I own none of this. Of course.
A note on names: You'll note my central character's name is not mentioned. This is a personal preference – I don't connect with other people's names for Revan, so rather than enforce mine on you, I'll leave it open.
I wanted to tell him. One year together, plus the time we spent searching for the Star Forge, and I never knowingly lied to him. But this… this was too much for him to bear. This was almost too much for me to bear. So I closed the door to our apartment resolutely behind me and I ran to the docking bays.
I held back the tears until hyperspace.
XXX
It was a cruel thing to do, I realised. I had taken the coward's way out by not explaining. Perhaps he would realise what I had to do. Perhaps he would think I had run away for a more mundane reason – another man, or unhappiness at my simple life. Perhaps he would think I had returned to the Jedi. Or perhaps he lay awake every night wondering where I was, hoping against all reason that one day I would return.
Time had lost all meaning for me by then. Perhaps he was long dead. I could no longer see or feel any of my friends, and it physically hurt me to try. I didn't think distance mattered to the Force, but in the dark regions of space where I walked the Force was a strange and twisted thing.
I thought a lot about better days.
XXX
Fireworks exploded over the Rakatan Temple. Earlier in the day the Republic pilots had organised a fly-by in their fighters, but now the skies were dark and the pilots were gathered around the fires. Music played, laughter rang out, raised voices and shouts of happiness.
I was torn between relief and pain. Finally, Malak was destroyed, the Star Forge reduced to orbiting dust, my mission complete. But the price had been too high.
Bastila…
Her absence gaped like a wound in my side. I had always known her. She had always been part of me. After all, I had been born when Revan died. Bastila was my mother, sister and friend all rolled into one being. And she had fallen to the dark side, and I had killed her. I replayed that conversation over and over in my head, wondering if there was anything I could have done. Everybody can be redeemed, they say, but there was no time!
Her things were still packed in a footlocker in our dormitory. Neither Juhani, Mission nor I had had the heart to move them just yet.
But we had won. The Republic was saved. And I had a new life to look forward to.
'Come on already!' called Mission in the doorway. She wore simple clothes, pale brown leggings and a black jacket she had found somewhere. I had grown used to the sight of her in armour, and was surprised how young she seemed to me now. But as always her enthusiasm was infectious. She grabbed my hand and spun me round.
'Where did you find those clothes?' she exclaimed.
The white skirt was from the robes I had found on the Star Forge. The bodice had been too damaged to wear again. The grey jacket I wore had been in the cargo bay of the Hawk. It was tight and, I noticed as I looked down, hugged my figure rather fetchingly. I pulled the zip up modestly.
'Oh no you don't,' grinned Mission, tugging it back down. 'Carth's going to love that.'
I blushed.
XXX
Admiral Dodonna stood by a fire a short distance from us with a few of her senior officers. They all seemed to be quizzing Carth carefully. Every so often one of them would glance at me. That stung a little, but I knew I couldn't reasonably ask them to accept me quickly.
As soon as Carth broke away from the group I walked away from my friends to intercept him, before we got caught in a conversation we couldn't politely leave. I caught his arm and we smiled at each other. He knew what I meant.
'Sure you want to leave the party this soon?' he asked.
'We can come back later, if you like.'
'No way, beautiful.'
XXX
It hurt to remember more, but I did. I remembered the beach, the lap of waves on the shore, the tiny tent he'd found from somewhere, the campfire.
My vision blurred. Now was not the time. I watched the Sith pacing before me, and I calmed myself inside. Soon… I could sense it would be soon.