Title: Choosing Irreversibility
Author: Annie
Genre: Romance and Drama, I guess.
Summary: Things will never be the same again... and for all the wrong reasons.
Timeline: Completely AU from the minute Danny is shot.
Distribution: Anywhere you want, and it'll be up on Cover Me as soon as I get aroudn to it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing from Alias, and any references to products or anything else, I wown nothing of that either. In fact, pretty much the only I own is nothing.
Author's Note: An idea that popped into my head, I decided to follow up on it. It can be a stand alone, or I can make into a series, please tell me what you think. I went for second person POV again, because I was quite happy with how the epilogue for Shaant went and I decided to try that formula again. Having said that, this story is really different from Shaant, so if you think its good enough to continue, please do tell me. Also, I have an idea for a post-Telling fic, but I'm wondering if anyone will actually want to read yet another one. Plus, there are so many good ones.... I dunno. Just tell me. I'll go solely on your feedback. Thanks, and please review!
********************
You had walked in to find him in the bathtub, surrounded by blood. He'd been foolish enough to leave a message on your answering machine-- despite how much you warned him. It didn't matter that the message was so sweet or that he had forgiven you for your lies, because it had nearly got him killed. Instead, he lies here, after 14 hours of surgery, finally out of the woods, in a CIA hospital.
And the only reason he is here, safe and alive, is because of a man you never thought you'd have help you. Your father. He'd shown up at your apartment, holding tickets. About seven hours into Danny's surgery, you had realized that the tickets were for you and Danny, under aliases to travel to Singapore. But he'd been nearly too late, and walked in to find you, his shell shocked daughter, rocking back and forth, Danny's blood spilling on to your clothes. If not for him, you would have never moved from that position, and Danny would never been protected in this hospital.
The minute he realized that Sloane's men hadn't finished their job, your father urged you to take him to a hospital but you refused since the only hospitals you knew were run by SD-6. It was then that he brought out that ball point pen, and activated almost twenty times in a row so he could tell you the complicated truth. That you didn't work for the CIA, but that if he had anything to with it, you would by the end of the day. Danny would be safe, under the CIA's witness protection program, and you would join Jack Bristow as a second double agent inside of SD-6. For the second time that night, a relationship with one of the main men in your life was irreversibly changed-- for the better.
You never understood who your father was, and you never really cared to. Once you realized that no matter how many attempts you made to make him proud, he wouldn't be the warm man he had been before your mother's death. You made yourself think that he didn't deserve to have you care about him, you had given up. But the efforts he has put in the last twenty-four hours, the care he has shown for both your and Danny's lives makes you wonder if you were simply a resentful child who saw a snowman instead of a man trapped by ice.
Your father has been your brain this night. Usually, you pride yourself on your smarts, or your ability to take care of yourself. But this night is different. After finding out the truth about Sloane and SD-6, you were so shell shocked, that your father had to get Danny to the hospital on his own. He arranged for the witness protection program, and convinced you of the importance of seeing Sloane. You didn't ever want to see that man again, let alone tonight, but your father made you realize that if Danny had died-- which you needed Sloane to believe-- and if you were still oblivious to the truth about SD-6, then you would have confronted him.
You have just returned to the hospital after your confrontation. You don't think you've ever felt more drained, more weary than you do at the moment. You're all alone in the waiting room since your father went to CIA headquarters to arrange for your new status. He told you that you wouldn't alone for long. Your case officer, your "handler" who would give your contermissions for SD-6, would arrive soon, probably followed by the director himself.
It is that idea of taking SD-6 down, of taking Arvin Sloane down without him even knowing until it is too late, that fuels your every move now. But slowly, you feel that fuel isn't enough, that energy, will and want would help.
***********************
You know something is wrong the minute you lay eyes on him. Actually, wrong is not the word. Something is different, but different in a way it shouldn't be. It's not neccesarily bad, the change or feeling or whatever you get when you see him, but you know you haven't ever felt it before and you get the nagging feeling that you're definitely not supposed to feel it now.
Not when your ex-fiance, whom you still love and nearly got killed, is lying in a hospital, about to have his life destroyed and rebuilt the minute he wakes.
