The Three Little Acolytes
Hello everyone! Welcome back! Prepare yourselves for another wild round of fun and entertainment!
"Oh, so you're gonna redirect them somewhere else?" Scott asked. "Because they sure aren't going to get either of those things around here."
Silence you! Ahem, as I was saying. Here now for your viewing pleasure is the timeless and classic children's story, "The Three Little Acolytes".
"Oh no," Piotr groaned. "Are we going to be turned into six-year-olds again?"
"We'd better not," Remy grunted.
No, you will not be turned into six-year-olds again. At least as long as you all behave and follow the script.
"Whoopee," Remy drawled.
"Why is this called 'The Three Little Acolytes'?" Sam asked. "Shouldn't it be 'The Three Little Pigs'?"
No, it's "The Three Little Acolytes"! Geeze, why am I always being questioned about the title?
"It's better than questioning your sanity," Scott grunted. "At least the title has a chance of being fixed."
I'm gonna fix you in a minute! Keep making wisecracks and I'll turn you into a sock puppet! Capice?
"Shutting up now," Scott whimpered.
Good. Now, on with the story.
Once upon a time there were three little Acolytes. Okay, so they weren't actually little, but that's beside the point. One day the three Acolytes found the time had come for all of them to leave home.
"GET OUT OF HERE YOU LUNATICS!" Magneto screamed as he chased Remy, Pyro and Piotr out of the Acolyte base. He was covered in multicolored splotches of paint, shaving cream and silly string. "AND DON'T COME BACK!"
"Well if you insist," Remy quipped as he ran.
"Hey, this seems kinda familiar," Pyro noted. "It's like that one time when we tried to replace the little light bulb in the refrigerator. You blokes remember that?"
"I try not to," Piotr shuddered. "The memory of that incident will continue to give me nightmares for years."
"Huh?" Kurt blinked. "What the heck did they...?"
"Trust me," Sabertooth interrupted him. "You don't want to know."
Therefore, the three Acolytes boldly decided to set off and try to seek their fortunes.
"Who needs to seek?" Remy reached into his trench coat and pulled out a large handful of cash. "I got my fortune right here!"
"What?" Piotr blinked. "But where did you...?"
"WHO BROKE INTO MY DESK?" Magneto yelled furiously from the ruins of his wrecked base. "WHERE'S ALL MY PETTY CASH? AND AM I MISSING ONE OF MY FAKE CREDIT CARDS?"
"Of course," Piotr groaned.
"You took one of Mags' fake credit cards?" Pyro asked.
"Never leave home without it," Remy smirked.
Unfortunately, Magneto sent out a very strong localized magnetic field which demagnetized the card and rendered it unusable.
"Darn," Remy sighed.
The three Acolytes eventually decided to split up and went about their separate ways.
"Aw, do we have to?" Pyro pouted. "I don't wanna head out all alone. We're a team! We're mates! Pals! Family!"
"Well, I wouldn't go that far," Remy thought.
Don't worry. It's just for the story. You'll all be back together soon. All five of you.
"Yay!" Pyro cheered.
"Oh no," Sabertooth groaned.
Moving on, the first Acolyte went and won himself a house using cards.
"Hey, not bad," Remy held up a deed as he admired his new house. "Could use a better paint job though."
"Oh brother," Rogue rolled her eyes.
"Wait, what about the whole 'build a house out of straw' thing?" Bobby asked.
"Yeah, right. Like I'm really gonna bother building a house out of straw," Remy scoffed. "You really think I'm that stupid?"
"Ooo, can I answer that one?" Rogue smirked.
"Thanks for the support chérie," Remy mocked.
"How did Remy manage to win a house in the first place?" Sam asked.
"Three words homme," Remy grinned and fanned a full deck of cards. "No limit poker."
"Of course," Kurt groaned.
"Well that explains a lot," Kitty commented. "So, whose house is it?"
"IT'S MY HOUSE!" Principal Kelly shouted.
"Not anymore," Remy smirked holding up the deed. "Now it's mine!"
"NO IT IS NOT!" Kelly screamed.
"Well it is for this story so shut up!" Remy charged Kelly's pants and quickly let go.
"WHAT THE...AAARRRGGGHHH!" Kelly shrieked and frantically ran out of sight.
BOOM!
"Mommy," Kelly whimpered.
Ahem, getting back on track here. Now the second Acolyte went and moved into a house using fire.
"Oh no," Lance groaned. "Three guesses how that happened."
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Duncan screamed as he ran for his life from an enormous flaming dragon.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro cackled maniacally as he caused dozens of fire animals to run amok inside Duncan's house.
"Looks like Duncan's parents are out of town again," Todd winced as something inside the house blew up. "Lucky them."
"YEAH! YEAH!" Pyro laughed as he used his powers to have the dragon incinerate Duncan's car.
KA-BOOOOOOM!
"MY CAR!" Duncan yelped.
"Hey, we were gonna hotwire that later!" Pietro snapped.
"Yeah!" Todd added.
"YOU STINKING MUTANTS! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS IF IT'S THE LAST THING I EVER...YAHHHHHH!" Duncan screamed as he fell down an open manhole.
PLOOOOSH!
"Ohhh," Duncan moaned.
"Yay!" Pyro cheered as he strode through his new house. "It's mine! Mine! All mine! Hahahahaha!"
"For the moment anyway," Lance noted.
And the third Acolyte managed to land a house sitting position with a kind and wealthy homeowner.
"Oh my," Piotr stood on one of the front balconies of a large, prominent residence. "I could get used to this."
"Wait a second," Kitty blinked. "That's the X-Mansion!"
"Who let him in there?" Kurt demanded.
"Chuck," Logan glared at Xavier.
"Uh," Xavier hesitated.
Don't worry. It's just for the story. The rest of you are out doing wilderness survival training or taking a vacation or something.
"We are not. We're right here," Bobby pointed out.
In the story, you are gone. Deal with it!
"Great," Logan grunted.
"It could be worse. We could have Gambit as the house sitter," Rogue drawled.
"Or the Brotherhood," Kitty added.
"Please! Don't give the author ideas!" Xavier moaned.
Ahem. However, no sooner had all the Acolytes moved into their new residences than who should appear but a big bad peripatetic, abode-visiting, merchandise-transporting representative.
"Huh?" Scott blinked and saw himself wearing a gaudy plaid suit, straw porkpie hat and carrying a large suitcase. "What the...I'M A DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMAN?"
Yup.
"Oh man!" Lance snickered. "That's hilarious!"
"It's priceless!" Fred slapped his knee.
"Shut up you jerks!" Scott snapped as the Brotherhood continued to laugh at him. "Professor! Please tell them to stop...WILL YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF?"
"Sorry!" Kurt snorted as he tried to contain his laughter. "I can't help it!"
"You look hideous!" Kitty giggled.
"I gotta get pictures of this!" Jamie held up a camera.
"Don't you dare!" Scott snapped. "Come on guys! Help me out here! This is a crime!"
"No, what's a crime is having that suit see the light of day!" Bobby guffawed.
"No kidding! Just look at it!" Roberto howled. "Somewhere some poor couch is running around naked!"
"I hate you all," Scott grumbled.
Alright, break it up. You can all laugh at Scott later. Time to move on with the story.
"No! I refuse!" Scott declared. "There's no way I will submit myself to this degrading level of stupidity!"
Yes you will!
"No I won't!" Scott shouted. "You can't make me!"
Two words: Puppet Scott.
"I'll do it," Scott whimpered.
I knew you would. So, moving right along. The big bad peripatetic, abode-visiting, merchandise-transporting representative (henceforth referred to as the big bad door-to-door salesman) went and knocked on the house of the first Acolyte.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
"Hello sir!" Scott said in a strained chipper voice. "I'm here on behalf of Emca Industries to offer you a discount on their latest and fabulous new product! Please come to the door and I'll show you our special sample case!"
"No!" Remy shouted as he slipped a pair of silver candlesticks into his trench coat. "Go away and leave me alone! Haven't you ever heard of telemarketing?"
"Please?" Scott begged. "I have a wife and six kids to feed! All of whom need braces, eyeglasses and stress management therapy!"
"Not to mention personality transplants," Lance added. "Or else they will all turn out to be as boring and geeky as you! Do them a favor!"
