Space. It was large, and it was dark. And cold too. Coolest than the peak of Mount Everest. A person would immediately freeze to death as soon as they were caught there unprotected. Thankfully, nothing was cooler than Cool Cat.
"Hi, everybody! It's me! Cool Cat, haha!"
As the hologram of giant orange cat-man appeared in front of the Alliance council, there were some cheers, after all, even if those men and women were the leaders of Earth, the man in front of them was an intergalactic hero, known for the eradication of bullying in trolling across the entire Derekian system.
"Hi there, son," the president of the Alliance council, Lord Derek o' Savage spoke with a large smile, "How's everything on your ship?"
"It's going grrr-Fantastic, Daddy Derek!" Cool Cat said in his suave voice, "We've eliminated the forces of Butch the Bully in Rotten IV. He didn't stand a chance, haha!"
"Alright son, I'm proud of ya," Derek belly laughed. His manly chest hair protruding from within the gaps between the buttons of his Councilman suit, "But listen, Cool Cat. We've received reports from the outer rims of the galaxy. It looks like a new batch of troublemakers are out there. They have sent us this."
Daddy Derek looked to his side to his technological advisor, Breenbot 3000 who, beep-booping along, sent forward another hologram. It was a postcard, a peculiar one at that: It had a black background and slightly faded grey cogs drawn on it. Overlaid on top were words in white, in an ancient form of writing called Comic Sans MS. It read: "Cool Cat? Huh! More like Cool Scat!"
"I'm being bullied in my own ship!?" Cool Cat gasped, clutching his manly, broad chest, "Who sent this? Identify yourself!"
"That's what we're counting on you for, Commander Cat," said Senator A. Fox, next to Daddy Derek, "Find this miscreant and end his bullying. Permanently."
As Cool Cat nodded, he looked towards Daddy Derek again. In his father's eyes, he could see worry, worry that his son and his galaxy's greatest hero could not make it out of this one. Cool Cat, however, raised his hand in a thumbs up. He would go out there and he would save the galaxy once again. And still be in time for the prom the next day.
As he turned the comms off, Cool Cat returned to the hull of his ship, the Normeowdy, where his crew was off working on repairs and preparing the new trip. Cool Cat switched his radio on, looking at his wrist comms where now a small hologram of his engineer appeared:
"Chris, what's the status on our engine?"
"I'm working on it!" the engineer said in a disjointed drawl, rubbing his sweaty hands against his unique red and blue striped jumpsuit, "There's some darn martian flies running wild in here, y'all!"
"Well get that derekdang thing outta there," Cool cat said sternly.
"I'm working on it!" Chris replied in a higher and whinier pitch, "I'm working on it!"
Cool Cat cut off comms with his engineer, using his right paw. Hand? Pawhand. He used his pawhand to touch his face, expunging the tiredness from his large sometimes unblinking eyes.
"That boy ain't right."
He got up from his commanders chair, walking across the bridge towards the pilot's cockpit. On his way over there, he heard all of the compliments and praise from the crew to him. The lustful gaze of the women and the words of admiration from the men. Cool Cat even made a point to violently german suplex one of his lietenants, small Ness, in order to increase squad morale. As he got up, now a skeleton named Sans Undertale, he violently praised Cool Cat for his coolness. Cool Cat saluted him on his good service and, telling him to clean up his blood and gattsu, continued on his way across the bridge.
Finally reaching the pilot's chamber, he passed through the sliding metallic door as the ship's AI announced his arrival. Immediately, pilot and co-pilot turned on their anti-grav chairs to look at their dashingly good-looking captain.
"DEREHEIS!" Said co-pilot Erik Estrada from popular 1970's sitcom Chips, coked out of his mind to the point where his right eye was almost popping out of his skull.
"Hi everybody, haha!" Cool Cat greeted, uplifting squad morale again.
The pilot turned around then. His ruffled brown hair was perfect as always, sapphire eyes staring straight at Cool Cat's very soul. There was no man better in the galaxy, nay, the universe to steer and run a tight ship than infamous Todd Howard.
"Commander, I'm glad you're here," the tall pilot said, "I was just finishing porting my holo-game Spacerim onto our AI."
"Wow, that's great, haha!" Cool Cat said, with the exaggerated body language of a 29 year old computer technician stuck inside a fur suit that reeks of booze and old blood, "But, won't that mess up our AI?"
"Listen, Commander," Todd held out his hands as if he was holding the world's largest and yummiest sammich, "It just works."
"Oh well, I guess that's fine, haha," Cool Cat said with a nod, "Anyway, we have a mission to do. Mr. Howard, how far can the hypurrdrive take us?"
"You see that star system over there? We can warp there."
Cool Cat nodded with affirmation and they set the course. Colours flickered wildly on the outside as the Normeowdy accelerated past light speed and past the speed with which the author of this mess regrets ever learning how to write. A loud sound could be heard as the phallic ship ruptured through time and space, as crew members were shaken inside the magnanimous vessel yet Cool Cat stood tall like all big and strong heroes do. In his mind, he thought about how jiggly the boobies on his female crew members should be at that moment. "Nice" he thought to himself with arousal.
Just as suddenly as it had started, the hyperdrive stopped. The colours outside had disappeared for most everybody on board, the exception being the two pillheads down on the sickbay which were having a right ol' giggle. Cool Cat peered through the mass of space, as they approached the orbit of what was a mostly uncharted flat planet, Woke XI.
"We've arrived, Commander," Mr. Howard announced with objectivity.
"But I don't seen anything," Cool Cat denoted, using his newly acquired eye-lids to squint like a detective in the 40s who were the cool ones because they solved crimes with their hunches and not damn DNA tests, son, "Wow! Cool moon!"
