ENTER THE AWESOME DIARY OF KONOHA STATE UNIVERSITY'S NUMBER ONE LOUDMOUTH PRANKSTER NINJA (yes, from now on, I've decided I will be a ninja. They're so cool!)--UZUMAKI NARUTO!
Actually, since it's my diary (wait, no, man-journal), you probably shouldn't enter...so, yeah! Enter and I'll beat the shit out of you bastards!
So, the name's Uzumaki Naruto. Wait, I already said that...Anyway, I'm eighteen years old and I just entered Konoha State University. Wait, I said that too... Whatever. I was given this diary man-journal to "record my thoughts and aspirations, since I am now entering manhood." I'm pretty sure Jiraiya only said that 'cause my old man was there, 'cause later he told me I'd better keep records on the girls, not my thoughts. That perverted ass is exploiting my college experience for his stupid porn books! Oh yeah, Jiraiya is the one that raised me, since my parents are always away on business trips. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's fun to see him explode when I call him "Nanny Jiraiya."
Besides, there's only one girl for me: Haruno Sakura. She's been in my class since the sixth grade and now we're even going to the same university! Yet, even though I am super cool and sexy, somehow, Sakura-chan does not love me.
What is a kickass ninja to do?
I'll just have to come up with a foolproof plan to win Sakura-chan's heart!
That's What She Said
by Tragedy of Madness
Ch. 1
A young, yellow-haired teen walked out of his freshman dorm, locking the door behind him as he went. He had lost far too many pairs of sunglasses and headphones to theft already. Swinging his messenger bag onto his shoulder, he stopped by the lounge to say "hey" to a few people before his eight o'clock class. Why did he sign up for a class before noon?
"Hey, Shikamaru," he said, flicking a boy with his hair up in a high ponytail in the forehead.
Shikamaru tugged one of his iPod earbuds out of his ear so he could actually hear his friend. "Hey, Naruto."
"Radiohead and cookies again?" Naruto asked, gesturing to the iPod and snacks.
"Nah, The Vapors. You'll like this one, ninja-boy," Shikamaru said, handing an earbud over to Naruto.
I think I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so
Naruto grinned. His friends knew about his latest obsession with ninjas. "Nice, but I gotta get to my eight o'clock class."
"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered.
"We on for boxes tonight?"
"No. I told you, I'm not doing that. Get someone else to jump out of boxes and scare the shit out of people with you," Shikamaru replied flatly.
Naruto pouted. "Fine, I will. OI! LEE!!"
"YOSH! My youthful friend! Let the power of youth fire our souls!"
"Want to jump out of boxes with me, tonight?" Naruto shouted across the lounge, much to the displeasure of the people trying to sleep in their rooms down the hall.
"Absolutely! After I do a ten-K erg piece and one-hundred laps around campus!" Lee yelled back.
"Sure," Naruto said. 'I could never row in college,' he said to himself. 'It's insane.' Lee was one of the more disliked strokers on the KSU Crew team, not because he was a particularly nasty person, but because he set a back-breaking pace. "I'll catch you later. I gotta get to Chem. Maybe I'll get to set things on fire!" Laughing insanely, Naruto waved and jogged to the elevator to go three floors down to the ground floor.
Naruto noticed two things when he entered the classroom: Sakura-chan and a gaggle of giggling girls (plus three guys).
"Did you hear?" one of the girls said. "Uchiha SASUKE is coming to our school! And I heard he was going to be in this class! I think I'm gonna DIE!"
"Like, I know, right?! He's so dreamy—"
"—and totally smart—"
"—and has, like, the sexiest body ever—"
"—and the darkest eyes you will ever see! They're like bottomless pools of—"
"—obsidian, his hair, I mean, and—"
"—you can't forget that the guy's filthy stinkin' RICH! I mean, hello?! He's—"
"—been voted the number one hottest male in the country three years in a row too, and—"
"—his dad owns the largest business in the world. He'd better pamper me when I become his girlfriend."
"No! I'm going to be his girlfriend!"
"What did you say, slut?"
"You heard me whoreface! I'm gonna be the one who bears his children!"
