Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals
Chapter 1: Green Vs Rainbow
Beginning AN:
This is sort of a sequel/spin-off to a previous badfic I wrote, Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals. The thing is, my favorite chapters in HUC were the ones that involved side characters in the world - Seras's mother, the jury, Brazil, those two cameos of an old show that I don't want to say because it's kind of a spoiler that I want readers to get to themselves...
Anyway, I kind of liked that world I made up, but unfortunately, the whole "Hecksing vs Millennium-and-other-villains" plot kind of overshadowed the rest of the fan fic. This will, following chapter 2, focus a lot more on the world and its side characters. Sort of like how Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask does compared to Ocarina of Time, except done really, really badly. But you don't need to read HUC first to understand this! In fact, if you're paying attention to the shipping, I'd rather you don't read HUC before this. And if you have, well you'll know the resolution to one of the sideplots. Or more...
This fan fic is written badly on purpose! Normally I'd think that you wouldn't need to read this, but there might be some fics that are writen in an even worse manner than this and they might be completely and totally sinciere. Also, the personalities of the canon characters writen here should not be seen as an indication of what I actually think these characters are like. I'd give examples, but I'd rather... you read the OOC-ness yourself. If there's an "AN" in parenthesis within the chapter, it's not a real mid-chapter author's note unless it says "Real AN." As said in the summary, it's part of something called the SBIG series, which I'll elaborate on now:
Welcome to SBIG! This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admittedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.
Warning: If incest really offends you, stop reading. It's not a really really big focus in this fan fic, but there's more jokes about it here than in HUC. (Not saying much since HUC only had two, and one of them sort of relied on having a dirty mind.)
Incest isn't the only problem, either. This story will, at some point (forgot the exact point; I think it's season three at the latest), become kinda fucked up. Not too much though, just a little above the content level of what you might see on a Youtube fan video. Again, you have been warned.
Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass cueballman. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!
The lone winter of Chicago. The night of February 10th, 2011. There were lots of sounds that echoed through the city. Like cars, down the streets. Guns, down the allys. People shouting "FUCK" down the offices because their jobs sucked. And kissing in the park. CCity of love.
One of these couples was Kanaya Maryam and Edqard Cullen. And this is Highschoolstuck AU so the kids and trolls are all about 16 or 17, but this isn't humanstuck because that makes the story boring and you can't do anything when they are all humans.
"Oh Kanaya. I love you." Edward said.
"As appreciated back to your directional location." Said Kanaya back. "This is an evening of perfection and I hope that nobody ruins it with something bad."
Suddenly, Alucard from Hellsing came out from bushes and ran out like those idiots in the Utube videoes flailing his arms around like maniac! He tackled Edward to the ground, and grinned like a The Joker (from Batman it is a referrence) as he got out a bottle of holy water disguised as water and opened it and pored it on his face which then lit on fire.
"No. My beutiful bishie face. Is ruined." Edward said. "How will I get. My good looks. And magazines."
"NO!" Shouted Kanaya, tearfully, "Why did you do that?"
"Look, I just got up from a terrible battle that left me out for days, and I has a mission to complete first just before I can finally get back to my manor again. He's a scuky vampire, and this is part of the duty that I need to do to serve as Hecksing. Oh, and he sucks as his powers I guess."
Kanaya got really mad! But she couldn't do anything (even if she was vampire too but she was not) about it becuause come on... this is Alucard from Hellsing we're tockin about. He's got lots of years of combatt and stuff. I don't think ANYTHING could kill him LOL...
Kanaya cried as Alucard turned into big mouth and ate Edward, killing him. Kanaya ran away and cryed and the tears formed the title:
HOUSESTUCK HURRCAIN CRCONIKALS
CHAPTER I
Summry: John Egbert is the Air of Breath in this fan fic he must God Tier and Ascent to Skaia to take out Jack the evil villain. Pairings include John/Vriska, Rose/Kanaya, Dave/Terezi, Jade/Karkat, Roxy/Calliope, Jane/Dirk/Caliborn trigale, Eridan/Noone. But when John have to do dirty work, he choses to rob a bank and must to avoid cops? Wow!
