She waited until the others had left before she rose and approached Cragen's office. She felt almost guilty for coming to him with this matter. Sure, the captain was always there for his people, but her situation was not something that most officers would speak to their CO's about.
But then again, how many precinct commanders are in my shoes?
"Captain? Can I speak to you, for a minute?" Her voice was barely audible to him.
"Of course, Olivia," he said, obviously concerned. He waited until she had closed the door and sat down opposite him. "How can I help you?"
Sighing, she arrived at the point immediately. "How...how did you and your wife live without children?"
With a look of comprehension and compassion, Cragen replied, "Well, we took much pleasure in our relationship. And of course, we enjoyed our respective careers, which allowed us, in different ways, to assist others."
She silently considered his words, and then said thoughtfully: "But it's this job that costs me in both the marriage and children department."
"Olivia, if you were to marry someone who didn't understand your desire to devote as much time as you do, you'd lose your marriage," he explained simply. "And if you had children, there would be custody, visitation, and support issues to deal with."
After another thought-filled pause, she heard herself blurt: "I can't even adopt…" She couldn't complete the sentence.
"If your work is an obstacle, Olivia, you can always resign…" he began gently…
"So you're saying it's my fault?!" She immediately put a hand over her mouth, ashamed and startled by her sharp response. "I'm sorry, Captain," she quickly apologized.
"First, apology accepted," he said, recovering from her harsh words. "Second, I'm not saying it's your fault; I'm saying it's your choice. If you're willing to make some career changes, whether it's transferring to a desk job---"
Olivia shook her head immediately.
"Well, then, obviously quitting the force is not an option, either," he concluded. "So that leaves you with only one solution: keep doing what you do best. And Olivia, you are one of the best officers I've had the pleasure of working with as captain. You have a knack with victims just can't be learned. Trust me, you've made a difference in more men, women, and children that you could ever hope to birth or adopt."
He was right. How many survivors had tearfully thanked her after guilty verdicts were rendered? How many fretful children had she soothed minutes before their testimonies? How many people had sent her thank you notes over the years?
"You're right, Captain," she said finally. "I chose this line of work years ago, and I could have left at any time, and I can still leave. But I don't want to---I'm unequivocal about that. But, still, it does hurt…" She let the sentence trail off, knowing that it spoke volumes nonetheless.
"No, it hasn't always been easy," Cragen admitted slowly. "Like at certain departmental functions, and family gatherings, Marge and I always were among the few without children. And, of course, her parents were always asking 'When?'" He paused and then smiled as he added, "I learned to answer 'Whenever!'"
Olivia found herself chuckling. "So having a sense of humor helps?"
"At times, yes," he admitted lightly. Then he continued more soberly. "But most importantly, you should accept the situation and make the best of it. On the professional end, you have the time necessary to help the citizens we serve. On the personal side of things, you've found your brother and have a possible sister-in-law and step-nephew. Take time to cherish them. I know that my extended family---and close friends---are very important to me and vise versa." He then stopped, waiting to see her reaction.
She sat in pensive silence for a long minute. Most of the depression was lifting, and her situation no longer seemed abject. But she did have one more question.
"Captain, why…why didn't you and your wife adopt?"
His eyes clouded as he sighed and leaned back in his chair. "When we mentioned the possibility to Marge's parents," Cragen said slowly, pressing his fingertips together, "he was so ambivalent, and she was so opposed to 'bringing in a nameless stranger' with 'unknown background' that we decided against exposing a child to…" He let the sentence trail off. Frowning, he continued: "Every child deserves to be loved unconditionally by his grandparents, Olivia." He did not elaborate on the damage that emotional abuse and neglect inflicts. There was no need.
Standing, she moved closer to him, saying, "I'm sorry about that, Don. I say you'd make a good father."
Rising to take the hand she offered, he said more cheerfully, "So I'm often told by my detectives."
After an exchange of farewells, she left the office and prepared to go home, lost in her thoughts. So the captain's my father. That makes Elliot my fraternal twin, Fin is my big brother, and Munch is…one of those crazy relatives that drops in regularly?
Smiling at her unexpected joke, she departed the bullpen.