Disclaimer: I do not own CSI.
Sacrifice
She woke up clutching his pillow. His scent lingered, offering her momentary comfort. The feeling did not last. If she was clutching his pillow, it meant that he wasn't in the bed. She opened her eyes and confirmed her fears. His side of the bed was empty. He had left again. Twice he had taken her to his home, made love to her and left after she had fallen asleep.
She wasn't sure what she'd expected. She promised him an affair, no strings attached. She gave him the power to set the parameters if their relationship. She knew not to expect any more than he could give, so why did it hurt so much? Was she complicating things? She'd always managed to complicate their relationship and he didn't want anything complicated. He had his career to think about. A relationship with her could cost him his job; it could cost him the life he built for himself. That was the last thing she wanted. She knew how important his work was to him. It was important to her too. She didn't want to jeopardize his career. All she wanted was him, anyway she could have him, and she had him, or at least a part of him. She'd gotten the one thing she'd always wanted. He'd taken her home. She was in his bed. Why did she feel so lonely?
She hadn't the right to feel this way. She should be happy. She was happy. She'd just spent the past four days walking on air. What was missing? He hadn't promised her anything. She had asked him to just go with it and he did. She wanted to take whatever she could get, sacrificing herself in order to get whatever piece of him he'd give her, hoping in time, that everything else would fall into place. Did he know what she was sacrificing? How much of herself she was giving up just to gain a small piece of him? Did he know the agony she felt over loving a man who could never love her back? He couldn't. He couldn't know the torment she felt simply by being in love with him.
It was almost beyond belief that he'd even taken her to his home. What had possessed him four mornings ago, in that locker room? He'd shown looking confused. She'd been getting ready to leave, pulling her jacket from her locker. He'd come by, to check up on her in all likelihood. He'd been doing that a lot recently. She'd felt the need to reassure him. She'd given him a smile that said, "It's okay; I'm alright. You don't have to worry about me anymore." And she was alright. She was finally moving past the hurt and the pain that came from both her past and the realization that she could never have him. She was trying to move on, although she knew her smile didn't reflect that. It was hard to look at him and not long to be with him, especially when he was being as supportive as he had been recently.
She wasn't sure how they'd ended up at his place that morning. Did he offer her a ride home and take her to his place instead? No, she hadn't needed a ride home and he wouldn't have offered unless she'd asked. What was it then? She remembered him taking her hand and silently leading her to his car. She'd followed in a dreamlike state, unsure of what was happening. As soon as he'd taken her hand, her mind had ceased to function. The spell had only been broken when he broke off their first kiss. That was when she found herself sitting on his bed, and in that moment, she realized that he wasn't entirely sure of what they were doing either. She only knew that he'd finally let her in, or at least part of the way in. Her foot was in the door, and before he could slam that door shut and bolt, she had needed to reassure him. She'd offered him an affair, promised to keep it a secret, promised to keep their professionals lives professional. She'd told him she'd ask for nothing, expect nothing. He'd questioned whatever was beginning between them. "It is what it is," she'd told him. She just wanted to be with him and she'd take only what he was willing to give. Somehow, it had worked. What followed was the most beautiful experience of her life. Afterwards, she'd fallen asleep, happier than she'd ever been. When she woke up, he was gone.
Would he leave after every time they made love? Maybe he needed space. If it was space he needed, she'd give it to him. But if that was what he needed, then why did he take her to his home? Would he have left right after if they'd made love at her place? When she'd first discovered he'd left his bed, she had considered going home and giving him the space he needed, only she hadn't had her car. He'd driven her and she had been afraid to get out of bed and call a cab, not knowing what he'd think or how he'd react. Besides, she had still been in a state of bliss following their first time together and she wanted to lie in his bed and bask in it. She'd finally been with the man she'd always wanted and it was even better than she'd ever imagined. Their lovemaking had been almost spiritual in its intensity. Their souls had merged. She belonged to him. He held her heart, her soul, and she couldn't bear it if he ever let go.
Yet, she'd given him the option. If it became too much for him and he wanted to end it, she promised to respect his choice. She wasn't sure that she could go on without him if he did decide to end what they had. A part of her would die, but she'd promised him. Why was she willing to sacrifice herself for him? She'd given him the power to destroy her. She only hoped that when he left his bed both times, he thought about what it was he wanted so she could know where she stood. If he decided he couldn't handle the affair, it would be better to let him go now before she was in too deep. As it was, she was barely keeping afloat.
