Mistakes
Author: Moggie
Pairing: G/? Category: Drama, Angst, Romance Rating: PG-13 Summary: Life can be cruel if you don't watch out. Spoilers: Possibly Season 2 and 3 Disclaimer: I do not under any circumstances own CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. Notes: Be patient, it's all going to come together.
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The morning mist was layering the horizon and the air was making the grass damp. Two people clung to each other, not willing to let go. Their link was still too strong. The taxi was packed and was ready to leave. The driver pressed the horn, indicating it was time to go.
"I'll miss you." She breathed into his neck.
He wouldn't let go, his arms tightened around her. "I won't let you go. You can't leave me." He said strongly, painfully and sorrowfully.
"We both know its for the best." She started to cry into his neck. "Gil, let me go."
"No!" He choked and held her to him.
She pulled her arms from him and pushed back on his chest. "Please Gil, no more goodbyes." She pleaded, raising her hand to his face, caressing his cheek softly.
"If you leave, I will never forgive you." His eyes were filled with tears as he looked into hers and begged her to stay.
"If I stay, we'll continue to hurt each other. I can't see you in pain. Let me go. Just to see what happens-" He dropped his head slightly and interrupted her.
"What will happen. is that my heart will die." He whispered.
She tilted her head to one side and wiped her tears as he slowly released her and let her step away. "I'll miss you." She whispered.
He closed his eyes briefly before looking behind her at the taxi. "I'll miss you both." His tears fell as it started to rain. He watched as she turned away and climbed into the car. He brought his hands up to his face as the rain washed the tears from his cheeks. He tried to wipe them away, but the rain wasn't helping, replacing the tears with raindrops. Through his clouded eyes, he saw his life drive away and felt his heart fold in on itself and drop to the pit of his stomach to hide where it was never going to come out from.
He never saw them again. The next day he got a phone call from the police. The taxi had been crushed under a refrigerated truck. Everyone inside the taxi were killed instantly. Since that day he never once let anyone in. He completely shut himself off to the world. He closed his heart and buried himself in his work.
Four years later he decided to take up a friends offer of teaching a seminar to eager students. These students were young CSI's, level 1's and 2's. They chose to expand their knowledge of the forensic world and take a class. That's when Grissom met an extraordinary woman. Her name was Sara Sidle. So full of life and very interested in anything to do with forensics. They talked after the class finished and after exchanging phone numbers and e-mail addresses, Grissom went home.
Over a year, they kept in contact through the e-mails they sent and a rare phone call. They mainly talked about cases, but would ask how the other was. He liked talking to her, she was smart, funny and enthusiastic about everything. She was young too, but when he would talk to her, the age difference didn't seem to stop them from laughing and enjoying each other's company.
For two and half years they kept in touch. He even helped on two occasions. Sara was working for the San Francisco Crime Lab and had asked for some help on two specific cases. Both involved bugs and Grissom's speciality was Entomology. While he was in her neck of the woods, they talked like they'd known each other for years. They had, but rarely had they seen each other, only through the letters, e-mails and the phone system.
One horrible shift at the lab, Grissom was suddenly put in charge of the Las Vegas Crime Lab. A rookie CSI was shot and another was under internal affairs for leaving a crime scene. His name was Warrick Brown and was told to shadow the rookie, Holly Gribbs, after having an argument with his boss. The former boss, Detective Jim Brass. Brass was shifted back to homicide. Gil Grissom took Brass's job as supervisor.
A telephone call from the hospital told the nightshift of the lab, that Holly died in surgery and Warrick brown was on suspension. Everything went down hill from there. Grissom was suddenly over run with paperwork and cases. His one time nightmare was paperwork, but his worse nightmare was a crime scene with no CSI. He made one phone call and when he asked, she came. No questions. He said he needed her help and she dropped everything and moved to Las Vegas.
Now, four years later, Sara Sidle worked the Las Vegas Crime Lab with the rest of the nightshift team; Nick Stokes, Warrick Brown, Catherine Willows and Gil Grissom. Over the four years she lived in Vegas, she'd seen more than her fair share of death and decay. 'Sin city' lived up to it's reputation. On a few occasions the nights would be quiet, but other nights, it would be none stop dead bodies popping up everywhere.
The team had put there differences that appeared when Sara first arrived, behind them. At first it was the challenge with Catherine about not being the only woman on the team any more and the fact that Sara appeared from nowhere to take over her case. Then there was Warrick, the conflict with working with each other. It was difficult to work with someone you were investigation only the week before. After a while, they pushed that fact into the past and got to know each other. Then there was Nick, the Texan ladies man. They became friends, best friends over the years and would talk to each other about everything.
Well, not quite everything. Sara didn't talk about her relationships and her personal life that much. It was a no go area for anyone. She tried hard to keep her personal life separate from work, but it would seep into it at various times, depending on the case or the mood she was in. On this particular night, she was in a foul mood. She wouldn't talk to anyone in case she snapped at them. She would stay out of peoples way and get on with her solo case, once again.
SOLO, she's been working solo cases for the past two months. What was there not to be pissed about? She loved solos, not! She goes out on a limb to face her long time fear and it turns around a bites her in the ass. If she'd stopped for one minute, she would have seen that he didn't feel a single thing for her. Instead, she makes a fool out of herself and asks him to dinner. Shot down on her very first try. Nothing like fate huh? Never meant to be, obviously.
Driving down the I-15 at 4 in the morning, Sara relaxed back into her seat and listened to the absolute silence of the interstate. Not even the radio was on, just the air conditioning and the whoosh of the air bristling past the speeding car. She lightly tapped her nails on the door as she hung her hand slightly outside the window. All she wanted to do, was get to Goodsprings, process the scene, get back to the lab and get home. She really needed some sleep, these cases have been keeping her too busy and she hadn't even seen Nick or Warrick in three days. She was always out in the field.
She did see Catherine a few times, but only a passing 'hi' and 'how are you' before they got out of ear and eye shot to talk any longer. So far, she'd been lucky and not seen her boss for more than, 'solo' and she'd be off with a case slip in hand and a very bad feeling that she was in for a double. She could handle it, so she kept telling herself. Two hours of sleep a night and she was ready to follow up a lead.
One of the reason's she avoided sleep lately, was the horrifying image of glass cutting her up and the force of the explosion throwing her into a near-by wall. She couldn't sleep after that nightmare in particular. The day was a reminder in every way. Never follow your heart around the lab, never show your heart around the lab and never speak with your heart unless you want it trampled on. All in one shift and it was a remarkable feeling of sadness that settled on her heart, when she realised there was no point in being happy if you were on death's door and rejected.
It was obvious after two years of avoidance and being blown up, that she was never meant to be happy. So, in the end, she just gave up and threw herself into her work. Even that proved to be against her. No matter what she did in life, it always turned around and gave her the worst it had. There was no point in anything anymore, she might as well give it all up and do what she planned to do three years ago. 'Leave'
2 hours of processing, she collected up her kit and started for her car. As she put her kit in the back, she snagged her forearm on a rusted piece of metal sticking out of the door. She hissed and cursed quietly and sighed. It just added to the heaviness in her heart, that nothing was going right. She opened her first aid kit as she climbed into the drivers seat. Cleaning the cut, she just put a plaster on it. It would do until she got home.
Brass was watching from his car. He'd been trying to talk to her, ask her if she was alright, but she didn't say anything, just got on with her work. He'd noticed that she was closing herself off to everyone since that incident in the lab, not to mention she pulled a gun on a suspect whilst still in shock from being thrown into a wall by the lab explosion. She didn't look well and she looked. distant.
After yet another 7 hours of sorting through evidence and following leads to a suspect. Sara let Brass to arrest the man responsible and went home. She had just under 5 hours to shower, eat and sleep before she had to go back to work. Showering was first on the agenda and sleep was the second. She could always get something at the lab. Managing a good uninterrupted 3 hours sleep, she got dressed and head into work. It had just gone 7 o'clock when she walked through the door.
Reaching into the fridge for a juice, she was stopped when her pager went off. She picked the juice cartoon up as she read the message. She sighed and put the juice back. Another case. She'll stop by a coffee shop or something. As she was walking to the front desk, Nick came through the door.
"Wow. Haven't seen you in a while. What you been doing Sar?" Nick grinned as he pulled his coat off.
Sara took the case slip from the receptionist as she turned to Nick. "Working Nicky. I gotta go. Another case. See you around." With that she left him standing in the lobby with a frown and a worrying feeling.
Nick walked to the break room and sat next to Warrick. "You seen Sara?" Nick asked.
Warrick looked up from his paper and shook his head "Just got here bro. Why?"
"I just saw her leave for a crime scene." Nick said, reaching for the sports magazine.
"Didn't know she was working solo again. She's probably wreaked. I haven't seen her in four days. She look ok?" Warrick asked, clearly concerned.
Nick thought back for a second and sighed. "To be honest, she looked like death warmed up. I think she's lost weight too. I'm starting to worry man."
Catherine walked in and grabbed a coffee. She looked at the boys. "Where's Sara?"
"Solo, just left." Nick informed and turned to her. "Have you spoken to her? She don't look too good."
Nodding, Catherine sat down. "I saw her yesterday for 5 seconds tops. She did look really tired and I think she's loosing weight."
Nick pointed to Catherine and looked at Warrick. "See, Cath noticed. Something's not right."
"What's not right?" Grissom asked as he entered the room with a file open in his hands.
Catherine put her coffee down. "Sara." Grissom nodded and looked back at the file as he sat down. "You're not going to ask why?" She asked, puzzled.
He shook his head. "It's got nothing to do with me." He said distantly.
Nick furrowed his brows at the older man. "Griss man, she's part of this team too."
"I know that Nick." Grissom snapped.
"Yeah, right." Nick mumbled.
Grissom sighed. "What was that?"
Nick turned back to his boss and sat up in his seat. "If she's part of this team, why isn't she working with us anymore? I haven't seen her in nearly a week. I just saw her on her way to a crime scene, solo, again and she look horrible. She's not well Griss. Take a look once in a while." Nick pushed himself up angrily and left the room. Warrick's chair screeched across the floor as he got up and followed him.
Catherine stared at Grissom, waiting for some kind of reaction from Nick's outburst. When he looked back down at the file, she reached across and snatched it from his hands. He glared at her. "Catherine!"
She gritted her teeth and leaned towards him across the table. "What the hell has gotten into you?"
"Nothing. Can you please give me that back?" He asked, ignoring her question.
Catherine tossed the file to the other end of the table. She sat back and crossed her arms over her chest, staring intently at her boss and friend. He sat there with his eyes on the file and his hands, flat on the table. Suddenly she had a thought. "You're putting her on solo cases so she can't speak to us aren't you?"
"Don't be ridiculous." He scoffed and stood up.
Watching him walk out the room, she got up and followed him. "What is it then?"
Grissom walked into his office and sat down. "What's what?"
"Oh great, avoid my questions Gil, but if you don't do something, I'm going too." She turned and stomped off.
Grissom watched her go and sat back in his chair. What was there to do? Nothing, he'd already done what needed to be done. He'd avoided and pushed her away so she wouldn't get hurt and neither was he. If he kept her busy, then she would forget about everything that happened and get on with her life.
