: who :
Who do I truly love?
It's a question that's been bothering me for a long time.
Ever since that day, I've never truly known.
:do:
"Is that true?... Are you really—stupid?"
: I :
How could just those words in that soft, almost monotone, emotionless voice open my eyes so much I wanted to cry? How could the one person I told myself I hated understand?
:truly:
He saved me. Not just from myself but from everything else. The other me came out less and less and I finally knew what other emotions felt like.
She loved me—back. With her tender kisses and smooth skin, we loved each other.
He ignored my implications even though I knew he knew. He coldly rejected me by completely ignoring the entire situation or by asking, sometimes telling me flatly to stop saying such silly things.
She protected me. She put herself in danger to save me. Yet while she disappeared (for my sake I now know) I fell deeper and deeper in love with him.
-::-
I thought I knew she was my one and only. Yet as I kissed her, I thought of him—and what his own soft, girlish lips might feel (and taste) like; as I brushed my thin fingers across her powder-smooth skin, I thought of him and if I would ever touch his own smooth skin like I touched hers.
I felt as if I were cheating, and adulterer, a whore—but I knew if I ever told him (in search for those reassuring words he told me long ago) he would tell me with the most solemn look to his face, "that's absurd."
But why? Why is it absurd? I love Rin (don't I?), yet whenever I express my love to her, I think of you and wish she were you ... Don't you get it? I don't just tell you I love you just to say it to your face—I truly mean it every time, and yet you ignore it like those words are simply meaningless …
Perhaps I continue to love Rin solely to tell myself that love is worth something.
But perhaps I am just playing an extended game of pretend.
:love?:
Who do I truly love?
It's a question that's been bothering me ever since that day.
But perhaps now I think I have a better clue.
:who:
It's you.
: e n d :