It was the next morning. John Egbert was playing Planet of Wardcraft (AN it is a WOW parody but I had not seen original show yet so please forgive if I have erorrs.) He was playing as Troll Nick Cage with Jade and Rose. Jade and Rose werte as OCs that looked like badass not-boring vershins of them (John was Troll Nick Sage because he's unoriginal.)
"How many quests did you get ahead while I logged off and went to sleep last night?" He said over the speaker chat them.
Suddenly, white Orc!
"Oh um John..." Jade said, "A little after you logged out, this jackass came and killed Rose and I. We lost so much gold!"
"Hm? You challenge him to duel?"
"No! He just fired blast without-"
And then white Orc's mouth opened and blasted the 3 players!
The camera went back to John. On the screen, the computer said, "GAME OVER." a pesterlog memo between John, Rose, and Jade popped up.
GG: see? he killed us just like that!
GT: oh crap!
TT: Well this sucks. We should get expert to find out who that is. That would be me, except that I do not have as much of an interest in playing such a game with the way it is intended to be played, just to look through to others.
GT: yeah, haha, smart thinking rose...
GT: looking into the mastermind who did this by reverse-hacking should be a cool thing to stry!
GG: yes... "smart thinking..."
The pesterlog overed and John blushed at Rose's idea because he had crush on her. He also crushed on Dave. But Jade was kind of frustated because she crushed on John. LOVE QUADTRIANGLE!
(The Can)
John was on the can when Roxy popped into the window.
"Oh John you crazy lovable (incl. me wonk) oaf I have good news, and no it's not that I love you but that is the fact and I can ship tease it!"
John was, "ah-ah!" Then he looked around and he saw no tolet paper (OH NO!) but then he saw the Twilight books. And smiled.
"Ok, I'm good incase I need to wipe my ass. What do you want?"
"I found the sorce!"
"THE SORCE?"
"SORCE OF P.O.W. VANDALISM!"
"WHO IS IT?"
"NONE OTHER THEN THE LEEDER OF THE FELT, DOC SCRACH!
"I know his appartment from my hacking. Let's go there!"
"...Now?"
Roxy laughed. Hard. "And pepole think I'm the dumb blonde!"
(Scratch)
The 8 kids (all of them) broke into his appartment.
Scatch was, "I no you were about to come in."
John said, "HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"
"It is my omniscent."
Dave smirked. "Well what I say next?"
"I DO NOT SURE AS I CAN'T SEE IN FUTURE!" (AN i nerfed him
Rose asked inteligintly, "Why you killed are POW game twise?"
"Because i knew you were to be the heroes and I tried to get you to notice me so that i can stop you before you find out later and before you begin a plan wile I can't see; and I need to see because ROXY. VOIDS THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE."
Dirk pointed at Scratch. "Housestucks. After him!"
But then the Scratch snapped fingers, and suggenly, REST OF FELT! (Not snowman cuz this is post SBURB, she was replaced with Damara the Handmaid.
Eechi was too fast. Fin culd, "see them from future! Clover never seemed to die. Sawbuck, Quarters, Machsticks, and espeshally Cans were too big like Ridley. (Is that still funny?) They kids got the shite kicked out of him. Dirk came up with plan and had to act fast so he put on frown of worry and yelled towards window, "RUN!"
Then they ran out indow in slow motion and jumped out the window of appartment but it was high and stuff so they have long fall. Also there was explosion behind them from appartment and in the appartment Scratch slapped Egg who was cause of explosion and said, "HAY! DON'T BLOW UP MY HOUISE!"
Suddenly, at the end of the fall it turned out to be sidewalk pavement! (This is suposed to be shock like with when someon's on a boat on river and sudenly there is a waterfall at the end this is called a pop culture referened in cased you didn't know)
"WE NEED SAVE!" shouted John.
Jade airswam towards John and blushed. "John... If we gonna die I need to tell u something."
But John swung Dave into arms and kissed!
"Aw..." Jade was sad.
