If We Die Tomorrow
The stairs creaked as she made her way into the basement. He stood on the other side of the room, as if waiting for her. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked at him. For a moment neither spoke and neither moved. Then, without saying a word, she crossed the room. She rested her head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly.
"You ok, love?" She looked up at him.
"Yeah. I'm fine." He gave his trademark smirk and sat down on the bed by the wall. After a moment she sat down next to him.
"Big day tomorrow. You really think Willow can—"
"I know she can. I wouldn't have asked her to do it if I didn't think she could." A pause. "She'll never start trusting her power again until she is forced to use it." Spike just nodded his head. They sat together in silence for a short while but it didn't feel awkward or strained as it had months earlier. Finally, Spike let a breath and turned to look at Buffy.
"We could die tomorrow." Buffy blinked. She already knew that. He didn't have to remind her.
"I know."
"Then there's something I need to say…something I need to tell you." She propped herself against the wall and looked at him.
"Ok."
"I know…I haven't always been the…man you deserved—" She cut him off.
"Spike. We've been through this. You've changed and I know it. I saw it before anyone else did."
"Let me finish." His tone was sharper than he meant for it to be and she shrunk back a little.
"I know I haven't been everything you've wanted and deserved but…I'm a better man because of you." She smiled and ran a hand along his cheek.
"You've got goodness in your soul, Spike. That's what made you a better man." He shook his head.
"No…it's not. I could feel it before then…after you died. You really think your friends wanted me around?"
"Probably not."
"Damn right they didn't. But I stayed…had to. I promised to protect Dawn and I bloody well did."
"I know you did. But it wasn't because you were a better man. It was because you were in love with me." He opened his mouth to rebut but she stopped him. "And I am still grateful everything did for her while I was gone."
"Loving you changed me, Buffy." She leaned against his shoulder and snaked her arm through his.
"Just don't start reciting poetry, ok." He couldn't help laughing. He'd long since given up on poetry. He'd resigned himself to the fact that he couldn't write a decent bit of it.
Another silence fell between them and they sat snuggled together in the basement. Buffy closed her eyes and just took him in with her other senses. He had changed and she was glad he had. She couldn't have come this far in the fight without him. She let out a soft sigh as she felt his hand stroking her hair.
"I'm sorry." Her eyes opened and she looked at him in confusion.
"For what?"
"I never apologized for…" He looked away. Part of him was still disgusted with what he'd tried to do to her. Even if she forgave him, which wasn't likely, he could never forgive himself. From the tone of his voice, she could guess what he couldn't bring himself to say.
"Spike. Look at me." He didn't move. She finally reached up and turned his head so they were face-to-face.
"It will never be right, Buffy."
"What you did…tried to do…I know you know it was wrong. And…"
"Don't say you forgive me. Because I know you don't mean it."
"You have to forgive yourself Spike. It doesn't matter if I forgive you."
"I can't."
"It was the demon inside of you that did those things." He tried to deny her statement but he couldn't as she crawled into his lap and held him.
"You've come a long way. You are my strength and I'm going to need you in this tomorrow."
"You have me, Buffy."
--
The kitchen was quiet. Xander and Anya sat opposite each other at the center island, neither making eye contact. Things had been different between them since Caleb's attack. Anya couldn't bring herself to hold a grudge towards him. Maybe it was the eye patch.
"An…what are you thinking about?" She looked at Xander and sighed.
"You could die tomorrow."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence."
"What? I'm being realistic."
"I know. I was thinking the same thing."
"Do you think…if things were different…like there was no impending apocalypse…we might…"
"I don't know…maybe. I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again. I love you, Anya. I always will. And ok…yes if things were different maybe we could have a chance."
"Well a chance is something." He smiled a little at her comment. She was still his same old Anya.
"Who knows…we could both make it. And…we could try again. Make it better this time."
"Anya…"
"What? You just said you'll always love me. Or is that the impending apocalypse and statistically high possibility of death talking?"
"I just…I thought we'd figured us out. We aren't the same people we were even a few months ago."
"Yes…I know."
"I…" He stood up and rounded the island. He took one of her hands in his and squeezed it tightly. She gave him a watery look and rested her head on his shoulder.
"You're a strange man, Xander Harris."
"You too, An…you too."