat row of cadavers behind him. "Everyone dies, huh?"