A week later and Sara climbed out of bed after another double. She only got 3 hours sleep yesterday, but she managed 4 today. When she stood under the spray of the shower, she felt dizzy. Turning the spray off, she brushed it off and got dressed. Walking through to her kitchen, she made herself a sandwich. She was putting the mayonnaise back in the fridge when she noticed the water coming from beneath it. Lovely, need a new fridge. She turned and looked out at the living room. Also a cleaner. She sighed and turned back to her sandwich, reaching for the plate, she picked it up and stepped back into the puddle of water. With only her socks on, she slipped and before knew it, her head was pounding and everything went black.
Nick checked his watch for the sixth time as he processed his case in the layout room. He'd tried to get back to the lab with the hopes of seeing Sara, but he hadn't. She must have got another case and be in the field. Working for another few hours, he managed to find some evidence that could close his case. Running with the lead, he stopped by the receptionist and asked if she'd seen Sara. She said 'no', but she did see her at four, when she went home.
"Home?"
She nodded. "Yeah, she was working another double. I don't know how she does it. She looked really pale and tired, but she keeps coming into work on time and leaving a for a few hours before shift starts again." She smiled and went back to work.
Nick rang Brass and went to meet him to arrest a suspect. On the way to the suspects workplace, he stopped by Sara's. Her car was parked a few spaces from her apartment, which was odd, although some biker was parked in her space. He wouldn't have thought Sara would let that happen. Nick decided to park and go up and check on her. Ringing Brass, he told him he'd meet them back at the station.
He knocked for a good 5 minutes, but got no answer. He tried shouting, but sill got no answer. He turned and stopped when an elderly lady stood on the landing, watching him. "Hi. erm. do you know Sara Sidle?" He asked sweetly.
She smiled and nodded. "Nice young girl. She's suppose to be at work, but I haven't seen her leave. She usually gets my mail for me, but I had to get it today."
Nick nodded and turned back to the door. "Have you spoken to her lately, Miss?"
"Miss Robins and no I haven't. Not today that is. I saw her come home about 4 and I know she leaves for work at 6.30, but I haven't heard a peep. I'm sorry young man." She turned and walked back into her apartment opposite Sara's
Getting a really bad gut feeling, Nick looked around the door and under the mat for a spare key, not finding one, he banged harder on the door. "SARA!" He shouted once again, but still no answer. Hoping she doesn't beat the crap out of him, he broke the lock on the door as he charged it. "Sara, you here?" Getting silence, he looked around the place. Looks like no one's lived in it awhile. The TV was dusty and the entertainment system was dust ridden too.
Looking in the bathroom and bedroom, he headed for the kitchen. Rounding the counter, he quickly dropped to his knees as he grabbed a towel. "Jesus Christ! Sara? Sara, can you hear me?" He pressed the towel through the blood that was pooling around her and tried to wake her. It was no use. She had a pulse and was breathing, but she wasn't waking up.
Dialling for an ambulance on his cell, he gave them the address and waited. He rang Warrick and told him to get to the hospital, but didn't tell him why. He couldn't explain because he needed something else to replace the blood soaked towel. Finding another one, he heard the door push open. "Nick Stokes?" Came a voice.
"In the kitchen. She's loosing so much blood." Nick called. The paramedics took over and got her to the hospital as quickly as they could.
Nick arrived after the ambulance and ran into Warrick. "What's going on Nick?"
"I went to Sara's to check on her, she didn't come into work. Figured she was on another solo, but I decided to place her place and found her car there. I stopped and when she didn't answer, I broke in and found her unconscious on her kitchen floor. Bleeding." Nick took a gasping breath and sat down before he past out. His head was spinning.
Warrick slumped into a seat beside him and ran his hand over his forehead. "Jesus Nick, she might have been dead before anyone found her. How bad was it?"
Nick sighed. "A very large gash on the side of her head. She must had hit the kitchen unit or something. The floor was soaked, so she might have slipped."
Sitting in silence for ten minutes, Warrick turned to Nick. "Should we ring in?"
"I'm not. I rang Brass on my way here and said to arrest the suspect without me. Told him I'd sign the reports later. Didn't tell him why." Nick said quietly.
Warrick shook his head. "No, I mean Catherine and Grissom?"
Nick ran his hand through his hair and leaned his elbows on his knees. "Ring Cath."
"What about Grissom, he'll want to know?"
Nick snorted. "Yeah, right. He's the last person that would want to know. Haven't you noticed, he's been sending her out on solo case so he doesn't even see her anymore. Let alone, we haven't seen her. I'm starting to think he wants to transfer her from the lab the way he's avoiding her."
Warrick looked down at the white and black tiles as his friend spoke. He had to agree, Grissom must want to get rid of her. It's not like they even talk any more. He must want to transfer her. "I see what you mean. I'll ring Cath."
A slow hour later, a female doctor walked towards them. "Nick Stokes?"
Nick stood up and shook the woman's hand. "Yes. Is Sara alright?"
The doctor nodded. "Yes, she needs plenty of rest and we are going to keep her in for a few days. She's very ill."
Warrick stood next to Nick and looked at the woman's name badge ' Anna Leigh'. "Doctor Leigh, she only hit her head, why's she staying in for a few days?"
Leigh sighed and motioned for them to follow her. "Sara isn't well, she's underweight and suffered a bad head injury. She's exhausted and probably won't wake up for two days anyway. We're feeding her through a tube to help get her weight back up and if she improves by the middle of the week, she can go home, but no working for at least a month. She needs rest and no stress."
Nick and Warrick were reeling at all the information. They shared concerned looks and followed Leigh to Sara's room. She left them alone to sit with their friend. Nick took Sara's hand that was hooked up to a drip, administering painkillers into her system for the head injury.
"I can't believe this!" Nick growled and kissed her hand. "What happened?"
Warrick sat on the edge of the bed and pushed her hair from her face. "She's so pale and thin." He whispered.
Just then, the door opened and Catherine walked in. "How is she?"
Nick looked up and sighed. "She's really ill. The doctor says she won't wake up for at least two days. That's without the head injury."
Catherine narrowed her eyes in confusion, but as soon as she approached the bed and saw Sara laying there, they filled with tears. "Oh my god!" She gasped. Warrick walked towards her and pulled her to him. "She's pale War."
"I know." He soothed. "Doctor Leigh's doing everything she can."
Nick nodded. "She said Sara could go home in a few days, but she's not to work for a month. She needs plenty of rest."
"Has someone told Grissom?" Catherine asked, looking down at Sara.
Warrick shook his head and turned to look out the window. "No point. He wouldn't care. We're going to take turns and stay here so she's not alone and we'll share out her cases while she's here."
Nick turned to them and stood. "I'm with Warrick. Grissom doesn't give a shit, otherwise he would have noticed something was wrong in the first place. We should have done something, but I haven't seen her longer that a few minutes for nearly three months, how about you Warrick?"
"It's true."
Catherine pulled out her cell and walked towards the door. "I'm gonna call him. Tell him where we all are."
"Yeah, like he cares." Nick scoffed and sat back on the bed.
Closing her phone, she sat on the bench in the hospital garden. She had told Grissom that Sara was in hospital and where they were, but she didn't give him time to reply to any of it. He'd tried to get a word in, but hopefully he'd get down to Desert Palm and find out for himself.
Catherine and Nick went home to sleep before they had to go into work. Warrick had the night off and stayed with Sara. He sat in the chair beside her bed and held her hand. The nurse kept checking her and making she her pupils were ok. Darkness descended the room and only a lamp in the corner was on. Deciding it was time for food, Warrick went down to the restaurant.
When Warrick entered the elevator, Grissom appeared from the waiting room. He needed to get back to work, but he couldn't help stopping by. He walked down to her room and stood in the doorway. He looked at her deathly pale face and her near thin body. She looked terrible. Reaching for the handle, he stopped.
"Dr Grissom?" Leigh asked.
He turned. "Yes?"
She smiled. "Your patient from the hit and run is this way. You can get what you need now. She's sleeping." Grissom looked back at Sara and nodded. He turned away and followed the doctor. Just as he entered another room, Warrick left the elevator with a bag of chips and a coffee in his hands.
Just as the doctor said, Sara started to wake up after two days past. She slowly opened her eyes and turned her head. "Where am I?" She mumbled.
Nick was on watch tonight and moved to sit on the bed. "In the hospital Sara."
She looked up at him and furrowed her brows in confusion. "What happened?"
"Can't you remember?" He asked, pushing her hair from her face.
Closing her eyes, she nodded. "I slipped on some water and fell, but that's it." She moaned as her head started to ache.
Nick smiled. "A rather nasty cut and not to mention the messy state you were in."
"Huh?"
"Sara, when was the last time you ate?" He asked softly, squeezing her hand.
Sara sighed and opened her eyes. "Erm, was gonna have a sandwich, but it's probably on the floor now." She smiled and closed her eyes again.
"You can't remember can you?" He said more than asked.
She nodded. "Had a Chinese the night before." Which was true. She ate it and fell asleep on the couch.
"Well, you can go home in a few days. Doctor Leigh said you need your weight up. You were on a food tube for the first two days. They took it out this morning." He informed, helping her sit up.
"No wonder I feel tired. Like I just ate a happy meal and ready for a nap." She grinned.
Nick helped her with a glass of water and stood up. "You ok for a few minutes. I wanna call Warrick and Catherine." He smiled and left the room.
Sara closed her eyes once she watched the door close. She grimaced against the pain thumping in her head. "It'll go." Doctor Leigh said, walking into the room. "The painkillers will help the pain."
"Good, It's making he dizzy." Sara groaned.
Leigh smiled. "That's mainly the head injury and your body is exhausted. You haven't been looking after yourself have you?"
"I have, just not well. I've been really busy with work and I've had no time to rest." Sara explained.
"How much sleep have you gotten over the past few weeks?" Leigh asked, checking Sara's eyes and blood pressure.
Sara thought for a minute. "It's easier if I tell you how many over the past three months and it's not much. A few hours a day tops. I'd work a double, then got home for about 5 hours before I'm back at work."
Leigh sighed, not happy. "And you have to fit food, sleep and hygiene into those wee hours?"
Sara nodded. "Yup. Perils of a night job."
"And a stupid boss." Came a voice from the door.
Sara didn't even bother to look away from the doctor. "A stupid boss doesn't help matters." She said grimly.
Leigh nodded and gave a sympathetic smile. "I'll come by and check on you later. Bye Dr Grissom."
"Bye." He said quietly, moving aside to let her by. He closed the door, but stood against the wall. "How are you feeling?"
"Been better." She replied in a hard tone. He looked at the floor and stuffed his hands into his jacket pocket. "What are you doing here?" Her tone was still hard, she didn't want to see him. If she wasn't allowed to see him for three months, she didn't see a reason why she had to see him.
Taking a moment, he looked up. "I wanted to see how you were." His eyes were looking her over, following the line from her hand.
"I'm fine. You don't need to be here." She still had her eyes closed, but she turned her head away.
He nodded. "In that case," He said slowly, turning to the door and opening it. "Get well soon. See you at work." He winced at his words and closed the door after him.
"Not likely." She whispered. She mentally kicked herself when she felt a tear slide down her check. She swore she'd never cry again, especially if it concerned him.
