It is against the code to think of love, to speak of love, to entertain the mere idea of love. It is forbidden for anyone, ever, to fall in love. Harden your hearts, cast out your feelings; we are Pure and the Pure do not succumb to weakness. - Brightstar, founder of PureClan
/ \
"You don't seem like the type to conspire against your own leader."
It was dark, the sun long since set and the moon rising comfortably to take its place among the stars. The trees around them looked more like sinister creatures than bits of wood and leaves. Against her fur the wind felt ice cold. Everything seemed so much crueller at night, or perhaps that was just because she was so on edge.
"There's a type for that?" she replied smoothly. While she might be terrified of someone listening to their moonlit rendezvous, she would never let her confidant get even an inkling of that fear. There was no one listening. She'd scoped the area out like she did every time they met, scoured the thick forest for places to hide, searched the canopy for spies. Her life depended on their subtlety.
Her confidant, her informant, was not a friend; never a friend. No, the way Solace smiled at her was in no way friendly. It was far too malicious. "There's always a type," Solace purred. "It's the twisted warrior, the grieving queen, the ambitious deputy, the scheming neighbor."
"Don't I count as the ambitious deputy?" She'd never been inclined to explain why she was doing this, or why Eaglestar had to die. It was none of Solace's business. All her confidant needed to do was set the trap when the time was right.
Solace shook her head, smile turning coy. "There was nothing ambitious about the way you crept into my domain and begged for my help. There was nothing ambitious about the way you reeked of fear. No, you don't count as the ambitious deputy. You're an outlier. You plan to run from something that terrifies you by killing its origin. Eaglestar scares you."
The rogue was right in a way. Eaglestar did scare her, but it was nothing to do with him and all to do with her. "Just tell me that everything is ready. Tell me that I can bring him into the city and be done with all this," she snapped.
"In all our meetings we have yet to discuss my payment, Icebird. I'm not doing this for free, or out of the goodness of my heart. What will the great PureClan be willing to give up?" she leered.
"What do you want?" Icebird hissed. Her payment was already going to be great, the cost taxing on her soul.
Solace flicked her white tail and tilted her head, humming quietly. There was calculation in the green of her eyes. "Your raids on the city cost me many cats," she said. "In return for helping you murder your leader I want your word that PureClan will stay out of my side of the city when they raid."
That could prove annoying to say the least. Solace ran the closest half of the city, when they raided they always did it within her domain and rarely strayed over the border into Shade's land. Still giving up a little hunting ground didn't matter in the long run. Their deal would be null and void if the city boss was to die. Icebird stared at Solace, let the silence thicken and congeal before she spoke. "I accept. Spring the trap when we enter the city for our last raid in your territory, and PureClan warriors will never step foot there again."
She grinned smugly and extended a forepaw. "Shall we swear on it, like city cats?" Solace said. "Touch paws with me and your future will be secured."
There was a moment of hesitation, of regret, for the awful things she was about to set in motion. A part of her wanted to turn and run back to camp, forget about the midnight meetings and shaky alliances. But Eaglestar was a threat. He could undo everything she had strived so hard to achieve, make the blood on her paws all for naught. So Icebird, deputy of PureClan and pair to Eaglestar, touched paws with Solace and sold her leader to Death.
"Pleasure doing business with you again, Icebird. You'll have to come visit me in the city once this is all over, my brother will be thrilled to meet you. He's always had a thing for you Clan cats. I'll tell him that you say hello and that you'll be causing chaos in his territory soon," Solace laughed, already backing into the night.
Icebird watched her go, silent and strangely morose. This had been her plan for moons; so what had changed to make her feel so off balance about it all? It wasn't the prospect of murder. She was a PureClan warrior, they specialised in breeding cold-hearted killers. So just what was dragging at her paws?
She crept back into camp while the guard wasn't looking - Cedarhawk wasn't the most observant warrior which was why he was on duty that night. Her paws carried her to the bedraggled bush, weighed down by thick ivy, that the warriors slept in. Yet her eyes strayed to the hill in the centre of camp, to the yawning hole in the bottom of it and the den where Eaglestar slept. She knew exactly why the way she felt about her plan had changed. It had everything to do with him.
Her nest was cold. If she stared at her paws long enough she could see Flamefeather and Rooktooth's blood coating them. Were they watching her from StarClan wondering why? A long time ago it had been about ambition. Now it was about survival.
/ \
"Morning, darling." He always showed up when she least expected it, cocky grin in its usual place, looking more like a mischievous apprentice than respected leader. "You look lovely today." To someone not from PureClan Icebird supposed that would sound romantic, but there was nothing romantic about Eaglestar saying it. How could there be when even the mere idea of love was banned by the Code, stripped away from them and claimed to be a poison. No, he meant it only as a sense of routine, of normalcy.
She turned away from the skinny squirrel she'd been picking at, armed her muzzle with a sharp smile, and purred back, "lovelier than you do, my dear."
Eaglestar, golden tabby coat resplendent in the morning light, scowled back. "I'll have you know, pairey dear, that no one can look lovelier than me. I am the loveliest creature in the world." He tossed his head back and almost looked like a regal leader, almost. "You do come in close second though, if that makes you feel any better."
"Oh it makes me feel so much better," she snorted. Hailpaw trotted by on his way to the elder's den it looked like. She called to him, "get your leader something off the fresh kill pile and be quick about it!"