"No, I'M gonna have his babies!"
"Girls, calm down! We all know that I—"
"I'M PREGNANT."
All the girls in the room turned towards one boisterous blonde boy. Uzumaki Naruto had chosen at that moment to jump on the table and shout the said phrase. He was so sick of hearing about Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke—
"Well, that's good to know," came a cool, smooth voice from the doorway. "Next time, use protection. Now get off my desk, dobe." Naruto turned around to meet the "obsidian pools" of none other than Uchiha Sasuke.
Naruto glared at him, refusing to move from the table. "I don't like you," he said finally.
However, Sasuke never heard this, for he had been attacked by nearly every girl in the classroom, including Haruno Sakura. The girls pulled at his arms and clung desperately to him. Sasuke seemed completely unfazed. Quietly, Naruto jumped down from the desk and walked away, plotting Uchiha Sasuke's ultimate demise. His dark thoughts were interrupted when the professor entered the classroom.
All the tales they had ever been told about monsters and mad scientists seemed to converge into this one, disturbing man. He looked like a creepy, single freak who owned way to many reptiles and lived with his mother.
"I am Professor Orochimaru. Welcome to Intro to Chemistry. I will be assigning lab partners and you will be silent." He glared at the girls who were sending longing glances at Sasuke.
"First bench: Akimichi Chouji and Yamanaka Ino."
'Please let me be with Sakura-chan,' Naruto thought desperately while Orochimaru was talking. 'We have chemistry.'
"Third bench: Aburame Shino and Hyuuga Hinata."
'I wanted to be with Naruto-kun,' Hinata thought sadly, but she picked up her bag and moved to the third bench.
'Please let me be with Sasuke-kun,' Sakura thought. 'I will impress him with my vast chemical knowledge. Please!'
"Seventh bench," Orochimaru continued. "Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto."
"NO!" Naruto shouted. "I won't work with that bastard!"
"Naruto you idiot!" Sakura yelled, hitting his head. "Be nice to Sasuke-kun!" She smiled at Sasuke apologetically. He scoffed. Naruto frowned.
"If you don't want to work with him, then you can get out," Professor Orochimaru said. "Sit down and stop disturbing my class." He carried on. "Fifth bench: Haruno Sakura and Karin."
Naruto wasn't paying attention anymore. He was busy glaring at the Uchiha. If looks could kill, Sasuke would be dead and thousands of girls would be sobbing, their tears engulfing the world...or something like that.
"Hey, teme," Naruto whispered. "I bet you'd wear your girlfriend's pants."
Sasuke ignored him. Orochimaru was talking again, this time about the class. A paper was being passed around. "This is the course syllabus. We will be skipping over lab safety. If your pathetic high schools didn't tell you how to light a bunsen burner, then you can get out of this class."
Naruto, bored of staring at Sasuke, started poking at some containers with fine white powder in them. Taking a pinch, he sniffed the substance. "Mmmm...sugary," he thought, a happy smile spreading across his face. Stupidly, he poked his tongue out to lick the stuff. Sasuke watched this out of the corner of his eyes, wondering how he could have ended up sitting next to such an idiot.
SMACK.
Naruto jumped. A huge whip had materialized out of nowhere and had been slashed across his bench. "What. Did. I. Just. Say?" Naruto gaped at his teacher (what did he even need the whip for? Was that even legal? Ah, scary thoughts). "Since you clearly don't know better than to stuff foreign substances into your mouth, you can get out."
Naruto opened his mouth in protest.
"B-but—!"
Orochimaru towered over him. "Out! Get out of my sight! And if you're not out of here in ten seconds, I will do things to you with this whip that you didn't even think were possible, Naruto-kun," he whispered the last part.
Needless to say, Naruto hightailed it out of there.
Finally after one-hundred and thirteen minutes of waiting, the bell rang and the students rushed out. Naruto was leaning against the wall, scowling. He stalked Uchiha Sasuke, who had come out first (with a whole army of girls and some boys following him), with his eyes.
"A-ano, N-naruto-kun?"
