Affably Evil

./*/.

"HRAAAAH!" screeched a green-clad teenager clutching a shiny sword with a purple hilt as he violently attacked a door. Finally getting through it, he prepared himself for the epic battle ahead, equipping his highly-polished shield and brandishing his equally lustrous blade...at a large red-haired man sat behind a desk. The man scowled at the intruder, but his heart didn't seem to be in it. It was almost like he was used to this.

"Did you really have to break the door down-" He glanced at the sheet of paper on his desk. "-Sir Theophylaktos Renda IV?"

"...Um, actually, my name's Link..." said the teen rather dazedly. He'd expected a glorious combat between expert swordsmen, not...whatever this was.

"Oh? Well, do you have an appointment?" Link went to open his mouth, but was cut off before he could say anything. "Ah, no matter. If Sir Theophylaktos is not your good self, then I expect he has run afoul of one of my guards. They are a mite overprotective, I'm afraid. Oh, but it does mean that I have a bit of an interval between rendezvous, that's nice. But tell me – I haven't seen you before. Is this your first crack at heroism?" asked the loathsome despot in a manner most pleasant.

"Um, well, yes, I suppose..."

"I can tell. Breaking down doors is rather...well, tacky, to be frank. If you really feel the need to break something, save it for your enemy's nose, or at least go through the window – far more stylish, if a little painful if you do it wrong. Might I give you a few more pointers? I think you might need them."

"Um-"

"See, there's another flaw already! Stop with the 'um's. It makes you sound unsure of yourself. You need to be confident! Confidence is threatening."

"...Uh-"

"Oh, look, there you go again. You might want to hire a speech therapist. And you'll definitely want to work on your 'determined hero' face, you look rather more constipated than scary."

"Excuse m-?"

"And that battle stance! My, how could you ever have contemplated surviving five minutes, let alone defeating me? Just look at yourself, man! I could knock you down with a feather, you're so unbalanced!"

Link made an undecipherable noise of outrage. "I'll have you know that I am top of my swordfighting class!" he spluttered angrily.

"Then I'm afraid that you are surrounded by idiots," deadpanned the ginger tyrant. At the teenager's expression, his gaze softened and he added in a kindly tone, handing him a piece of paper, "Look, here's the name and address of a real blademaster. Tell him I sent you, he'll be sure to take you on." Ganon smiled reassuringly. "You've got some potential, kid, don't waste it. Now, I've got ten minutes before the next appointment, and I'd like a nice cup of tea and some custard creams before then. Good luck, kid."

"Um- I mean, you too, ah, sir?" said the rather bemused hero-to-be before being ushered out by a somewhat apologetic-looking Darknut – although how exactly he knew that the great armoured fiend was apologetic he had no idea; it wasn't as if he could even see its face.

As he exited the huge castle that could be qualified with all adjectives rhyming with 'exhume', such as doom and gloom and loom and tomb, he noticed a rather sodden figure crawling out of the moat. Link offered a hand that was gladly taken and helped the armoured stranger back onto his feet. The younger man, having idea of what had happened, simply asked, "Are you, by any chance, Sir Renda of the Hyrulian Knights?"

"Why yes," faltered Sir Theophylaktos the Fourth, not entirely recovered from his dip in the scum-filled fosse. "How did you know?"

"I'm afraid you'll have to reschedule your appointment."

Disclaimer: The Legend of Zelda is not mine. Neither are custard creams, no matter how much I want that to be the opposite.

A/N: I wrote this because all four of my other oneshots are at least marginally depressing. I wanted a bit of contrast and came up with this. I am quite pleased with how well it turned out.

A clarification for any American readers: custard creams are a very popular kind of British sandwich-type biscuit. I can say in all honesty that they are the best biscuits ever (although chocolate digestives are a close second). And if you were wondering, then yes, the title was taken from tvtropes.

Thank you for reading and until the next time,

Idoloni