I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you...
She kissed the skin beneath his earlobe, arm still wrapped around him, and his mouth was daring him to say it. His whole body was trembling- every ounce of him wanted to say it, but he fought it down. Now wasn't the time. There would never be a right time. Not if he was going to self destruct properly, as his original plan had intended the moment Lily sought him out at the Snowflake Ball and wrenched him from Blair's soft, satin draped body, tears in her eyes.
"I'm here," she cooed in his ear, smooth cheek sliding against his. "I'll always be here." He could feel her steady breathing stop for a moment, her chest unmoving against his back. Then he heard her laugh softly into his ear. "What's the point in not saying it again? You heard me the first time...I love you, Chuck Bass."
He had to bite his cheek hard not to say it back, the faint taste of blood in his mouth. Of course he felt the same way- had felt it that night in the cab when he raised up the hem of her cream-colored nighty with eager hands and kissed the cold skin of her stomach. He even knew he loved her first, long before she had the revelation herself. But he would never say it. He could never say it. Not if he didn't want to hurt her...
"You don't have to say anything," she whispered into his ear, running fingers through his hair. Blair could smell the smoke and alcohol on him, embedded deep into his suit and skin. She could feel the stubble on his cheek when she kissed him. Every ounce of her was frightened, but she held onto him tight. And as long as he needed her, she didn't plan on letting go. "I love you."
"Why." He croaked, slowly reaching up and finding the dainty hand resting on his collar bone. He squeezed it tight, images of his father swirling around in his head. He was a disappointment. A failure. A Nobody hidden by expensive suits and tinted windows. Lily was right- he had killed Bart. With his pathetic need to show his father the truth...he figured he would finally love him for it. Trust him. Instead he had killed one of the few people he loved. That's why Blair couldn't get too close. He would only hurt her. "Why do you love me, Blair?"
She didn't even hesitate. "Because...we fit together perfectly, you and me." She rested her head on his shoulder, her soft hair on his neck. "Don't you see that? There's nothing you can do to make me stop loving you because you're the only person that can make me happy-"
"That's not true," he said lowly, clinching his jaw. And now it was time for the truth to come out. There was no time for 'I love you' when he needed to protect her. He couldn't stand to see her get hurt...he didn't want to make her any less lovely or perfect or delicate. And he would...he knew he would. "You don't understand. I can only make you miserable. I hurt everyone. That's what I do. I left you at the airport...I've schemed against my best friends...I killed my own father..."
"You think I haven't done anything, Chuck? I regret so many things...I toyed with you, even when I knew it hurt you. I slept with Nate when you had my heart, just to spite you. And I'm the master of scheming against my friends. It's what I do, too." With loving fingers, she brushed the hair from his eyes and kissed his temple. "But you and I both know you didn't kill your father. You loved him."
"Which is why he's dead. I hurt everything I love."
She sniffled against his neck, shutting her eyes tightly as a few tears fell onto his starched, black collar. Blair took a few gasping breaths before speaking, voice shaking and trembling with fire in his ear. "The only way you will ever hurt me is if you leave me." A pained moan escaped her throat as she held on to him more tightly, chest flush against his back. "Please don't leave me alone..."
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you...
He held onto her hand tighter, wishing he didn't have to leave her. She would cry- for all of the stupid, nonsensical reasons she loved him, she would cry, but with time she'd realize what he knew to be true when Lily found him at the Ball and gasped out the bad news- Blair's steady, deep eyes watching him with too much love to be safe. He needed to self-destruct...He needed to punish himself. And he couldn't take her with him or let her stop his plans. Because she was innocent. Delicate. Absolutely perfect.
He let her lead him down onto the bed, and he realized this would probably be his last time here. With her. Something deep down inside of him panicked, but he silently gritted his teeth and accepted responsibility. Something he'd always had a hard time doing. He would allow himself the pleasures of now- the smell of her hair on his neck, the steady rhythm of her chest rising and falling against his back. Her love. As his heavy eyes fluttered shut, he knew that when he awoke, everything would change. If he loved her, he would leave. And he loved her.
Before his eyes closed and he was lulled off into dreamless, black sleep, he thought of the sounds of honking taxis and police sirens coming in muffled through foggy windows, soft moans escaping her mouth as the New York lights whizzed past them; the smell of leather and sweat filling up the small space as he panted against the car seat, suddenly frightened of how much his stomach was burning at the feel of her hands on his back. That was the exact moment he had fallen in love with Blair Waldorf. And he would never stop loving her.