A/N: Gakuen Alice does not belong to me.

Hotaru's Guide to Making Money

~Shinigami's Lullaby~

Hotaru's Guide to Making Money

Introductions are a waste of time, and as such, I will not include one. To determine your aptitude for salesmanship, please answer the following multiple choice question:

You see Piyo and Ruka indulging in a hug on the Academy lawn. What do you do?

a. Call an emergency meeting of Natsume/Ruka fan club members

b. Whip out your trusty camera and snap pictures like your life depends on it

c. Run for Jinno-sensei: Students aren't supposed to use their Alices outside of class!

-oOo-

If you answered a:

Please return this book and find a copy of "How to be a Successful Fangirl - for Dummies". (Also published by Hotaru Imai, yours for one $5 initial payment and three interval payments of $2 each)

If you answered b:

Good. You aren't a total moron. Please advance to step one. (After proceeding to checkout and paying, of course. This step is not to be skipped.)

If you answered c:

You are a baka gun ($10 at your local Imai Mega store - $2 admission fee) worthy idiot. Nobody likes a tattle tail, including me. Go cry in a corner. Not here though, I don't have time to waste wiping up the tears of an idiot like you. Thank you for your patronage, please come back to shop with us at the Imai Mega store!

No time for idle chitchat. Time is money. To become a Hotaru-approved salesman/woman, please follow steps 1 through 10 to the best of your abilities.

-oOo-

Step One:
Be assertive. Many people will shut their door in your face as you attempt to sell Mikan doll version 1.0 (Still available, call your local Imai supplier at 1-800-moneymonster for details: prices may be subject to sudden and unexpected increases), however, a good salesman/woman sticks their foot into the door jam and continues their spiel about how "The Mikan doll is there for you to take out your frustrations, she comes complete with cowering, sobbing, and whining settings." If this is not effective, you may need to guilt-trip or threaten your customers. (Hotaru Imai is not in any way responsible for incidents that may occur as a result of this statement. You may, however hire an Imai Lawyer-bot to argue your case at court for the insignificant fee of $20 and hour.) Do intimidate your customers; hurling obscenities is usually the most effective strategy:

Mikan: "Just buy it! Trash?"

Natsume: "..."

Mikan: "Darn you? Heck? Umm… I don't know any other curse words. Is this enough Hotaru?"

Natsume: "...What the hell are you trying to pull? Moron."

-oOo-

Step Two:

Weave work into your everyday routine. For example, while talking to your friends, tell them about a "new and improved item, fresh out of the factory."

Hotaru: "Why hello, Nogi, fancy seeing you here."

Ruka: "Imai-san, why did you just jump out of the bushes? You know, that's kind of… well… stalkerish?"

Hotaru: "Never mind that…" (insert satanic smile) "Anyway, let's get down to business…"

Ruka: "B-b-business?" (backs up quickly)

Hotaru: "So, Nogi, have you ever wanted to clean your bed springs, but haven't wanted to lift that heavy mattress? Well I have just the item for you. Lever-boy will lif- dammit he got away! That's the fourth one today."

You'll be making millions off your friends before you know it!

-oOo-

Step Three:

The secret to good salesmanship is friendliness: what goes around comes around. Try to smile and make small talk with your customers before attempting to make a sale.

Hotaru: "So…Natsume…"

Natsume: "Tch."

Hotaru: "I'm talking to you, dumbass." (smacks Natsume)

Natsume: "What do you want, hag?"

Hotaru: "I'm trying to be friendly, see?" (attempts to smile…unfortunately, it looks more like a grimace)

Natsume: "Get lost, ugly."

See? There isn't anything like a customer & salesman/woman relationship!

-oOo-

Step Four:

Blackmail. Find out embarrassing things about your clients and threaten to expose them to the general public unless they agree to buy from you. Some targets are easier than others, Ruka, for example.

Hotaru: "Hey, Nogi, we keep running into each other. Isn't that strange."

Ruka: "Imai-san, you're really starting to creep me out, you did that weird bush thing again…"

Hotaru: "You're imagining things (lets get down to business). Anyway, have you seen Piyo lately?"

Ruka: *blushes*

Hotaru: "I'll take that as a yes then…So this is you?" *whips out a picture of Piyo hugging Ruka*, "I know members of your fan club would be more than happy to buy this off of me…"

Ruka: "I-I-Imai-san, how'd you g-get that! Give me that!" *blushes furiously*

Hotaru: "Only if you buy my super deluxe fan-sweeper, perfect for wip-"

Ruka: "Now! Here's your money, now hand over the picture!"

Hotaru: "I would be happy too, thank you for your purchase."

See? These are results. Follow these steps and maybe an idiot like you has a chance in the world.

-oOo-

Step 5:

Sell to carefree idiots; they won't know what hit them. One minute they're waltzing down the hallway singing show tunes, and all of a sudden you've roped them into buying your patented ear cream. First off, one can sell an idiot complete crap and they'll treasure it like a long lost relative. Second, you can sell items for outrageously expensive prices, and they'll fork over the dough like nobody's business. Finally, idiots are so happy, they make the whole transaction more enjoyable.

Hotaru: "Hello, Mikan."

Mikan: "Hotaru! You're finally talking to me! Eeeeeeh! So many things've happened! I've got sooo much to tell you!"

Hotaru: "Would you like to purchase some of my patented ear cream?"