Tavros and Terezi (not cribble and blind because AU they weren't born this way in canon (unless there was something in acts 1-4 I missed cuz I skipped them went to act 5) so it would have make sense if there was universe where they not since the accidents never happened) was walking.
Suddenly, Rose fell into Tavros's arms romantically.
"WOW TAVROS! YOU APPEAR TO BE A PIMP!" Terezi winked.
"Uh... Thanks?"
"MABEY I CAN GET A COOL GUY MYSELF. OR GIRL SINCE USALLY US TROLLS ARE USUALLY PANSEXUAL. USUALLY. or was it bisexual i can't remember."
But then the other 7 kids just fell on her.
"WHAT... THE HEAVEN?" Tavros asked in a hurry. The shock of the weight of the situation (ha ha get it Terezi was nearly crushed to death, but not completely since I'm done killing heroes I left that at HUC... at least, that's what you think) made him anxious.
The kids later got up. And also the Terezi.
"HEY WHAT YOU GUYS DOING?" Terezi asked.
"We were trying to murder the Doc Scratch."
Tavros uhh'd. "Um... he's really powerful... I think it hard to kil him and his, The Felt with just the eight of you."
Terezi t'ched. "COME ON TAVROS, HAVE A LITTTLE MORE COURAGE IN THIS GUYS. AT LEAST THEY MADE IT UP THERE. LET'S TAKE THEM TO THE BOSS AND SEE WHAT HE THINKS OF THEM."
"The boss?" Rose asked in an interlllect.
"HIS NAME IS KARKAT AND HE'S A PRETY COOL GUY. YOU SEE, TEVROS THERE AND I ARE REALLY PART A GROUP CALLED THE ZODIACS AND WE HAVE BEN TRYING TO STOP The Felt FOR HALF A SWEEP NOW. IT WOULD BE GREAT IF MABEY WE CAN COMBINE FORCES AND SHIT."
Jake looked really excitement!
"How do we join?"
Tavros blushed. "You must... go to hedquarters... WHERE THE LEADER WILL GIVE FURTHER ENCLOSED INSTRUCTIONS."
(Outside to Zodac hideout)
They took plane the the Grand Canyon and they hiked down to bottom of canyon and there was river and on one side of river was a large rock with sign saying, "Go away. Ther nothin here." and then underneath another sidgn saying "NO REALLY THERE ARE NO NAZITS HERE GO AWAY!"
Tavros, Terezi, and humens were looking at it.
"This is where the hideout is?" Jane asked.
Terezi laughed. "NO IT IS ACROSS CANYON FROM HERE! I HAVE NO IDEA WHO WHAT WHERE WHY OR HOW THEY IS THERE? IT IS A PUZZLE BUT I KIND OF LIKE PUZZLES, AND EVERYTHING."
Then there was hidden door and inside was pit of lava and eye scan. Across pit, other door. Teezi put eye.
"Identifyed as Terezi Pyrope who is one of the zodiacs. Libra to be specific."
QAnd then a brige formed between doors!
"Come on and walk."
John looked up and laughed. "Look at security this is like Peter Griffin's porn statche?"
Dirk frowned. "Not funny there's rumors Family Guy is getting the canceled this year because of low budget not because it sucks WHICH IT DOES NOT."
Dave pointed at Dirk. "I thought you were weregay and Family Guy. Shows gays. As hitting on every other man. Should that make an offended out of you?"
Dirk looked at camera and broke the forth wall. "Well golly, how could I be offended? Family Guy has the perfect wacky black comedy humor and well thought out cultural parodies of the good eighties that it more than makes up for the possible offensive stereotypes! Watch Family Guy on FOX Network!"
(i thought i could get paid by FG's seth macfarline if I do a add for it)
(In Hideout)
"GENTLEMEN." Terezi said. "THIS IS... THE PALACE OF THE ZODIACS!"
ok it really looked more like a giant office corperal workplace bilding. SO THE THEME FROM THE OFFICE START PLAYING!" Notably there was only 12 peopletrolls working there; Terezi and Tavros were two of them.
Nepeta was on compuner when Karkat ran to her in a piss. "NEPETA YOU BIG BUTT BAFOON YOU SAID THAT THE ESPADA FROM BLEACH WAS NOT TO COME OVER TO THE MUSEUM AND STEAL STUFF AND YOU SAID YOU WERE 100% CERTAIN AND TO NOT PUT ANY MONEY INTO ANON DONATING SAVING IT AND NOW LOOK! SURVALENSE SHOWS THEM GOING INTO THE MUSEUM OF AMEDICA AND STEELING THE MARGE SIMPSON'S PANTIES EXIBIT. GIVE ME 1 GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULD NOT FIRE YOU, RIGHT NOW?"
"Because their mission to the museum was actually caused by detor they were originally going to this other place that I blocked off and crap."
"o ok then."
Tavros exposited. "Thats... Karakt. He 's the leader of this."
Jade gasped. "Wow kind of like a jerk?"
Trezi went on, "YES BUT HE DONATES 100 DOLLERS TO POOR KIDS EVERY SINGLE DAY. HE HA HEART OF GOLD."
And then John eye water. "HE's REaLY JUST A TROBLEED SPIRIT SOUL AFTER ALL? TRAGIC!"
Karkat notised them. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE HUMANS DOING HERE? FUCKASS1 I AM GOING TO ACT A BIT RACIST TO SAY THAT NO HUMANS IS GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A ZODIAC."
Tavros said, "They... got to the The Felt apartment on there own... so they have potential to stop tem."
Karkat said, "ok i'll hire all 8 of you."
Vriska, the Scorpio, o8jects! "What the fuck? I had to take 1 full sweep (2.16 yeers) of Kung Fu classes to get in here! And now you jurst hired them?"
"ANY ALTERNITIVES?" Karkat asked.
"They must take my test!"
"ok ok" Karkat was "ill allow them to due your test if I see what is. BUT THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE REST OF YOU CAN DO THE SAME FOR NEW MEMBERS! only Vriska because I know she will be a complete pain in the ass about it."
(Woods just outside the canyon)
Vriska stood in the forest on one side of the canyon. She held 7 bells.
"This test is simple. You must fighte me and get the bells. If you get a bell, you pass and will join us Zodiacs." And then dramatic wind! "But if you fail, YOU FAIL AND CANNOT GET IN!"
John pointed. "But there's 7 bells and 87 of us!"
"Yea dumass that's the point. 1 of you will be... BOOTED OFF THE TEAM!"
They all gasped. This was notivation to fight!
Then Vriska ninja vanisheD! This is gonna be harder fight then thought!
"We must divide into alliances!" John leader sugested.
Then the Alpfas Jane Jake Roxy and Dirk left, and John Dave and Jade left. BUT ROSE STAY STILL!
(Alphas)
They were hiding in bushes. Sudenly, the Vriska walked by!
"EAT THIS!" Dirk shoted in a rival accent.
He then jumped out with sword, and was the sword fight with Vrsiak, but Vriska was able to do ninja dodges and stuff and so Drik could not land a scratch on her! But then he did sudden kick combo moves and crap, and was on way to try to get a bell!
Then Vriska was, "THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG!" and then ran off.
The alphas stared at confusion.
(John and Rose)
"Rose why are you can't do this?"
"It seems as though we may not these guys might not help us on the Felt."
"DO YOU WANT TO TAKE CHANGE?"
Then suddenly, Rose got a proud!
"Your rite. this may be small, but it may also be a chance to make things easier. I'll take chance."
But before she could do anything useful, Vriska!
"Hey guys I'm running out of pateince doing this so new challenge. I just scatter these bells around the forest and you look for them and shit. I told everyone else baout this. Tavros thwe Taurus troll is going to look out to see if anyone cheats. You can go into teams to look for them if you want."
(Beta Teem)
Thy were looking around forest. Suddenly, cave!
"Careful" said rOSE the classy lesbian in a smart. (Oh wait she can't be classy lesbains with Lanaya since Kanayas boyfrend has been killed last night and I doubt Kanaya would want to move on so fucking soon.) "There might be some troubles and obstacles in the way.