You wonder why Danny suddenly pops into your head, but you don't let yourself think of it. Instead you look at this man, and even in the split second before you make eye contact, you know he's there for you. He is beautiful, all golden and brown, like a sullen angel, out of place in such a sombre area and mood. Everything about him seems muted-- his skin, instead of shining, looks clammy, and his gray suit doesn't do anything to brighten him. The only thing that shows you what he truly looks like-- out of situations like this-- is the shining green you see when he looks at you. You briefly muse that you didn't even know a green like that existed, but your thoughts vanish and he begins to walk over to you.
Of all the changes in Danny's, your and even your father's lives, somehow, this moment with the golden man approaching you, feels the most profound.
Things are changing, you realize. And not the way they are supposed to.
He sits down, and seems nervous. You are leaning forward, looking back at him, and he brings himself to your eye level by resting his elbows on his knees. He turns his head to look at you.
"Your father--" he begins, but the green shines and he quiets. He seems to be searching for the right ones.
You think that any word he says will be correct. You're scared that you just thought that.
"I'll be your CIA--" he begins again. He stops short, and looks at you, before turning away. You hope he realizes that he can take his time figuring out what to say. You can't imagine what you would say if circumstances were reversed.
You briefly wonder that if circumstances were really reversed, if he would feel like this too. You catch yourself, and wonder exactly what he would "feel" and what you are "feeling". Danny, you remind yourself. Silently you wonder if a life alone is really the way to repay him.
"I'm Mic--" he stops again, sighs and runs a hand through the dirty blond, brown hair on his head. He's breathing deeply enough for you to hear, and you wonder why you're noticing his breathing patterns. Finally he stares you straight in the eye. "If there's anything you need. I'm here."
Before you know it, your face contorts uncontrollably, and for the first time since you left your apartment, since you found out the truth, since you confronted Sloane, since you got your new life, you start to cry. You cry looking at him first. He looks startled but quickly recovers. You bury your face in your hands, and before you realize it, you're speaking.
"I don't know what I need," you sob. Suddenly you feel a hand on your back, touch light and intimate. You gaze up at green, and wonder what he will say. He sticks his other hand out.
"I'm Michael Vaughn," he says. You shake it, as your tears subside. That's what you need, you think. A Michael Vaughn. A golden angel.
You forget to catch yourself on that thought. You realize that he has successfully gotten you to stop crying by diverting your attention, and you manage to smile.
"Sydney Bristow," you say, and he nods, if only to humor you. "If I hadn't been so stupid, it could have been Sydney Hecht." But as soon as you say that, you realize aside from a natural want to have a family and be loved, you have no reason to want to be with a man who had no idea who you were.
Green eyed, golden man-- Michael Vaughn-- looks at you straight in the eye. You decide you like the way he does that.
"If you hadn't been so stupid, I wouldn't be introducing myself as your case officer," he says. He is saying relatively obvious words, but they carry meaning. You know the truth now, and the golden man-- Vaughn, since his full name seems to be too hard-- has shown you that wherever you were a day ago, couldn't be worse than this. Because a day ago you were lies, and now despite it all, you are truth. You nod. He waits for you to say something but when you don't he continues. "There'll never be a Sydney Hecht."
He's trying to see whether you understand the full consequences of Danny going into WPP, and the way he says it makes you feel forty times better than if he had come right out and asked you.
"There should have never been a Sydney Hecht. Sydney Hecht would have been a liar, and the truth has led us here-- Sydney Hecht never will exist, never has existed and never should exist," you say. It's the most you've said at one shot since you found Danny in the tub to anyone, even Sloane.
"But there is a Sydney Bristow. And the time for her truth has come," he says. You look at him and nod. He will be, along with your father, your sole companion, and somehow, you know already that even though he will live in a life worlds away from yours, and barely ever see you, he will understand.
You catch yourself, wondering why your thoughts are not on Danny, but instead on the connection you feel to this man. Why you aren't fretting about losing your fiance, but instead are noticing how this man-- this Vaughn-- seems to shine next to you. You speak meekly, deciding to divulge half truths.
"Sydney Bristow is scared of why she isn't scared of those truths. Why she isn't scared that Sydney Hecht will never exist," you reply. Talking in third person feels vaguely odd, but it helps you control your emotions, detach yourself from your misery.