Sara spent two more days in hospital. She managed to get more sleep than she had in three weeks put together.. Nick had fixed her door and tided up. Warrick actually fixed the fridge and toaster. He inspected the apartment and fixed the light in the hall and Catherine stocked up the fridge, changed the sheets on the bed and cleaned the bathroom.
Sara was completely baffled when she walked through her door. "I don't live here. It's." She chuckled. "Too clean." Nick pushed her in and made her sit down. Warrick placed her bag in the bedroom whilst Catherine made some coffee. "You didn't have to do this guys. I would have gotten around to it."
"Yeah, like the day you get out of hospital? Not likely. Anyway, with you working so much lately, I thought you could use some quiet time. The doctor said no work for a month, so that's what's gonna happen." Nick grinned and took a coffee mug as Catherine placed them on the coffee table.
Sara looked down at her cup and sighed. "Yeah, well. I wanted to talk to you about that."
Warrick came back into the living room and sat on the floor by the table. "Talk about what?"
"Work. I'm not sure I'm coming back."
Everyone stared at her and she sighed again, placing her cup on the table. "You're quitting?" Nick asked.
Sara shook her head and shrugged. "I'm not sure yet. I was thinking of transferring."
That didn't get the response she was looking for. Nick shot up and started pacing. "Grissom's transferred you, hasn't he?"
"No." She said slowly.
"Then why are you gonna leave? If it's not Grissom, then what is it?" Nick asked, stopping and looking at her. Sara looked down at her hands. She finally stood on shaky legs and walked to her bedroom.
"Oh, brilliant Nick." Catherine huffed and got up to follow her. "Sara, Sara, you know Nick's just upset." She said, knocking on the bedroom door and pushing it slightly open. She saw Sara laying on the bed on her side. "He's right though, isn't he? He didn't transfer you, but he might as well have."
Sara didn't say anything for a while and felt the bed shift slightly. Catherine sat down and brushed Sara's hair back. "Don't know why he didn't three months ago. Would have saved me the trouble of all this pain and him the bother of having to work with me." She sniffled.
Catherine heard the pain in her friends voice and tugged on her shoulder. Sara turned over and curled into a ball. "Did something happen?" She knew something happened, but she didn't know what.
Looking across the bed, Sara shrugged. "Should have listened to my head instead of my foolish heart." Tears fell, but she didn't bother to wipe them away. "You know, we've kno-" She stopped and sighed. "We knew each other for a long time before I came to Vegas. Should have listened to my head then too."
"Are you going to leave because of Grissom?" Catherine asked quietly, rubbing Sara's arm lightly.
Sara closed her eyes and wiped the tears away before looking up at Catherine. "If I knew this would happen because I followed my heart for four years. I would never have come here. I would have stayed in my run down flat in San Francisco and stayed a CSI 2. Would have saved me the hassle of being blown up, nearly dying and being rejected by every bloke who came near me."
Catherine shook her head. "Don't think like that hon. Being blown up shows you things. Tells you to get on with life."
"Yeah and I tried that. Didn't work and I'm still here, alone and reliving every minute of it." Sara said, dejectedly. Shaking the thoughts from her head, she sighed. "I'm sorry Cath. I'm rambling. I'm tired anyway. I'm gonna sleep for a while."
Catherine nodded and pulled the blanket from the foot of the bed, over her. "I'll see you soon Sara. Get some rest."
Nick looked up from his coffee as Catherine came out. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset her."
"It's ok Nicky. It's not you she's upset about. She's feeling really low. We better go. We've all got shift tonight." Catherine assured and started for the door. Warrick got up and headed for the door. Nick placed the cups in the sink and followed them.
After a good 7 hours sleep, Sara showered and made something hot to eat. She sat on the couch and ate as she watched a soppy romance. She'd forgotten how nice it was to just sit and relax for ten minutes after a good nights sleep and a nice hot meal.
Since she was a little girl, she wanted to grow up and be a scientist. Get a nice job she enjoyed, a nice place to live and someone to share it all with. Well, two out of three's not bad. She still enjoyed her job, but it was just too much lately. She needed time to collect her scattered thoughts and try and fine some semblance of reality and life. Not like it would matter now anyway. She scared the one person she cared about and found out that he wouldn't touch her with a barge pole. He could have at least said that. Might not have hurt so much.
For the first year, she could have sworn he was flirting with her, must have been her imagination playing tricks on her. She must have looked like a desperate fool to pine over her boss for three years. She always scares men into avoiding her. Should have realised it would happen to the only person that mattered. Obviously, she was never meant to be happy.
All the negative thought running through her head came so suddenly, she didn't even realise she was crying. All the emotional upheaval was making her tired and depressed. Might as well go back to bed and stay there. She had to take her painkillers anyway, her head was hurting. They'd knock her out soon after she takes them, so she'd sleep for a few more hours.
Doing that, she did sleep, but not the peaceful kind. Sara woke up in a cold sweat and gasping for air. She quickly ran her fingers down each arm as she checked for glass. She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them as she started to cry. How much more can she take? Why was life being so cruel to her?
Two weeks of sleep and laziness followed by numerous tears and comfort foods in front of old movies. Sara managed to get out to run a few days after being home. She hadn't run in a while, but she decided she needed to get out for an hour. Warrick, Catherine and Nick stopped by and they would talk, they also rang to see how she was or ask about one of her past cases.
Not surprisingly though, no contact from Grissom. Just proves that he never really cared and that he was cold and dead inside. Sara knew that deep down, he must have been with the living at one time. Perhaps he even felt something at one time, but suppressed it.
Well, it was the day to make up her mind about work and when she did, she acted on it before she could change her mind. She rang in and sent all the papers off. She quit and was happy about it. She actually felt some happiness, but then she'd remember that she really wasn't happy unless she worked a case with her friends.
She would just have to make new friends. She has plenty saved to not work for a while. She has time to figure out what she wants to do with the rest of her life. What she didn't count on the next day her letter of termination arrived on her bosses desk, was the boss himself standing in her doorway and asking why she was leaving.
"It's all explained in the letter Grissom." Sara went to close the door, but he put his hand out and held it open.
He licked his lips in thought and looked down. "Is this about what happened?"
Sara relented on the door and sighed. "And what exactly happened?"
"The dinner thing?" He asked, looking up.
She leaned against the doorframe and glared at him. "Why would that have anything to do with me leaving Grissom?"
He dropped his eyes from hers. "If this isn't about that, then what is it?"
"You know, I'm surprised you know where I live Grissom. Did you have to check my file for that?" She glared at him, changing the subject completely.
He narrowed his eyes at the question. "What? No. I've always know where you live Sara. What's that got to do with anything?" He asked, utterly confused.
"Absolutely nothing." She answered with a sigh. Why would he know? He's never even thought about calling or stopping by.
"Why won't you tell me?" He shifted from one foot to the other and looked at her.
Sara shook her head in exasperation. She laughed dryly. "I don't believe this. You want to know why I'm leaving and you want me to tell you, when you know exactly why, you're just ignoring the reason like you do anything remotely personal."
He turned away briefly and ran a hand through his hair. "This is about you asking me to dinner. Why can't you just admit it?"
"Why can't you just come out with things? I've been working at the lab for four years and not one time did you ignore me like you have down for the last 4 months. I worked solo without one complaint and look where it got me. I ended up in hospital and giving up my job. I can't work like that any more. I couldn't believe that one question would make you so angry with me. Well, I don't care what you do anymore Grissom, because it has nothing to do with me." She pushed herself of the doorframe and reached for the door, just as she went to close it, Grissom turned back to her.
"I was never angry with you Sara."
She scoffed. "Like I believe that." And slammed her door shut.
Grissom stared at the door and frowned. He was about to turn away to leave when he decided that he wasn't going to leave it at that. He raised his hand to knock, but stopped. instead. "I was never angry Sara!" He shouted. "It had nothing to do with you!" He placed his hand on the door and dropped his head. "It was me." He said quietly. "Please let me explain." He pleaded into the warm wood, his forehead resting on the door.
Sara wiped the tears from her eyes and opened the door. "What's there to explain? I could have lived with being let down Grissom, but avoiding me like the plague was something I couldn't."
He stood up straight and placed his hand on the doorframe as he leaned inside the doorway slightly. "I was avoiding you, but it wasn't because of your invitation."
She snorted. "Certainly looked like it."
He took a small breath and frowned. "It's hard to explain, but I can try."
"Why should I listen? You've not listened to a thing I've said since this began. I've given up on any hope of us actually getting along any more. I don't want to talk about it. I'm sick of being left behind and being lined up for the punches you seem to give out. I'm tired of your pathetic excuses. Just say what you mean. Just tell me you don't care, you never have and never will. It's plain to see, but apparently my heart's glutton for more punishment." She knew she was crying, but she couldn't help it. There was no point to hiding anymore.
Grissom looked at her with concerned blue eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't realise-"
"You never do." She sighed and turned away. She sat on the couch and pulled her blanket around her.
He shut the door and walked a few steps into the room. "I didn't realise I was hurting you Sara."
"What a crock of shit Grissom!" She shouted. Glaring at him, she growled. "You are a fucking genius and your telling me you didn't know you were hurting me? Well I'm sorry, but I am human and I do have feelings, believe it or not. I'm not a machine like you." She turned her head away and wiped her eyes.
Standing there in silence, he looked down. Had Warrick been talking about him? He was the only one he could remember calling him that. He wasn't a machine. He was human too, with emotions. "Why doesn't anyone see that I have emotions too?" He said quietly, shaking his head.
"Probably because you never show them." She said just as quietly.
Grissom moved a few steps forward and placed his hand on the TV. "I'm sorry, Sara. I really am."
"What does it matter now? It's not like you can actually tell me why you've been acting the way you have. If it's not me and it's you, why have you been pushing me away? I thought we were friends." She asked, her voice strained, but calm.
"We are friends. That's never changed." He stressed, sitting on the couch. He faced her and looked at her closely. She was wrapped in the blanket, but she wasn't looking at him. "This isn't easy for me Sara." He breathed, rubbing his eyes.
She sighed and leaned her head on her hand. "Yeah, well. It's not easy for me either."
He nodded and sat back. "I haven't been pushing you away exactly. I've been. avoiding something that has been right in front of me since the first day we met." He confessed, staring at his hands.
"Me." She said tiredly.
"No!" He groaned and turned to her again. "Just listen, please. I haven't told this to anyone and I'm trying really hard not to make things worse." She looked at him for a few seconds and nodded for him to continue. He took a deep breath and stared at her face. "I was married once."
Sara's head snapped up and looked at him. "You were married?"
He nodded and smiled as he remembered. "Yes. I was very happy. This was before I was supervisor and before I met you."
"Who was she?"
Grissom's smile got wider. "Her name was Emily. I met her in the store one day. She dropped a huge box of dog biscuits on my foot and the bag split. I helped her and we went our separate ways, but a week later she rang me. She saw my name in the paper and got my number from a friend in the police department." He chuckled and ran his hand through his hair. "We dated for a year and we moved into an apartment. After a while, we got married and bought a house." He looked down then and the smile faded.
Sara turned to face him and pulled her blanket tighter around her as she listened. "What happened?"
"She was killed in a car crash." He whispered and let out a ragged breath.
Sara watched him closely and she felt her heart ache for him. After what he did, she couldn't stop feeling something for him. "How hold was she?"
Grissom rubbed his eyes from the redness and stinging. "Erm. 35 and my son was 5 months old."
"Oh god Grissom. I'm so sorry." She gasped, reaching out to squeeze his hand.
He looked at her hand and covered it with his. "I promised myself I would never be in that position again Sara. I promised to never let another person into my heart. I caused her to leave and take my child. If I'd been more aware and not been stupid. She'd be alive today and so would Justin." He was in tears by now, but he was trying hard to keep her from seeing them.
"What could you have done?" She asked softly.
He shrugged. "I could have been home more and been there for her. We never argued, but once it started, they never stopped. After a week, she decided that we needed time apart." He breathed in slowly. "I didn't realise she wasn't coming back. I lost both because I was too wrapped up in my work."
Sara moved closer and brought her other hand up to touch his cheek, but he pulled away and released her hand as he stood. "Grissom?"
He wiped his eyes and turned his back on her. "Now you know why I don't let people in. I've never let people in since that day. I can't. I drove them away and lost them both. I can't let that happen again."
"You didn't cause the crash Grissom. That wasn't you." She stressed.
"They are still dead." He sighed.
Sara got up and walked to him. She placed her hand on his shoulder. "What were you avoiding?"
He was quiet for a few seconds. "You mean when we first met?"
"Yes." She gently rubbed his shoulder.
"Erm." He groaned and stepped away from her hand. "It wasn't you, it was the thought of you."
Sara was confused. "The thought of me?"
He nodded and turned around to face her. "I couldn't stop thinking about you and I didn't know why. I went home and I still couldn't stop thinking about this full of life, smart and funny CSI."
"That was when we first met, what changed?" She asked, stepping closer.
Grissom reached out and stopped her. He squeezed her arm and looked into her eyes. "Each letter, each phone call, each e-mail. It made it harder to forget you. I tried to, but nothing worked. I thought if you worked with me, then I'd forget, but it only got stronger." He stopped and dropped his eyes quickly.
"What got stronger?"
He looked back up. "My feelings for you got stronger." He confessed quietly.
Sara closed her eyes and turned away. Now he decides to tell her. After all that's happened, he tells her that he does or did have feelings for her. What was she supposed to do now? Did he expect her to just listen to him and everything will go back to normal?
"Sara?" He watched her shoulders shake. "What's wrong?" He grasped her shoulders lightly and turned her.
"You had feelings for me at one point, great. Now what? What will any of what you told me, explain what you've been doing to me for the past four years?" She asked on a gasp of breath. She wiped a tear away and looked down.
Grissom gently wiped another stray tear away. "It doesn't really explain it all, but it does explain that I didn't have feelings for you at one point." He paused and brushed his thumb over her cheek. "The problem is, that I've never stopped having feelings for you."
Shaking her head, she started to cry. "I can't do this anymore. I'm sick and tired of waiting. My heart can't take anymore of your games Grissom. Our last battle had me give you all I had left in me and you shot me down. I don't want this anymore." She turned away and walked back to the couch, but didn't sit.
"They are not games, Sara. This is my life." He said angrily.
She turned sharply and snapped. "It's mine too."
"It wasn't just your heart on the line Sara. It was mine too. When Emily and Justin died, so did I. I never thought I'd feel the same way I did for Emily, but that changed when I met you. Can't you see that?" He pressed, walking up to her and turning her to face him. "You are the only person who made this heart beat again. So many have tried and failed and you didn't even have to try. Don't you get it?"
She shook her head. "No! It only means that I'm still alone with a broken heart because you can't leave the past in the past and move on with your life. I don't get it at all." She said angrily, staring him in the face.
He stared right back. How could she not see it? Surely she could see what she does to him. He looked into her eyes and looked hard, trying to read her soul. She felt something, but what? They didn't move for a long time, just stared at each other. Grissom's hands were on Sara's upper arms, holding with no pressure.
"Why can't you just say it?" She whispered, breaking the silence.
Grissom flinched and his concentration was broken. He consider her question and closed his eyes. "I care for you," He breathed, opening his eyes. "but it's more than that." He continued quietly. "I never thought I could tell another woman this in my life, but you made my heart beat again. You made me want to live."
"You avoided me and practically punished me for something I didn't do, whatever that was." She said, looking down.
Punished? "You didn't do anything."
Sara sighed. "Back to square one." She tried to pull away, but his grip tightened. She looked up and narrowed her eyes at him.
"Everyone makes mistakes Sara. I've made plenty."
"I've made mine and look what happened. A boss who'd rather take me from my friends and send me to work solo while he gets to run the lab like I wasn't even there. My mistake was coming to Vegas." She seethed.
He frowned. "You don't mean that."
She nodded and tried to pull away again. "I wouldn't have said it otherwise. If I stayed where I was, I might have found someone who actually gave shit about me and worked with my friends instead of being split from my them so I wouldn't talk to them about being turned down by my boss." She knew why he kept her busy. He didn't want anyone knowing he was asked out by her. Who would it have hurt more, him or her?
"It's true." He smiled. Sara stopped moving and furrowed her brows in confusion. He was smiling, ok. She has to be imagining that. "I didn't want you to mention it to anyone."
"And you don't know me very well."
His smiled faded. "I know you're a passionate person. I know you would go out of your way to help a friend. I know you like chicken sandwiches. I know you feel something for me, but are just as scared as me to admit it." His voice was soft as he released her arms and cupped her face. "I know you sneak beef jerky from my fridge in my office and I know you wake up in a cold sweat after a hard case. I know you more than you think and I only know this because I fell in love with you and I can't seem to get you out of my head." His confession made Sara's eye's water. She was crying and he was getting closer. "I love you Sara. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to admit it." He breathed against her lips. The kiss was so light, she didn't even feel it, but the second was harder and she felt it.
Her heart was in overdrive. Her breathing had escalated so fast, it was making her head spin. She grasped onto his belt to hold her up. Grissom slipped one arm around her waist and pulled her to him. His hand gently caressed her cheek as he deepened the kiss. Sara pushed her arms around his waist and stepped so close, she was pressed up against him.
Slowly, the kiss broke and Sara stepped away from him. "This hasn't changed a thing." She whispered and turned away. Her hand came up to touch her lips.
Grissom was breathing heavily as he opened his eyes and stared at her back. "Sara?"
She shook her head and dropped her hand. "The second you start analysing what's happened, you'll avoid me twice as much."
"That won't happen." He said quietly.
She turned her head slightly and wrapped her arms around her. "Are you sure?" He thought for a minute, looking down in concentration. Sara nodded and walked to the front door. "I know you too Grissom, but what you didn't mention was that you are ashamed to even be near me."
Grissom's head snapped up. "That's not true Sara." He said strongly, following her.
"Avoiding me was just one way to never see me or speak to me. I would be in a room and you would stay as far away as possible. I'd call that ashamed to be associated with me." She opened the door.
He watched her open the door and step back. "What are you doing?"
She never took her eyes from the floor. "I'm asking you to leave and never come back." Her voice was a painful whisper.
He didn't move. He stood in the middle of the hall and looked at her. His heart was pounding in his chest. She was telling him to forget everything he felt for her. How could she ask him that? He'd just told her he loved her and she was ignoring it. "Why?"
"Why what?" She asked, lifting her head.
"Why are you disregarding everything that's happened here?" He asked, his chest started to hurt and his eyes started to sting.
Sara looked at him briefly and closed her eyes, turning her head away. "I told you that by the time you figured it out, you'd be too late. It's too late."
He swallowed hard. "It's never too late Sara."
"In this case. it is." She brushed the tears away and pushed on the door.
Grissom walked towards her, took the door handle and pushed it closed. He was standing close, looking down at her. "I will leave, only if you answer one question."
Her eyes were closed as she listened to him and felt his body so close. She could feel his breath on her face as he spoke. "What is it?"
He raised his right hand and gently cupped her cheek, tilting her head up. "Look at me." He pleaded quietly. Sara opened her eyes slowly. His eyes locked onto hers as he forced the words out. "Do you love me?"
She couldn't stop the tears falling. They pooled down her cheeks and onto his hand. His thumb brushed against her sticky skin as he waited for an answer. After what seemed like an eternity, she closed her eyes and looked down. "Yes."
"Then don't leave." It was a whispered plea. "Please Sara."
"I can't stay." She said hoarsely. "You broke my heart Grissom. I've tried to do as you wanted. I did as you asked. I can't live in the shadows any more."
His hand slid down to her neck and continued to feel her skin beneath his fingers. The friction was sending sparks through both, but the cuts were too deep. "Let me try Sara. Let me try and fix things."
She shook her head slowly. "It wasn't just my heart Grissom. You broke me down to a level I thought impossible. You think telling me about your past will explain why you hurt me, but what it did was explain that it was you all along that was punishing me for what Emily did." She looked up to gauge his reaction. His pain was clearly seen in his eyes. His wall was no longer up. "I didn't deserve to be punished for something I never did and that I could never do."
"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I never meant to hurt you." He apologised, but it seemed pointless now. She didn't seem to want to listen. "Can you let me try?" He asked softly. "It's taken loosing you to finally make me face my past. Don't let me make another mistake and let you leave. I can't do it anymore. I can't avoid you any longer."
Sara gave into the urge to touch him. She brought her hands up and touched his face. Running her fingers through his hair, following her fingers with her eyes as she traced his jaw and chin. Grissom's eyes had closed the instant she touched him. His breathing was irregular and she could feel his heartbeat pounding against his chest.
She slowly wrapped her arms around his waist and felt her tears continue to fall when he stepped closer and put his arms around her. Holding her to him tightly. "Please don't leave me. I need you." He whispered, burying his face into her neck.
"Everybody will know if I come back." She said quietly.
He sighed and raised his head, pulling back to look at her. "This is between you and me. I don't care what everyone else thinks anymore." He watched her smile. She reached up and placed her hand on the side of her head. Grissom covered her hand and pulled it away. "Does it still hurt?" He asked, looking at the healing scar as he pushed her hair aside.
"Not really, just itches."
He smiled and leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the scar and hugging her again. "I'm sorry for all that I've done."
She leaned her head against his chest. "I know. It's just going to take time to forgot it all."
"Can we start again?" He asked softly.
Rubbing her cheek across his cotton shirt, she sighed. "No."
"Sara, please."
She smiled and raised her head. "I don't want to start again."
He watched her for a few seconds before smiling. "Then, what happens next?"
Sara shrugged and stepped back. She ran one hand down his arm to his hand and squeezed it. "Let's get something to eat."
Grissom chuckled and closed his eyes, pulling her against his chest. "I'll make everything up to you. I promise."
"Don't make promises, just follow your heart. If you say your human," She tilted her head up and grinned. "Prove it." She challenged.
He looked into her eyes, then to her lips. He dipped his head and brushed his lips across hers. "What does your heart say?" He murmured.
She giggled, kissing the corner of his mouth. "That you're an asshole, but I love you anyway." Grissom laughed and kissed her with all the love he felt for her.