Cool Cat always enjoyed looking at the spherical planets more than the flat ones. Mostly because they actually made sense and were not a weird conspiracy theory. But also because they reminded him of other round objects, like yarn balls, oranges, big boobies and the GameSphere.
"Wait…" Erik Estrada awoke from his slurred half-dead stupor, "That's no moon, Vivica!"
Contrary to common thought, the coked out Hollywood has-been was right. As the large round object grew closer, it became clearer and clearer that it was in fact a gigantic, spherical, copyright free space station. Not only that, it was charging up a gigantic laser, aimed right at them:
"Oh furck!" Cool Cat cursed, but in a PG way so it was ok, "Mr. Howard evasive manoeuvres!"
The pilot complied, doing cool flips and shit, dodging out of the way of the laser. A man that was so accustomed to avoid the truth and to sell lies would not have any trouble dodging around something as derivative and mundane as a super mega death beam.
"Mr. Chandler!" Cool Cat called on his inter comm, "Are the guns operational?"
"I'm working on it!"
"Work on it you furkin reyarn!" Cool Cat shouted, "Aim the Sonichubeams and zap to the extreme!"
"You don't have to tell me twice!" the engineer said like a bamboozled eggplant, "But in the Stone Age."
The ship's cannons shot back, sending yellow beams of energy that as they hit the space-station let out colourful explosions, with pickles flying in every direction for some reason. I forgot where I was going with this joke. An epic space catfighting battle took place, as both ship and space-station traded attacks, with blaster fire and missiles being shot from side to side, the Normeowdy's speed and agility allowing it to keep fighting while dodging the return fire, whilst the station's strong armour and coating of space pickles protected it from major damage.
"Mr. Howard," Cool Cat called in a cool and leaderly way, "Take us closer. I'll get inside."
"That's suicide, Commander!" Todd responded with doubt, "They'll kill you like a baby."
"I love babies," Cool Cat said, with great timing and context, "And I'll teach them that bullying is wrong. Take me closer."
As the fire on Cool Cat's eyes burned brighter, so too did the flames took the hearts and souls of the entire crew. Mr. Howard performed some quite extraordinary flying as he dodged past the lasers and the missiles. At one point it seemed like the laser had even gone completely through the ship, but the hit detection wasn't really well done, so they escaped unscathed. It was quite Bethesdical really. The entry point was obvious, but dangerous. The laser itself.
Cool Cat had left the pilot cockpit now, he was standing in standby in the escape pod, ready to land inside the space station. With his space armour and his COOL CAT LOVES YOU shirt on, he readied his two beam swords, the black and white one, spinning them in his hands, slowing down his breathing.
"Daddy Derek, furgive me… But I must go all out. Just this once."
The pod was unleashed by the Normeowdy as it flew overhead, barely dodging the laser blast as the capsule flew in between the gap of the laser site and the station's armour, like the sperm traversing through the fallopian tubes. Or when you're in a train station that has grails on the floor and you drop coins there and they are never coming back. But Cool Cat was coming back. He had nine lives.
The pod hit the inside of station with the might of Zeus, destoying the laser's firing mechanism. As soldiers in legally distinct armour gathered around it, Cool Cat kicked the door away, pushing soldiers in its wake, crushing them against the walls of the station. The feline fencer jumped off and was immediately surround by Bullies who were pointing their guns at him. Fools.
Cool Cat spun around himself like a tornado, using his beam swords to cut past the evils of bullying, delivering cuts of justice and good table manners to the evil trolls who had no way to stop him in his crusade. To another person, it might seem that Cool Cat was committing wanton murder, especially when he repeatedly stabbed someone on the floor after they were pleading for mercy, but Daddy Derek says it was ok to maim and mutilate as long as he was using his katanas running on alturnatul fuel, because it was good for the arenvironmints.
After he spread some cranberry juice on the walls, it was time to move inside. He passed by the corridors, splashing some more respect and dignity through decapitation and lollygagging until he reached what he thought was the control room. A large black void filled the area, with only computer lights breaking the blackness in the walls. In front of them, a figure dressed in all black carrying a beam katana in its right hand.
"Finally, you have arrived."
The figure turned around. Its face was hidden by the shadow of a hood, but its armour looked quite advanced and intimidating, with neon red lights running through it. The weapon in the figure's hand looked like an extra-long question mark.
"I'm Cool Cat and I love all kids!" The hero announced, skilfully moving his weapons, "And you are the mean bully who said the bad things about me!"
"You love all kids, huh?" The figure began to walk forward. As he did, a doubt began to grow in Cool Cat's heart. That voice. It sounded robotic and distorted, but, something within it. Something within it was familiar, "Not all kids. You just thought to yarnself. There's no problem in spreading my seed around. Surely nothing bad would happen. Something would never take you down. The great hero Cool Cat, saviour of the galaxy. You claim to love all kids huh? But you didn't even love your son."
The figure lunged forward as weapons clashed with such magnitude that it threw the hood of Cool Cat's assailant backwards. Cool Cat felt his jaw drop as he saw that who was attacking him was a cat person like him, that looked almost exactly like him were it not for the large scar across his left eye that looked like an exclamation mark.
"Furnicate with bitches and whores!" The attacker cried, "What could PAWSSIBLY GO WRONG!"
Cool Cat's guard was broken and he felt pain take him as the scarred bobcat struck him in the abdomen, using his free hand to hold his neck in a choke hold.
"Bubsy…" Cool Cat whimpered, "My son… Why?"
As Cool Cat's limp, lifeless body fell to the ground, Bubsy snickered, pulling his hood back up:
"Welcome to Trump's Galaxy, dad."