"Because you realize that the truth will only set you free. And that Sydney Hecht would have been just another cage," he replies, speaking directly to you. Just when you begin to seperate yourself from those emotions, he bring them back. He looks at you, and that strong gaze is the only source of energy you have. You nod.
You had been right when you thought all you needed was a Michael Vaughn. But this time you catch yourself on the thought. A little while ago, didn't you need a Danny Hecht?
But as soon as you ask that, you know its not true. You never needed Danny, or at least he never filled a need of yours. He was there, understanding the simple part of your life, the untruthful part of your life. You never depended on him for anything other than fun, other than ease, other than companionship, and you realize perhaps love is out of the question, because love includes need. You never needed Danny to do anything for you.
Not like the way you need Vaughn to comfort you, to calm you. You catch youself again (for the umpteenth time) and then wonder how many times you'll catch yourself, before these thoughts go unnoticed.
Things are changing, and though you feel better, you don't think they are changing the way they are supposed to.
When he speaks again, it is in a quiet, almost respectful tone. His voice is flowing, calming, melodic but subtle. He once again looks you straight in the eye. "Sometimes we're just not meant to see the good in things until after they've passed." Your throat goes dry for a moment because he's stolen the words you've longed to say and believe for the past day. And by saying them, he has let you believe them. You nod, barely keeping your jaw from hanging.
Secretly you realize that as much as you will miss him, Danny is better in the WPP. He will no longer have a lying fiancee with poor excuses, and his life will not be in constant danger. You will not constantly have to worry about never telling him the truth, or wonder whether one day you'll have to lie about why you can't have a child.
It depresses you that this man you've loved for so long, who has been a constant for so long, will no longer exist. It hurts that you are the reason that Danny has to go into witness protection in the first place, but you have the truth, and you can't bring youself to want to exchange it for anything else.
Most of all you feel guilty, that what this man next to you has said is not true. Maybe Danny is still struggling to see the good in what has happened, but the minute Vaughn said those words, you found the good in this. And it makes you feel guilty that you find an upside to the horrific events of the past twenty four hours.
You wonder how broken and lost you look in that moment, because this stranger once again makes physical contact with you, by reaching over and taking your hand. His hand is cool and warm at once, and you feel so much better. A chiding voice in your head says that simple touch cannot make a person feel better, and that if it did, it should have been Danny's touch.
But here is a man, who knows your life in its decietful, sinful, horrible entirety and is still comforting you. Here is a man who has said nothing but the right words-- or at least done nothing but turn mere words into exactly what you need to hear, and who somehow, without explanation, understands that its okay to hold your hand.
Your father and the CIA have sent you an angel, you think. You know Danny lies in the next room, but for some reason, it doesn't matter anymore. You still care for him, yes, but you know he can never be a part of your life again and so you've resigned yourself to moving on. He never was really a part of your real life in the first place.
Or at least, that's what you tell yourself. You pray that it has nothing to do with the man offering wordless comfort through his mere presence.
He gives you a small, reassuring smile and you are suprised because inside you are comforted by it. You weren't comforted by Danny's forgiveness, you weren't comforted by the glint of fear in Sloane's eye, you weren't comforted by the utter confidence your father spoke with when talking about bringing down SD-6, but the golden man has comforted you without a word.
Yet again you realize it. Things are changing.
You know they are supposed to-- Danny is no longer your fiance, you no longer work solely and blindly for SD-6, you are no longer estranged from your father. Danny will no longer exist, and you will have to hide all the guilt on top of forgetting the husband you nearly had.
But you're scared. Because the longer you hold on to this man's beautiful, golden hand, the more you begin to to believe, the more you begin to forget. You worry, because you're losing your fiance but you have no desire to pull your hand out of another man's. You worry, because Danny is leaving you forever, and you're feeling an innate connection with someone you just met. You worry, because of all the words that have been said, a simple smile has you believing that you will be okay. You worry, because you know your hopes are being raised, and you are so afraid of having them dashed to the ground, but at the same time you can't doubt this man's faith. You worry, because so far, all you know is that he is your CIA liason, your "handler", and his name.
You worry, because things are changing. And not the way you thought they would. But perhaps exactly the way they should.
You worry, because as you gaze at this man, and as he gazes back, as you think of how beautiful he is, you pray to any power that can grant wishes, that this is the way things are supposed to change.
