One-shot. Jordan hears voices. From Jordan's point of view. Rated K+ for one little word... Inspired by a prompt by one of my friends... "make Jordan listen to the little voice in her head." I just thought Jordan needed more than one voice... this is probably really stupid, but R&R anyway!
(PS Jordan isn't crazy, and I don't think she is... but she does have this inner argument with her that I think could be explained if she has multiple voices telling her what to do. At least now they all agree.)
The Voices In My Head
I look toward the peaceful figure lying in the hospital bed next to me. He has been shot on the job again, this time in the left shoulder. I remember the last words he spoke before he passed out. They're still ringing in my head.
"Jordan," he whispered, squeezing my hand. "Jordan, I love you. Please don't go." I promised him over and over I wouldn't leave his side, even after he was unconscious, and I haven't. Well, not yet.
I am contemplating leaving right now. He had told me he loved me. It was the cardinal rule. You don't say the 'L' word and everything's fine, but as soon as you say it, I leave. I run away. He should've known that. He shouldn't have said it.
Great, now I'm crying. Stupid tears. Stupid Woodrow Wilson Hoyt. Who has a name like 'Woodrow Wilson Hoyt' anyway? Only him. It's just another quirky thing about him I hate. And yet I love.
Did I really just admit to the 'L' word? No, it's not possible. The last time I said it, he flaked on me. Went rogue. Found Lu. I can't love him. I can't love anything about him. ...But I do.
I have to leave, I have to leave now. I stand and grab my purse, heading toward the door. I have to get out. I have to leave.
But Woody's different. You know that. He won't hurt you, says a voice in my head. I stop. The voice sounds like Lily. Typical. Now I'm hearing voices. What am I, schizo?
He's a man, I complain to Lily-in-my-head, and all men want one thing. Once they get it, I'm just dust in the wind.
But Woody isn't like that, says a second voice. It's Bug's. He's a gentleman. Old-fashioned. You know he's not after what you seem to think all men are. Great, now I have a Bug-in-my-head? Can this get any more frustrating?
I go and sit back down in the chair next to his bed to think. I have to have a chat with Lily-in-my-head and Bug-in-my-head. I need to get them to understand.
They all hurt. All men hurt me. My dad, JD... they're just two examples. I have more. Believe me, he's going to hurt me, even if he doesn't mean to. So I need to go now.
I stand up to leave again, but Lily-in-my-head shouts, SIT DOWN! And I listen. I sit down.
There are men who haven't hurt you, says a third voice. Oh no. It's Nigel-in-my-head. What about me? And Bug? And Dr. Macy? Have we ever left you? Hurt you? No! So don't say that all men have. They haven't.
You're different, I explain, you're my friends. You don't count.
We don't 'count' as men because we're your friends? asks Bug-in-my-head, sounding hurt. Geez, you're mean.
Am not! I respond defensively. Bug-in-my-head is even more annoying than the real one.
Are so, says Nigel-in-my-head, We're men, and we've never hurt you. And Woody won't either! Just give the poor bastard a chance.
But he's not you, Nigel. And he's not Bug. And he's not Garret. He's Woody. I love him, so I can't have him. I don't love all of you, I say, but it sounds stupid the moment I say it. Think it? I'm so confused! And I'm having a conversation with imaginary versions of my friends! Man, I must be crazy.
You're not crazy, Jordan. You've just divided up your consciousness into different personalities so you can get views from all sides of the situation, says a newcomer. Great, another voice. And this one sounds like Garret.
Don't you mean I'm dividing up my conscious? The little voice in your head that tells you not to do bad stuff?
Yeah, that's what I meant. I swear I could almost hear Garret-in-my-head rolling his eyes. Jordan, you don't always have to listen to the little voice in your head that tells you to run, you know.
Right now the voices in my head are telling me to stay, I say. And I don't have to listen to you.
No, but you should, says Lily-in-my-head, we're your friends. We know what's best for you. And believe me, believe us, Woody is right for you.
I groan out loud and close my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose. But I can't.
Who says you can't? says Bug-in-my-head.
I say! I lean back in the uncomfortable fold-up chair. I can't deal with being hurt again by someone I love. I don't think I could make it.
Jordan, you're stronger than you think you are, says Lily-in-my-head, you are the bravest, strongest, gutsiest person I know, and you can do anything you put your mind to.
But...! I start, but she cuts me off.
You can do anything you set your mind to. Including let yourself be happy.
I am happy. I don't need a man to be happy, I argue, and Lily-in-my-head sighs.
You can keep telling yourself that, but you know that life isn't complete without true love. And Woody is yours. Why can't you just shut up and except that?
You're not sounding very Lily-like, I tell Lily-in-my-head and she groans.
Remember when you told Woody that you'd grown up? asks Garret in my head, and I nod. Well, unless you admit to your feelings and can act on them, I don't really think you have.
I sigh, rubbing circles on my temples. The voices in my head are frustrating.
I have grown up, I have! I say, but I know it's futile. I've lost.
Prove it, Love, says Nigel-in-my-head.
Groaning, I put my elbows on my knees and lean forward, putting my facing in my hands. I don't know if I can.
You'll never know if you don't try, says Lily-in-my-head. The voices stop talking. My head in silent. I have room to think.
I do love him, but can I really trust that he won't hurt me? He's a man! ...But he's also Woody. He's put up with me for years, through my half-cocked schemes and my bad moods. I think he knows me better than I know myself. But does that mean I can trust him? ...Maybe it does.
I hear a groan from beside me and look up, shocked. "Jordan," says Woody in a hoarse voice, smiling at me. God, those dimples! How can anyone resist those?
"You didn't leave." He seems surprised.
"I promised I wouldn't," I say. He's still grinning.
"Since when do you do what you promise?" he asked, dimples showing. I shrug.
"Since the voices in my head told me to stop running." Woody gives me a funny look, almost like doesn't believe the whole 'voices in my head' thing. I'm not crazy, and not-crazy-people are not supposed to head voices. I don't want him to think I'm schizophrenic or something.
"I'm joking," I tell him, though I really wasn't. "I just figured it was time to stop running."
Liar, I hear Nigel-in-my-head say, then the others 'shush!' him. So they're not gone, they're just being quiet. Huh. I hope they don't stay with me forever.
"Thank you Jordan," says Woody, looking at me.
"Woody, I..."
Just say it! yells Garret-in-my-head.
"I..."
Say it, say it, say it! the entire group of them chant. I smile.
"I think I love you."
You think? says Bug-in-my-head. The others 'shush' him, too. Woody grins at me.
"You think you love me?" he asks, "That's a big step for you."
"I know," I say, and lean in to kiss him. I hear a sharp whistle and Garret-in-my-head's, Nigel, behave! Let her have a moment to herself. I smile. I think I'll keep these voices around for a while.