In the heat of moments like this, Santana Lopez didn't think anymore. She went off on instinct alone, feeling as if there was an uncontrollable well of rage inside her that was fighting to get out. It gnawed at her and made her vision go hazy. It made her light headed and gave her tunnel vision. She didn't think, she just lashed out against the feeling of helplessness that overtook her alongside her anger.
Usually, it involved hitting something. Or in most cases, someone.
The poor sack of whale blubber, honestly. She secretly felt bad that he had to be on the receiving end of her rage and despair. Not because she liked the guy or anything. She just felt bad for most of the people who ended up on the other side.
Either way, once she felt the sting against her palm, Santana felt the anger drain out of her fingertips, as if she had transferred it to Finn when she had slapped him.
Now all that was left was crippling despair and shame. Santana breathed heavily through her mouth as she became aware that all of the eyes in the room were focused on her. She turned on her heel and stalked out of the room, tears leaking out of her eyelids. She walked as fast as she could, scared that if she bolted, she would trip and fall.
She made it as far as the nearest girl's bathroom before collapsing in the handicapped stall, curling into a ball, and sobbing in earnest. Why did life suck so hard? Things were finally starting to look up for her. She and Brittany were officially dating for a couple weeks now, and the fulfillment of her greatest desire had left her feeling happy and lightheaded on more than one occasion. She was working up to coming out, she honestly was. Had she had maybe a couple more months to get accustomed to the idea, she would have been able to come out on her own violation. She felt has if Finn and the idiot running against Sue in the campaign had stolen something from her. They had taken away her time to prepare herself, time to think. Worst of all maybe, they had taken away her right to tell the people who mattered most first. Now everyone would know, everyone from her parents, right down to that random jock in her history class. She had been robbed, and even though she regretted hitting Finn, she felt a quick surge of satisfaction that maybe she had made him feel if even a small part of the pain he had caused her. The idiot.
It was eight o'clock that night when she heard her door bell ring. Already knowing who it would be, Santana checked to make sure that her ponytail was neat and that there weren't any traces of ruined mascara on her face before going down the stairs to answer the door. It opened to reveal her gorgeous girlfriend, wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, holding a Dunkin Donuts box in one hand and coffee in the other. Brittany smiled at her and said, "Comfort food."
Giving Brittany a small smile in return, Santana said, "Thanks Britt," and stepped aside so she could walk in. On her way through the door, Brittany gave Santana a light kiss, and Santana felt herself swoon a little. She was still getting used to the casual way they interacted with each other now. It felt so much better than restraining herself whenever she was around the blonde. Before Brittany could pull away from the kiss, Santana brought her hand to the back of Brittany's neck and drew her in closer. Santana felt her smile against her lips.
"How you feeling?" Brittany whispered once Santana backed away from her girlfriend.
"I've been better," she answered. "But I'm glad you came."
They spent the rest of the night curled up on Santana's bed, eating their way through the donuts and watching reruns of old sitcoms. Brittany knew Santana well enough to know not to ask her about what had happened earlier at school. If she wanted to talk, she would.
It was nearing midnight when she finally did broach the subject. Brittany was laying on her back with an arm around Santana who was pressed into her side, her own arm around Brittany's waist. Brittany thought Santana had dozed off, but then she heard a slight sniffle and knew her girlfriend was crying. The blonde pressed her lips to Santana's head, silently offering her comfort.
"Are they really mad at me," Santana whispered against Brittany's sweater.
Brittany frowned. "Who Santana?"
"Finn and Mr. Shue and everyone. For what I did."
Brittany turned on her side and brought her other arm around to encircle Santana in a complete hug. "A little. But don't worry about that, okay? Finn totally deserved it."
A watery chuckle could be heard between Brittany's arms. "Yeah he did."
A few more moments of silence passed until Santana spoke again. "Everything's gonna be different now Britt… I don't want it to be." She tightened her grip around Brittany's waist as she felt more tears starting to form.
Brittany sighed into the other girl's hair, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "It'll be okay. I'll be here for you, for whatever you need. And not everything will be different Santana."
"It will be Britt… No one is going to treat me the same. And my family will know, and god only knows what they'll think. And all our teachers and classmates and girls on the Cheerios… They'll look at me different, they'll treat me different," Santana could feel herself starting to lose control over her emotions again, and fear was starting to overcome her. The volume of her voice was steadily increasing and she was shaking with sobs again. "I'm so scared Brittany, and I don't know what to do."
Brittany shushed her while running her hands soothingly down her back, kissing her cheeks, her forehead, her eyelids, every inch of skin she could get at, trying to calm her down. "You're brave, Santana, you'll get through this. The people who don't accept you aren't worth your time and attention. Forget them. And your parents love you, they won't do anything bad to you, I promise." Brittany brought a hand to Santana's face and wiped her tears away, softly kissing her as she did so.
Santana focused on the feel of Brittany's touch and breathed deeply, instantly calmed. She looked at Brittany in the eye, wanting to believe what she said. Brittany offered her a small, closed mouth smile. "And like I said earlier, not everything will be different."
"What won't be different?" Santana thought she knew what Brittany meant, but she wanted to hear it out loud all the same.
"This," Brittany gestured between them. "I still love you, and I'm still going to be with you. None of this changes anything between us, or the way I see you."
Santana smiled in earnest, feeling the momentary warm and bubbling sensation in the pit of her stomach that signaled to her when she was feeling particularly in love. "You're such a cheeseball Britt," Santana mumbled as she once again buried her face in Brittany's sweater, hiding her grin.
"I like cheeseballs San," Brittany said as she tucked Santana's head underneath her chin, closing her eyes and pulling her girlfriend as close to her as possible.
Santana sighed, kissed Brittany's neck, and closed her eyes too. Brittany was right. She would be okay.