Author: Annie
Genre: Romance and Drama, I guess.
Summary: Things will never be the same again... and for all the wrong reasons.
Timeline: Completely AU from the minute Danny is shot.
Distribution: Anywhere you want, and it'll be up on Cover Me as soon as I get aroudn to it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing from Alias, and any references to products or anything else, I wown nothing of that either. In fact, pretty much the only I own is nothing.
Author's Note: An idea that popped into my head, I decided to follow up on it. It can be a stand alone, or I can make into a series, please tell me what you think. I went for second person POV again, because I was quite happy with how the epilogue for Shaant went and I decided to try that formula again. Having said that, this story is really different from Shaant, so if you think its good enough to continue, please do tell me. Also, I have an idea for a post-Telling fic, but I'm wondering if anyone will actually want to read yet another one. Plus, there are so many good ones.... I dunno. Just tell me. I'll go solely on your feedback. Thanks, and please review!
********************
You had walked in to find him in the bathtub, surrounded by blood. He'd been foolish enough to leave a message on your answering machine-- despite how much you warned him. It didn't matter that the message was so sweet or that he had forgiven you for your lies, because it had nearly got him killed. Instead, he lies here, after 14 hours of surgery, finally out of the woods, in a CIA hospital.
And the only reason he is here, safe and alive, is because of a man you never thought you'd have help you. Your father. He'd shown up at your apartment, holding tickets. About seven hours into Danny's surgery, you had realized that the tickets were for you and Danny, under aliases to travel to Singapore. But he'd been nearly too late, and walked in to find you, his shell shocked daughter, rocking back and forth, Danny's blood spilling on to your clothes. If not for him, you would have never moved from that position, and Danny would never been protected in this hospital.
The minute he realized that Sloane's men hadn't finished their job, your father urged you to take him to a hospital but you refused since the only hospitals you knew were run by SD-6. It was then that he brought out that ball point pen, and activated almost twenty times in a row so he could tell you the complicated truth. That you didn't work for the CIA, but that if he had anything to with it, you would by the end of the day. Danny would be safe, under the CIA's witness protection program, and you would join Jack Bristow as a second double agent inside of SD-6. For the second time that night, a relationship with one of the main men in your life was irreversibly changed-- for the better.
You never understood who your father was, and you never really cared to. Once you realized that no matter how many attempts you made to make him proud, he wouldn't be the warm man he had been before your mother's death. You made yourself think that he didn't deserve to have you care about him, you had given up. But the efforts he has put in the last twenty-four hours, the care he has shown for both your and Danny's lives makes you wonder if you were simply a resentful child who saw a snowman instead of a man trapped by ice.
Your father has been your brain this night. Usually, you pride yourself on your smarts, or your ability to take care of yourself. But this night is different. After finding out the truth about Sloane and SD-6, you were so shell shocked, that your father had to get Danny to the hospital on his own. He arranged for the witness protection program, and convinced you of the importance of seeing Sloane. You didn't ever want to see that man again, let alone tonight, but your father made you realize that if Danny had died-- which you needed Sloane to believe-- and if you were still oblivious to the truth about SD-6, then you would have confronted him.
You have just returned to the hospital after your confrontation. You don't think you've ever felt more drained, more weary than you do at the moment. You're all alone in the waiting room since your father went to CIA headquarters to arrange for your new status. He told you that you wouldn't alone for long. Your case officer, your "handler" who would give your contermissions for SD-6, would arrive soon, probably followed by the director himself.
It is that idea of taking SD-6 down, of taking Arvin Sloane down without him even knowing until it is too late, that fuels your every move now. But slowly, you feel that fuel isn't enough, that energy, will and want would help.
***********************
You know something is wrong the minute you lay eyes on him. Actually, wrong is not the word. Something is different, but different in a way it shouldn't be. It's not neccesarily bad, the change or feeling or whatever you get when you see him, but you know you haven't ever felt it before and you get the nagging feeling that you're definitely not supposed to feel it now.
Not when your ex-fiance, whom you still love and nearly got killed, is lying in a hospital, about to have his life destroyed and rebuilt the minute he wakes.