"I do love it when you order the apprentices around." Icebird almost flinched. That word coiled tightly in her gut and turned foul. In the morning sun their Clan looked no different from the ones she knew dwelled moons away by a lake, but it was the darkness under their skin that set them apart; the unspoken fear that drove them to murder and pillage.
Hailpaw dropped a sparrow at Eaglestar's paws. "Anything else you need?" he muttered.
"Mm, yes," Eaglestar spat out a mouthful of feathers. "Respect your elders, little kit, and drop that tone. Great StarClan you tiny ones have no sense of respect these days."
Icebird laughed. It didn't feel as hollow as it usually did. "That's rich coming from you. Have you forgotten how much of a pain you were as an apprentice?" she said.
"If I remember correctly, and I always do, you were the one that got us into all sorts of trouble," he scoffed.
The world faded then. Her mouth ran on instinct, spitting out the usual bickering that had become the norm. But her mind was far away. One day soon all this would be changed. The sun would set on a Clan with him as their leader and rise with her in his place, soaked in his blood, drowning in the knowledge that she'd ruined it all. Solace was in the city planning it all, setting up the trap they'd agreed on, and in a few days she'd be back to find out when Clan cats would sack her city for the last time. They'd both risked too much to call it off now.
He smiled at her then with none of his usual cockiness, and her heart beat that forbidden rhythm. That was why it could not be called off. That was why he had to die. His mere existence had become a danger. She'd seen what the Clan did to those that fell for the poison; the public executions, the torture, the beatings. They would not get to do that to her. In a matter of days she would drag him into the city and watch him die. In a matter of days she would stand as Icestar, survivor of the poison.
"You look deep in thought, dearest pair," Eaglestar said.
Icebird stripped the last of the meat from her squirrel, then looked everywhere but her leader. The apprentice, Hailpaw, had escaped; the white tip of his tail whisking into the elder's den. "Usurping you."
He didn't even tremble, "very funny. You shouldn't joke about that, you know? Someone might think you mean it seriously and that could cause all sorts of drama, and that means more work for me."
If only you knew. "You don't think I'd ever do it?" she asked curiously. Had he never even been the slightest bit suspicious of her? Everyone else had ever since the night she'd stumbled back into the camp covered in Rooktooth's blood. "The poison!" she'd crowed, "he had the poison!" It had merely been coincidence that Eaglestar had been planning on choosing Rooktooth for deputy when Wrenflight stepped down.
Three moons later she was deputy and Flamefeather was far too curious for her own good, sniffing around places she shouldn't, asking for answers to questions she most certainly shouldn't know about. Sunset painted the forest leaves red, and she'd painted the grass the same colour. It had been a bloody path to get here - it was about to get considerably bloodier.
"I don't doubt you aren't cunning enough to do it, I doubt your conviction. You like me too much to off me. I keep you entertained in this dull Clan. Boredom would sweep in and finish you off if I wasn't around anymore," Eaglestar winked.
The truth in his words scared her. She did like him too much, but that wasn't about to stop her from sending him to StarClan. This feeling dwelling in her heart she hated. It tasted foul, felt even worse; made her breath come quick when he looked her way, made her skin warm when he spoke her name. No wonder Brightstar had outlawed it. Love was a poison, it made them weak. Icebird knew that now - she knew that far too well.
"What would I do without you?" she murmured.
"Wither away, my dear." Eaglestar rolled onto his back, stretching in the warm sun. "Now, go and do your deputy duties. Your handsome leader has a nap to take."
She supposed she would find out soon enough.
/ \
The tainted was a foul smelling beast, a bundle of matted fur, urine, blood, and fear. He was huge though, towered over her, thick with muscle that had begun to waste. But it was the ferocity still in his eyes that had driven Icepaw to choose him for her assessment. He would test her. He would make her look like a true PureClan warrior ready to strip the poison from the world.
"Begin," Gorsestar commanded. The ring of excited Clan cats grew even closer.
Icepaw didn't wait for her tainted to move first. No, she flung herself under his belly before Gorsestar had even finished speaking. It stunk even worse under there and her claws caught in the matts, pulling almost painfully. Somehow they found skin, catching and tearing, staining foul gray fur scarlet. He howled, her hulking beast, and made to drop on top of her, to crush her beneath him. Icepaw was ready, already slipping out from under him with a final drag of her claws through skin. From the corner of her eye she could see the other apprentices - three of them - watching closely. They would have to do the same thing next: prove their murderous intent in front of their Clan mates.
The tainted moved quicker than she expected he could and threw out a paw that thudded heavily into her side. It flung her to the blood spattered grass. Before she could scramble to her paws he crashed down, claws sinking into her shoulder and pinning her. "Did you think I would cower and quiver while you tore me apart?" his breath washed over her, putrid and hot. "Perhaps it's time you PureClan cats were taught a lesson."
She had not picked this tom to let him kill her. "Perhaps it's time you tainted learned your place in the world," Icepaw hissed and kicked up. Her hindpaws caught him in the gut, knocked the air from his lungs and shifted his balance. In the same heartbeat she lurched up - biting back a grunt at the strain on her neck - and bit into his face. A scream caught in his throat at the same moment that his eye popped free of his socket, caught on the end of Icepaw's claw. Her face twisted into a cruel smile, and then she twisted out from underneath him, shaking his bloody eye free.
