I want you.
Fact. It's not like I'm about to deny that. Hell, even Winston could tell, and he barely knows me. It's like it's the most obvious thing of the planet.
I've wanted you from day one, and I think you always knew. Taunting me. Well, teasing is more like it. You know what effect you have on people, and I think sometimes you enjoy it just a smidge too much. My eyes can take in all they want of the world of cute boys around me, but I usually have to just accept that they will never be mine.
But it's alright. I have a life outside of chasing boys. I love the stage. I love becoming the person that no one else thinks of me as being. A romantic lead. An action hero. I can be anything I want to be. Don't get me wrong, I love myself, but I think sometimes people have a hard time imagining I can be something more than the facade. I can be serious. I am more than shallow. I just enjoy vapid pleasures sometimes. Who doesn't? I'm not going to pretend it's high art, but I am sure as hell not going to stop enjoying it just because someone else thinks it's trash. It's all subjective, and that's the beauty of life.
Except you. I'd say your attractiveness is pretty much an empirical fact by this point. You just waltz right down the halls of our fair school, and suddenly you're the hottest guy at Degrassi. It's kind of magical, if I'm honest about it. I wonder what it's like to be that guy - the guy that everyone fawns all over, even if they don't have a chance with them in a million years. It's either the biggest compliment the universe could ever give, or it's the worst kind of curse imaginable. Celebrity, but without all the swag bags.
I refuse to be that guy who stands on the sidelines and let all the cute guys pass him by. I really thought we had a moment in Paris, but I don't really know anymore. It's so... Oh, I don't know. It's a bit liberating to know I am taking control of my love life, but at the same time, it's only been disastrous and unsuccessful. I don't want to be some loser sitting around waiting for love. I want to find love. I want to hunt it down, and catch it, and be able to appreciate it because the chase was well worth it. I wanted that with you. I wanted a romance in Paris, complete with romantic strolls along the Seine, and eclairs in the morning. Kissing under the Eiffel Tower. All that cheesy chick flick kind of stuff that makes Paris seem like the most romantic place on the planet. No one can say I didn't give it a fair shot. You just weren't into it.
Disregarding anyone outside of this potential equation, I think about us. Is that weird? To think about the way you smile at me? Listening to whatever crap I have to go on about, you always seem to be the right person to talk to. You aren't there to make me feel like garbage, but you're also not going to lie to me. Sometimes I need that. I want someone who would be as cool with me as you are.
I want you more than you can understand, and I want you to understand me on every level. I want us to be together, but I don't even know for sure if you would even consider this. I want you so much that it hurts me sometimes, but I can push it away, because I have the best thing we can be. You are my confidant, my best friend. I would give the world just to keep things this way, because it's probably the most we'll ever be. I gave up on having high hopes a long time ago, and I'm just really happy you're my friend. It's fantastic to have someone like you that I can be myself around - a guy friend. It's not really something I've been good at having in the past, and I really don't want to mess this up.
But still, from the very beginning, my feelings haven't changed. I can push them away and ignore them all I want, but it doesn't change that I still wish that I could have you.