Lost

Keiko has been dead for almost a year now. It is unbidden that that thought breaks through my mind. I can't quite remember what I was idly thinking about before that, however. It doesn't matter now, anyway. My thoughts have spiraled downward already. I'm lost, I know this. I realize, even more so now, that she was my sole purpose. Without that purpose, I am at a loss of what to do with myself.

Since the time I learned of my demon heritage, I suppose I always knew, somewhere towards the back on my mind, that this time would come. The time without her. That doesn't make this any easier, though. I can feel the darkness, that was once only at the far corners of my mind, slowly taking over me. I can feel myself slowly, and all too quickly, falling towards complete oblivion.

It was cancer. Isn't it always? To be less vague, it was cancer that took her. Of the things it could have been, it had to be one that would take her slowly. Taking only small pieces at a time. Blissfully easy to ignore at first, and agonizingly impossible to forget by the end. At first, it was just the small things; she couldn't walk for too long at a time, she was more tired than usual, she didn't have such an appetite, she didn't smile quite as much. But then... Then it became more pronounced. She started slipping quicker. I tried not to notice. I tried not to believe it was true. I was a fool.

It was cold that day, the day she was gone. In fact, the temperature and amount of snowfall that week broke records. I couldn't find anything to be more fitting than that. It was, as if, the gods themselves were mourning her loss. Perhaps they were. Or, perhaps it was simply one way she chose to say goodbye. She always did love that time of year, especially if there was enough snow to keep us home together all day.

A humorless, mournful half-smile sweeps over my face. Almost a year. I'm sure she's probably disappointed in me. We had had several conversations, during the time she was sick, about what she wanted from me after she was gone. Don't cry, she would say. Be happy, she would tell me, I want you to be happy. But I cannot. How can I? I'm lost, and the darkness is closing in.

In an attempt to prolong my ever-slipping sanity, I force my thoughts elsewhere. They fall, of course, on my former teammates. Kuwabara, I think with a sigh, is dead, too. Though I'll say this, with much sadness and remorse, I do not honestly know how. Kurama brought me the news days after it happened. He didn't know, either, it seemed. He just shrugged emptily when I asked, and then held me as I wept.

Ah, Kurama. It is him I now long for the most. He always did understand me best. Everyone thought that was Kuwabara, but the fox-boy and I both always knew it wasn't. It was always Kurama. I admit that I might have grown to love him, more than just as my teammate, friend and savior. Perhaps we could have been lovers, but that ship has long since sailed.

Then my thoughts shift, sluggishly, to Hiei. The last time I spoke to him was just after Keiko got sick. It was an interesting meeting, not much has changed for him. There is unspoken agreement between us to get together at least once every ten years or so and catch up. That may seem like a long time, but, to a demon, it's nothing, really. Years are practicality equivalent to weeks, maybe days, in demon-time.

Almost a year... I scream out my agony towards the sky. "Why?" I roar, my whole body trembling. "What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this?" I glare at the dark sky, waiting.

No answer comes, not that I expected much less. Sighing, I get shakily to my feet. I feel the tears streaming down, though I hardly care, at this point. The darkness is here. Right at the edge of my consciousness, closer than it has ever been before. I falling... Kurama...

"You don't deserve this, Yusuke... So why are you doing it to yourself...?" The voice is soft, and there is not even a hint of disappointment or chastising in it. It is just a question.

My head snaps up. I believe I might be hallucinating... Perhaps I've slipped further into oblivion than I thought... Nevertheless, I feel my mouth forming a familiar word, though it stumbles over it slightly. "K... Kur... Kurama?" He smiles at me. That small, perfect smile. "You better really be here..." I whisper, more to myself than anything. I take steps towards him, barely walking at first, sprinting by the time I reach him. I lunge into his arms with a agonized cry. "You're really here," I tell him through my tears.

"Yes, Yusuke, I was always here. You just had to look a little harder," he tells me softly.

For a long time, we stand there. Just stand there, in a warm embrace. Perhaps I'm not so lost, after all...

Notes: I believe this is just a one-shot, but please, if anyone would be interested in reading more, comment saying so, and I will continue on it. Feel free to leave any other thoughts in a comment, I enjoy reading them. Thanks. :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, or its characters. Nor do I claim to. Nor do I make any money off of them. I do, however, own my plot.