A growl thundered from him and he stared at her, one eye furious, the other a blood soaked hole. He was trembling, red dripping onto the grass from the gouges in his stomach. Icepaw couldn't tell if the tremors wracking him were born of pain or rage - she didn't really care. The tainted monster would die here, now. She sauntered towards him every inch a PureClan warrior desensitised to slaughter, to bloodshed, to cold-blooded murder. The onlookers might as well not even be there; the world had narrowed to nothing but Icepaw and the tainted locked in a circle, death dogging their heels.
"You don't have it in you," he hissed. His voice lacked confidence.
"Don't I?" she purred sweetly.
Icepaw moved. The tainted tried to scramble out of the way, his paws slipping in his own blood. Wet claws kissed his throat, bit down, ripped deep. In his throat his caterwaul drowned in red, became a sickly gurgling as it filled his throat and bubbled out over his lips. With terrifying satisfaction she let him spit his blood into her face, watching his eyes widen as he struggled to move air past the gaping wound in his throat. His legs gave way, terror filling the air leaking from him in a foul stench. She kept her cold gaze fixed on him until he stopped twitching, until death glazed his eyes. Then she turned to meet Gorsestar's approving stare.
"Well done, Icepaw. You make our future look bright," he said. She was dismissed then, sent back to the other apprentices as the tainted's body was hauled from the circle. It left a smear of scarlet behind.
Nightpaw and Cherrypaw congratulated her with purrs. Eaglepaw did not. Instead he crowed at her, "I bet I can make mine even bloodier."
"I'd like to see you try," she purred and lapped at the blood staining a forepaw.
"Cherrypaw, enter the circle!"
As the golden apprentice stepped in to prove herself, Eaglepaw sidled closer. He was grinning that usual cocky grin of his. "How did it feel to have that tainted nearly beat you?" he murmured.
"You know how I like to drag these sorts of things out," Icepaw retorted. "He was about as close to beating me then as he had been when he was dragged into that circle."
"If you say so." Insufferable. He'd been born it, came into the world in love with himself. But he was smart, and strong. Icepaw had to give him that; his cockiness was not misplaced. "Share your answers with me."
She blinked at him. "What?"
"Tomorrow, after our vigil, share your answers to what Gorsestar and Bramblecloud ask you," Eaglepaw explained.
Oh, those answers. Icepaw bristled, she didn't know if she wanted to share those answers with the arrogant mousebrain in front of her. Well it wouldn't hurt to get his hopes up. "Sure, only if you share yours."
He perked right up, cocky grin turning pleased smile. "Of course! It would be rude not to and I am never rude to pretty she-cats," Eaglepaw winked.
"That must be why I'm never nice to you," she said coyly, "because you're not pretty." His offended squawk made her laugh.
Night swept in silently, swiftly replacing the heat of day with a cool respite. The sun had set on a world with four less tainted in it - each apprentice had passed their assessment. Now came a formality that even PureClan had not been able to shed though they had placed their own spin on it. A vigil over the Clan, a silent watch, a time to think about the vows they had taken alongside their new names. Icebird. She might have wanted something a little more ferocious, like Icestorm, but she had no issues with her new name.
From her place by the camp mouth Icebird could look out into the forest, stare into the shadows and what lay beyond. Instead she was watching him from the corner of her eye as he stared out into the dark. The moon bleached his golden coat white. His face was twisted into a scowl. How hard it had been not to laugh at the look on his face when Gorsestar named him Eagleface. She bet he'd been imagining names like Eagleclaw or Eaglescar, something cool and strong sounding.
Would he be her pair? Or would it be Nightpaw, now Nightleap? He didn't seem like too bad of an option, though he kind of faded into the background. Icebird seemed to be faced with two possible futures: spend forever chained to that foxheart with the silly name, or be stuck with a nobody. Maybe she'd get Lightningfrost. He was still waiting for a pair. Cherryspot was lucky, she didn't stand a chance at getting Eagleface for a pair: the two were siblings.
"You look deep in thought." Gorsestar slipped out of the shadows. At his side was his loyal deputy, Bramblecloud. They watched her closely, like hawks watching prey. It nearly made her squirm. "Are you ready for our questions?"
"Yes," she answered firmly.
"Then let's begin. What do you want in your pair?" Gorsestar's eyes looked almost black in the dim light.
Did that even matter? Pairs weren't suppose to like each other, that encouraged thoughts of the poison. All pairs had to do was ensure the future of the Clan by providing kits. "Stubborn obnoxiousness," she muttered.
Bramblecloud snorted. Did the deputy even see her as a daugher anymore? There was this...detachment between kin within the Clan. Originally the poison banned had been specifically the love that was outside of family, the love that brought strangers together. Then it spread, seeped into other kinds of love till there was nothing left of it. PureClan was void of love. "We take your first answer," the deputy said. "So we're counting that."
"What does 'pair' mean to you?"
"A means to carry on PureClan's legacy." Without pairs PureClan would have crumbled to dust seasons ago. Her leader looked pleased with her answer.
Bramblecloud spoke then, "what's your favourite prey?"
"What?" Icebird blurted. "Squirrel?"
"There has to be some similarities between pairs, Icebird, or you'll be ripping each other apart within days," Gorsestar huffed a quiet laugh. "Would you rather live a short, glorious life or a long, boring one?"
That was easy. She was not built to live a boring life, it wasn't in her blood. If she didn't make it to be leader then she wanted to die young and grandly. In battle would be best, giving her life to save her Clan. They would tell her stories long after she was dead. "A short, glorious life."
