Sith Blues

by Rephaim

Two down on their luck bounty hunters lay in wait for Han Solo in the cantina when a the citizens of Mos Eisely are poisoned by a Sith drug. The bounty hunters using song and blaster race to stop the Sith madman. It's another normal day at the cantina.

Sith Madness (A Starwars Musical)

Tatoonie has three bright suns and counting, but it was dark and smoky in the cantina. More of the seedy underworld and freak type were there and they all smoked death sticks. The smoke formed a cloud just above head level when sitting down. The non-smoking patrons ducked their heads under the cloud as they ploddingly ate their over-salted meals. They were mostly farmer types, here for trading. They wouldn't want to risk another second in this place if they didn't have to. The freaks in the room were only two of a kind; either harmless crazy or serial killer crazy and the cruel coin favored the latter. Two heroes braved this hellhole. At a dark far flung corner of the room sat a Duros in a flight suit and a Correlian wearing the traditional tunic of that world. They sat hunched, sipping leisurely and surveying the rest of the cantina. The Correlian was Pike and the Duros was Skree.

"Do you spy our bounty for the illustrious Jabba, my padawan? I believe our quarry goes by the name "Soloooooooo"." Pike asked his companion.

"For the last time, NO I DO NOT SEE HIM AND I'M NOT YOUR PADAWAN." Skree responded angrily as he squinted to see in the death smoke haze.

"Well, until he shows up, I guess we'll have to make small talk."

"Please don't…"

"Tatooine may be hot, but it is really a dark and cold place."

"Just because you blew all the money on a defective Jawa droid before you could pay me so now I have to help you on this job so I get some credits, DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU."

"All these pilgrims are just passing through. They have dreams and hopes of better place, but they never will get there. This desert rock sucks you in and doesn't let you go."

"Now, I know why you never made it into CorSec."

"No one looks at eachother or stops to say "hi… what'cha doing?" They just go about their daily routine trying to make a few creds to get out of here. Where's the love? Where's the music? Yes, it is cold indeed… Colder than Hoth in the winter…. And it stinks. Did I ever tell you I hate Jawa pheromones?"

"Hey, I think I see Han Solo. Oh nevermind I was hallucinating. My mind is desperately trying to escape this conversation like a trapped squirrel trying to chew its leg outta of trap."

"This place will kill you eventually. Each one of us are just waiting to be spit on the cold tip of a Tusken spear. I hate this place. That's why I named the ship "Ocean's Blue" because I hate this place. I want to feel the ocean spray on my face… but then it might mess up my hair."

"I thought you wanted to name the ship "Super Cool Avenging Ewok", but you just couldn't scrub the old letters off the hull."

"It's hard work to clothes like this here. I'm sweating like a Gamorean in the summer and I don't smell any prettier. You ever smelled a Gamorean? Those buggers don't smell like the sweet side of a rose, I'll tell you that much. They're like Jawas, but worse."

"All humans smell to me…"

"And, this humidity. Do know what it takes to make my hair look this great? A few dozen handfuls of hair gel, that's what."

"Are we done with small talk now?"

A humanoid wrapped in a black cloak walked through the entrance and stood imposingly at the threshold. Everyone turned to face the new visitor. He exuded an aura of menace. Even the smoke cleared before him. Skree quietly rejoiced at the distraction. Skree's joy was cut short as the stranger threw off his cowl. He was wearing blue and black face paint in a Sith style. Skree knew what was unfortunately coming next as he watched Pike reach for his two blaster pistols.

"Doomed denishens of Mosh Eishley. I am Dantorw the haaeir to the dark Shith thwone. I am now wula of your meek wittle city and will wuule it with a iwon fisht and dawk shide Shith Magicsh." Dantor ranted spitting a fair number of times as he shouted.

"Why should us listen you, little man?" An obviously above average Gammorean grunted.

"Becaushe I have planted inshidious Shith vodoo in your death shticks. Shey have a shpecial ingwedient which will tourn you into DARK SHIDE ZOMBIESH. ARISH MY DWUG INDUCED AWMY OF DAWKNESSH." Dantor said desperately trying to get over his speech impediment.

He rose his hands with palms upward. Suddenly every alien in the cantina who was smoking stood erect. They stood stiffly and all at once stuck out their arms in front of them and began shuffling their feet.

"Yesh, my vishious dawk shide zombiesh. Go fowth and eateth brainsh." Dantor said maniacally.

"Not if I have anything to do with it, Sith SCUM! For posioning the good citizens of Mos Eisely with your dastardly drug, I WILL…" Pike stopped and carefully considered his next words, "I WILL REDUCE YOU!" Pike exclaimed as he jumped onto the stage where the band continued to play like nothing was happening.

"Oh no…" Skree muttered.

"Hey, can you two wonder boys get this done quick, I have a business to run." The bar tender said in a bored tone.

"Silensh. I will not be intewwupted. You shall all pay deawly fo' yo blashphemy." Dantor motioned the zombies forward and they fell upon the terrified farmers.

"Band, play something fast and… panicky… because it's go time." Pike quick drew two blaster pistols and began blasting at zombies.

(To the tune of the Reefer Madness: The Musical)

Pike: You freak. You geek.

