Words
Words are empty things. But there are some words that he needs to hear.
Connie/John, set during the episode 'When I Fall In Love'
Sorry for my absentness in the fanfiction world, during November I was writing my NaNoWriMo novel, which I finished, very pleased about that. And during December I've been revising for my exams, which I have in a few days. A-Levels are hectic times, so please bear with me, I haven't forgotten about fanfiction. Once my exams are over, with a bit of luck I'll be posting more often like I usually do. Thank you for reading :)
I throw open the double doors with force and take long strides to the banister, leaning all of my weight against it and gazing out of the window. Oh faithful piece of wood, I think to myself with sarcasm, how well you have served me over these past few years.
Every little problem that faces me, that challenges my emotions, here is where I end up. Heartbreak, tears, sorrow, emptiness – every emotion that graces me. When I don't want people to see, here I come. My ever loyal stairwell seems to be the only constant in my life save for Grace.
There's a void of emotions within me at the moment, I don't know how to feel. In a way, I suppose I'm numb. If only the people who despised me, who criticised me, could see me now. No emotion whatsoever. I'm living up to my label of someone who doesn't possess any emotion, whose stone cold, frostier and colder than ice.
I look down to my hand, and where it rests, and a sigh escapes me almost automatically, uncensored by my tired mind. Why does the timing have to be so awful? Why does the situation have to be so grave, so complicated? Everything was oh so simple such a short while ago. The lines have blurred now, so blurred that I can hardly pinpoint when it became this way.
My eyes divert out of the window as I observe the people and cars going by. Somehow this has always relaxed me, maybe this way I can cling to normality, cling to simplicity and hope that was reality. I'm not sure.
Taking a deep breath, I look away. It really was time I got back to reality. Living in my own fabrication of a dream world may suit me from time to time when I'm low, but I need to shake this off and regain control of the situation. How do I even begin to accomplish that?
I find myself navigating my way down the corridors, and as if it was ordained to be, I almost run into him with a slide in my step.
'Are you alright?' he asks in concern.
'I don't know,' I reply with honesty. I really don't. 'You look a wreck,' I say to him, adjusting the scarf around his neck.
'You look in complete control,' he remarks in reply, casting his eye over me.
'Well,' I say, looking him straight in the eye. 'It's not how I feel inside. Especially as my life is about to become a mass of uncertainty.'
'About?' he asks in curiosity. Well, this is my moment I suppose. Time to reveal all.
'Not here, not now,' I say, dismissing the subject for now. 'I can't do this here. The chapel in 15 minutes?'
'I'll be there,' he said, that confused yet curious boyish look on his face. I could have melted there and then. Or burst into tears. My hormones were definitely running the show, and I was powerless to do anything.
As if on auto-pilot, I left the corridor and ended up at the chapel, clueless to the exact route I took. Every step I took seemed to take me deeper into a hypnotic, almost trance like state, every pace whispering a word.
John. Jayne. Christian. Blame. Death. Uncertainty. Trouble. Looming. Work. Lover. Friend. Baby.
My trance state of awareness broke as I reached the chapel door. I wondered if he'd be there so quickly, or whether he'd gone to see to Christian, or to Jayne. My heart stung at the thought. Jayne's my friend, she told me that she trusts me. I've got the power to ruin her life in my hands, and things can only get worse. I'm no friend to her. I'm no one she can trust.
I open the door of the chapel slowly and peer inside. No one's here, as usual. Linden's really the only person who frequents this place, and he's tied up on the ward. Privacy would be ensured, and for that I was grateful beyond measure.
I sat down and I waited, every breath bringing forth a new wave of nervousness. I was hoping it would dissipate when I saw him, but when I glimpsed his face, it never did.
Pulling up the chair beside me, he says, 'There was something you wanted to tell me?'
'Yes,' I reply simply, trying not to meet his eyes, in case they told him everything before I opened my mouth and spoke.
'Connie,' he says softly, lifting my chin up so that our eyes meet. 'You can tell me anything…'
'This is the worst time I could ever have told you,' I stutter. 'But I think it has to be now. Otherwise I may never utter a word about it again.'
'Tell me,' he urged gently.
'I'm pregnant,' I whisper, praying that he might not have heard.
He scooches back in his chair slightly and sighs. 'Well you were right about the timing.'
'I don't know what to do,' I admit. It had been a question playing on my mind for so long, and the answer evaded me.
'How far along?' he asks, his brow furrowed.
'Not long, 6 weeks perhaps?' I reply, at an attempt to make a guess. 'You've got so much on your plate with Christian, and the fact that I have just found out who you truly are, does not bode well for this baby's start in life.'
'What will you do?' he asks.
'I told you, I don't know,' I reply, rising out of my seat and heading for the door. I can't do this anymore. 'I'll get through it, I always do.'