THE END
Author: Moggie
Pairing: G/? Category: Drama, Angst, Romance Rating: PG-13 Summary: Life can be cruel if you don't watch out. Spoilers: Possibly Season 2 and 3 Disclaimer: I do not under any circumstances own CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. Notes: Be patient, it's all going to come together.
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The morning mist was layering the horizon and the air was making the grass damp. Two people clung to each other, not willing to let go. Their link was still too strong. The taxi was packed and was ready to leave. The driver pressed the horn, indicating it was time to go.
"I'll miss you." She breathed into his neck.
He wouldn't let go, his arms tightened around her. "I won't let you go. You can't leave me." He said strongly, painfully and sorrowfully.
"We both know its for the best." She started to cry into his neck. "Gil, let me go."
"No!" He choked and held her to him.
She pulled her arms from him and pushed back on his chest. "Please Gil, no more goodbyes." She pleaded, raising her hand to his face, caressing his cheek softly.
"If you leave, I will never forgive you." His eyes were filled with tears as he looked into hers and begged her to stay.
"If I stay, we'll continue to hurt each other. I can't see you in pain. Let me go. Just to see what happens-" He dropped his head slightly and interrupted her.
"What will happen. is that my heart will die." He whispered.
She tilted her head to one side and wiped her tears as he slowly released her and let her step away. "I'll miss you." She whispered.
He closed his eyes briefly before looking behind her at the taxi. "I'll miss you both." His tears fell as it started to rain. He watched as she turned away and climbed into the car. He brought his hands up to his face as the rain washed the tears from his cheeks. He tried to wipe them away, but the rain wasn't helping, replacing the tears with raindrops. Through his clouded eyes, he saw his life drive away and felt his heart fold in on itself and drop to the pit of his stomach to hide where it was never going to come out from.
He never saw them again. The next day he got a phone call from the police. The taxi had been crushed under a refrigerated truck. Everyone inside the taxi were killed instantly. Since that day he never once let anyone in. He completely shut himself off to the world. He closed his heart and buried himself in his work.
Four years later he decided to take up a friends offer of teaching a seminar to eager students. These students were young CSI's, level 1's and 2's. They chose to expand their knowledge of the forensic world and take a class. That's when Grissom met an extraordinary woman. Her name was Sara Sidle. So full of life and very interested in anything to do with forensics. They talked after the class finished and after exchanging phone numbers and e-mail addresses, Grissom went home.
Over a year, they kept in contact through the e-mails they sent and a rare phone call. They mainly talked about cases, but would ask how the other was. He liked talking to her, she was smart, funny and enthusiastic about everything. She was young too, but when he would talk to her, the age difference didn't seem to stop them from laughing and enjoying each other's company.
For two and half years they kept in touch. He even helped on two occasions. Sara was working for the San Francisco Crime Lab and had asked for some help on two specific cases. Both involved bugs and Grissom's speciality was Entomology. While he was in her neck of the woods, they talked like they'd known each other for years. They had, but rarely had they seen each other, only through the letters, e-mails and the phone system.
One horrible shift at the lab, Grissom was suddenly put in charge of the Las Vegas Crime Lab. A rookie CSI was shot and another was under internal affairs for leaving a crime scene. His name was Warrick Brown and was told to shadow the rookie, Holly Gribbs, after having an argument with his boss. The former boss, Detective Jim Brass. Brass was shifted back to homicide. Gil Grissom took Brass's job as supervisor.
A telephone call from the hospital told the nightshift of the lab, that Holly died in surgery and Warrick brown was on suspension. Everything went down hill from there. Grissom was suddenly over run with paperwork and cases. His one time nightmare was paperwork, but his worse nightmare was a crime scene with no CSI. He made one phone call and when he asked, she came. No questions. He said he needed her help and she dropped everything and moved to Las Vegas.
Now, four years later, Sara Sidle worked the Las Vegas Crime Lab with the rest of the nightshift team; Nick Stokes, Warrick Brown, Catherine Willows and Gil Grissom. Over the four years she lived in Vegas, she'd seen more than her fair share of death and decay. 'Sin city' lived up to it's reputation. On a few occasions the nights would be quiet, but other nights, it would be none stop dead bodies popping up everywhere.
The team had put there differences that appeared when Sara first arrived, behind them. At first it was the challenge with Catherine about not being the only woman on the team any more and the fact that Sara appeared from nowhere to take over her case. Then there was Warrick, the conflict with working with each other. It was difficult to work with someone you were investigation only the week before. After a while, they pushed that fact into the past and got to know each other. Then there was Nick, the Texan ladies man. They became friends, best friends over the years and would talk to each other about everything.
Well, not quite everything. Sara didn't talk about her relationships and her personal life that much. It was a no go area for anyone. She tried hard to keep her personal life separate from work, but it would seep into it at various times, depending on the case or the mood she was in. On this particular night, she was in a foul mood. She wouldn't talk to anyone in case she snapped at them. She would stay out of peoples way and get on with her solo case, once again.
SOLO, she's been working solo cases for the past two months. What was there not to be pissed about? She loved solos, not! She goes out on a limb to face her long time fear and it turns around a bites her in the ass. If she'd stopped for one minute, she would have seen that he didn't feel a single thing for her. Instead, she makes a fool out of herself and asks him to dinner. Shot down on her very first try. Nothing like fate huh? Never meant to be, obviously.
Driving down the I-15 at 4 in the morning, Sara relaxed back into her seat and listened to the absolute silence of the interstate. Not even the radio was on, just the air conditioning and the whoosh of the air bristling past the speeding car. She lightly tapped her nails on the door as she hung her hand slightly outside the window. All she wanted to do, was get to Goodsprings, process the scene, get back to the lab and get home. She really needed some sleep, these cases have been keeping her too busy and she hadn't even seen Nick or Warrick in three days. She was always out in the field.
She did see Catherine a few times, but only a passing 'hi' and 'how are you' before they got out of ear and eye shot to talk any longer. So far, she'd been lucky and not seen her boss for more than, 'solo' and she'd be off with a case slip in hand and a very bad feeling that she was in for a double. She could handle it, so she kept telling herself. Two hours of sleep a night and she was ready to follow up a lead.
One of the reason's she avoided sleep lately, was the horrifying image of glass cutting her up and the force of the explosion throwing her into a near-by wall. She couldn't sleep after that nightmare in particular. The day was a reminder in every way. Never follow your heart around the lab, never show your heart around the lab and never speak with your heart unless you want it trampled on. All in one shift and it was a remarkable feeling of sadness that settled on her heart, when she realised there was no point in being happy if you were on death's door and rejected.
It was obvious after two years of avoidance and being blown up, that she was never meant to be happy. So, in the end, she just gave up and threw herself into her work. Even that proved to be against her. No matter what she did in life, it always turned around and gave her the worst it had. There was no point in anything anymore, she might as well give it all up and do what she planned to do three years ago. 'Leave'
2 hours of processing, she collected up her kit and started for her car. As she put her kit in the back, she snagged her forearm on a rusted piece of metal sticking out of the door. She hissed and cursed quietly and sighed. It just added to the heaviness in her heart, that nothing was going right. She opened her first aid kit as she climbed into the drivers seat. Cleaning the cut, she just put a plaster on it. It would do until she got home.
Brass was watching from his car. He'd been trying to talk to her, ask her if she was alright, but she didn't say anything, just got on with her work. He'd noticed that she was closing herself off to everyone since that incident in the lab, not to mention she pulled a gun on a suspect whilst still in shock from being thrown into a wall by the lab explosion. She didn't look well and she looked. distant.
After yet another 7 hours of sorting through evidence and following leads to a suspect. Sara let Brass to arrest the man responsible and went home. She had just under 5 hours to shower, eat and sleep before she had to go back to work. Showering was first on the agenda and sleep was the second. She could always get something at the lab. Managing a good uninterrupted 3 hours sleep, she got dressed and head into work. It had just gone 7 o'clock when she walked through the door.
Reaching into the fridge for a juice, she was stopped when her pager went off. She picked the juice cartoon up as she read the message. She sighed and put the juice back. Another case. She'll stop by a coffee shop or something. As she was walking to the front desk, Nick came through the door.
"Wow. Haven't seen you in a while. What you been doing Sar?" Nick grinned as he pulled his coat off.
Sara took the case slip from the receptionist as she turned to Nick. "Working Nicky. I gotta go. Another case. See you around." With that she left him standing in the lobby with a frown and a worrying feeling.
Nick walked to the break room and sat next to Warrick. "You seen Sara?" Nick asked.
Warrick looked up from his paper and shook his head "Just got here bro. Why?"
"I just saw her leave for a crime scene." Nick said, reaching for the sports magazine.
"Didn't know she was working solo again. She's probably wreaked. I haven't seen her in four days. She look ok?" Warrick asked, clearly concerned.
Nick thought back for a second and sighed. "To be honest, she looked like death warmed up. I think she's lost weight too. I'm starting to worry man."
Catherine walked in and grabbed a coffee. She looked at the boys. "Where's Sara?"
"Solo, just left." Nick informed and turned to her. "Have you spoken to her? She don't look too good."
Nodding, Catherine sat down. "I saw her yesterday for 5 seconds tops. She did look really tired and I think she's loosing weight."
Nick pointed to Catherine and looked at Warrick. "See, Cath noticed. Something's not right."
"What's not right?" Grissom asked as he entered the room with a file open in his hands.
Catherine put her coffee down. "Sara." Grissom nodded and looked back at the file as he sat down. "You're not going to ask why?" She asked, puzzled.
He shook his head. "It's got nothing to do with me." He said distantly.
Nick furrowed his brows at the older man. "Griss man, she's part of this team too."
"I know that Nick." Grissom snapped.
"Yeah, right." Nick mumbled.
Grissom sighed. "What was that?"
Nick turned back to his boss and sat up in his seat. "If she's part of this team, why isn't she working with us anymore? I haven't seen her in nearly a week. I just saw her on her way to a crime scene, solo, again and she look horrible. She's not well Griss. Take a look once in a while." Nick pushed himself up angrily and left the room. Warrick's chair screeched across the floor as he got up and followed him.
Catherine stared at Grissom, waiting for some kind of reaction from Nick's outburst. When he looked back down at the file, she reached across and snatched it from his hands. He glared at her. "Catherine!"
She gritted her teeth and leaned towards him across the table. "What the hell has gotten into you?"
"Nothing. Can you please give me that back?" He asked, ignoring her question.
Catherine tossed the file to the other end of the table. She sat back and crossed her arms over her chest, staring intently at her boss and friend. He sat there with his eyes on the file and his hands, flat on the table. Suddenly she had a thought. "You're putting her on solo cases so she can't speak to us aren't you?"
"Don't be ridiculous." He scoffed and stood up.
Watching him walk out the room, she got up and followed him. "What is it then?"
Grissom walked into his office and sat down. "What's what?"
"Oh great, avoid my questions Gil, but if you don't do something, I'm going too." She turned and stomped off.
Grissom watched her go and sat back in his chair. What was there to do? Nothing, he'd already done what needed to be done. He'd avoided and pushed her away so she wouldn't get hurt and neither was he. If he kept her busy, then she would forget about everything that happened and get on with her life.