"What do you wish to accomplish as a warrior?" A cloud drifted over the moon and the camp dipped into murky darkness.
"I want to be leader."
"That's ambitious," Gorsestar said quietly. "Be careful there, Icebird. Those thoughts might lead you down a dark path."
She gave him an easy smile. "You'll see, I'll be a great leader one day."
"One day perhaps. Now, if you had to choose one or the other would you save your pair or your kit?"
"My kit," Icebird replied. "The future of the Clan must be protected."
Bramblecloud smiled a little. "You really are the ideal PureClan warrior," she purred. Was that a hint of motherly pride perhaps? Or just a deputy proud to see the strength in the Clan's youth?
"Would you kill your pair if they contracted the poison?"
"Of course. The poison must be destroyed regardless of who is affected by it."
A wind swept through the forest and set the moon free. Its white light lit up Gorsestar's satisfied smile as it stretched across his muzzle. "Perfect answers. If you live long enough it wouldn't surprise me if you rose to leadership one day. Continue your vigil. Your pair will be given to you in the morning."
"Thank you, Gorsestar." Icebird bowed her head respectfully as the leader and deputy moved on, leaving her to speak with Eagleface. She hoped he gave stupid answers. As if he could sense her watching he turned and gave her a brazen wink. Icebird bared her teeth at him in return.
The night seemed to linger. Dawn's light had never been so beautiful. Her body still ached from the final assessment yesterday and her eyes burned with exhaustion. In the grass beside the apprentice's den was a comfy nest just waiting for her. She felt like she could sleep for days. The others weren't much better off. Cherryspot looked asleep on her paws, head drooping and eyelids fluttering. Even "I'm the best at everything" Eagleface was ruffled. Their saviour came in the form of Reednose slipping from the warrior's den.
"You're free to speak and do what you want," she told them with a purr. "Congratulations! I hope the night wasn't too long."
"It could have been shorter," Nightleap muttered.
None of them could be bothered to stumble through the warrior's den looking for spare nests, so they just flattened down some of the long grass and curled up together. Cherryspot was warm against Icebird's back. Eagleface purred something about getting really cosy and Nightleap slapped him with his tail. They were an odd group of friends. Not close friends, no even that kind of love was forbidden.
She blinked sleepily and, through bleary eyes, thought that she saw Eagleface peeking at her over his tail. If she had have stayed awake longer perhaps she would have seen him say almost silently, "I hope you're my pair."
Gorsestar didn't let them sleep for long and Icebird wanted to claw him for dragging her out of her peaceful sleep. But her curiosity to know who she would spend the rest of her life beside got the better of her, so she merely ducked into a long stretch before following her leader to the hill in the middle of camp. Again the Clan gathered around them.
Cherryspot went to Lightningfrost. That left only Eagleface and Nightleap. Still, she wasn't quite prepared to hear Gorsestar say, "Icebird and Eagleface."
He, that mousebrained tom, brushed up beside her and said, "till death do us part, love."
/ |
Icebird couldn't quite remember when she'd fallen in love with Eaglestar. Was love supposed to be obvious? Was it supposed to hit you one morning so you'd know? It was a strange thing, came in waves that ebbed. Some days her love for him was faint. Others it was so strong she feared he'd be able to see it just by looking at her. The worst part of it though? The worst part was that she was so alone with these feelings. She couldn't tell anyone. They'd execute her. That, strangely, didn't scare her as much as how Eaglestar would look at her; the disgust and hatred. So she remained silent and terrified of the feelings growing inside.
The day she'd crawled into Solace's den, the shattered house on the hill, had been the worst of the bad days. Her heart felt like it was about to crawl from her chest and declare her feelings to the world, and all it had taken were a few words she didn't think he'd even meant sincerely.
"You aren't allowed to get hurt out there."
It was then that she'd known she had to kill him. The way it made her feel was wrong. It was forbidden, it was a weakness, it was poison. Looking at him with such longing in her heart would get her killed if she didn't strike first. One of them had to go and it wasn't going to be her.
She didn't regret that decision. In the end it was getting her what she'd always wanted: to be leader. But it was going to come at the cost of someone she had grown to care for, even if she hated the feeling. The love for him had become...normal. Part of her life. He was insufferable, full of himself, arrogant, and annoying, but she enjoyed the time spent by his side. If she could would she take back the plans formed with Solace? Maybe. Probably. Yes, she would. What was the world going to look like without him in it? How would she function without him pestering her all day?
Then there were times like now where she truly thought about calling it off, about telling Solace not to bother, the deal was over.
Eaglestar had demanded she take time out of her busy day to accompany him on a walk, to keep him safe from any tainted of course. They did this every few days and she loved it. She loved him. It was the only time she let herself truly love him without feeling bad.
She didn't hate him for making her feel this way. She couldn't hate him.
"You're usually much chattier than this, darling," he flicked her with his tail.
"I'm sure you can fill the silence very easily," she snipped back.
He laughed. Icebird loved that sound. "As much as I love the sound of my own voice I don't go on these walks just to talk to myself."
"Why do you insist on these walks?" The forest breathed around them, playful breeze tweaking their tails and rustling the leaves.
"Aren't I allowed to spend time with my lovely pair?" Eaglestar asked.
She blinked at him, perplexed. "I didn't think pairs were supposed to spend time together. Are you feeling sick? Here let me check, stop moving for a second." Cutting in front of him Icebird stuck a forepaw against his forehead, then nodded gravely. "Tainted."
Eaglestar frowned at Icebird from underneath her paw. "Don't be ridiculous," he said. "I am not tainted in the slightest. See?" He shook her off and pushed his chest out, "no sign of the taint. This handsome leader is positively healthy."
"Hm, I can see some early signs of full of oneself disease. It's fatal I'm afraid."
"Blasphemy!"
Icebird didn't know how to love. But this, running through the forest in the sunhigh warmth with her pair and friend racing after her, this felt like love; and if that was what love truly was then she didn't understand why it was banned, why it was forbidden. It didn't feel evil the warmth thrumming through her skin, didn't feel malicious the joy singing in her bones. No one in PureClan knew this feeling. They feared it, hated it. She felt like they were missing out on something beautiful.
They ended up in the meadow, stalking each other through the grass. It felt right. It felt like all this was meant to be, her, him, this love. He leapt from the grass behind her with a loud, victorious shout, and the two went down in a tangle of limbs. Everything he did she loved.
"This is highly unprofessional," he snorted, rolling off her and onto his back,"deputy and leader playing tag in the woods."
"No one can judge if they never find out," she remarked.
Eaglestar gasped, "that's genius. We don't tell anyone a thing! See, this is why you're my deputy. You're the brains and I am the beauty."
"Oh you're the beauty are you? Why can't I be both beauty and brains?" Icebird poked him in the side.
"I suppose I could share a little of my beauty with you, but only if you share some of your brains," he demanded.
"Eaglestar, dear, there isn't enough room in that tiny head of yours for more brains."
"You wound me!" he cried, "is that why you won't love me? Because of my tiny brain?"
Icebird froze. How can he throw that word around so easily, like it means nothing? Because it did mean nothing to him, and it should mean nothing to her. How had things become so twisted? How had her life turned from striving to become leader, to struggling to keep herself alive? If he hadn't existed would she have fallen for someone else? "You have enough brains for me," she said quietly.
"Good. I'd hate for you to leave me for another."
Overhead the clouds were fat and lazy, drifting aimlessly across the sky. "That one's nearly as big as your butt," she said while pointing at a particularly large one. His offended squawk echoed across the meadow. That was how they spent the afternoon, laying beside each other in the grass pointing out shapes in the clouds. It went from teasing each other to whatever they could make out of the heavy clouds.
The sun was beginning to sink when he spoke. "My mother used to tell me stories," Eaglestar said, oddly serious, "about a lake so clear that of a nighttime you could not see the difference between sky and land. She told me it was what she hoped StarClan looked like; whether it's true or not she has yet to show up and say."
"I suppose one day you'll enter StarClan and see for yourself," Icebird murmured. That traitorous voice whispered, much sooner than you may like.
He turned then, shifted onto his side to watch her with something strange in his eyes. "I hope that you and I go together in some act of grandeur. My life would be very boring without you messing it up all the time."
It was odd that they were talking about the stars when the sun shone down on them. It was odd that Eaglestar spoke to her like he actually cared. It was odd that, for a brief moment, Icebird entertained the idea that perhaps he loved her too. For that moment she felt a kind of happiness she had never felt before.
"We best be heading back, we'll be leaving at dawn for the city." With those words he brought her crashing back down to her dark reality.
Tomorrow Eaglestar would die.
/ \
Dawn arrived swiftly and Eaglestar did not want to get out of his nest. It was considerably warmer in his feather lined nest that it was outside, he knew that was fact. From his den dug into the hill he could hear the chatter and movement of his Clan readying to leave. His rambunctious group of cat sure did love their raids. There was the sound of a commotion, frustrated yelling from Nightleap, before he heard her. "Cut it out, you useless lumps!" Icebird snapped. "We're supposed to look like a formidable force, not a bunch of kits!"
He sighed and rolled to face the mouth of the den where dawn's pale light was seeping in. The voice of his charming pair, perhaps the coldest deputy PureClan had ever had. She was indeed perfect, the Clan's ideal, a weapon sharpened to a precarious point. There was no kindness in her, no mercy; only a harsh sense of righteousness.
Icebird should have been leader, not him. He had never adhered to PureClan's cruel mentality. Since birth he had never feared what they called the poison. A sickly curiosity of it might have ruined him if he hadn't kept it secret. Love fascinated him. What was so evil about it that a leader had forbidden it, then swept her Clan away when the others refused to do it too?
His fascination turned into actual love the first time he saw Icebird fight. The fluid grace, the calculated glint, the satisfaction at winning. It was breathtaking. She was breathtaking. The sudden plummet into love frightened him for all of half a day. He was tainted, poisoned. Strangely Eaglestar didn't care. From birth they were groomed to believe that love made a cat weak. Perhaps it was time someone showed them that you could be strong with love. So he shrugged off his fear and went about his life.
Had he perhaps convinced Gorsestar than he and Icebird would make an ideal pair? Maybe. Had he sweet talked his way into leadership, then waited gleefully while Gorsestar died of blackcough? Perhaps. Had he turned a blind eye when Icebird murdered her way to deputy? Of course. Eaglestar was not a saint; all paths in PureClan were bloody and he imagined his would end in a wave of scarlet. He would never forget the way Badgertuft struggled as the river stripped him of his breath, or the way he went still when there was nothing left in his lungs. His darling pair was not the only one that had committed atrocities to get where they were.
