I shouldn't even be writing this letter – only bad things will come of it. But I've tried and tried to hold it all in and something's going to have to give; best that it is this. Besides, nobody will ever know who this letter is for. See – I didn't write your name at the top, not even an initial. They can guess, you never know, they might even get it right; but they'll never actually know, not for sure. Only you will know, and you will never read this.
Sometimes I wish I could say this to you, not just write it down on an empty piece of paper and wish it true. I won't though, Jesus, I can't. Call me a coward if you want but it's true and my heart is breaking because of it. I want to sit you down and a see your face and smile at those amazing china blue eyes. I want to bury my head into your neck and breathe in your smell and feel completely and utterly safe. I want you to be there, to know that I mean every word I say and everything I feel.
But it's impossible.
Why do you think I'm with you, near you, so often? Do you really think I need that much help with paperwork? Didn't you ever catch those glances out of the corner of your eye or did you pretend not to see them – for both our sakes. You were always strong like that, not like me.
In my mind I have undressed you so many times. I've tasted you and held you and I've felt my tears fall onto you. It's true: I cry for you. Every pain, every hurt you feel – I feel it too. I just wish you see mine, feel mine...or maybe, maybe you do – I guess I'll never know.
You tell me stories sometimes, about your family, your friends, your dreams. I love them. I'm like a drunk, with every drop of information I crave more, but you always close-up and so I am never satisfied.
People laugh at us you know?
Those two? When are they going to get married? Don't forget to invite me to the wedding! They laugh and laugh and laugh. Because to them it's all a big joke, they don't know, cant know that to me it's all real and, if I could, I would marry you right here, right now. But I'm afraid, so afraid, because I know that you'd say no.
I want you; I doubt you'll ever know how much – too much. But I want you. I want you to hold me. I want to go to sleep next to you and wake up beside you. I don't want to go to sleep alone and wake up with tears tracks down my face.
I love you.
J x