You had to take a look

Like some bad vodoo book.

You found that dastadrly holocron

Even though your mommy told you all along

Not to dance the Sith Blues

You're missing a few clues

(As the zombies begin to surround him, Pike yells to Skree) "I need back up. Start playing that guitar."

Dantor suddenly loses his speech problem and gains a tenor voice.

Dantor: Blast you

You got into my head true

I wet the bed as a youngin

The bulliess they punched

And my shoulder was a'smartin

So this holocron I snatched

Dark magics were abound

Things are going to turn around

You can't know my pain

So now its going to rain

I am a darkness incarnate

My evil, how would you rate

Pike: Mothers and Fathers lock up your daughters

There's evil out there

He's evil here.

HE'S EVIL INDEED

Dantor: INDEED BUWAHAHHA

Chorus of scared moisture farmers: INDEED

Pike does a dance move and flips off into the mass of zombies where he begins shooting maniacally.

Pike: The galaxy's a scary place

Tighten that shoe's lace

And keep up your head

Or stick it under a bed

Pray for dawn

AND LOOK OUT FOR THRAWN

Heroes like Skree and me

Through it all to see

The galaxy's a scary place

Chorus: A SCARY PLACE

A lovely Twi'lek dancer is almost eaten by zombies when Pike swings in and blasts them all away. The Twi'lek clings to his arm as he advances. Skree rolls his eyes, but continues to pluck the guitar.

Pike: Ewoks and Mynocks

Gamoreans and Cereans

From them the humans ran

And don't forget the dreaded Gungan

JAR JAR BINKS

OH HOW HE STINKS

Rancors and Manticores

Sith and Bith

What to do with all these bodies

And brain eating zombies.

Zombies sing in rich bass chorus: BRAIIIIIIIINNNNSSS HEY.

Pike: The dastardly Sith

Oh what evil up they lift

Thousand of years ago

That's many years in a row

They gave the jedi's the finger

Now they're back go figure

They're heresy of darkest hue

To this day jedi's do rue

They wrapped themselves in darkness

Stepless halls of space they did traverse

Descended upon a jolly race

Came down from space

The massassi were different after that

Those sith promised but like a rat

Turned em all into brain eating zombies

Zombies: BRAIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSS HEY.

Pike: The massassi looked a little strange

Gross mutations the Sith did arrange

Dark side force through the veins

Dark side even when it rains

They aren't around any more

But some are still Sith to the core

Snooping around behind the rows

How they live who knows

Now they turn kids to BRAIN EATING ZOMBIES

Zombies: BRAINNSSS.

Pike: Sith rock music

SPICE and a bad death stick

Will make your fine lad

Into a brain eating zombie oh so sad

So lock up your sons and daugthers

The galaxy's out to get them

You know you're the masters

So crack down before it's a problem

Oh the darkness

ITS SITH MADNESS

Dantor: BUWAHAHAHAHA

Chorus: SITH MADNESS… SITH MANDESS

Everyone stops and looks at Skree who is no longer playing the guitar.

Skree: … sith madness

And, the music continues. To the tune of jamming guitar solo (courtesy Skree) the beleaguered farmers line up behind Pike. They do some synchronized dance moves and then straighten up. They begin marching behind Pike with the Twi'Lek still at his arm as he wades through the zombie mass towards Dantor.

Pike: Oh those Sith how they conspired in the dark

Until their plans finally began to hark

The Emperor rose

Spoke in elegant prose

He was evil true

Who the heck knew

Now we are all in the Empires grasp

With which hand Dantor will clasp

I hear there's a rebellion

Fighting for the right of the alien

The fight's at our door

Say hello to Dantor

Chorus: HELLO

Pike and the farmers advance to stand before Dantor. The zombies circle.

Dantor: You can't stop me now

My dark sides energies won't allow

Sith ghosts whispered

And I dutifully followed

Jedis are gone

There are none

What are you to do

I tell you now shoo shoo

YOU CANNOT REDRESS
THIS SITH MADNESS

The zombies and the farmers begin fighting. Dantor shoots force lightning at Pike who evades while firing blaster bolts at Dantor.

Farmers: SITH MADNESS

Zombies: SITH MADNESS

Dantor and Pike come to a stand off both threatening to strike.

All together: SITHHH… MADNESSSSSSSSSS

Meanwhile Dantor and Pike fire. Dantor's lightning sears Pike's trench coat and Pike's bolts strike with deadly accuracy. Dantor falls to the ground before Pike's blaster. The music winds up as Pike spins his weapons and holsters them. The farmers gather around to look at the spectacle and the Twi'lek again comes to Pike's side.

Twi'lek: You saved us.

Pike: Honey… you sing off key.

Twi'lek proceeds to slap Pike and storms off. The farmers wander back to their original seats careful to side step the fallen zombies. Pike and Skree resume their seating.

"Did you see Mr. Solo?" Pike says finally.

"Umm… let me check, NO!" Skree responds bitingly.

"Well, I guess we will just have to come back tommorow." Pike says with a smile.

Skree sighs and takes a long swig of his drink.

(In Backround) SITH MADNESS dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn