What You Will Never Say
This fic is directly inspired by 'What I Won't Tell You' by Blossomwitch, and is sort of a companion piece for it. Also my first attempt at anything restricting my word count - 'tis a pentadrabble (500 words). Enjoy!
You come every night. You're good, very good, at keeping your ki so low that I cannot detect it; but I never need to. Your scent betrays you.
It clings to the tree like a second layer of bark, a tang of bright metal over Hiei's low and musky burnt smell. It is a scent that no true human could have—sometimes I wonder sadly how you think I might not notice.
Hiei has noticed as well, I'm sure, but he says nothing. The tree is not his for watching any longer, for he is always welcome inside, where closeness has moved into the realm of touch and smell and shared silence. I would invite you in as well, from time to time, but you have chosen to never reveal yourself, and I respect that.
I wonder, though, if you understand what you see.
Affection is such a one-way concept for humans, and for those brought up among them. It confuses. It so often blends with possession—and no wonder that it is confusing, when its unselfish nature becomes tainted with fear and self-interest. It is hard to comprehend that love and possession are two different experiences, two different arrangements, separate and noninteracting. Demons often possess each other; they do not often love. Love demands equality, total freedom, no claim and no expectation, or there is no balance. Youkai above all require that balance in order to love.
You have accepted that your love will never include possession, and therefore devalue the love itself. Hiei and I—we have never had such illusions.
I love Hiei. Hiei loves me. Neither of us would seek to possess the other, for we know it would never be tolerated. So few demons ever reach the level of trust necessary for our bond, and we are special in that way, but should Hiei choose to return to nothing more than my comrade, I would not lose anything of him. Touch would remain a pleasant memory, a possible future, and what we feel for each other would never dim.
Put simply, I am with Hiei because he needs me. He has never experienced this physical intimacy with any other, has never truly trusted anyone enough. It is an honor I often wonder if I deserve, that he has asked me to teach him of trust.
You need me in the same way. But I know you will never ask.
It remains a sadness for me that though I love you as well, no more and no less than I love Hiei, I do not want you to. You can never love me without seeking to possess me; you do not know how to love any other way. Humans teach their young well, to be more selfish than any demon, to mix the concepts of affection and slavery into a painful, patchwork whole.
So you can only linger outside my window, every night, silently watching—and leave behind the words you will never say.