I start at the beginning, with my childhood. I remember curling up with my mother on her bed, planting a kiss on her round stomach which was my sister's home, at the time. Hunting with my father, when I got older. Back then I knew about The Games, but they were so far away in my five year old mind that they weren't even a concern. Taking care of Prim after my father was killed in the mines. It was hard work, but she made me happy. Then there's Peeta and the bread, Rue taking care of me while I slept in the arena, Haymitch trying his hardest to keep me alive. I'm making a list of every good thing that's ever happened to me, and every act of kindness that I've ever seen. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe they actually happened. I think about all the things I have now: my little home in what used to be District 12, my husband, my two children. There was a time when they brought me such comfort. Peeta, Rose, and Oisin used to ease my fear that someday this little patch of paradise would be torn out of my life. They can't do that anymore.
I don't know what time it is, but it feels like I've been lying here for hours, just staring at the ceiling. Peeta is beside me, wrapped up in blankets and breathing steadily with a smile on his face. He fell asleep holding onto me, but I wriggled out of his grasp. I don't deserve his warmth. The children as asleep too, in their rooms across the hall. I checked on them earlier, but only because I was feeling restless. I don't deserve them either.
I'm careful not to wake Peeta as I move to get up. The floorboards are cold on my bare feet, but I'm used to that. Quietly, I walk into the adjoining bathroom, turn on the light, and peer into the mirror. My appearance surprises me. There are fine lines around my eyes and mouth, and my dark hair is thinner than I remember. This is an old woman staring back at me, certainly not a victor. She's not even a wife. She's not a mother either. I turn on the faucet and splash some cold water onto my face. I towel off, and when I look up again I see a face in the mirror behind me. Peeta. He slips his arms around my waist and kisses my neck. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah, fine." I reply. I fake a smile, but don't turn around and return the affection as I'm sure he would want me to. "I was just getting up, getting ready to go out on a hunt."
The Peeta in the mirror frowns and rests his chin on my shoulder. "It's a little early, isn't it? Why don't you come back to bed and rest for a few more hours? Or better yet, why don't we just stay in bed? We have enough food to last us a couple more days, and you deserve it."
"I just have to go." I break free of him and return to our bedroom, where I go to my dresser. I pull the nightgown off over my head and dress in my usual clothes: tan pants, a dark colored shirt, and my favorite jacket. It feels right, to be dressed in this garb. I'm comfortable in it. Peeta's still in the doorway, watching me. I don't have to look at his face to know he's disappointed. Deep down he knows that we'll never be a normal family, and he's made his peace with it. But he still wishes that we could have that domestic fairytale life. Sometimes I wonder if, when he lies awake in bed, he dreams of a world where husbands go to work and wives cook and take care of children. Maybe, if I'd never entered The Games, we could have had a life like that.
"You don't have to do this, you know." He's still standing there, staring at me. "You've been really cut off lately. You don't talk to me much, and Rose and Oisin have been missing you." He steps forward, and takes my hand in his. "You can talk to me, you know. Whatever's on your mind- I'm here."
"I know." I flash him the same forced smile I gave him earlier, and lean in to kiss the corner of his mouth. "It's just a hunt, Peeta. To clear my head. I'll be back soon."
"Okay," he says, and pulls me in for another kiss- the last one we'll ever share. My lips still tingle as I pull away from him, slowly, making the moment last. This is how I'll remember him: the man who saved me. Peeta smiles at me as I turn and walk out the door. "I love you," he calls. I don't say it back.
I say goodbye to Rose and Oisin and head out into the woods, alone. I duck under the fence that separates District 12 from the rest of the world, just as I've done a thousand times before. By sunrise, I'm miles away from my home. In my head, I begin The List again, only this time it doesn't consist of acts of kindness. It's the complete inventory of everything that I don't deserve.
Everything that I'm walking away from.