Disclaimer: This is not mine.
A/N: No beta, constructive criticism welcome. The song the lyrics come from are Sway by Voxtrot. It's a beautiful song.
Summary: After Mary died all John dreamed about ...
Dream
And I dreamed you were there - All the vital signs were standing - When I dreamed you were with me - With the summer at my back
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After Mary died all John dreamed about was fire. Of a house burning to ashes as he stood outside and was held back by hands that wouldn't let him go. In his dreams he was alone; Dean and Sammy left inside with Mary and he would stand outside of his home as his whole meaning was turned into nothing. He'd wake up and stand over his boys, his hands hovering over their stomachs so he could feel them rise and fall.
For months he would dream and wake up certain that everything he ever loved was burnt to ash and made into markers over empty graves.
--
After the hunt started he stopped. He was so full of energy, of conviction that he would catch the son of a bitch that took his wife, his son's mother, his everything that all he had room for was the hunt. He dreamed of black dogs, of women in white, of hunting things that there was no room for fire anymore.
He grieved still, cause he didn't think he could ever not grieve but it wasn't an all consuming everything now. It was a mission, a purpose, it was his reason.
--
After years had gone by he dreamed of Mary. Of how she had been when he met her. Her hair shining in the sun, her smile, her hands, but never her full face. He had pictures, precious few that were saved in the aftermath so he couldn't forget but in his dreams she was only quick glances from under hair as she danced further and further away from him.
He would wake up and stare at his oldest son. Stare at the mixture of Mary-John and tell himself that wishes were pointless when he knew that wishes never came true.
--
After he left Dean, because Dean would never leave him for good after Sammy was gone, he dreamed of nothing. Of a never ending black that he tried to find the end of. In his dream he knew that if he could just reach the end he'd find everything. Mary, his boys, all the wishes he never let himself make. The black was full of things that hunted him now and he had to fight against things he couldn't see and he never made it.
He would wake up sore and ready to fight. Convinced that just around the corner he'd find the demon and everything would be over.
--
After Jim died he dreamed of dying. Of being ripped into by any number of things. Of being killed by the things he hunted, and by people. He dreamed of being run over, of being shot. Of being mauled, or being eaten.
He would wake up every morning and stand in the bathroom checking for scars he didn't have. Remembering what it was like to be eaten alive, to be burned, to be shot, to be dead. He would stand over his boys with his hand on his stomach and count his breaths. He would wake up and feel how he imagined ghosts felt. Angry and confused and full of want for things he had no name for.
He would remind himself not to make wishes because they never come true.
(end)