Title: All The Things She Said
Author: karebear
Timeframe: Clone Wars movie
Characters: Ahsoka, Anakin
Notes: Companion to The Things We Don't Talk About, Ahsoka's POV
As we lie in the shade of poison trees, are we as safe as we let ourselves believe?
- Dashboard Confessional
The others in her age-group seemed appropriately awed when she told them the news. "Lucky," her friend Caebin muttered. "Skywalker gets all the good assignments. You'll get to go everywhere."
But she's been trained as a Jedi, and grown up with these people, and it's not like they're even trying very hard to hide their sideways glances to one another. She can almost feel them laughing behind her back. Ahsoka, who got in trouble all the time. Ahsoka's weird. No wonder she got assigned to the freak.
Who cares? At least she won't have to hang around with some boring old Master who'll make her meditate all the time. She doesn't even look back as she tromps onto the ship that will take her to Christophsis, where Skywalker and Kenobi are fighting in a real battle. And Yoda gave her the job of taking his message to them, and not any of the others. They can laugh at her all they want, but they're still stuck on Coruscant. So there!
The pilot isn't much of a talker. He doesn't even take his helmet off the whole time she's in the cockpit. She stares out the viewport for as long as she can, but there isn't anything to look at, and she can't tell which way is up. It makes her stomach feel weird. She avoids looking out the window after that and instead watches the pilot out of the corner of her eye. He looks exactly like all the holos she's seen in reports from Jedi out in the field. She knows all the Jedi Generals can tell the clone troopers apart, but she can't tell how she's supposed to do that. There's an undercurrent to his Force signature that she can't put a name to. He feels just a little bit wrong, like the Force can tell he isn't a natural thing, that he was created. It's the first time she's ever hesitated to talk to someone.
She's not sure how long she's sat there, curled up in her seat staring at her shoes. She might even have fallen asleep for a while. A wave of purpose and driven concentration from the pilot alerts her to something happening, just before the ship rockets out of hyperspace with a sudden pop that makes her ears hurt. Christophsis hangs below them, all greens and browns and grays. So different from Coruscant. It looks smaller, and from this far away she can't even see any lights.
She almost runs off the ship as soon as it lands. She's not even sure if the walkway has entirely hit the ground yet. It doesn't matter to her. For a Jedi, it's an easy jump. The ground feels squishy beneath her feet, even though there's no grass here. Some unoccupied part of her mind registers that the grass must have been worn away by the constant take-off and landing of so many ships. She looks around, wild-eyed, trying to take in everything at once, the way the air feels and smells and moves, the strange colors and sounds. She's never seen a battlefield before. She never imagined it would look like this. She notices a couple of troopers walking with careful deliberation, one leaning on the other, blood spattered on his armor. He's hurt. She swallows hard and looks away, casting about desperately for something safer to concentrate on. Her mind swirls with relief when she locks on to Kenobi and Skywalker. She tries not to let their disappointment burn her. They look exhausted, and confused.
Skywalker's eyes are narrowed and bitter as he studies her. Without acknowledging her, he turns to the clone standing a few feet away. "What's this youngling doing here?"
Kenobi meets her eyes, his voice soft, but still commanding. "Are there reinforcements coming behind you, young one?"
Without fully understanding the situation here, it still makes her sad to deliver Yoda's message. She shakes her head slowly. "It's just me." She draws herself up to her full height, determined not to be defensive. She's not a youngling and she's supposed to be here. "Master Yoda sent me." It's impossible not to catch the look Skywalker tosses his former Master. He takes a step back, waving toward her with a sweep of his hand. She could swear he's trying to hold back laughter.
"All yours, Master."
Kenobi stares at her again, as if seeing her for the first time. "Ah," he says simply.
She knows what they're thinking and she shakes her head again. She finds Skywalker and meets his gaze straight on. "Master Yoda sent me to be your Padawan, Master Skywalker."
"I don't have time for this," Anakin hisses, pushing his way past her and heading for the mass of clones standing a few yards away. "I am not a babysitter."
"I'm not a youngling," she spits, forcing him to hear her. "I can do this," she insists, to reassure herself as much as to convince him. He rolls his eyes, but for now makes no further protest. She sticks close to him, but doesn't try to force him to listen to her. She feels his presence in the Force like a wall and knows it won't happen. Not now, maybe not ever.
All she can do is her best. There's no point in wallowing in uselessness just because Skywalker doesn't want her. She finds Captain Rex, who at least seems willing to teach her about their mission here and the way they fight.
"How come you don't move them back behind the line?"
"General Skywalker says we don't need to."
"But he's wrong," she pleads. How could it be wrong, to defend your own troops? Why can't they see it?
She winces every time there's a loud explosion, or a blaster bolt flies too near, but she still convinces herself that she isn't afraid. Not that there isn't anything to be afraid of, but that she can be like the grown men all around her, who can see through the fear and know what has to get done. She studies the lines, the position of troops and the paths the droids will follow.
"I know what to do," she announces.
She can go places nobody else can go. She can crawl through air-ducts and water pipes. She can even get under shields. She just needs them to trust her for a minute. Or failing that, not try to catch her when she runs.
She stops thinking for a while after that, except for feeling a strange elation that she's faster even than Skywalker.
He parks himself next to her in front of the campfire that night. "Kid," he admits. "You did good."
His moment of warming doesn't last. Anakin sinks into a funk as soon as he hears what their next mission is. She doesn't understand it.
"But you're from Tatooine, aren't you? So this is like going home for you."
"I don't want to talk about it," he snaps, almost before she finishes the question.
She was far too young when he came to the Temple to be caught up in all the gossip about the incredibly Force-strong nine-year-old, too wild and reckless by far to be accepted for training. But the whispers in the halls have never really stopped, especially since their Chosen One has become a public figure, the hero of the Clone Wars. She tries to think about what she's heard. He was a slave there, wasn't he? And he had a mother. He left her behind. She tries to imagine what that must be like, but she's sure she's got no hope of getting it right. It would be better if he would tell her about it. She can feel the anger and grief and guilt surging through him in the Force. Maybe she could help.
But he won't talk to her. He doesn't talk at all, actually. Not to Captain Rex or Obi-Wan either. He just does what he has to, but it seems like he's not all there. Maybe if he was paying attention he'd notice that she's not as much of a baby as everyone seems to think. She's still new at this Padawan thing, but somehow she's pretty sure it's not supposed to be her responsibility to make sure he doesn't die. When she really thinks about it, she wonders if maybe he was trying to get the Hutt to kill him. But that can't be the case, can it? Especially since it's her life on the line too. Hadn't he promised to watch her back?
At least Senator Amidala's rescue seems to cheer him up a bit. He even tries to crack a few jokes with her on the transport back to Coruscant. But now it's her turn to be silent and sulky, trying to figure out what kind of Master he's going to be. He's not anything like what she thought he'd be like. He's not anything like what the Holonet says either. She doesn't admit it out loud, but the truth is, he kind of scares her a little bit. But her problem is, she can't get anyone to listen.