The nest beside his was cool. In all his time being in this den it had only ever been used three times - they were paired after all, expected to produce a future. But they had never been successful. He hadn't expected her to creep in long after the sun had set. The moonlight had made her ethereal, some godly creature deigning him important enough to visit. In silence she'd lay down in that nest and in silence they remained for the night. He didn't ask her why tonight just like she didn't ask him why did it have to be you.
"Eaglestar! We're leaving!" his pair yowled.
Without a second thought about the extra nest and the memories it contained, Eaglestar left his den, coat ruffled from sleep but eyes alight with the prospect of bloodshed. The eyes of his Clan fell on him. "Let us remind the city why they fear us."
There was something off about the journey through their territory and into the unclaimed wilds that bordered it. On the horizon there was a smudge of gray - over sweeping plains of grey and a river that cut through it - the city in all its bland glory. Usually his pair stayed by his side practically buzzing with excitement. This time she walked beside Cherryspot, eyes downcast and haunted. He watched her from the corner of his eye, worried. This was not like her. He wanted to comfort her, ask her what was wrong, but he couldn't. Not here. Not ever. So he turned his attention back to the city.
Rainclouds were brewing thick and heavy in the darkening sky when they crossed the threshold between untamed wild and stone prison. The smell of rain clung to the air. It was going to be a wet raid it seemed. Eaglestar curled his lip; he hated getting drenched. Well, they couldn't turn back now. "You know what to do," he said to his Clan. "Kill some, maim some, drag some back here for assessments. Off you go. Entertain yourselves." He watched them disperse, flitting like phantoms over fences and walls, melting into the shadows. Before dawn they would stain the city red.
"Where are we going this time, love?" he asked Icebird. It had begun to rain already, thick drops slicking back her white fur.
A slight smile, "this way, dear."
She was back to normal then, creeping through the dark roads like she was born to do it. Under sagging fences they went, over dilapidated walls. On a hill loomed a shattered house. They hadn't been to this part of the city very often; it was where the bulk of stray city cats lived. A grin curled at his muzzle. His darling pair was feeling rather murderous tonight to bring them here.
As they walked his gaze strayed to her stomach. Would they give their Clan a future this time? If this time turned out like the others he might have to start questioning whether Icebird was barren. It seemed...harsh to think like that. He didn't care if she could or couldn't give him kits, but the Clan did. StarClan did.
"Eaglestar," Icebird said softly. They'd come to a stop in an alley, soggy wooden boxes stacked up on one side, tall stone wall barring the other. Water seeped along the stone beneath their paws. She turned to him, the yellow of her eyes flashing in the night. "Eaglestar. You will understand why."
"Understand what? Icebird, what are you going on about?"
A shape stirred atop one of the boxes, uncurled and unwrapped, steps light as they slithered down the wood to the wet below. His pricked ears caught the sound of pawsteps behind them, then his eyes spotted a third slinking down the alley towards them. He opened his mouth to demand what was going on but the words died on his tongue when he realised Icebird was putting space between them. She was putting herself behind the intruders, unafraid of them as if she knew them.
Something like dread dropped in his stomach.
/ \
Nycto was the slinking shadow that dropped from the boxes. Behind Eaglestar she could see Vera, burly and cruel, cutting off his only escape. Icebird knew that Solace was padding up the alley towards them, could hear the soft splashes of her paws in the water. It had arrived. Despite the regret, despite the moonhigh visit, they had still arrived at this point; she had still dragged Eaglestar to his death.
"Explain, Icebird. What is going on?" Eaglestar demanded. His hackles were bristling, tail lashing. Even he, the great Eaglestar, must surely realise he was hopelessly outmatched?
"Yes," came Solace's smooth voice, "tell him, Icebird. Tell him exactly what is going on." The city boss brushed up against Icebird's side, mouth twisted into a cold grin. How long had Solace dreamed of having PureClan's leader at her mercy? She bared her teeth at the city cat.
"I'm sure you can guess." Did her voice really sound that cold? That detached? Her heart had fled her chest, broke free of its bone confines and escaped the cruelty its master was about to bring down upon it. She could feel her soul blackening, dripping, flaking, crumbling. It would be as black as a moonless night after this deed was done, if any of it even remained. "His left hindleg is weak."
At her side Solace laughed. "You heard her. Take him," she told her lackeys.
They fell on Eaglestar in complete silence, no battle cry or quiet snarls; purely professional. But Eaglestar was a leader for a reason and he would not go down quietly. He carved open Vera's shoulder, teeth splintering bone. Nycto lost half an ear to a vicious swipe of bloodied claws. A shriek ripped free of Eaglestar when Vera caught his foreleg in her mouth and bit down till it shattered. Jagged gashes down her face were what she got in return. It seemed like their fight would roll on till dawn, neither side giving. The water on the stone had gathered a red hue. Then there was an unbalancing. Rearing up to bring his paws down on Nycto's head Eaglestar couldn't stop Vera from darting in and raking her claws down the old scar; his leg quivered then failed him. He was pinned the moment his body slammed into stone.
"What a pitiful sight," Solace purred. Her claws sunk into the side of Eaglestar's head. "The great PureClan leader betrayed by his own deputy, his own mate. Here he lay, the one we all feared would sneak into our beds at night and slaughter us, in his own blood." He didn't even give her the satisfaction of a flinch when she dragged those claws down his cheek.