You wonder why Danny suddenly pops into your head, but you don't let yourself think of it. Instead you look at this man, and even in the split second before you make eye contact, you know he's there for you. He is beautiful, all golden and brown, like a sullen angel, out of place in such a sombre area and mood. Everything about him seems muted-- his skin, instead of shining, looks clammy, and his gray suit doesn't do anything to brighten him. The only thing that shows you what he truly looks like-- out of situations like this-- is the shining green you see when he looks at you. You briefly muse that you didn't even know a green like that existed, but your thoughts vanish and he begins to walk over to you.
Of all the changes in Danny's, your and even your father's lives, somehow, this moment with the golden man approaching you, feels the most profound.
Things are changing, you realize. And not the way they are supposed to.
He sits down, and seems nervous. You are leaning forward, looking back at him, and he brings himself to your eye level by resting his elbows on his knees. He turns his head to look at you.
"Your father--" he begins, but the green shines and he quiets. He seems to be searching for the right ones.
You think that any word he says will be correct. You're scared that you just thought that.
"I'll be your CIA--" he begins again. He stops short, and looks at you, before turning away. You hope he realizes that he can take his time figuring out what to say. You can't imagine what you would say if circumstances were reversed.
You briefly wonder that if circumstances were really reversed, if he would feel like this too. You catch yourself, and wonder exactly what he would "feel" and what you are "feeling". Danny, you remind yourself. Silently you wonder if a life alone is really the way to repay him.
"I'm Mic--" he stops again, sighs and runs a hand through the dirty blond, brown hair on his head. He's breathing deeply enough for you to hear, and you wonder why you're noticing his breathing patterns. Finally he stares you straight in the eye. "If there's anything you need. I'm here."
Before you know it, your face contorts uncontrollably, and for the first time since you left your apartment, since you found out the truth, since you confronted Sloane, since you got your new life, you start to cry. You cry looking at him first. He looks startled but quickly recovers. You bury your face in your hands, and before you realize it, you're speaking.
"I don't know what I need," you sob. Suddenly you feel a hand on your back, touch light and intimate. You gaze up at green, and wonder what he will say. He sticks his other hand out.
"I'm Michael Vaughn," he says. You shake it, as your tears subside. That's what you need, you think. A Michael Vaughn. A golden angel.
You forget to catch yourself on that thought. You realize that he has successfully gotten you to stop crying by diverting your attention, and you manage to smile.
"Sydney Bristow," you say, and he nods, if only to humor you. "If I hadn't been so stupid, it could have been Sydney Hecht." But as soon as you say that, you realize aside from a natural want to have a family and be loved, you have no reason to want to be with a man who had no idea who you were.
Green eyed, golden man-- Michael Vaughn-- looks at you straight in the eye. You decide you like the way he does that.
"If you hadn't been so stupid, I wouldn't be introducing myself as your case officer," he says. He is saying relatively obvious words, but they carry meaning. You know the truth now, and the golden man-- Vaughn, since his full name seems to be too hard-- has shown you that wherever you were a day ago, couldn't be worse than this. Because a day ago you were lies, and now despite it all, you are truth. You nod. He waits for you to say something but when you don't he continues. "There'll never be a Sydney Hecht."
He's trying to see whether you understand the full consequences of Danny going into WPP, and the way he says it makes you feel forty times better than if he had come right out and asked you.
"There should have never been a Sydney Hecht. Sydney Hecht would have been a liar, and the truth has led us here-- Sydney Hecht never will exist, never has existed and never should exist," you say. It's the most you've said at one shot since you found Danny in the tub to anyone, even Sloane.
"But there is a Sydney Bristow. And the time for her truth has come," he says. You look at him and nod. He will be, along with your father, your sole companion, and somehow, you know already that even though he will live in a life worlds away from yours, and barely ever see you, he will understand.
You catch yourself, wondering why your thoughts are not on Danny, but instead on the connection you feel to this man. Why you aren't fretting about losing your fiance, but instead are noticing how this man-- this Vaughn-- seems to shine next to you. You speak meekly, deciding to divulge half truths.
"Sydney Bristow is scared of why she isn't scared of those truths. Why she isn't scared that Sydney Hecht will never exist," you reply. Talking in third person feels vaguely odd, but it helps you control your emotions, detach yourself from your misery.
