Though a Rose May Fade…
Chapter I- Second thoughts
And with this rose, I give you my love…
Christine shifted in her warm bed, trying desperately to find a way for sleep to consume her. Though since that one day, she couldn't sleep too much, couldn't eat, she couldn't do anything. She would just lie in her bed shivering but not because it was cold for it was indeed warm. When she was able to sleep, nightmares ravaged her mind and ate away at her. When she would close her eyes or pray she feared that she'd hear that angel voice again in her dreams. The voice, although it wasn't physically present to sing to her was forever singing songs in her head. And that terrified Christine. She believed that when she and Raoul fled from the Opera Populaire that she would never hear that angel voice. But now here she was hearing the soft sound in her ears…
Wandering child, so lost, so helpless
Yearning for my guidance…
She kept seeing that vision in her few dreams that soon turned to nightmares. That look in his eyes that he gave her when she last saw him tore at her heart and soul. Those beautiful eyes would pierce her soul. She wished she could run back, she wished she could erase all the things she had done or better yet, she wished to erase every bit of her past. It would be so much more pleasant if her father hadn't died and she'd be with Raoul in peace, never knowing who the Angel of the Night ever was. It would be so much easier if she could just forget about all that had happened and not have a single regret about the past months. It would be so much easier if he hadn't chosen her and taught another, loved another that could love him back those many months ago for she felt she was not ready to return his love. Yet how could she possibly know what love could be? She was still young and naïve. Maybe she did love him…
"Yet he did choose me and loved me… and I rejected him." She thought to herself, burying her face in the pillows. "Why couldn't he have chosen Areyah? She was beautiful, talented, smart, a perfect candidate for a future Prima Donna. Or what about Danielle? She has such grace and poise. She flows whenever she dances. Or he could have chosen Meg. What better Prima Donna than the ballet instructor's daughter? She has such charm and beauty and such a brilliant voice. What could have occurred had I chosen him? Why did he have to put me through this?"
She groaned hard into her pillow. Ever since that day her Angel of Music came like venom, penetrating her mind constantly. No matter how hard she tried, she could never be rid of him. Yet, she was unsure is she wanted to be rid of him. He was one of the only things she's ever had, but he was not really a "thing." He was a man. He was a man that saw something in her when others could not. He noticed her when she was invisible and came to her in times of comfort. He was always there for her. Even when Raoul did not notice her that moment when Andre and Firmin had become the new managers, the Phantom did. He noticed everything about her. He loved her. He even told her that before she left him to die.
"How could I have been so heartless? I could've at least helped him escape." She thought, mentally scolding herself for being that cruel.
And then there was Raoul. She looked beside her to see the sleeping form of her husband. She had thought that ever since they departed from inner, downtown Paris that they would live together forever in such bliss. How wrong she had been! Raoul was always gone and away for business or for duties. He was never there for her like he had been in that opera house. He always left very early and came home extremely late. She asked several times whether she could come with him, but Raoul did not wish for her company. She loathed him leaving her frequently and for such long periods of time but told herself quietly to stop her foolishness. He was the vicomte, the patron. It was his duty to attend these meetings or to help the government, but they barely spent time with each other.
She hardly even knew him anymore. Even when they were together they weren't really spending time together. Of course they were together in that sense, but not actually together as she had wished they had been. She couldn't even remember the last time they had kissed. Was it on the rooftops of the Opera Populaire? They barely hugged or even greeted each other every morning. They hadn't even made love to each other as a couple yet. She snorted softly at the thought of them as a current couple because they spent more time apart than together. It just didn't make sense to her that their relationship and happiness all came to this piece of loose rope hanging by a single thread. It was dangerously close to tearing apart. Didn't he promise he would always be there for her, guard her and guide her till death do they part?
Would the Phantom ever treat her this way? Would he love her endlessly and be with her endlessly? Would her always be beside her to comfort her in times of trouble or to rejoice with her in times of happiness? Had she made a huge mistake? She knew only one answer to that question that was possible.
She needed to find him. But was it worth risking it all? She could lose both Raoul and her angel. She was still so unsure. She needed time to think, to make up her mind. But she wasn't exactly in her right mind at the moment.
"I'll settle it all tomorrow." She decided.