("See to me first." Continued!)
"I know there's somewhere better 'cause you always take me there."
My bed used to be cold at night. I'd climb in, rubbing my feet against the sheets to stop the ice cold feeling that was inevitable. It's not cold now. Not anymore. Tonight, in fact, it is wonderfully warm. My body is hot, sweaty and so is hers. Her skin clings to mine and it is like a blessing. Her hair sticks to her reddened face but I know she likes it because it means I will gently tuck it behind her ear and stroke her cheek with the back of my fingers. And I do.
She kisses me goodbye in the morning. Every morning. She always does. Gentle, quick, like a habit. Like she was going to do it every day for the rest of her life. She smiles as she does it, and it's real. She is real smiling and I don't think she's real smiled for such a long time. It makes my heart pang with love.
I think I make her happy. I know she makes me happy. In the beginning it was nervous, awkward, absolutely terrifying. Already it was comfortable, warm, normal. She has become my mornings and my evenings. She is my lunches and dinners and middle of the night cuddles.
We haven't spoken since we climbed up from the stained rug and stumbled into her bed, our bed. We don't need to. Silence is okay because I can hear the gentle rhythm of her heart on my chest and once upon a time, I never imagined I would. Not because we used to hate each other, not even because once I used to have nightmares that she would make her heart stop beating altogether. But because I have never seen myself as a lucky person; and now, I feel so very incredibly lucky.
"Nick?" I almost think she has fallen asleep and her voice startles me. She moves her head and her sleepy, green, green eyes almost twinkle at me.
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry for ruining your surprise, baby." My hands feel big when they run along the length of her back, warm and clammy hands against her skin.
I chuckle and I can feel her smile. She had more than made up for it, and I know that she knows it, "I'll let ya off."
It's dark but I know she is grinning and even the thought makes me grin back, "Mm, will you now?"
I nod, "Uh huh!"
"Because I'm very talented at… making it up to you?"
Somehow, I am above her and she is below me and her laugh is something I swear could fix any problem. I grin, kissing her neck once before I nod, "Exactly that."
She wraps her arms around my neck and our naked bodies press together in a way that is so much more intimate than sex. In that moment, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like the world is wobbling beneath my feet, like everything is within grasp and yet completely out of reach. She is watching me, reading me and she does the head tilt thing that makes my knees weak and so I just smile again.
By the time my head is on the pillow, she is stroking my skin and kissing and her nose rubs against my face, like she is the softest, neediest person I know. And she is. "What's on your mind, Tilsley?" It's a whisper and I almost don't hear it but I do and she knows I do.
The room is silent, except for the sound of Carla's lips kissing my face every few seconds like she couldn't bear to break contact. Eventually, I speak. Because I need her to know what is on my mind, what is always on my mind and what I hope one day, will never be on my mind.
"I'm scared."
"Scared?" She doesn't say it how you might imagine; she isn't sarcastic or unbelieving. She is listening.
"Uh huh. Of you."
I feel her body tense, like she is thinking over everything she has done that might have ruined what we have, like I might be giving up on her because I am the only one that hasn't and she still waits for the day I might.
"You scare me to death."
"I scare you?"
I shuffle so she lays back again, so she is against the pillows and I am slightly above her and she is safe. I stroke her cheek because somehow her twinkling eyes seem a little less sparkling, she looks… I think she looks scared.
I am smiling as I kiss her forehead and then catch her eyes again, nodding, "You scare me, because… Leanne." She pulls back in confusion, that is not what she is expecting and this is not exactly what I expected to say. "Leanne?!"
"I loved her like mad. I mean really, it nearly sent me mad." I give a gentle laugh at the perplexed look on her face and I can't resist kissing her crinkled nose. "I didn't think I could love anyone else, after her. I didn't think there was any love I had left to give. She broke me, worse than the brain damage, I think."
My words are confusing me, I suppose they must confuse her too but I want her to know because it matters, "I guess I just didn't think Carla Connor would be the one to fix that. I didn't think I could love anyone and I especially didn't think I could love anyone more than I had loved her."
Her hands are fiddling with the ends of my hair and damn, I love her.
"So yes, you scare me. Because losing her nearly sent me crazy. Losing you definitely would."
Her eyes aren't scared anymore, they're so warm, they're greener than ever. They're damp with tears but they're so loveable. She is so loveable.
"Then don't lose me, Nick. Just keep me close. Keep me really close, hold me really tight." Her voice breaks when she whispers, "please" and it nearly breaks me.
"You can count on that." I kiss her cheek as I lay against the bed and curl her up against me again, like I am protecting her from the world. I suppose I am.
I can tell she is nearly asleep already because the familiar sound of her breathing softening fills the room and all the time, I stroke my fingertips down her back because it is her favourite.
"Nick?" She whispers again and I nod in response, "Yeah?"
"That's the only time you'll be allowed to say another woman's name in our bed and get away with it."
The bed isn't cold tonight; it never really is these days.