Naruto looked up to see a pretty, though rather timid girl, with long, black hair and pearl colored eyes. His expression immediately brightened and relaxed into his signature goofy grin. "Oh, hey, Hinata! Wow, long time no see! I didn't know you were in this class."
Hinata blushed and averted her eyes. "U-umm, I g-got the homework for you from P-professor Orochimaru's c-class." Her face was steadily turning redder. "H-here!" she shoved some papers in his face.
"Huh?" Naruto looked up, but Hinata was already gone. "THANKS HINATA!" he yelled, putting his overly-loud voice to good use.
That girl sure was weird.
The week before, Naruto had discovered two enormously gigantic boxes (they were so massive that even mere words failed to describe them) outside by the dumpsters at the back of the cafeteria. Immediately recognizing their potential, he'd hauled them off to his room, much to the displeasure of his roommate, Gaara. Now, this very evening, Naruto was going to put his sinister plan into action.
"This merriment, I can feel it! The springtime of youth!" Lee shouted, carrying a box on his back.
"So, you understand how this works, right, Lee?" Naruto had explained the plan several times already, but Lee just did not have the gift, the same malevolent prankster mindset.
"Of course, my youthful compatriot."
Naruto and Lee set up their boxes in the shade of some large bushes outside the dorms. A few people watched them interestedly, but no one seemed to care enough to ask them what the hell they were doing. The two idiots crawled into the boxes and listened intently for approaching footsteps.
It took about five minutes, but eventually they heard the dull thud of what sounded like a steadily approaching pair of combat boots. Naruto counted silently to himself. "Three...two...one...BANZAI!"
"Holy shit!" Hyuuga Neji, a sophomore, shouted.
Naruto and Lee collapsed into a fit of laughter. It wasn't everyday you see one of the world's biggest ice cubes lose his cool, after all.
It took another few minutes for the pranksters to sober up, but they crawled back into the boxes for the next victim.
"—I'm serious, Ino! It's not the same for me. I love Sasuke-kun. I really do! I'm not just another fangirl. I care about him."
'Was that...Sakura-chan?' Naruto thought. He listened closely.
"He's just so dark and mysterious," Sakura said.
"And handsome," Ino chimed in. "He is a male model after all."
"Yes, he is. And you know how I love male models, especially those whose surnames start with a 'U.'"
They giggled.
Naruto's ears perked up.
Lee felt the fire in his blood.
"YOSH! Power of youth!"
Sakura and Ino ran away screaming.
Dear Kyuubi,
Yes, from now on, your name shall be Kyuubi! No, naming diaries, I mean, man-journals, is not womanly (shudder)! How lame would it sound it I referred to you as my journal-type-thing? You gotta admit, Kyuubi sounds pretty cool and fierce, right, am I right?
Today was pretty interesting. I met this bastard nancy-boy named Sasuke (beware, bitch, for I, the fearsome ninja [wannabe, Uzumaki Naruto, will bring you down!) and my chem prof, Orochimaru, who has an unnatural obsession with snakes and little boys (he's a rapist, I'm telling you! He almost stole my precious virtue from me today in class! And I heard he has daily, er, get-togethers with the Intro to Biology TA, Yakushi Kabuto, in the supplies closet...).
Sakura-chan still hasn't confessed her undying admiration for me (although her punches are a sure sign of love!), instead she seems deluded by the devil, pretty-boy male model Sasuke. I don't know what she, or all those other girls, see in him! If I was a girl, which I'm not, I wouldn't go for him in a million years!
So, I have concocted a plan to win Sakura-chan's heart, once and for all!
I, Uzumaki Naruto (whose last name starts with a "U," dattebayo!) am going to become a male model!
It will definitely work.
Hey, everyone. So this is our first co-fic. If you haven't heard of us, we are oh CINEMATRAGEDY and MadnessinmyMethod (so check us out or suffer... unless you hate us). Certainly this has been a very interesting experience... detrimental to us paying attention in class... and funny as hell. We hope you enjoyed our first kickass chapter and will stay with us for the chapters to come. Professor Orochimaru says review (don't forget he has that whip... muahaha...).