When the Dust Settles
Spoilers: Crimson
Chloe just had what amounted to the crappiest 24-hour stretch she'd experienced in recent memory. And considering what she had to deal with on a daily basis, that was saying something. The people closest to her had all turned on her. First, Clark publicly humiliated and ridiculed her, playing on the one thing that cut her to the core: her unrequited feelings for him. Then Lois decided to follow Clark's lead and threw in a hard shove for good measure. To top it all off, her boyfriend Jimmy accused her of being a liar and then promptly decided to dump her because he suspected she still had feelings for her best friend. If that didn't qualify as a craptacular day, she didn't know what did.
She rested her elbows on the ledge of the Daily Planet's rooftop terrace and sighed into the night sky. As she looked down on the street below, she imagined that it wouldn't be so hard for someone to jump off the Planet's rooftop if they wanted to. Not that Chloe was feeling suicidal. She was anything but suicidal. In fact, she was quite the opposite. She was pissed. And pissed people didn't kill themselves. Instead, they tended to kill other people. Except that the person she most wanted to kill at this moment was pretty much unkillable.
Since she felt pissed and couldn't take it out on anyone, she had no choice but to revert back to feeling hurt and miserable over her current situation. Everyone who knew her must have thought she was pathetic; unable to move on from a high school crush. Even Jimmy seemed to think so. Granted, Lois and Clark were infected by Red K, but that also meant that they'd said what they truly felt, and that really hurt.
But before she could continue her best imitation of a Clark Kent mope-fest, she heard the rooftop door open and close behind her.
"Hey, I thought I'd find you here," said a familiar voice.
And instantly Chloe was glad. But she wasn't glad because she was happy to hear his voice like she normally was. She was glad because she could finally stop being miserable and go right on back to being pissed.
When he realized that Chloe didn't immediately say anything or turn to greet him, his heart filled with apprehension. Even though he was under the influence of red kryptonite last night, he didn't believe it was an excuse for his actions. Clark felt horrible about what he said to her and he couldn't forget the deep look of hurt that momentarily flashed across her face at his words. He didn't blame her if she completely hated his guts right now. Of all the people he'd said terrible things to last night, she was the one person for whom he'd wished he could take everything back.
Cautiously, he approached her and stopped a few feet behind her before he tried to get her attention again.
"Chloe, I'm so sorry about last night."
"You're always sorry Clark," she said without even bothering to move at all. In truth, she was afraid to turn around and face him. She was just so angry that she had no idea what she would do if she took a look at him.
"You have to believe me," he pleaded, "I didn't mean anything I said to you at the dinner party. It was the Red K talking…"
For some reason, something inside Chloe snapped. Perhaps it was Clark's attempt to chalk it all up to the Red K, or maybe she just really wanted to give him a piece of her mind for once.
"Oh bull!" she shouted as she whipped around. Her hazel eyes blazed with so much anger that Clark wondered whether Chloe had somehow acquired heat vision.
"We both know that's not true Clark! Even though Red K turns you into more of an ass than usual, it doesn't turn you into liar. If anything, Red K makes you completely honest! So whatever you said last night had to come from somewhere inside of you… I just had no idea that my 'supposed' best friend thought I was such a total loser!"
"No, that's not what I think about you Chloe!"
"Oh really?" her voice rose another octave. "That's not what I heard last night. Do you want me to re-hash the whole thing for you Clark?"
"That's really not necessary-"
"Oh no," Chloe interrupted, the full strength of her sarcasm directed at Clark, "I think it is."
Clark braced himself for what she was about to say next. She was pacing around him in circles now, and the sight of her bright blond hair evoked images of a lion circling wounded prey. And it was pretty clear that he was the only prey item on the roof. She ceased her circling and strode forcefully towards him so that she was right up to his face, or more accurately, his chest. Even though she was looking up at him, he could have sworn her petite form was looming over him. A scornful, twisted smile colored her features as she began speaking with sarcasm oozing from her voice. The sight of it scared him. Was this what it was like when Chloe truly decided to turn on you?