A week later and Sara climbed out of bed after another double. She only got 3 hours sleep yesterday, but she managed 4 today. When she stood under the spray of the shower, she felt dizzy. Turning the spray off, she brushed it off and got dressed. Walking through to her kitchen, she made herself a sandwich. She was putting the mayonnaise back in the fridge when she noticed the water coming from beneath it. Lovely, need a new fridge. She turned and looked out at the living room. Also a cleaner. She sighed and turned back to her sandwich, reaching for the plate, she picked it up and stepped back into the puddle of water. With only her socks on, she slipped and before knew it, her head was pounding and everything went black.
Nick checked his watch for the sixth time as he processed his case in the layout room. He'd tried to get back to the lab with the hopes of seeing Sara, but he hadn't. She must have got another case and be in the field. Working for another few hours, he managed to find some evidence that could close his case. Running with the lead, he stopped by the receptionist and asked if she'd seen Sara. She said 'no', but she did see her at four, when she went home.
"Home?"
She nodded. "Yeah, she was working another double. I don't know how she does it. She looked really pale and tired, but she keeps coming into work on time and leaving a for a few hours before shift starts again." She smiled and went back to work.
Nick rang Brass and went to meet him to arrest a suspect. On the way to the suspects workplace, he stopped by Sara's. Her car was parked a few spaces from her apartment, which was odd, although some biker was parked in her space. He wouldn't have thought Sara would let that happen. Nick decided to park and go up and check on her. Ringing Brass, he told him he'd meet them back at the station.
He knocked for a good 5 minutes, but got no answer. He tried shouting, but sill got no answer. He turned and stopped when an elderly lady stood on the landing, watching him. "Hi. erm. do you know Sara Sidle?" He asked sweetly.
She smiled and nodded. "Nice young girl. She's suppose to be at work, but I haven't seen her leave. She usually gets my mail for me, but I had to get it today."
Nick nodded and turned back to the door. "Have you spoken to her lately, Miss?"
"Miss Robins and no I haven't. Not today that is. I saw her come home about 4 and I know she leaves for work at 6.30, but I haven't heard a peep. I'm sorry young man." She turned and walked back into her apartment opposite Sara's
Getting a really bad gut feeling, Nick looked around the door and under the mat for a spare key, not finding one, he banged harder on the door. "SARA!" He shouted once again, but still no answer. Hoping she doesn't beat the crap out of him, he broke the lock on the door as he charged it. "Sara, you here?" Getting silence, he looked around the place. Looks like no one's lived in it awhile. The TV was dusty and the entertainment system was dust ridden too.
Looking in the bathroom and bedroom, he headed for the kitchen. Rounding the counter, he quickly dropped to his knees as he grabbed a towel. "Jesus Christ! Sara? Sara, can you hear me?" He pressed the towel through the blood that was pooling around her and tried to wake her. It was no use. She had a pulse and was breathing, but she wasn't waking up.
Dialling for an ambulance on his cell, he gave them the address and waited. He rang Warrick and told him to get to the hospital, but didn't tell him why. He couldn't explain because he needed something else to replace the blood soaked towel. Finding another one, he heard the door push open. "Nick Stokes?" Came a voice.
"In the kitchen. She's loosing so much blood." Nick called. The paramedics took over and got her to the hospital as quickly as they could.
Nick arrived after the ambulance and ran into Warrick. "What's going on Nick?"
"I went to Sara's to check on her, she didn't come into work. Figured she was on another solo, but I decided to place her place and found her car there. I stopped and when she didn't answer, I broke in and found her unconscious on her kitchen floor. Bleeding." Nick took a gasping breath and sat down before he past out. His head was spinning.
Warrick slumped into a seat beside him and ran his hand over his forehead. "Jesus Nick, she might have been dead before anyone found her. How bad was it?"
Nick sighed. "A very large gash on the side of her head. She must had hit the kitchen unit or something. The floor was soaked, so she might have slipped."
Sitting in silence for ten minutes, Warrick turned to Nick. "Should we ring in?"
"I'm not. I rang Brass on my way here and said to arrest the suspect without me. Told him I'd sign the reports later. Didn't tell him why." Nick said quietly.
Warrick shook his head. "No, I mean Catherine and Grissom?"
Nick ran his hand through his hair and leaned his elbows on his knees. "Ring Cath."
"What about Grissom, he'll want to know?"
Nick snorted. "Yeah, right. He's the last person that would want to know. Haven't you noticed, he's been sending her out on solo case so he doesn't even see her anymore. Let alone, we haven't seen her. I'm starting to think he wants to transfer her from the lab the way he's avoiding her."
Warrick looked down at the white and black tiles as his friend spoke. He had to agree, Grissom must want to get rid of her. It's not like they even talk any more. He must want to transfer her. "I see what you mean. I'll ring Cath."
A slow hour later, a female doctor walked towards them. "Nick Stokes?"
Nick stood up and shook the woman's hand. "Yes. Is Sara alright?"
The doctor nodded. "Yes, she needs plenty of rest and we are going to keep her in for a few days. She's very ill."
Warrick stood next to Nick and looked at the woman's name badge ' Anna Leigh'. "Doctor Leigh, she only hit her head, why's she staying in for a few days?"
Leigh sighed and motioned for them to follow her. "Sara isn't well, she's underweight and suffered a bad head injury. She's exhausted and probably won't wake up for two days anyway. We're feeding her through a tube to help get her weight back up and if she improves by the middle of the week, she can go home, but no working for at least a month. She needs rest and no stress."
Nick and Warrick were reeling at all the information. They shared concerned looks and followed Leigh to Sara's room. She left them alone to sit with their friend. Nick took Sara's hand that was hooked up to a drip, administering painkillers into her system for the head injury.
"I can't believe this!" Nick growled and kissed her hand. "What happened?"
Warrick sat on the edge of the bed and pushed her hair from her face. "She's so pale and thin." He whispered.
Just then, the door opened and Catherine walked in. "How is she?"
Nick looked up and sighed. "She's really ill. The doctor says she won't wake up for at least two days. That's without the head injury."
Catherine narrowed her eyes in confusion, but as soon as she approached the bed and saw Sara laying there, they filled with tears. "Oh my god!" She gasped. Warrick walked towards her and pulled her to him. "She's pale War."
"I know." He soothed. "Doctor Leigh's doing everything she can."
Nick nodded. "She said Sara could go home in a few days, but she's not to work for a month. She needs plenty of rest."
"Has someone told Grissom?" Catherine asked, looking down at Sara.
Warrick shook his head and turned to look out the window. "No point. He wouldn't care. We're going to take turns and stay here so she's not alone and we'll share out her cases while she's here."
Nick turned to them and stood. "I'm with Warrick. Grissom doesn't give a shit, otherwise he would have noticed something was wrong in the first place. We should have done something, but I haven't seen her longer that a few minutes for nearly three months, how about you Warrick?"
"It's true."
Catherine pulled out her cell and walked towards the door. "I'm gonna call him. Tell him where we all are."
"Yeah, like he cares." Nick scoffed and sat back on the bed.
Closing her phone, she sat on the bench in the hospital garden. She had told Grissom that Sara was in hospital and where they were, but she didn't give him time to reply to any of it. He'd tried to get a word in, but hopefully he'd get down to Desert Palm and find out for himself.
Catherine and Nick went home to sleep before they had to go into work. Warrick had the night off and stayed with Sara. He sat in the chair beside her bed and held her hand. The nurse kept checking her and making she her pupils were ok. Darkness descended the room and only a lamp in the corner was on. Deciding it was time for food, Warrick went down to the restaurant.
When Warrick entered the elevator, Grissom appeared from the waiting room. He needed to get back to work, but he couldn't help stopping by. He walked down to her room and stood in the doorway. He looked at her deathly pale face and her near thin body. She looked terrible. Reaching for the handle, he stopped.
"Dr Grissom?" Leigh asked.
He turned. "Yes?"
She smiled. "Your patient from the hit and run is this way. You can get what you need now. She's sleeping." Grissom looked back at Sara and nodded. He turned away and followed the doctor. Just as he entered another room, Warrick left the elevator with a bag of chips and a coffee in his hands.
Just as the doctor said, Sara started to wake up after two days past. She slowly opened her eyes and turned her head. "Where am I?" She mumbled.
Nick was on watch tonight and moved to sit on the bed. "In the hospital Sara."
She looked up at him and furrowed her brows in confusion. "What happened?"
"Can't you remember?" He asked, pushing her hair from her face.
Closing her eyes, she nodded. "I slipped on some water and fell, but that's it." She moaned as her head started to ache.
Nick smiled. "A rather nasty cut and not to mention the messy state you were in."
"Huh?"
"Sara, when was the last time you ate?" He asked softly, squeezing her hand.
Sara sighed and opened her eyes. "Erm, was gonna have a sandwich, but it's probably on the floor now." She smiled and closed her eyes again.
"You can't remember can you?" He said more than asked.
She nodded. "Had a Chinese the night before." Which was true. She ate it and fell asleep on the couch.
"Well, you can go home in a few days. Doctor Leigh said you need your weight up. You were on a food tube for the first two days. They took it out this morning." He informed, helping her sit up.
"No wonder I feel tired. Like I just ate a happy meal and ready for a nap." She grinned.
Nick helped her with a glass of water and stood up. "You ok for a few minutes. I wanna call Warrick and Catherine." He smiled and left the room.
Sara closed her eyes once she watched the door close. She grimaced against the pain thumping in her head. "It'll go." Doctor Leigh said, walking into the room. "The painkillers will help the pain."
"Good, It's making he dizzy." Sara groaned.
Leigh smiled. "That's mainly the head injury and your body is exhausted. You haven't been looking after yourself have you?"
"I have, just not well. I've been really busy with work and I've had no time to rest." Sara explained.
"How much sleep have you gotten over the past few weeks?" Leigh asked, checking Sara's eyes and blood pressure.
Sara thought for a minute. "It's easier if I tell you how many over the past three months and it's not much. A few hours a day tops. I'd work a double, then got home for about 5 hours before I'm back at work."
Leigh sighed, not happy. "And you have to fit food, sleep and hygiene into those wee hours?"
Sara nodded. "Yup. Perils of a night job."
"And a stupid boss." Came a voice from the door.
Sara didn't even bother to look away from the doctor. "A stupid boss doesn't help matters." She said grimly.
Leigh nodded and gave a sympathetic smile. "I'll come by and check on you later. Bye Dr Grissom."
"Bye." He said quietly, moving aside to let her by. He closed the door, but stood against the wall. "How are you feeling?"
"Been better." She replied in a hard tone. He looked at the floor and stuffed his hands into his jacket pocket. "What are you doing here?" Her tone was still hard, she didn't want to see him. If she wasn't allowed to see him for three months, she didn't see a reason why she had to see him.
Taking a moment, he looked up. "I wanted to see how you were." His eyes were looking her over, following the line from her hand.
"I'm fine. You don't need to be here." She still had her eyes closed, but she turned her head away.
He nodded. "In that case," He said slowly, turning to the door and opening it. "Get well soon. See you at work." He winced at his words and closed the door after him.
"Not likely." She whispered. She mentally kicked herself when she felt a tear slide down her check. She swore she'd never cry again, especially if it concerned him.