He bucked under the city cats weight, hissing and snarling like a beast possessed. Icebird pushed Solace away and planted herself right in front of him. The struggling stopped. The snarling ceased. The hot anger in his eyes melted into a cold sadness. "How could you do this?" he hissed. "We're friends!"
"There are no friends in PureClan, Eaglestar." The tremor that shook his strong shoulders struck painfully at her heart. "That's what you said when Stormleaf told everyone Badgertuft had been murdered in cold blood. No friends, only rivals." It hurt. Every word burned her throat.
Blood dripped down his forehead. "We're paired, Icebird! You said you wouldn't know what you'd do without me!" he cried. Nycto pressed a paw into a seeping wound, drawing a pained whine from the golden leader.
"I suppose I'll have to find out what life is like without you," she said coldly.
Fear flooded his eyes. "Please," he whispered. "Please don't do this. Please, Icebird, please tell me what we have is worth more to you than the title of leader. Please."
The pain burning in her veins, her skin, her heart, was worse than anything she had ever felt before. "We have nothing." It nearly killed her to say it, so false it was. She wished they had been born somewhere else, somewhere far from PureClan where the love she felt for him was accepted and not forbidden. "Kill him."
Vera bit into Eaglestar's scruff and lifted his head from the ground, presenting his throat to Nycto like a gift. He was screaming now. "Icebird! Icebird, please! Don't do this! Don't let them kill me!" Begging like a frightened kitten. Nycto placed his claws to the throat offered to him. "PLEASE!" Blood sprayed into the air, splattered on the stone, on the boxes, on Icebird's face. It gushed from the slash in his throat and spilled down the gold of his chest. He coughed and gagged and sputtered, blood rushing up into his mouth and soiling his muzzle. All the while his eyes never left Icebird, and hers never left him. She had brought them this far, she would see it through to the gruesome end.
Light was rapidly fading from his eyes, his head beginning to sag. The only sound coming from him now was a sickly wheezing as he tried to breathe past the hole in his throat. Deep inside Icebird's chest her heart cracked the very moment Eaglestar gave in and went still.
There was silence for a brief moment. "It is done," Solace said quietly, as if she was afraid to break whatever had settled over the alley.
"Again."
"What?" Solace blinked. "He's dead."
"He is a leader. He has six lives left. Again."
Eaglestar stirred, a harsh cough sounding in his throat - the throat that was now lacking a slash in it. His wild eyes settled on Solace, then Icebird, brimming with fear now. He had finally realised the true depth of what was occurring. The alley was the place for his execution. Here he would be put to death six times.
She didn't know if her heart would still be beating by the sixth time. "Again," Icebird demanded.
"Icebird…"
"Again! This is your part of the deal, Solace. Kill him again."
Eaglestar breathed out a reedy whine. "No. You don't need to do this. Please, Icebird. Can we talk, please?"
"Talking won't solve this problem," she replied bitterly.
"How do you know that!?" he shouted. "Tell me! Tell me, Icebird, and we will sort this out!"
Teeth met throat this time. It seemed that his body was still weak, not quite recovered from the first death. Unfortunate for him. Fortunate for them. Don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, let him live, explain it all to him, let him survive. That tempting voice whispered such sweet things. She would not give into it. Love was forbidden, it had to be eradicated. If she got rid of him it would go away and she would finally be able to fulfil her apprenticehood dream.
That was what she kept telling herself as Vera's strong jaw flexed around Eaglestar's throat, teeth nicking his fluttering pulse. She bit deep enough for blood to well up around her teeth, then deeper still till his windpipe sat nestled in her mouth. Then she bit through that too. He was still screaming when his last breath was expelled, when the last of it stored in his lungs escaped. "Icebird! Icebird! Icebird, please!" She knew that his screaming was going to haunt her dreams.
"Again," she said when he stopped twitching.
Solace protested, "wait, Icebird, this is...this is more than murder. This is wrong."
She wondered what Solace saw in her eyes that made her skitter back a few steps, what horror lurked in her broken depths. "If you want your territory safe kill him again."
When he awoke the second time they were ready, Vera locking his shoulders to the ground, Nycto rearing up to smash Eaglestar's skull. He didn't get a chance to even scream. Hollowly Icebird wondered if this was cathartic for the city cats doing the killing. She didn't flinch when his head caved, didn't turn away when the waterlogged stone floor turned an even darker shade of red. No, Icebird met Eaglestar's blank gaze while Nycto smashed and smashed till there was nothing left.
She didn't feel anything. "Again." Her body was numb. Her mind was numb. She couldn't even feel the rain freezing her bones. It felt like there was more rain sliding off her cheeks than what there should have been.
The third time he returned from death he lurched shakily to his paws before anyone could stop him. Little strength supported him and Eaglestar wobbled as he stumbled over to Icebird, tripping and falling at her paws. He pressed his nose to her leg and pleaded once more, "I know you always wanted to be leader, I know that was what you strived for. I didn't mean to get in your way; I'll step down. You can have it, all of it. I won't say a word."
It broke her even more that he still thought she was doing this for his position. "That's not enough."
His voice cracked. "Do you hate me?"
That broke her even more. Nycto and Vera didn't bother hauling him away; they ripped him open from throat to tail as he lay on her paws. His voice was raw from screaming and the howls of pain he released were horrifying to hear. As he choked on the blood bubbling in his mouth he asked once more, "do you hate me?"