They look in and saw bell. The 2 men went in because the girls IN THAT TEAM (not all homestuckgirls they can be badnass some of them like... VRISKA) were either boring as shit or Jade who was helpless unless her berzerk buttons were pressed. Suddenly, bear!
Dave grabbed the bell and looked in a panic. Then, he put John in front of him to the bear! "Here! Take John!"
And they ABSCONDED (get it like in the comic?)
Once the guys got out of cave and the girls ran away wih them, John was looking at Dave in a piss.
Dave frowned and spoke. "Whups. Dave's not getting to second base, is he?"
"NO!" John said like Robotnick.
"Is he getting to first base?"
"NOOOOO!" Like Darth Vader.
"Is he at bat?"
John punched the asshole motherfucker. Breakup, it was officially.
Jade sighed in relief of that she has the chance at John. BUT THERE WAS STILL ROSE!
Rose ;looked at tree. "Fuck, Jade, let's climb up this. I see two bells. Helpful. Yes..."
And they climbed and got bells too.
(Alfas)
John was walk to the alphas.
"Crickey mate! What the motherfuck have ben your motherfucking problem, motherfucker! Blimey!" said Jake looking at how sad John was.
"dave pushed me in front of serial killer bear!"
Jane gaspod. "Oh, really? He usually has good intentions and acts in care to others. Try to give him another chance, he may have just done that in a sudden act without thinking right first."
"Shut up Jane. you're kind of boring." John replied.
Roxy jumped on him!
"You wanna have rebound coitus?" Roxy said seductivly and in typos. (Shes drunkk)
"UM NO THANKS..." he looked around nervously. "I never looked to you as a romantic option! More like a romantic opinion if you understand the punning I'm doing!"
He then threw Roxy off of him, jumped on Dirk's head, and stole his glasses! "I like Dirk now! hee hee hee!"
And then he ran around with Dirks' shades! "Hey! I need those to be tsundere wihtout people nowing I really love Jake! OOPS DID I JUST SAY THAT?"
Meanwile, Tavros was trying to keep track of romance but just gave up.
Dirk chased after John but John was really fast because as it turns out when he was watch Nick Cage he wasn't just sitting on his ass he was jogging and waching on his IPOD.
Dirk tripped but then found bell. "YES!"
Jake reelized that since John and Dirk ran from far, he was the only guy in his group. "Aw yea I feel swag. Cherio."
Then they saw the last 3 bells!
"Yes now we must do the running back to Vriska. Cockfuck." Jake said at the plottwist.
"Jake, do you have a case of tourettes syndrome?" Jane aksed.
"No I just part of my United Kingdoms of London accent, baka!"
So they ran and it was very exiting and dramatic and then they made it. Tavros was acshally there since it turned out Vriska wasn't even in the forest anymore she went back to the hideout to play strip poker.
Tavros congradulated them. "Um... you're here first... I'll note that so Veriska can... give you extra reward."
Roxy giggeld "Is the extra reword... SEX? Winkilywonkol. I'm just kidding by the way I don't really want to do any of you freaeks. Kidding about the freaks, but not about how I don't want to do anyone."
Tavros blushed (and it looked like shit because brown blood) and his eyes moved around a lot. "Uh... it's I just announce the rules... not decide them. I dunno what reward is."
Then Jade and Rose the kind-of classylesbians was there gotten back. With their bells.
"Ok... you two wins as well."
Roxy seductivly went to Jake. "HAY JAKE YOUR THE ONLY MALE IN THIS LITTLE GROUP HERE SINCE JOHN DAVE AND DIRK AREN'T BACK HERE YET. AS YOU SAID YOURSELF. DOES THAT MAKE YOUR PENIS HARD?"
"Wogly, what bout Tavros?"
"TAVROS IS A DUDE? OH SNAP!" She said like Joy Turner on My Name is Earl. (I MADE REFERENCE.)
Thewn Dirk ran back without his shades!
"Hi guys, John was being a genki boy and he made me lose my shades."
Jake looked wideyes. "DAMN DAWG HE WAS FLIRTING WITH YOU? BITCH HITS ON EVERY MAN OR WOMAN HE SEES! Did you bring bell, fine fellow?"