"Because you realize that the truth will only set you free. And that Sydney Hecht would have been just another cage," he replies, speaking directly to you. Just when you begin to seperate yourself from those emotions, he bring them back. He looks at you, and that strong gaze is the only source of energy you have. You nod.
You had been right when you thought all you needed was a Michael Vaughn. But this time you catch yourself on the thought. A little while ago, didn't you need a Danny Hecht?
But as soon as you ask that, you know its not true. You never needed Danny, or at least he never filled a need of yours. He was there, understanding the simple part of your life, the untruthful part of your life. You never depended on him for anything other than fun, other than ease, other than companionship, and you realize perhaps love is out of the question, because love includes need. You never needed Danny to do anything for you.
Not like the way you need Vaughn to comfort you, to calm you. You catch youself again (for the umpteenth time) and then wonder how many times you'll catch yourself, before these thoughts go unnoticed.
Things are changing, and though you feel better, you don't think they are changing the way they are supposed to.
When he speaks again, it is in a quiet, almost respectful tone. His voice is flowing, calming, melodic but subtle. He once again looks you straight in the eye. "Sometimes we're just not meant to see the good in things until after they've passed." Your throat goes dry for a moment because he's stolen the words you've longed to say and believe for the past day. And by saying them, he has let you believe them. You nod, barely keeping your jaw from hanging.
Secretly you realize that as much as you will miss him, Danny is better in the WPP. He will no longer have a lying fiancee with poor excuses, and his life will not be in constant danger. You will not constantly have to worry about never telling him the truth, or wonder whether one day you'll have to lie about why you can't have a child.
It depresses you that this man you've loved for so long, who has been a constant for so long, will no longer exist. It hurts that you are the reason that Danny has to go into witness protection in the first place, but you have the truth, and you can't bring youself to want to exchange it for anything else.
Most of all you feel guilty, that what this man next to you has said is not true. Maybe Danny is still struggling to see the good in what has happened, but the minute Vaughn said those words, you found the good in this. And it makes you feel guilty that you find an upside to the horrific events of the past twenty four hours.
You wonder how broken and lost you look in that moment, because this stranger once again makes physical contact with you, by reaching over and taking your hand. His hand is cool and warm at once, and you feel so much better. A chiding voice in your head says that simple touch cannot make a person feel better, and that if it did, it should have been Danny's touch.
But here is a man, who knows your life in its decietful, sinful, horrible entirety and is still comforting you. Here is a man who has said nothing but the right words-- or at least done nothing but turn mere words into exactly what you need to hear, and who somehow, without explanation, understands that its okay to hold your hand.
Your father and the CIA have sent you an angel, you think. You know Danny lies in the next room, but for some reason, it doesn't matter anymore. You still care for him, yes, but you know he can never be a part of your life again and so you've resigned yourself to moving on. He never was really a part of your real life in the first place.
Or at least, that's what you tell yourself. You pray that it has nothing to do with the man offering wordless comfort through his mere presence.
He gives you a small, reassuring smile and you are suprised because inside you are comforted by it. You weren't comforted by Danny's forgiveness, you weren't comforted by the glint of fear in Sloane's eye, you weren't comforted by the utter confidence your father spoke with when talking about bringing down SD-6, but the golden man has comforted you without a word.
Yet again you realize it. Things are changing.
You know they are supposed to-- Danny is no longer your fiance, you no longer work solely and blindly for SD-6, you are no longer estranged from your father. Danny will no longer exist, and you will have to hide all the guilt on top of forgetting the husband you nearly had.
But you're scared. Because the longer you hold on to this man's beautiful, golden hand, the more you begin to to believe, the more you begin to forget. You worry, because you're losing your fiance but you have no desire to pull your hand out of another man's. You worry, because Danny is leaving you forever, and you're feeling an innate connection with someone you just met. You worry, because of all the words that have been said, a simple smile has you believing that you will be okay. You worry, because you know your hopes are being raised, and you are so afraid of having them dashed to the ground, but at the same time you can't doubt this man's faith. You worry, because so far, all you know is that he is your CIA liason, your "handler", and his name.
You worry, because things are changing. And not the way you thought they would. But perhaps exactly the way they should.
You worry, because as you gaze at this man, and as he gazes back, as you think of how beautiful he is, you pray to any power that can grant wishes, that this is the way things are supposed to change.