Reluctance

Everything is right up to and including "Goodbye to all that" but AU from there.

I sadly own none of the original characters in the Terminator world. This is something that came to me that I had to explore and I started writing it before seeing the previews for "the tower is tall...". I'm anxious to find out what you think. I know Derek might be a bit out of character but to be told in first person, he has to think differently than what he probably does.

Fate

2027

"Tell me." I dropped my head back against the cinderblock wall and waited for a response.

It wasn't the first time I asked. I treated it like a bedtime story growing up, always wanting to hear about my future that was in her past, but she never would acquiesce to tell that one I wanted but another "more appropriate" tale. As I grew older and became a man, much sooner than was traditional for history but mandatory for the times we live in, it became a refuge for us both.

She loved telling stories. Anything to take our minds away from what was happening outside. We all treated her like a mom. Even the few times I'd been with her when John was around, he would take a moment now and then to hear a story if she promised it would be short which it never was.

"What?" She asked absentmindedly, leafing through a novel that she must have memorized by now. I could hear the smile in her one word and knew she knew what I meant.

We never had to look at each other anymore. Usually we were too busy watching each others' backs from machines to spend much time looking at each other. I played with a new fray that had developed in the material on my thigh. It should annoy me that I'd have to patch the already threadbare pants but it didn't and it gave me something to occupy my mind and make the conversation a little more light-hearted. "Tell me how I find the love of my life."

"No." Said simply. Like a knife cutting through water.

"Why not?"

"Because, there are some great mysteries of the world that should stay just that. There'll be a time and place. It'll happen."

I dropped my head back against the wall again and closed my eyes. "Gwen Johnson. Why couldn't it be original like 'HeyDerek Itsme'?"

The older woman chuckled and cupped my cheek. I wondered if it was as weird for her as it was for me. I loved her. Not like a mom, I have a mom. I loved her because she gave me hope, love, peace, in a world that was none of those. "You mustn't push destiny, Derek. It was meant to happen then, so it will have to happen again. So's fate."

I sighed. I wasn't going to sulk, grown men don't. But I was pretty ticked off. "You would think you'd want to tell a happy story as often as you could with us living in the sewer like rats." It was a button I rarely pushed but I was running short on time.

Tweaking my cheek she quipped, "Who said anything about it being a happy story?"

This had my full attention. I opened my eyes and darted my gaze to find her big, beautiful smile mocking me.

"Hardy har, Wenny."

We sat in silence then, she finishing her book while I festered with the few stray threads I'd worked free on my fatigues. It didn't matter, really. I'd never see them again any time soon.

When she closed the back cover of the book and tucked it away in one of her pockets, I turned the conversation in a much more somber direction. But I had to know.

"If given the chance, would you want him to find you again?"

She blinked, surprised. Nothing surprised her anymore so the fact that I caught her completely off-guard promised me a truthful answer.

"I've honestly never thought about that option before." She stated. That was a letdown. I wanted gut-wrenching truth. I wanted her to tell me to go kiss a triple-eight for stating the obvious. Wasn't it obvious? Wasn't I a horrible man for, knowing what I know, allowing myself to fall in love with her and dooming her to this life?

I thought that was all she was going to say but tears came to her eyes and she turned her focus from staring off to where he was across the room to gazing in my eyes. She continued in a whisper. "I wouldn't trade living through the apocalypse with him with living without him for anything." Her eyes roamed back to Rick and he looked up at her, offering a half grin before climbing to his feet to come to her side.

He kissed her on the temple and I found myself envious of what they had. What I would one day be doing. Rick—Derek—gave me a knowing smile. He'd already had this conversation but from my side of things. He knew what I was thinking and what I wanted to hear and he wasn't helping me at all.

"You're such a tool," I grumbled.

"Be nice to yourself," he responded with a stupid grin. All attempts to lighten the mood were failing. We all knew I was nervous. But they were doing a decent job of displacing my nerves to annoyance.

"Reese." The three of us turned to the called name. "Connor's calling for you."

I nodded once and looked at Rick and Wenny. "Here's to not having this conversation again," I offered, lifting my glass of cloudy water.

My older self smirked, holding his glass in a similar manner. "Just don't screw it up, kid."

Climbing to my feet, I nodded my goodbyes to the few people that knew of my mission and headed for the door. Rick was behind me and I couldn't help but turn to him. I had so many questions to ask him.

He smirked and looked back at his wife. "Yes, it's worth it."

"I just think it's so selfish. I'm going back to protect John. I shouldn't be thinking about women. Even Wenny—er, Gwen." I had to keep that straight. She'd be Gwen to me. Wenny was a different person. Why? Why would I do it? Why would he do it?

He returned his gaze to me. "I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

I narrowed my eyes. I hated having him in my head sometimes.

Rick smiled. "Think of what she became to me. Think of what she will do for you. And John. And soldier? Stop thinking so much." The last was said softly, reminding me of my father.

I chuckled. "Is that an order?"

Wenny finally came over. "Derek, there's something I want to tell you before you go. I'm sorry and you're instantly forgiven."

My brow wrinkled. "What does that mean?"

An impish smile crossed her lips. "You'll understand. Eat a cupcake for me—that's an order!"

I leaned over and kissed her cheek, the first time I'd shown her any affection of the sort. But, in my mind it was very possible that fate was going to fight with me and that destiny just might not be in my corner.

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