She couldn't go back to feeling the way she'd felt only a month and a half ago. She ran her hand along his pillow and remembered the day when despair threatened to overtake her. She was trying to let him go, trying desperately to fight off her feelings, when she was caught in a conversation with him. The conversation had left her sad. She had thought she'd never have him and had known then, she'd never be able to let him go.
Yearning. Her body ached with it. Every time she saw Sofia lean in to him or watched as they casually flirted, her heart would skip a beat, her chest would tighten and her breath would catch. She knew he was intrigued by Sofia and Sofia was attracted to him. It seemed easy for them, like it used to be with her. She wasn't sure their flirtations would amount to anything, but the thoughts left her worried and more than a little jealous.
After her suspension, she decided to let go of everything that was unhealthy for her and one of those unhealthy weights was him. Try as she might though, she couldn't let go. She reminded herself that he didn't want what she wanted. Every time she tried to move on, she saw him for the beautiful man he was. He had been very supportive of her recently. He had been gentle and caring and kind, asking her how she was doing and talking through problems with her. When they worked together, she was reminded of his intelligence and his passion. While every reasonable part of her brain screamed for her to let him go, every emotional part told her to hang on. It was getting harder to ignore her emotional side, especially as he became more available to her again.
She found him at the after she finished her interrogation at the police department. She watched him from the doorway to his office. He was sitting at his desk, looking through a file. A smile played at her lips. She took a few minutes to observe before she knocked softly and cleared her throat. He looked up at her.
"I just got back from the interrogation."
He gestured to the seat in front of his desk. "How'd it go?"
She sat down in the chair and sighed. "She admitted it was an accident. She said she would rather confess to murder than become a comedian's punch line."
She watched as he threw his head back and let out his own long sigh. He was beautiful to watch when he displayed his sensitivity. "It's sad, people making jokes at others' expense that way."
"She's probably lived with it her whole life. She has almost no self esteem. She was even willing to sleep with a man who rejected her in public."
He sat up straight and rested his forearms on the desk. He leaned forward. "She wanted to feel loved, desired, even if only for a moment."
"She's really a sweet girl. She shouldn't have had to settle for that. She has a lot of attractive qualities. Then again, I guess we all settle when we can't have what we want." She stood up and turned to the door, but was stopped by a hand on her arm. She looked to her side and saw him beside her, leaning over his desk with his hand resting lightly on her arm. She looked at him questioningly.
"Sara…"
She watched him as he paused. She tried to read his eyes, but saw too many emotions playing off of it. She looked down at his hand resting on her arm. She looked back up at him, but he was still silent. "It's okay, Griss. Look, I'll see you later."
"Sara, wait." He stopped her before she could turn away. His hand grasped her wrist lightly. "You know, Greg asked me an interesting question a few minutes ago in the break room."
She decided to lighten the mood and allow him to escape the conversation. "You saw Greg? Is he still complaining about his neck?"
"You know Greg." He smiled softly, but didn't release her wrist. "Anyways, he asked me what attracts me."
She looked into his eyes then down at her feet. She was afraid of his answer, but wanted to hear it none-the-less. "And?"
"I told him it was someone who doesn't judge me."
She looked up at him and saw sadness cross his eyes. He released her wrist. She spoke softly, "I've never judged you Grissom." She turned and walked out of his office, feeling his eyes on her back.
A month and a half later, after a year and a half of trying to let go, she'd gotten what she wanted. She remembered how hard it had been to move on. Why did it have to be so hard? Why couldn't she just let him go? He'd made it so difficult. He listened and held her hand as she'd told him about her past. He'd held her hand when he took her home from the police station the night she nearly got a DUI. He'd made it impossible for her to move on. She'd tried for a year and a half, pulling away from him, distancing herself from him, throwing herself into her work. The sting of his rejection had been so fresh in her mind. She'd felt the rejection every day for the entire year and a half. She'd discovered he could care for her, but couldn't risk it and she still couldn't let go. All those years of wanting, yearning, she wanted to hate him, be angry at him, blame him. It wasn't his fault though. She was the one to chase him, the one to ask him out. Did she really believe he'd toss aside his way of life for her? He'd never promised her anything, or led her on in any way. He'd been nothing but supportive of her over the years. Sure he'd been clueless at times, and he wasn't always the most emotionally available man, but he was Grissom and no one could expect him to be any different.
Four mornings ago, she had been glad she hadn't let him go. He was taking the risk now. Despite her assurances to keep everything private, their affair was still a risk. Maybe he did want to be with her. Maybe she could hope for more. She chastised herself for getting her hopes up, even though the thoughts were brief. Every time she'd gotten her hopes up before, he'd crushed them. What was she setting herself up for now? She had to remind herself that it was just an affair and it could end in a moments notice. He'd left the bed…twice. He could be reconsidering and even if they continued their affair, she was sure he wouldn't allow it to go any deeper. She couldn't ask that of him either. She'd complicated their relationship enough as it was. She didn't want to complicate it even more by asking for something he couldn't give.