"Didn't you say that I was happy that Lana was off the market because then all my years of unrequited pining might actually pay off? Did I get that correct? Do you think I'm just the girl you keep in your back pocket, always at your beck and call whenever Lana or Lois won't give you the time of day? I bet you got a kick out of that!!"
Her words stabbed him like a kryptonite knife. One part of him couldn't believe that Chloe even suggested that he thought of her that way. Didn't she know how much she meant to him? But another part of him felt ashamed because he knew that in the back of his mind he didn't really like sharing Chloe with anyone else, even a guy as decent as Jimmy.
"Chloe, how could I really mean what I said? You've got Jimmy-"
"Correction," she interjected, "I HAD Jimmy."
The mention of Jimmy's name took the steam of Chloe's anger right out of her. She remembered the anguish on his face when he realized he'd never really had her to begin with, and it ate at her. Jimmy deserved better. All of a sudden she didn't feel nearly as enraged anymore. Resignation, sadness and regret began to overpower her anger. Clark noticed Chloe's glare soften and he could see the pain she tried to mask behind her fury.
"What do you mean you HAD Jimmy?"
"He broke up with me this morning," she added in a softer tone before looking away to the floor.
Clark was perplexed. He couldn't possibly understand why Jimmy would want to leave someone as awesome as Chloe.
"He broke up with you? Is he crazy?"
"No, I don't think he's crazy," she laughed sadly, "Jimmy's just smarter than I gave him credit for."
"I don't understand…" Clark trailed off.
Chloe took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. There was no way she was going to cry in front of Clark Kent today. She was still too angry with him.
"When I decided to give you a free pass for what you did last night, Jimmy couldn't understand why. He got jealous and he asked me if I would pick him over you if I had the choice."
Clark felt terrible for inadvertently sabotaging her relationship with Jimmy with his antics. For Chloe's sake, Clark hoped that she had chosen Jimmy. But another, more selfish, part of him wanted to know that he was still number one in her life. Clark only hoped that when the selfish part of him went to hell, it didn't take the rest of him with it.
"What did you tell him?"
"I told Jimmy that he was my guy."
"And he didn't believe you?"
"Clark," she sighed, "I can't really blame him. I didn't even believe myself."
Chloe's admission stunned him. If what she said was true, what did that mean? Then it dawned on him. His previous assumptions about their relationship fell like dominoes.
"What about the kiss we had before I left to fight Zod? You really meant it, didn't you?"
Silence. Chloe couldn't even look up to meet his eyes, much less speak. She felt exposed. Everything she had done to preserve their friendship was unraveling. Her face was a mix of sadness and shame. Clark could tell from her silence and her expression that she had indeed meant that kiss. Her feelings for him had never really vanished. He felt like the biggest idiot alive. If he'd done something about it then, perhaps things would have turned out differently.
"When I got back from the Phantom Zone, why did you lie to me?"
Her eyes glistened with tears she refused to shed. She was tired of keeping up pretenses.
"For the same reason Jimmy left me! I lied because I wanted to save our friendship and spare myself the heartache. I refuse to be the default choice, Clark! Even though you think I'm a doormat when it comes to you, I still have my self-respect! And it's clear after what you did last night that you still love Lana."
Clark took one look at her and his heart sank. He'd never seen her look so broken before. All he wanted to do was take away her pain. But if Chloe wanted him, she deserved all of him. And he just didn't know if he could give that to her, especially with all his unresolved issues with Lana. He still loved Lana and he didn't deny that. Not to mention the monkey wrench Lois threw into the entire equation. Plus there was the fact that he didn't truly believe he was good enough for his best friend. He might have had all the superpowers, but in his mind Chloe was the one that displayed superhuman character. He doubted if he was capable of living up to the belief she wholeheartedly placed in him.
"Chloe," he apologized, "I never meant to hurt you."