Sara spent two more days in hospital. She managed to get more sleep than she had in three weeks put together.. Nick had fixed her door and tided up. Warrick actually fixed the fridge and toaster. He inspected the apartment and fixed the light in the hall and Catherine stocked up the fridge, changed the sheets on the bed and cleaned the bathroom.
Sara was completely baffled when she walked through her door. "I don't live here. It's." She chuckled. "Too clean." Nick pushed her in and made her sit down. Warrick placed her bag in the bedroom whilst Catherine made some coffee. "You didn't have to do this guys. I would have gotten around to it."
"Yeah, like the day you get out of hospital? Not likely. Anyway, with you working so much lately, I thought you could use some quiet time. The doctor said no work for a month, so that's what's gonna happen." Nick grinned and took a coffee mug as Catherine placed them on the coffee table.
Sara looked down at her cup and sighed. "Yeah, well. I wanted to talk to you about that."
Warrick came back into the living room and sat on the floor by the table. "Talk about what?"
"Work. I'm not sure I'm coming back."
Everyone stared at her and she sighed again, placing her cup on the table. "You're quitting?" Nick asked.
Sara shook her head and shrugged. "I'm not sure yet. I was thinking of transferring."
That didn't get the response she was looking for. Nick shot up and started pacing. "Grissom's transferred you, hasn't he?"
"No." She said slowly.
"Then why are you gonna leave? If it's not Grissom, then what is it?" Nick asked, stopping and looking at her. Sara looked down at her hands. She finally stood on shaky legs and walked to her bedroom.
"Oh, brilliant Nick." Catherine huffed and got up to follow her. "Sara, Sara, you know Nick's just upset." She said, knocking on the bedroom door and pushing it slightly open. She saw Sara laying on the bed on her side. "He's right though, isn't he? He didn't transfer you, but he might as well have."
Sara didn't say anything for a while and felt the bed shift slightly. Catherine sat down and brushed Sara's hair back. "Don't know why he didn't three months ago. Would have saved me the trouble of all this pain and him the bother of having to work with me." She sniffled.
Catherine heard the pain in her friends voice and tugged on her shoulder. Sara turned over and curled into a ball. "Did something happen?" She knew something happened, but she didn't know what.
Looking across the bed, Sara shrugged. "Should have listened to my head instead of my foolish heart." Tears fell, but she didn't bother to wipe them away. "You know, we've kno-" She stopped and sighed. "We knew each other for a long time before I came to Vegas. Should have listened to my head then too."
"Are you going to leave because of Grissom?" Catherine asked quietly, rubbing Sara's arm lightly.
Sara closed her eyes and wiped the tears away before looking up at Catherine. "If I knew this would happen because I followed my heart for four years. I would never have come here. I would have stayed in my run down flat in San Francisco and stayed a CSI 2. Would have saved me the hassle of being blown up, nearly dying and being rejected by every bloke who came near me."
Catherine shook her head. "Don't think like that hon. Being blown up shows you things. Tells you to get on with life."
"Yeah and I tried that. Didn't work and I'm still here, alone and reliving every minute of it." Sara said, dejectedly. Shaking the thoughts from her head, she sighed. "I'm sorry Cath. I'm rambling. I'm tired anyway. I'm gonna sleep for a while."
Catherine nodded and pulled the blanket from the foot of the bed, over her. "I'll see you soon Sara. Get some rest."
Nick looked up from his coffee as Catherine came out. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset her."
"It's ok Nicky. It's not you she's upset about. She's feeling really low. We better go. We've all got shift tonight." Catherine assured and started for the door. Warrick got up and headed for the door. Nick placed the cups in the sink and followed them.
After a good 7 hours sleep, Sara showered and made something hot to eat. She sat on the couch and ate as she watched a soppy romance. She'd forgotten how nice it was to just sit and relax for ten minutes after a good nights sleep and a nice hot meal.
Since she was a little girl, she wanted to grow up and be a scientist. Get a nice job she enjoyed, a nice place to live and someone to share it all with. Well, two out of three's not bad. She still enjoyed her job, but it was just too much lately. She needed time to collect her scattered thoughts and try and fine some semblance of reality and life. Not like it would matter now anyway. She scared the one person she cared about and found out that he wouldn't touch her with a barge pole. He could have at least said that. Might not have hurt so much.
For the first year, she could have sworn he was flirting with her, must have been her imagination playing tricks on her. She must have looked like a desperate fool to pine over her boss for three years. She always scares men into avoiding her. Should have realised it would happen to the only person that mattered. Obviously, she was never meant to be happy.
All the negative thought running through her head came so suddenly, she didn't even realise she was crying. All the emotional upheaval was making her tired and depressed. Might as well go back to bed and stay there. She had to take her painkillers anyway, her head was hurting. They'd knock her out soon after she takes them, so she'd sleep for a few more hours.
Doing that, she did sleep, but not the peaceful kind. Sara woke up in a cold sweat and gasping for air. She quickly ran her fingers down each arm as she checked for glass. She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them as she started to cry. How much more can she take? Why was life being so cruel to her?
Two weeks of sleep and laziness followed by numerous tears and comfort foods in front of old movies. Sara managed to get out to run a few days after being home. She hadn't run in a while, but she decided she needed to get out for an hour. Warrick, Catherine and Nick stopped by and they would talk, they also rang to see how she was or ask about one of her past cases.
Not surprisingly though, no contact from Grissom. Just proves that he never really cared and that he was cold and dead inside. Sara knew that deep down, he must have been with the living at one time. Perhaps he even felt something at one time, but suppressed it.
Well, it was the day to make up her mind about work and when she did, she acted on it before she could change her mind. She rang in and sent all the papers off. She quit and was happy about it. She actually felt some happiness, but then she'd remember that she really wasn't happy unless she worked a case with her friends.
She would just have to make new friends. She has plenty saved to not work for a while. She has time to figure out what she wants to do with the rest of her life. What she didn't count on the next day her letter of termination arrived on her bosses desk, was the boss himself standing in her doorway and asking why she was leaving.
"It's all explained in the letter Grissom." Sara went to close the door, but he put his hand out and held it open.
He licked his lips in thought and looked down. "Is this about what happened?"
Sara relented on the door and sighed. "And what exactly happened?"
"The dinner thing?" He asked, looking up.
She leaned against the doorframe and glared at him. "Why would that have anything to do with me leaving Grissom?"
He dropped his eyes from hers. "If this isn't about that, then what is it?"
"You know, I'm surprised you know where I live Grissom. Did you have to check my file for that?" She glared at him, changing the subject completely.
He narrowed his eyes at the question. "What? No. I've always know where you live Sara. What's that got to do with anything?" He asked, utterly confused.
"Absolutely nothing." She answered with a sigh. Why would he know? He's never even thought about calling or stopping by.
"Why won't you tell me?" He shifted from one foot to the other and looked at her.
Sara shook her head in exasperation. She laughed dryly. "I don't believe this. You want to know why I'm leaving and you want me to tell you, when you know exactly why, you're just ignoring the reason like you do anything remotely personal."
He turned away briefly and ran a hand through his hair. "This is about you asking me to dinner. Why can't you just admit it?"
"Why can't you just come out with things? I've been working at the lab for four years and not one time did you ignore me like you have down for the last 4 months. I worked solo without one complaint and look where it got me. I ended up in hospital and giving up my job. I can't work like that any more. I couldn't believe that one question would make you so angry with me. Well, I don't care what you do anymore Grissom, because it has nothing to do with me." She pushed herself of the doorframe and reached for the door, just as she went to close it, Grissom turned back to her.
"I was never angry with you Sara."
She scoffed. "Like I believe that." And slammed her door shut.
Grissom stared at the door and frowned. He was about to turn away to leave when he decided that he wasn't going to leave it at that. He raised his hand to knock, but stopped. instead. "I was never angry Sara!" He shouted. "It had nothing to do with you!" He placed his hand on the door and dropped his head. "It was me." He said quietly. "Please let me explain." He pleaded into the warm wood, his forehead resting on the door.
Sara wiped the tears from her eyes and opened the door. "What's there to explain? I could have lived with being let down Grissom, but avoiding me like the plague was something I couldn't."
He stood up straight and placed his hand on the doorframe as he leaned inside the doorway slightly. "I was avoiding you, but it wasn't because of your invitation."
She snorted. "Certainly looked like it."
He took a small breath and frowned. "It's hard to explain, but I can try."
"Why should I listen? You've not listened to a thing I've said since this began. I've given up on any hope of us actually getting along any more. I don't want to talk about it. I'm sick of being left behind and being lined up for the punches you seem to give out. I'm tired of your pathetic excuses. Just say what you mean. Just tell me you don't care, you never have and never will. It's plain to see, but apparently my heart's glutton for more punishment." She knew she was crying, but she couldn't help it. There was no point to hiding anymore.
Grissom looked at her with concerned blue eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't realise-"
"You never do." She sighed and turned away. She sat on the couch and pulled her blanket around her.
He shut the door and walked a few steps into the room. "I didn't realise I was hurting you Sara."
"What a crock of shit Grissom!" She shouted. Glaring at him, she growled. "You are a fucking genius and your telling me you didn't know you were hurting me? Well I'm sorry, but I am human and I do have feelings, believe it or not. I'm not a machine like you." She turned her head away and wiped her eyes.
Standing there in silence, he looked down. Had Warrick been talking about him? He was the only one he could remember calling him that. He wasn't a machine. He was human too, with emotions. "Why doesn't anyone see that I have emotions too?" He said quietly, shaking his head.
"Probably because you never show them." She said just as quietly.
Grissom moved a few steps forward and placed his hand on the TV. "I'm sorry, Sara. I really am."
"What does it matter now? It's not like you can actually tell me why you've been acting the way you have. If it's not me and it's you, why have you been pushing me away? I thought we were friends." She asked, her voice strained, but calm.
"We are friends. That's never changed." He stressed, sitting on the couch. He faced her and looked at her closely. She was wrapped in the blanket, but she wasn't looking at him. "This isn't easy for me Sara." He breathed, rubbing his eyes.
She sighed and leaned her head on her hand. "Yeah, well. It's not easy for me either."
He nodded and sat back. "I haven't been pushing you away exactly. I've been. avoiding something that has been right in front of me since the first day we met." He confessed, staring at his hands.
"Me." She said tiredly.
"No!" He groaned and turned to her again. "Just listen, please. I haven't told this to anyone and I'm trying really hard not to make things worse." She looked at him for a few seconds and nodded for him to continue. He took a deep breath and stared at her face. "I was married once."
Sara's head snapped up and looked at him. "You were married?"
He nodded and smiled as he remembered. "Yes. I was very happy. This was before I was supervisor and before I met you."
"Who was she?"
Grissom's smile got wider. "Her name was Emily. I met her in the store one day. She dropped a huge box of dog biscuits on my foot and the bag split. I helped her and we went our separate ways, but a week later she rang me. She saw my name in the paper and got my number from a friend in the police department." He chuckled and ran his hand through his hair. "We dated for a year and we moved into an apartment. After a while, we got married and bought a house." He looked down then and the smile faded.
Sara turned to face him and pulled her blanket tighter around her as she listened. "What happened?"