"Six kids, huh?" Pietro weighed the number in his head. "Wonder how Red feels about that?"
"Especially if she turns out not to be his wife," Fred grinned.
"Go away!" Remy yelled.
"No! Not until you buy something!" Scott shouted.
"Forget it!"
"Please?"
"No!"
"Pretty please?"
"NO!"
"Fine! You asked for it!" Scott whipped off his shades. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
BOOOOOOM!
CRASH!
SMASH!
WHUMP!
"Wow," Kurt blinked at the destroyed house. "Note to self, never get Scott mad."
And so the big bad door-to-door salesman used his optic blasts to utterly destroy the house.
"MY HOUSE!" Kelly screamed. "NOOOOOOOOO!"
Fortunately, the first Acolyte managed to escape out the back door and was completely unharmed.
"And I got myself a whole load of souvenirs," Remy smirked and patted his pockets. "Sweet!"
Also, an insurance agent for the company insuring the house just happened to be passing by and witnessed the damage. The agent noted the Acolyte had possession of the house's deed and issued him a check on the spot.
"Alright!" Remy's eyes grew wide from viewing the check. "I knew I liked this story!"
"What are you going to do now?" Amara asked. "Run off to the house of the next Acolyte?"
"Heck no!" Remy grinned. "I'm heading to Bermuda!"
"Figures," Rogue snorted.
"Care to join me, chérie?" Remy wiggled his eyebrows.
"In your dreams," Rogue snapped.
"Sounds like a yes to me," Remy grinned.
Next, the big bad door-to-door salesman went and approached the house of the second Acolyte.
"This is so humiliating," Scott grumbled as he strode up the front walk. "Not only do I have to play the bad guy, but my lines are almost as terrible as this itchy suit!"
Cut with the commentary and get on with it!
"Yeah, yeah," Scott sighed and knocked on the door. "Hello sir! I'm here on behalf of Emca Industries to..."
WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Scott yelped as a huge jet of flame blew off the front door and nearly incinerated him.
"Hahahahaha!" Pyro laughed happily as he shot multiple bursts of fire at Scott.
"AAARRRGGGHHH!" Scott screamed and desperately dove around while trying to avoid the flames. "KNOCK IT OFF YOU MANIAC!"
"DANCE MY BEAUTIES! DANCE! DANCE!" Pyro cackled as he made several dancing fire hippos and had them chase after Scott.
"WHAT THE...YAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Scott yelled as he ran away from the dancing line of flaming hippos. "GET THOSE STUPID THINGS AWAY FROM ME!"
"Have I mentioned how much I love this story?" Lance snickered.
"Me too!" Todd grinned.
"Uh, guys? Shouldn't we do something about that?" Kurt pointed at the house which was now covered in flames.
"Good idea!" Fred whipped out a roasting stick. "Anybody else want marshmallows?"
"BURN BABY BURN! PYRO'S INFERNO! BURN BABY BURN!" Pyro laughed and skipped about the flaming lawn as the house slowly burned to the ground.
"Wow, talk about easy come, easy go," Kitty blinked at the large blaze.
"Especially in Pyro's case," Rogue groaned. "His brain left town years ago."
"Ohhh," Duncan crawled up out of the manhole covered in waste and refuse. "What the...MY HOUSE! AAARRRGGGHHH!"
"Oh, stop being such a crybaby," Pietro waved. "Your parents are rich enough to have it rebuilt by the next story. Same goes for old Smelly Kelly. At least they should be able to afford them. Maybe..."
"Yeah! So bye-bye Duncan!" Todd smiled and kicked him back down the manhole.
"AAAHHHHHH!" Duncan screamed as he fell once more.
PLOOOSSSHHH!
"Owie," Duncan moaned.
"Geeze, can this story have any more pointless tangents?" Kitty asked.
"You really want to find out?" Rogue gave her a look.
O-kay, picking up once again. Now, with the house of the second Acolyte having been destroyed, the big bad door-to-door salesman moved on and...
"Hey, wait a second. Where's my insurance check?" Pyro piped up.
"Yeah right. Like anyone would fire insure a house with you in it," Wanda rolled her eyes.
Sorry Pyro. You didn't acquire the deed to the house, so no dice.