No, I love you, and that's why you have to die.
PureClan did not succumb to weakness. They did not give into the poison known as love. Icebird had fallen under its spell, now she had to prove she was strong enough to defeat it. She would break free of its clutches and return to lead PureClan into a greater era.
The next time Eaglestar returned Vera snapped his neck before his eyes even opened.
Solace yanked Icebird away before Eaglestar could wake up again. "The deal is off," she said hoarsely. "I can't be a part of this anymore. This is...I don't even have words for it. I don't care if you hunt in my part of the city, I don't care what you do, but I cannot watch this anymore. You...you're a monster. You have no heart."
There was no point in arguing, Icebird knew a lost cause when she saw one. She slit Solace's throat, then jumped on Vera and Nycto while they were distracted by Eaglestar. Neither begged for their life to be spared. They accepted their death even if it was bloody and hardly noble.
In the silence left in the alley Icebird sat back on her haunches and let the rain wash the blood from her face. "You killed them," Eaglestar rasped. He was staring blankly at their bodies.
"Can't have witnesses." The city didn't need to know what soulless monster now ruled over PureClan, how truly morbid she was to watch her pair be killed over and over.
"This isn't about being leader, is it?" he said.
"Not entirely," she replied.
Eaglestar crept closer. "Then what is it about?"
It was time he knew her secret. Maybe it would bring him some sort of peace in death, or maybe he would be disgusted. "The poison must be eradicated. It cannot be allowed to spread. I'd rather not kill myself, so killing you seemed like the next best option: eliminate the source and it will go away."
There was a sharp intake of breath and then he was there, pressed up against her, nose pressed into her cheek. "You love me. You love me," he murmured. Why wasn't he disgusted? Why wasn't he sneering at her and calling her weak for letting the poison in?
"I, I don't understand," Icebird stammered. "You don't hate me?"
He pulled back, but only far enough to be able to look her in the eye. "How could I hate you when I love you so much?" Eaglestar said softly.
Every muscle in her body seized up. "You...you love me?"
"I have loved you every day since I saw you fight for the first time. Every day," he told her.
He...he loved her. They were both tainted, both poisoned, both worthy of execution, but he loved her. She knew now that she was crying, that it wasn't rain, because she knew that one of them could not leave that alley alive. They had found love and now had to destroy it.
"One of us has to die," Icebird said. "The poison has to be destroyed."
Eaglestar watched her with sad eyes, "I'll never be able to convince you otherwise, will I?"
"It's wrong, Eaglestar. We're PureClan's future and if we're tainted then it will spread and consume the entire Clan. It will destroy PureClan," she replied. It wasn't what she wanted. No, she wanted to go home and explore what love was with him, to discover what it felt like to love and be loved. But they couldn't.
"So one of us has to die?" he asked.
"Yes."
His nose pressed into her cheek once more and they sat like that, caught up in each other, for what felt like an eternity. It felt like home. Eaglestar stepped back, then leaned in to lick her muzzle. "I always knew my path would end in scarlet," he said as he bared his throat to her. "I'm glad that I got to spend my life in love with you."
Icebird squeezed shut her eyes and tried to ignore the awful pain in her heart. "I don't know what it means to love. I don't know how to love. I know what I have done is awful and you have every right to hate me and curse me and want to kill me, and I don't truly understand why you aren't angry, but I do love you, Eaglestar. I know that much."
"I hate the you that you think you are, the you that PureClan created. The you that views love as something horrible. I hate that we have come to this, and I hate that your upbringing is driving you to hurt yourself to save that awful Clan. But I don't hate the you that you actually are deep inside. The you that could one day exist. I don't hate the you that might accept this love one day and change PureClan for the better, and if I have to die to see that happen then I am willing to do so. I'm angry at PureClan and at myself for not even trying to change anything. I'm angry at you for refusing to see anything else but their sickly ideals. So finish it, Icebird. Finish it and do what I could not."
Under a heavy raincloud in a dirty alleyway splattered with blood, Icebird pressed her teeth against Eaglestar's throat and let his lifeblood run free.
/ \
Icestar sat on the hill in the middle of camp waiting for her Clan to settle themselves in front of her. She was a leader in name only. StarClan had not blessed her with lives because she had never gone to receive them. Icestar was a coward afraid of facing the cat she'd murdered. That night something had fractured inside her and it had changed her. She hated herself, despised herself, for killing him. She hated herself for not giving what they had a chance. Her actions had replaced love with hate, that was her punishment.
She knew Eaglestar would be so disappointed in her that his death had been in vain. Selflessly he had offered up his own life in the hopes that she might change PureClan. But she never would. Icestar had given up on love, on herself, on him.
Down on the grass below were there very pleased apprentices still spattered with blood and injured from their assessment. "Heronpaw, you will be Heronmist. Hawkpaw, you will be Hawkstorm. Redpaw, you will be Redfeather. StarClan honours your quest to evade the poison and you are now full warriors of PureClan. Your pairs will be assigned tomorrow after your vigil."
The Clan chanted their names but Icestar did not. They were her kits but she felt nothing but loathing for them. The three of them were a reminder of what she could have had but gave up. It was because of them that she often found herself wishing Eaglestar was here, sharing this life with her.
Icebird died in the alley that night. Icestar had walked from it hollow inside, tinged with the ice she was named for.
She wished Eaglestar had killed her instead.
crappy ending is crappy.
for swyfte.