He held it up and smirked.
Then Dave the Jackass got ther too. With his bell.
Finaly John ran over.
"You didn't get bell? Tavros asked. "Aw crap I forgot..." said John.
Sudenly, Vriska came in! (She was fully dressed because she cheated in strip poker) "Yes and I shall hire everyone here excep John. HOWEVER it turns out I was phyche and it turns out that there wil be no eliminations of anyone so I will hire all 8 of you! The reason for test was to see if you hadthe balls to fight people although since I gave up I guess it was if you had the balls to look for stuff."
And then the 8 kids cheered!
"Seriously John gimme back my shades."
"Not unless you give a kiss first!"
Dirk sihed. "Ok fine."
And they kissed and Jade got sad agan.
"No reward for getting early that should belong to me, Jane and Jake?" Roxy asked.
"Nope sorry." Vriska smiled. "I lied about that too. Trying to be a mmotivator."
"FAWK!" yelled Roxy.
(Zodiac Hideout)
"Equius how is the prroject going?" Kanaya asked Equius.
"Good. I have the connections with that Doctor fellow. It is contained... nicely, if I shuld say so myself. It should be done like tomorrow."
Kanaya put hands together like a schemer. "And then that asshole in red that killed my boyfriend can PAY."
"Why you did not an evil laugh? I do not understand."
"Because revenge isn't evil its karma."
Then Vriska was back! And the lkids with him.
"I desided to hire everyone because in my chalenge it turns out it was effort that counts."
Karkat came out wearing barrel. "VRISKA IM GLAD YOU HIRED THEM ALL!"
Then Terezi said, "BUT WAIT, THESE GUYS DONT HAVE THE ZODIACS TO THEIR PERSONAL FUNNY THEME! WE...N HAVE ZODIAC SIGNS CUZ WE ZODIACS! SO WHAT?"
John looked down. "Um... we all have colors for theme in are pesterlog so we can name ourselfs... THE RAINBOW CREW!"
Nepeta raised hand.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT." Karkat bitched.
"AC wants to move hideout to aother place especially since these new guys here. Like by are houses. Because hideouting by lava sucks and its far from are homes."
"Where do you live?" John asked.
"CHUICAGO, ILLINOISE, BITCHES also the other eleven trolls in the zodiacs life there." Nrpete answwred.
"Oh cool we live in chicago too. In fact I was born there and lived there before joining the Zodiacs and we moved to the Grand Canyon. We can meet up in Rose's house, I'm sure her Mom won't mind she's too drunk for it."
(Outside Hideout)
The five trolls we didn't see yet (Aradia Sollux Gamzee Eridan and Fefei - also the other five pepole playing strip poker with Vriska but they put there close back on and so did Karkat) were outside. Gamzee was fuckiong around inn the river wile Aradia was looking up in the sky like epic.
Karkat came out of the bilding and yell, "HEY GUYS WERE MOVING GET IN THE PACK YOUR SHIT SOON." and slamed the door. then open. "TO CHICAGO. MEET ME AT THE CENTRAL PART AND GET THE RIGHT TICKETS, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN."
"Aa whater you looking at?" Asked Sollux.
"I am trying to see the future. It does not look that good. I see lots of green. And red. Like blood."
"Your just saying 'like blood' cuz the color you saw was like your blood color. You racist!"
Gamzee went around yelling, "HONK HONK" and stuff and Eridan was talk to Feferi.
"Fef will you fill my quadernts?"
"No."
"Forever alone. For now anyway..."
Then Gamzee broke the fourth wall and went up to camra. "Honk honk my sexy motherfickers, next chappter will be about the Felt some more as they fight the kids a little more." And then he did flex for his fangirls and fanboys. By the way this isn't canon he can't see into the future like this.
(Scratch Appartment)
"Inconceevable!" Scraytch yelled, looking into cristal ball. "The Housestucks and the Zodiacs teamed up? NARW!"
"What do?" Asked Damara.
"We must send some of are gangs to beet the shit out of them."
Closing AN:
Well I personally thought this was kind of a shitty start. And not in the good way. Oh well.