"Aw," Pyro pouted. "Well, there's always next time!"
"Oh no," Sabertooth groaned.
Anywho, as I was saying. With the house of the second Acolyte having been destroyed, the big bad door-to-door salesman moved on and approached the final house where the third Acolyte was keeping watch.
"The house where I just happen to live!" Scott fumed. "This is ridiculous! I shouldn't have to be forced to go up and knock on the door to my own house!"
"Technically, it's Xavier's house," Lance smirked. "He just lets you live there free of room and board."
"Oh shut up and let me get this nightmare over with," Scott snapped and quickly rapped on the door.
"Um, who is it?" Piotr's voice came on over the intercom.
"Hello sir," Scott said in a very flat voice. "I'm here on behalf of Emca Industries to offer you a discount on their latest and fabulous new product. Please come to the door and I'll show you our special sample case."
"Uh, no thank you," Piotr declined. "I do not actually live here and am not authorized to make purchases or let people in."
"Well, I do live here and I am authorized to make purchases and let people in!" Scott snapped and banged on the door. "So open up!"
"I am sorry, but I can not do that," Piotr said. "Good day."
"Yes you can!" Scott shouted. "You let me in the front gate!"
"Sir, please leave or I will be forced to take drastic measures," Piotr warned him.
"So will I!" Scott readied his glasses. "I'll blow the front door right...wait a second. I can't do that. The professor would kill me!"
"That sounds like a perfectly good reason to me!" Lance shouted.
"Alright, you asked for it," Piotr sighed.
"That's better. It's about time you..." Scott trailed off and saw several laser cannons pop up from their hiding places. "Wait! What are you doing?"
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
"YEEEOOOWWWWWW!" Scott screamed as he was set upon by the lasers. "OH MAN THOSE THINGS HURT! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"
"I warned you," Piotr said apologetically. "Next time you should just go away."
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!" Scott yelled as he frantically ran around trying not to get hit.
"Getting shot at by his own defenses!" Lance cheered as he watched Scott desperately try to avoid the lasers. "Talk about irony. I am just loving this!"
"I'm getting it all on tape!" Todd grinned as he gleefully filmed the spectacle.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"MISSILES! WHY DID I HAVE TO INSIST ON ADDING MISSILES OUT HERE?" Scott wailed as dozens of missiles impacted the lawn causing dirt and grass to fly.
"We really need to have those targeting systems checked," Xavier winced as a stray missile wandered off and blew up a nearby fire hydrant.
ZZZZZZUMMMMMM! ZZZZZZUMMMMMM! ZZZZZZUMMMMMM!
"AAAGGGHHHHHH! NOT THE BUZZSAWS! ANYTHING BUT THE BUZZSAWS!" Scott screamed as several sharp flying discs tore at his clothes and whizzed past his head.
"At least that suit is being put out of its misery," Kitty said.
"More like our misery since we're the ones who have been forced to look at it," Pietro quipped.
ZZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP!
"AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!"
"Gee, you'd think Scott would have remembered about the electrified gate," Kurt winced. "Especially since he's the one who thought it up."
"That's it!" Scott shouted as he stood just beyond the outer gate, his once neat suit shredded and covered in scorch marks. "I'm not taking any more of this! Now I'm gonna..."
"Hold it right there!"
"Huh?" Scott blinked as a squad car pulled up and two policemen came out.
"Are you a door-to-door salesman for Emca Industries?" One of the cops asked him.
"Uh, yes?" Scott blinked. "I'm their only door-to-door salesman."
"Great. You're under arrest," The cop pulled out a pair of handcuffs.
"WHAT?" Scott yelped. "WHY?"
"For the wanton destruction of a personal residence, the attempted destruction of this personal residence and for disturbing the peace," The first cop informed him.
"Huh? But I didn't do this!" Scott waved his arms at the wrecked lawn. "I was attacked!"
"Sure you were," The second cop looked around at the damaged sidewalk and multiple impact craters. The mansion's defense systems had already been withdrawn back into their hiding places. "And I suppose you were attacked at that principal's house too?"
"Yes! No! I mean," Scott sputtered. "I can explain!"
"Oh yeah?" The second cop opened up Scott's traveling suitcase. "Then explain why your suitcase is packed to the sides with dynamite."