Mikan: "Yes! A thousand times, yes! You're finally talking to me!" (starts sobbing, and pounces on friend)

Hotaru: "Back off, loser, you're a snotty mess!"

Foolproof. If you sell to an idiot, they'll never know they've been ripped off. If you don't then you're just a moron, moron.

-oOo-

Step 6:

Sell unique items. Wouldn't you prefer a robot that can personally clean your toenails over a Wii? Of course you would, who wouldn't? A customer is looking for something that they don't already have, which is why it is important to be a genius inventor like myself.

Mikan: "Natsume! How are you?"

Natsume: "…"

Mikan: "Did you not hear me? I asked how you were! So anyway, I'm selling a build your own toothpick- castle set, care to buy one? They're only $10."

Natsume: "Wipe that disgusting smile off your face, polka-dots. What the hell would I want with something like that?"

-oOo-

Hotaru: "….this strategy will work better on some than others. Natsume's just a moron." (She asked Ruka, Permy, Koko, Nonoko, Iinchou and Anna to buy similarly odd objects)

Ruka: "…ummm… Imai-san, you did that weird popping-out-of-a-bush thing AGAIN…"

Permy: "A pillow that bakes muffins? Sure I'd love one… NOT."

Koko: "I can tell you're extremely pissed cuz of what Permy and Natsume said, but I'm sorry, I can't, I'm totally broke…okay…okay…I get it, put the gun away. I'll go steal some money or something."

Nonoko: "Sure, you know, sometimes I feel ostracized because I have a strange Alice, but your inventions make me feel better because they remind me of myself, weirdness wise… what? Why are you walking away? Don't you want me to buy some? Did I do something? Hmmm… She must have an appointment or something…we all know how punctual she is…"

Iinchou: "Sure, I'd love to! Ummmm, what is it again?"

Anna: "Hmmm… Sure! I'd love to! This muffin pillow thingy will really come in …handy…" (mutters after Hotaru walks away) "What am I going to do with this? She just looked kind of depressed… And her wallet was looking smaller than usual too, so…"

-oOo-

Step 7:

Be beautiful. Nobody wants to buy from an ugly person. Ugliness is infectious, it tends to rub off on the product… Remember, the salesman/woman has quite a bit to do with the effect that a product has on their customers.

Hotaru: "Hello, Yuu."

Iinchou: "Hello?"

Hotaru: "So, Yuu, would you be interested in purchasing an extreme duck racing kit?"

Iinchou: "Hotaru, why are you blinking so much? Do you have something in your eye? Oh my gosh! Do you have allergies? That's horrible, your face is all flushed. Do you have hives? Ahh! This is terrible, I'll go get some ice! Hang on, I'll be right back!"

Hotaru: "…"

As you can see, I was able to seduce Iinchou with my feminine charms, a surefire way to make a sale.

-oOo-

Step 8:

Charge for all of your services. Nothing is free in life. Whether you're saving your idiot best friend Mikan, or chasing Nogi, everything comes with a cost. There is no such thing as free help: exploit to the best of your abilities…

Mikan: "Help, Hotaru! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Hotaru: "Get up yourself, idiot."

Mikan: "Pleeease?"

Hotaru: "Fine, grab onto the helper robot… this was designed for old people you dummy."

Mikan: "Thank you! Thank you! I'm saved!"

Hotaru: "You owe me $10."

Mikan: "What? (sigh) Oh fine, here you go…"

By exploiting your friends, you can make a pretty penny!

-oOo-

Step 9:

Know your product; avoid situations in which the customer knows more about the product and its possible uses than you. By learning about your goods, you will be able to impress your customer.

Mikan: "Natsume! Would you like to buy Hotaru's sea-walleye cooking oven?"

Natsume: "Get your facts right, moron."

Mikan: "Huh?"

Natsume: "Walleye fish live in fresh water; they're no such thing as a sea-walleye."

Mikan: "Have you been studying, Natsume?"

Natsume: "Uhhh. Of course not! Leave me alone, hag."

Mikan: "That's not an answer… were you? That's so cute!"

Natsume: "Piss off, moron."

Mikan is unable to stay ahead of her customer, which ruins the sale. Remember, don't be a Mikan, study hard!

-oOo-

Step 10:

The customer is always right. Even when they aren't, you have to agree with them. If you always argue with your customer, eventually they'll get fed up and take their business elsewhere. By always agreeing, the buyer will feel either slightly creeped out by your copying, or flattered, and will buy your product in mass quantities:

Hotaru: "Nogi, care to buy a cow thrasher?"

Ruka: "Imai-san, that kind of goes against my principles in life."

Hotaru: "Of course it does, so, would you like to?"

Ruka: "Imai-san, did you hear me?"

Hotaru: "Of course I did."

Ruka: "So shouldn't you be saying okay, and planning out how best to exploit someone else?"

Hotaru: "Of course."

Ruka: "Is that all you have to say?"

Hotaru: "Of course."

Ruka: "Aaaah, scary!" (runs away )

So there you have it, people: how to make money. Of course, the easiest way is to sell "_'s guide to _" for ridiculously expensive prices to idiots like you. Moron.

We appreciate your business, please visit Imai's mega store in the future for all of your invention needs.

the end.

A/N: Goodness this is old. I wrote it two years ago and cringed the entire time I edited it. It's still pretty awful, but I couldn't really change much else with completely deleting it. Which I can't do because I'm a nostalgic person. Anyway, there you have it. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. Edited August 8, 2010.

~ Shinigami's Lullaby~