I was meant to die today, you think, you reach-hand outstretched, mirroring Eren's-and you cry out as the titan's jaws slam shut and the severed arm falls.
The roof tiles are rough and broken underneath your knees as the titan tips its head back and swallows. You're crying as the titan turns and walks away.
Fifty percent of trainees die on their first mission, you think as you look at the empty space around you. Your squad is dead-even strong, rash Eren who has now saved you too many times and never again.
I was meant to die today. It feels like a truth.
An unmeasurable period of time elapses as you kneel alone on the roof, then Connie is calling you and asking you things. You scream and curse. "Why don't you just die," you spit in the face of your weakness, "you're so fucking useless. Just die already."
Ymir and Connie begin to argue, and Ymir says, she says, "I can't exactly tip my hat off to Eren and his squad for saving this guy, he's like the least competent of us…"
Even so, Connie offers you his hand as they prepare to move on. He has heard the truth which only you and Ymir have recognized yet and he offers you his hand just like Eren-
-you can't.
You make your excuses and run as they move to the front line. They are the front line now. This world is hell and you were meant to die today.
Eren is dead by your fault, and here are more of your classmates who just this morning were flushing nervous but in love and promising to be there for each other, to save the other if it cost their life. Eren is dead and Franz is dead and Hannah can't see it.
No more you say, no more. I can't take this any more.
"There's an obvious solution to that," you say on the rooftop with Connie and Mikasa. You fall into a crouch to grasp at and remove the cylinders from your gear. "Not that I have an awful lot of gas, but-hurry up and replace yours with these."
They look at you, dumbfounded, and Mikasa calls your name.
"This is the only way," you cry. "There's no point in me having it, just-be more careful with it this time. So that you can save everyone."
Mikasa stares blankly at you as you load up her gear, check that it is okay. You give her all your blades save a tiny broken one- "I'll just keep this, if no one minds. I'd-rather avoid being eaten if I can help it."
Without a word Mikasa takes it and drops it down the side of the building. You track the blade's path-do you follow after?-before Mikasa grasps your wrist.
"I'm not abandoning you here."
Connie takes hold of your wrist instead, towing you after him as they begin to run.
No you think. There are too many titans. You'll die if you have to carry my weight with you as well.
You catch sight of that strange titan.
"Wait," you say. "I have an idea."
I was meant to die today, you think, but with Eren and Mikasa impossibly strong beside you (as they always have been), you think perhaps you will not.
This world is hell, but Eren, impossible Eren, has found a way to fight back and Mikasa's will to fight has returned. You were meant to die today, but for now you will live. This too is a truth.