The thoughts swirling around in her mind were threatening to drive her insane. She clutched the pillow against her chest and wondered if he'd return to the bed or sleep elsewhere. She wondered if there wasn't so much standing in between them, if he'd be willing to give more. There wouldn't always be so much standing in their way. Would he open up more when he didn't have so much to lose? Could she wait that long? Was the hope of something more enough to keep her going, keep her in an affair that could break her heart? The hope of something more had always sustained her before. Was she destined to keep waiting, giving all of herself and taking only whatever he decided to give?
She took a deep breath and buried her face in his pillow. Where had all her strength gone? She was completely at his mercy. Why was she doing this to herself? The only reason she could come up with him was that she loved him. She had since she met him. She'd been blown away by his passion and intelligence. It didn't hurt that he was attractive and had the most intensely beautiful eyes she'd ever seen. He had the ability to bring out the very best in her. She'd always loved him. She could never love another man the way she loved him. He was a part of her. He was everything.
Tears sprang to her eyes as she thought about how desperately in love with him she was. Oh, how she loved him. Oh, how he tortured her soul. How long could she bear the suffering? She couldn't leave. She'd never leave, even if the affair never went anywhere. She loved him too much for that. She'd never be happier, more complete, than when he touched her, or caressed her, or made love to her. He had her heart. He'd always had it. Could the memory of what they shared be enough to sustain her if he broke off the affair? What would she lose if he chose to end it? She was so deeply and tragically in love with him. The moment he'd entered her, she'd fallen. He was everything she'd ever wanted. He was tender, passionate, intelligent, beautiful. He treated her body reverently. Both times they'd made love, he'd made her feel beautiful, worshiped. She was lost in him.
She continued to weep as she flipped onto her back and stared up at the ceiling, still holding his pillow to her chest and strengthening her grip. She had so many questions and no answers. She needed to find out what he wanted. She needed to know where she stood. If she knew where she stood, she could deal with it. She'd do whatever he wanted if it meant more time with him. As heartbreaking as it was, she'd have to respect any choice he decided to make. If she had to go home after they made love, so be it. She could always fall asleep with the memories of what they'd shared. If there wasn't a chance of more, at least she'd have a piece of him, the piece that belonged solely to her.
Wiping away at her tears, she climbed out of bed and searched for something to cover herself with. She found her underwear and his shirt. She slipped them on, tied back her hair and went off in search of him. She found him sitting on the back steps. She watched as he threw something under the steps and turned his head. She stared at him, trying to summon the courage to speak. She needed him to say something, anything, before she could speak. He stood up and faced her. "Hi."
"Hey."
"You're awake."
"Yeah." She tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear and gazed at him. "What are you doing?"
"Thinking."
She steadied herself. She had to talk with him, to tell him to lay out what he wanted. She could do this. "Listen Griss, I know this is just supposed to be an affair. I promised I wouldn't complicate things. I just wanted to know…you left your own bed twice now. I can go home to sleep if you'd be more comfortable. I…I need to know what you want me to do."
She waited for his answer. She felt so vulnerable as she stood in front of him and watched his eyes study her. She completely opened herself to him, her eyes begging him to not let go, not hurt her, not destroy her.
"Sara, about this whole affair…"
There it was, the words she'd been afraid of. He was letting her go. She tried to remain strong, when really, she was dying inside. Her heart stopped beating. She felt as though she couldn't breathe. She closed her eyes to steady herself. After a moment, she opened her eyes and took a deep breath. "Oh. I see. This was a mistake. You don't want this. You want me to go."
"No, stay. I want you to stay."
She looked up at him. Her eyes widened. He slowly moved towards her, closing the distance between them. His hand came up and tenderly cupped her cheek. She closed her eyes again and leaned into his hand. Her eyes were still shut when she felt his mouth on land softly on hers, capturing her in a long, gentle kiss. When he broke the kiss, she finally opened her eyes. She gazed at him and smiled.
She felt her hand being grasped and she was being led to the bedroom. He kissed her in the doorway before leading her to the bed. She climbed onto the bed and found herself immediately cradled in his arms. She closed her eyes as she felt his lips place a light kiss on the back of her neck. She sighed and fell into a peaceful sleep, knowing when she woke up, she'd still be in his arms.
Fin