He moved towards her as if to pull her into a hug, but she quickly backed away. Clark looked stricken. Chloe had never refused his comfort before, but now she was acting as if he had tried to assault her.
The truth was she just couldn't stand to be touched by him right now. The last thing she could afford was to fall victim to the comfort of his embraces. She'd already indulged in that vice for far too long and she reminded herself that nothing good would ever come of it. It wasn't fair to her or to Clark if she pretended that all she felt towards him was friendship. She couldn't stand the thought of feeling bitter towards him for not choosing her. Jimmy was right. She needed to move on from Clark if she wanted any chance of having a real life of her own. If she didn't move on, there was no future for her friendship with Clark.
But most of all, she also needed to stand up for herself.
"Clark," she said as calmly as she could, "I think it's best if we keep our relationship strictly professional from now on."
"Strictly professional? What in the hell are you trying to tell me Chloe?"
Chloe steeled her expression to remain neutral and impassive. She desperately needed to rely on her logic and ignore her emotions. It was the only way to do what was best for her sanity.
"I'm telling you that I'll help you in any way I can with the zoners or any other hero-related stuff. But we can't hang out anymore. It would just complicate things. It's not fair for either of us if we keep expecting things from each other that we can't provide."
It took a few seconds for him to process what Chloe was proposing. But once he comprehended the true meaning of her words, his mind filled with panic. He was in complete disbelief.
"Chloe, you can't be serious! You're my best friend!"
He sounded desperate and he knew it, but he didn't care. He couldn't afford to lose her. She meant too much to him. Most days, she was the one bright spot in his otherwise angst-ridden existence. She was the one person he completely trusted and relied on. The one person that truly made him laugh. He honestly didn't know what to do without her and he silently cursed himself for pushing her to this point.
"But you're more than a best friend to me Clark, and I don't think I can keep pretending that you're not."
"I need you," he pleaded, "please don't do this. You don't know how much you mean to me."
Chloe hesitated for a moment. She couldn't believe it had come to this. At Clark's desperate pleas, she could already feel her heart shattering. A huge part of her was urging her to stop what she was doing. She hated to leave him like this, but her instinct for self-preservation kicked in. Chloe had already put his interests ahead of hers for far too long. She couldn't keep Clark's words from last night or Jimmy's disheartened face from this morning out of her head. Chloe realized that she needed to go through with this before she lost her resolve.
"Clark, we both need to figure out our own issues apart from each other. I'm not saying that we can't be friends in the future. But for now, I need to learn how to exist without you."
Chloe stepped around him and started walking towards the door. Clark's world came crashing down around him. She was his rock. The one person he felt he couldn't live without was abandoning him. He couldn't just let her leave, and he could only think of one thing to do. Clark knew he was playing dirty, but he had no choice. He rushed to her side and grabbed her by the elbow, forcing her to look into his eyes.
"Chloe, I love you."
His words stopped her in her tracks. It was everything she'd ever wanted to hear from Clark, but she knew he didn't mean them in the way she wanted him to. He loved her as a friend and because he needed her. She could tell by looking into his eyes, and it only cemented her resolve. There was only one thing she could say in return.
"Then let me go."
Clark felt like he had the wind knocked out of him. Chloe was right. If he truly loved her and cared for her well being, he should let her do what she needed to do for herself. He had let Pete and Lana go for their own good. But why did he find it so much harder to let go of Chloe? Why was he so selfish when it came to her? Because he knew he'd be lost without her. But something inside of him told him that he needed to learn to find his own way, the same way that Chloe did.
He really did love her. Not in the romantic way he loved Lana, but in a different way that was deeper and more powerful. And in the end that's what convinced him to give her what she asked for.
He let go of her arm.
"You'll always mean the world to me Chloe. Don't ever forget that. I really hope you find what you're looking for."
At his words of affection, she gave him a loving smile.
"You'll always be my hero Clark."
With that, she turned away and walked through the door.
Clark stood alone on the rooftop. Hoping that one day, Chloe would fly back to him.
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