"She was killed in a car crash." He whispered and let out a ragged breath.
Sara watched him closely and she felt her heart ache for him. After what he did, she couldn't stop feeling something for him. "How hold was she?"
Grissom rubbed his eyes from the redness and stinging. "Erm. 35 and my son was 5 months old."
"Oh god Grissom. I'm so sorry." She gasped, reaching out to squeeze his hand.
He looked at her hand and covered it with his. "I promised myself I would never be in that position again Sara. I promised to never let another person into my heart. I caused her to leave and take my child. If I'd been more aware and not been stupid. She'd be alive today and so would Justin." He was in tears by now, but he was trying hard to keep her from seeing them.
"What could you have done?" She asked softly.
He shrugged. "I could have been home more and been there for her. We never argued, but once it started, they never stopped. After a week, she decided that we needed time apart." He breathed in slowly. "I didn't realise she wasn't coming back. I lost both because I was too wrapped up in my work."
Sara moved closer and brought her other hand up to touch his cheek, but he pulled away and released her hand as he stood. "Grissom?"
He wiped his eyes and turned his back on her. "Now you know why I don't let people in. I've never let people in since that day. I can't. I drove them away and lost them both. I can't let that happen again."
"You didn't cause the crash Grissom. That wasn't you." She stressed.
"They are still dead." He sighed.
Sara got up and walked to him. She placed her hand on his shoulder. "What were you avoiding?"
He was quiet for a few seconds. "You mean when we first met?"
"Yes." She gently rubbed his shoulder.
"Erm." He groaned and stepped away from her hand. "It wasn't you, it was the thought of you."
Sara was confused. "The thought of me?"
He nodded and turned around to face her. "I couldn't stop thinking about you and I didn't know why. I went home and I still couldn't stop thinking about this full of life, smart and funny CSI."
"That was when we first met, what changed?" She asked, stepping closer.
Grissom reached out and stopped her. He squeezed her arm and looked into her eyes. "Each letter, each phone call, each e-mail. It made it harder to forget you. I tried to, but nothing worked. I thought if you worked with me, then I'd forget, but it only got stronger." He stopped and dropped his eyes quickly.
"What got stronger?"
He looked back up. "My feelings for you got stronger." He confessed quietly.
Sara closed her eyes and turned away. Now he decides to tell her. After all that's happened, he tells her that he does or did have feelings for her. What was she supposed to do now? Did he expect her to just listen to him and everything will go back to normal?
"Sara?" He watched her shoulders shake. "What's wrong?" He grasped her shoulders lightly and turned her.
"You had feelings for me at one point, great. Now what? What will any of what you told me, explain what you've been doing to me for the past four years?" She asked on a gasp of breath. She wiped a tear away and looked down.
Grissom gently wiped another stray tear away. "It doesn't really explain it all, but it does explain that I didn't have feelings for you at one point." He paused and brushed his thumb over her cheek. "The problem is, that I've never stopped having feelings for you."
Shaking her head, she started to cry. "I can't do this anymore. I'm sick and tired of waiting. My heart can't take anymore of your games Grissom. Our last battle had me give you all I had left in me and you shot me down. I don't want this anymore." She turned away and walked back to the couch, but didn't sit.
"They are not games, Sara. This is my life." He said angrily.
She turned sharply and snapped. "It's mine too."
"It wasn't just your heart on the line Sara. It was mine too. When Emily and Justin died, so did I. I never thought I'd feel the same way I did for Emily, but that changed when I met you. Can't you see that?" He pressed, walking up to her and turning her to face him. "You are the only person who made this heart beat again. So many have tried and failed and you didn't even have to try. Don't you get it?"
She shook her head. "No! It only means that I'm still alone with a broken heart because you can't leave the past in the past and move on with your life. I don't get it at all." She said angrily, staring him in the face.
He stared right back. How could she not see it? Surely she could see what she does to him. He looked into her eyes and looked hard, trying to read her soul. She felt something, but what? They didn't move for a long time, just stared at each other. Grissom's hands were on Sara's upper arms, holding with no pressure.
"Why can't you just say it?" She whispered, breaking the silence.
Grissom flinched and his concentration was broken. He consider her question and closed his eyes. "I care for you," He breathed, opening his eyes. "but it's more than that." He continued quietly. "I never thought I could tell another woman this in my life, but you made my heart beat again. You made me want to live."
"You avoided me and practically punished me for something I didn't do, whatever that was." She said, looking down.
Punished? "You didn't do anything."
Sara sighed. "Back to square one." She tried to pull away, but his grip tightened. She looked up and narrowed her eyes at him.
"Everyone makes mistakes Sara. I've made plenty."
"I've made mine and look what happened. A boss who'd rather take me from my friends and send me to work solo while he gets to run the lab like I wasn't even there. My mistake was coming to Vegas." She seethed.
He frowned. "You don't mean that."
She nodded and tried to pull away again. "I wouldn't have said it otherwise. If I stayed where I was, I might have found someone who actually gave shit about me and worked with my friends instead of being split from my them so I wouldn't talk to them about being turned down by my boss." She knew why he kept her busy. He didn't want anyone knowing he was asked out by her. Who would it have hurt more, him or her?
"It's true." He smiled. Sara stopped moving and furrowed her brows in confusion. He was smiling, ok. She has to be imagining that. "I didn't want you to mention it to anyone."
"And you don't know me very well."
His smiled faded. "I know you're a passionate person. I know you would go out of your way to help a friend. I know you like chicken sandwiches. I know you feel something for me, but are just as scared as me to admit it." His voice was soft as he released her arms and cupped her face. "I know you sneak beef jerky from my fridge in my office and I know you wake up in a cold sweat after a hard case. I know you more than you think and I only know this because I fell in love with you and I can't seem to get you out of my head." His confession made Sara's eye's water. She was crying and he was getting closer. "I love you Sara. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to admit it." He breathed against her lips. The kiss was so light, she didn't even feel it, but the second was harder and she felt it.
Her heart was in overdrive. Her breathing had escalated so fast, it was making her head spin. She grasped onto his belt to hold her up. Grissom slipped one arm around her waist and pulled her to him. His hand gently caressed her cheek as he deepened the kiss. Sara pushed her arms around his waist and stepped so close, she was pressed up against him.
Slowly, the kiss broke and Sara stepped away from him. "This hasn't changed a thing." She whispered and turned away. Her hand came up to touch her lips.
Grissom was breathing heavily as he opened his eyes and stared at her back. "Sara?"
She shook her head and dropped her hand. "The second you start analysing what's happened, you'll avoid me twice as much."
"That won't happen." He said quietly.
She turned her head slightly and wrapped her arms around her. "Are you sure?" He thought for a minute, looking down in concentration. Sara nodded and walked to the front door. "I know you too Grissom, but what you didn't mention was that you are ashamed to even be near me."
Grissom's head snapped up. "That's not true Sara." He said strongly, following her.
"Avoiding me was just one way to never see me or speak to me. I would be in a room and you would stay as far away as possible. I'd call that ashamed to be associated with me." She opened the door.
He watched her open the door and step back. "What are you doing?"
She never took her eyes from the floor. "I'm asking you to leave and never come back." Her voice was a painful whisper.
He didn't move. He stood in the middle of the hall and looked at her. His heart was pounding in his chest. She was telling him to forget everything he felt for her. How could she ask him that? He'd just told her he loved her and she was ignoring it. "Why?"
"Why what?" She asked, lifting her head.
"Why are you disregarding everything that's happened here?" He asked, his chest started to hurt and his eyes started to sting.
Sara looked at him briefly and closed her eyes, turning her head away. "I told you that by the time you figured it out, you'd be too late. It's too late."
He swallowed hard. "It's never too late Sara."
"In this case. it is." She brushed the tears away and pushed on the door.
Grissom walked towards her, took the door handle and pushed it closed. He was standing close, looking down at her. "I will leave, only if you answer one question."
Her eyes were closed as she listened to him and felt his body so close. She could feel his breath on her face as he spoke. "What is it?"
He raised his right hand and gently cupped her cheek, tilting her head up. "Look at me." He pleaded quietly. Sara opened her eyes slowly. His eyes locked onto hers as he forced the words out. "Do you love me?"
She couldn't stop the tears falling. They pooled down her cheeks and onto his hand. His thumb brushed against her sticky skin as he waited for an answer. After what seemed like an eternity, she closed her eyes and looked down. "Yes."
"Then don't leave." It was a whispered plea. "Please Sara."
"I can't stay." She said hoarsely. "You broke my heart Grissom. I've tried to do as you wanted. I did as you asked. I can't live in the shadows any more."
His hand slid down to her neck and continued to feel her skin beneath his fingers. The friction was sending sparks through both, but the cuts were too deep. "Let me try Sara. Let me try and fix things."
She shook her head slowly. "It wasn't just my heart Grissom. You broke me down to a level I thought impossible. You think telling me about your past will explain why you hurt me, but what it did was explain that it was you all along that was punishing me for what Emily did." She looked up to gauge his reaction. His pain was clearly seen in his eyes. His wall was no longer up. "I didn't deserve to be punished for something I never did and that I could never do."
"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I never meant to hurt you." He apologised, but it seemed pointless now. She didn't seem to want to listen. "Can you let me try?" He asked softly. "It's taken loosing you to finally make me face my past. Don't let me make another mistake and let you leave. I can't do it anymore. I can't avoid you any longer."
Sara gave into the urge to touch him. She brought her hands up and touched his face. Running her fingers through his hair, following her fingers with her eyes as she traced his jaw and chin. Grissom's eyes had closed the instant she touched him. His breathing was irregular and she could feel his heartbeat pounding against his chest.
She slowly wrapped her arms around his waist and felt her tears continue to fall when he stepped closer and put his arms around her. Holding her to him tightly. "Please don't leave me. I need you." He whispered, burying his face into her neck.
"Everybody will know if I come back." She said quietly.
He sighed and raised his head, pulling back to look at her. "This is between you and me. I don't care what everyone else thinks anymore." He watched her smile. She reached up and placed her hand on the side of her head. Grissom covered her hand and pulled it away. "Does it still hurt?" He asked, looking at the healing scar as he pushed her hair aside.
"Not really, just itches."
He smiled and leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the scar and hugging her again. "I'm sorry for all that I've done."
She leaned her head against his chest. "I know. It's just going to take time to forgot it all."
"Can we start again?" He asked softly.
Rubbing her cheek across his cotton shirt, she sighed. "No."
"Sara, please."
She smiled and raised her head. "I don't want to start again."
He watched her for a few seconds before smiling. "Then, what happens next?"
Sara shrugged and stepped back. She ran one hand down his arm to his hand and squeezed it. "Let's get something to eat."
Grissom chuckled and closed his eyes, pulling her against his chest. "I'll make everything up to you. I promise."
"Don't make promises, just follow your heart. If you say your human," She tilted her head up and grinned. "Prove it." She challenged.
He looked into her eyes, then to her lips. He dipped his head and brushed his lips across hers. "What does your heart say?" He murmured.
She giggled, kissing the corner of his mouth. "That you're an asshole, but I love you anyway." Grissom laughed and kissed her with all the love he felt for her.
THE END