"WHAT?" Scott gaped at the suitcase's contents. "HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE?"
"Gee, maybe because Emca Industries is the largest dynamite manufacturer in the country?" The first cop drawled.
"I should have known," Scott groaned.
"You bet you should've known," The cop spun Scott around and slapped the handcuffs on him. "You're coming with us. We have some witnesses claiming you were responsible for a major account of arson as well."
"THAT WASN'T MY FAULT! THAT WAS PYRO!" Scott yelled trashing around. "HE DID IT NOT ME!"
"Watch it bub or you'll be charged with resisting arrest too!" The second cop snapped.
"BUT I'M INNOCENT! INNOCENT I TELL YOU!" Scott screamed as he was dragged away.
"Are you getting this?" Pietro asked.
"Oh yeah!" Todd grinned.
"I'VE BEEN FRAMED!" Scott shouted. "THIS IS ALL PART OF A PARODY! I WAS FORCED TO DO IT! I HAD NO CHOICE!"
"Tell it to the judge!" The first cop snapped as they shoved him into the squad car and drove away.
"Bye-bye Summers!" Lance waved happily.
"Have fun!" Fred grinned.
And so the big bad door-to-door salesman was led away, later to be tried, sentenced, sued and forced to pay damages as the three Acolytes lived happily ever after. For a little while anyway.
"Oh brother," Rogue groaned.
"So is this parody finally over?" Kitty asked.
"I think so," Sam blinked.
"Thank goodness," Rogue sighed. "I couldn't take much more of this insane nonsense."
"Me neither," Kurt groaned. "I'll never be able to read this story the same way again."
"Well, at least the damage wasn't too bad," Xavier gazed at his ruined front lawn.
"Excuse me, Charles Xavier?" A bespeckled man in a dark suit appeared next to him.
"Uh, yes?" Xavier blinked.
"I'm from the Bayville Homeowners Association," The man handed him some papers. "These are for you. You are being assessed for lawn repairs."
"WHAT?" Xavier yelped.
"Hey, here's a nice house!" Pyro skipped in front of the X-Mansion brandishing his flamethrowers. "Now's a chance to get my insurance money once and for all!"
"Oh no you don't!" Logan yelled.
FLOOOOOOMMM!
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The New Mutants screamed as what remained of the front lawn caught on fire.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro whooped as he danced around shooting fire blasts everywhere. "YEAH! YEAH!"
"AAARRRGGGHHH!" Logan yelled as his shirt caught on fire. "YEEEOOOWWWWWW! GET BACK HERE YOU INSANE FLAME BRAIN!"
"Wheeeeeeeee!" Pyro skipped away as the X-Men chased after him.
"Make that a lot of lawn repairs," The suited man noted and handed Xavier several more papers.
"Of course," Xavier groaned.
VROOOOOOOMMM!
"Hey! Somebody's stealing the limo!" Bobby yelped as he dived out of the way.
"YEEEHAAAAAAAAA!" Pietro cackled as he tore down the driveway. "BURN RUBBER BABY!"
"YEAH!" Todd cheered next to him.
"Tally ho!" Lance grinned as he followed behind in the X-Van with Fred in the back seat. "We told you we planned to hotwire something!"
"COME BACK HERE YOU JERKS!" Rogue shouted at them while trying to put out Pyro's blaze.
"We'll get 'em!" Kitty grabbed Xavier and wheeled him over to Scott's car. She quickly phased him into the back seat and eagerly took the steering wheel. "Let's go!"
"Wait Kitty! Let's think about this for a secooooooooonnnd!" Xavier yelped as she gunned the engine and shot after the Brotherhood, phasing through several trees in the process. "AAAHHHHHH! HELP ME!"
"Burny, burny, burny!" Pyro giggled in the background.
"WHERE ARE YOU YOU CRAZY LUNATIC?" Logan roared furiously. "WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I'M GONNA...WHAT THE? NOT MY BIKE! WAIT! STOP! NOOOOOO!"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOM!
"AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Logan screamed.
"And so once again we have survived the ordeal of another random parody," Piotr sighed as the chaos reigned around him. "Whether any of our sanity made it through intact is another story."
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the story "The Three Little Pigs".